To ask how you would feel if your adult child decided to emigrate to Oz or NZ

[CaraBosse1]

Be honest and don't say you'd be "cool" about it if you wouldn't really

What's more, as has been said, many people regret emigrating to New Zealand and Australia, around two thirds actually.
Not sure your figures are correct. From those I know who've returned, the reasons are usually to do with aging parents (and some subtle guilt tripping from either them or siblings), or failing marriages, that kind of thing. Not because they weren't living well or enjoying the country they emigrated to. But of course you always get a subset who are permanently homesick and allow this to prevent them settling. That's the kind I assume were very close to family previously and just shouldn't have moved so far away.
What strikes me is the large proportion of those who would be upset are actually upset for themselves. Bit selfish, isn't it? Be grateful your kids have the opportunity they do. If they don't like it they'll make it a priority to move back, even if it takes a while.

As for being glad you have different values jassy , i find that rather strange. And rather insulting.

Why? You’ve made it clear you think mine are deficient.

petbear you do seem very angry about it all - its fine if you don't want to move from your bubble

I came to the Far East after studying the language at university in the UK and then met and married my DH (local).

I am part of a group of about 400 dozens&dozens foreign women in this country who did exactly the same thing as me (marrying a local man and staying to raise a family) - we come from all over the world, and I think/hope make a great contribution to our adopted country (as well as having lots of gorgeous bicultural children).

It doesn't mean that we all are "running away" and breaking up families in our home countries. That's life - we decided to make a go of life in another country. Its not really all that difficult to understand.

And of course if my DCs wanted to go and live overseas (either back in the UK as passport holders, or somewhere else), I would be perfectly happy for them. My DD in fact is heading to the US for one year from the summer as part of uni exchange programme. Its just so normal for me, and for literally dozens and dozens of my friends

Toadinthehole when you said "space" it made me think of this:o

Loving petbear's frothing about something that doesn't even impact them because their relationships with friends and family are sooooo strong not one of them would ever leave their immediate vicinity.

And as for the 'two thirds actually', sounds like made up sour grapes. I know precisely 23 families who have moved from the UK to Aus/Nz in the past 10 years and the number who have returned to the UK is 1. The number even vaguely considering returning is zero. The ones who left recently told me they had made the wrong decision and were looking for a way back to Aus.

Of my friends I left behind in London I would say 70% have made or are making plans to leave the UK given the current shiteheap of a political situation and uncertainty around their professional jobs.

It does incite a weird anger in some people doesn't it?

People get very self-righteous and judgy.

THEY'D never leave their family so nobody else should.

Bloody odd if you ask me.

I think it's fear.

petbear, would you apply your judgments to people coming to the UK to live, the tens of thousands of people who've left families to come to live and work there?

Or are all your comments reserved entirely for those moving/wishing to move to Australasia?

I know several that have spent time abroad to reject it for many reasons. Myself included.

Moving away is selfish act because it generally loads costs on remaining family, who, rightly have no part in the decision, but still wish to see their children.
They could say I'm not coming out, ever to see them, but I think that would be met with pursed lips and oh well I'd hoped you would want to see us...but it does incurr extra costs that I feel hugely sorry for my sil, has to bear.

I know several that have spent time abroad to reject it for many reasons. Myself included.

Moving away is selfish act because it generally loads costs on remaining family, who, rightly have no part in the decision, but still wish to see their children.
They could say I'm not coming out, ever to see them, but I think that would be met with pursed lips and oh well I'd hoped you would want to see us...but it does incurr extra costs that I feel hugely sorry for my sil, has to bear.

cheap
No, not fear, realism. I don't really mind what other parents feel, I was answering the question from my own perspective.
I recognise the problems it brings.

They could say I'm not coming out, ever to see them, but I think that would be met with pursed lips and oh well I'd hoped you would want to see us.

You do an awful lot of imagining what other people would do.

Is it because you’ve already judged that only shits move away from their families, that you expect all their subsequent behaviour to be shitty?

Petbear such bullshit facts and ridiculous assumptions about living abroad, especially given your total lack of experience of doing it.

No, I'm going on experience. There is the hope, invite and expectation. Oh but you must come! (Hope and pressure) I'm getting married! But you can save up (thanks for telling me what to do with my cash) it's your turn to visit us next haha (expectation)

No, I'm going on experience. There is the hope, invite and expectation. Oh but you must come! (Hope and pressure) I'm getting married! But you can save up (thanks for telling me what to do with my cash) it's your turn to visit us next haha (expectation)

There is the hope, invite and expectation. Oh but you must come! (Hope and pressure) I'm getting married! But you can save up (thanks for telling me what to do with my cash) it's your turn to visit us next haha (expectation)

The people you know are a bit shit then. All the people I know (both sides) are actually decent humans. ‘We’d love to have you, but we know it’s difficult.’ And see the onus to travel as being very much on those who emigrated, or to contribute to the costs of travel if others want to but can’t afford it (eg we paid for one of my brothers to come and stay with us when he couldn’t afford to).

One of my brothers wasn’t able to come to my wedding (one of petbear’s mythical marriages between people from different countries), which was understandable and totally fine. I’m unlikely to be able to make it to his for various reasons, which he and his lovely fiancé have also made clear they are fine with, though they’d love for us to be there. It’s the reality of how things happen when you live far away and are all decent, reasonable people.

Goodness, such a lot of anger (and some utter nonsense) overnight!

I guess it was inevitable, when even differences in people's laundry habits generate OUTRAGE on here, that something so emotionally loaded would go the same way .

I’d try very hard to put on a brave face but I’d be absolutely gutted, reqlly gutted. I live 4 hours from my parents and I miss them. My dc’s relationship with them is very different to their relationship with their Grandma (MIL) who lives around the corner. I would absolutely love to be able to just pop into my parents for a quick cuppa during the week .

Sorry but distracted by headofhive being "spoilt for choice" when it came to husbands 😂😂😂

P.S. Jassy your name seems particularly appropriate for this thread. Did you have a running away fund? 😂

Sorry but distracted by headofhive being "spoilt for choice" when it came to husbands 😂😂😂

I imagine she pities us who have had but one love of our lives, and the honest choice was between them or nothing. But then I was never up for ‘settling’ when it comes to relationships.

P.S. Jassy your name seems particularly appropriate for this thread. Did you have a running away fund? 😂

😂😂 Only once I hit my twenties and thought ‘I’d quite fancy a couple of years working and travelling in Europe’.

Thirteen years, a marriage, two property purchases, two children and countless pounds to the Home Office later it can safely be described as ‘the working holiday that went wrong.’

I just had a quick head count of people I have known in the past 50 years and I only know three mixed country couples and I think one of them may go to NZ when married and the other went to America. It obviously depends hugely on where you live and work as just not that common here.It is odd how both sides get so defensive and how emigrating is seen as brave etc and those who do not want to are lame and insular.

It is entirely possible that one of my children might be doing this one day as they move in circles where they might well fall in love with someone from abroad and are in a profession where opportunities may well be better abroad. I hope not though. I have a friend whose children and grandchildren are scattered across the world and it is an endless source of sadness to her.

We can't all be the same but dismissing people's very real feelings as selfish (on both sides) can get quite nasty. Also when you are young I don't think you realise how important having family at a reasonable visiting distance can be if you have been a close family especially if there are grandchildren (but this does not apply for all I know) .

No I don't think that at all. But I am continually surprised when people in relationships have not asked basic questions at the beginning to assess compatibility. That's all I did. Sensible one would have thought.
Ruling out foreign nationals was a similar thought process to ruling out farmers (don't like animals) or those who wanted to live in A large city for example.
It's about knowing what's important to you.

I'm just trying to get my head around how it works when forming relationships. I mean, it's been a while since I last did it, so maybe I am misremembering.

You meet someone, you feel that initial "hey, they're cute"... start having little conversations, the attraction grows... maybe you start going out, perhaps you're developing feelings for each other... and then at some point you think to yourself "this individual was not born within an arbitrary radius of my own birthplace - any further interaction would therefore be an unnatural act of violent destruction against the true meaning of family"?

Yes demographics are different in different areas. I only know of one person in a mixed both European marriage here, but where we lived before there were lots.

But if the conversation turned to emigration - it would be a red flag...that's the sort of thing.
You want to farm sheep in nz, me gosh no....

Exactly Headofthe hive - I already know my that my current partner ideally wants to spend his retirement abroad. I don't think that I do, so I expect we will go our separate ways in ten years or so unless I change my mind or we reach a two country compromise which when we are really old will become unworkable. Not keen on living between two countries as not compatible with dog and chicken ownership. I would most likely have ditched prospective partners over such a thing early on as you say.