To ask how you would feel if your adult child decided to emigrate to Oz or NZ

[CaraBosse1]

Be honest and don't say you'd be "cool" about it if you wouldn't really

I suppose when your forebears travelled to the furtherest flung corner of the world to make a new life, travelling for months knowing you'd never see home again, moving a day's travel away with technology enabling instant communication doesn't seem quite so dramatic.

I think this is very true, particularly when your national identity and the national story tends to be centred on those people.

singingtherapy - on the basis you describe, generation after generation of your family will never leave the place you live in.

Also - it was your decision to have your children, they had no choice in it. Sounds like you are not giving them any choice in how or where they live their lives.

Which one?

I have several.

It would be so much easier if everyone just stayed in their home town, met a nice chap from around the corner and stayed close by, but life isn't like that

But it is like that for some? I don't really understand all the faux 'Oh my God! I had no idea anyone would bat an eyelid at their dc moving to the other side of the world. It's just so normal!'

Well, for some maybe. But I'd be willing to guess that for many it is not the norm or expected at all.

I don't think people should be sneered at or looked down on (there is definitely some of that on this thread) for wanting to be stay near to parents and family that see each other regularly. There is nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with emigrating either.

“Brutal impact of tearing the family apart” “robbed her mother”. Children and grandchildren aren’t posessions. It’s sad when elderly relatives get ill. As a migrant you do the best for your kids and wider family. It’s preposterous to say you are ruining and wrecking the family by moving away. What a horribly negative way to look at this.

I'm the adult child who moved away, from not quite as far as Australia but almost. I have lived away from my birth country for a quarter of a century.

Were my parents sad? Yes. Would they have preferred me to stay close and miss out on the opportunities and the life I have lived? Nope. (And yes, we have talked about this lots over the years).

I'm seeing quite a common theme on this thread, in which people have emigrated at least in part due to partnering up with somebody from another country. (This is, in fact, what happened to me.)

When I read posts saying that children who move away are selfish, or have somehow failed in their filial duty, I'm quite interested to know how the posters imagine this would work with a partner from elsewhere. Either, is it fine-and-dandy for the partner to live away from their parents, or is it simply not fine to ever partner up with somebody non-local so as to not be hypocritical?

(Genuinely curious)

Parents are very good at pretending that everything is fine when a child goes permanently.

As a "remainer" I have seen several relatives grieve terribly for their emigrated children yet manage to put on a very brave face- my mother included.

My sister has no clue that our mother is anything but delighted at her new life abroad. I had an aunt in the same situation.
All the ex pats here are blilthey unaware of the heartache.

And as many posters on this thread have said they would be " devastated" if their adult child emigrated. So clearly my family is not unusual.

I've emigrated twice, once as a child and once as an adult. My parents moved away from their parents and I moved away from mine. Despite not living in the same country as grandparents I had a wonderful relationship with them, as they were able to visit for 6 weeks a year. I also have a great relationship with my own parents despite living on the other side of the world from them. At some point I may want to go back to the country I moved to as a child for my own reasons. I probably spend more time with my own family despite the distance, to my partners family who live in the same country as me. Speaking as the adult child who moved away, it's such a beneficial experience to have, it makes you much stronger and more resilient, my parents are devastated to see me leave, but support me 100%. They don't want to guilt trip me into coming back.

I don't really understand all the faux 'Oh my God! I had no idea anyone would bat an eyelid at their dc moving to the other side of the world. It's just so normal!'

Why should it a faux ‘I Had no idea anyone would bat an eyelid’??
It’s clear that for some people, this arrangement would come as a shock. Esp if they are used to all live 2 miles form each other (I know plenty of people who are exactly like this around where I live).
But then it’s also not so unusual for people to actually move away, far away. My parents did that, I did that. I’m expecting my dcs to do that (esp they will see that as normal). I’m actually finding the idea of staying in your home town claustrophobic because it’s so far away from my own experience.

Bottom line is. Just as much as people can’t sneered at People who would be heartbroken, nor can you be sneering at those who that the most normal thing in the world...

Qs similar experience here.
With the added bonus that actually my parents ended up emigrating again once they retired to move in closer to me and their dgc (only child syndrome here!!).
I would have no issue doing something similar, going back to my ‘home country’ (which isn’t the one where I spent most of childhood) or anything in between.
None of my family is now living in my original home country since all the grand parents have died (aunts and uncles also moved to different countries, some of them marrying etc...)

I’ve always had a great relationship with my gran despite the distance ans not seeing them often. Not so much with th either side of the family but then it also wasn’t the case before I moved away wth my parents as a child!!
The relationship with my parents is great.

Some people REALLY have experienced living like this, all over the world.
And no it doesn’t mean much weaker relationships etc....

Well, we're one of those awful families who have broken hearts and uprooted children.

While family in the UK was upset, they have seen how our lives have improved immeasurably. We have more time together (thanks to short commutes, fewer working hours), a better lifestyle (due to better weather - do not miss UK weather and dark winters), more disposable income which means paying off mortgage faster and less stress overall.

We see our UK families for a few weeks each year, so I think it evens out in terms of visits. I grew up in a different country than my grandparents and still have great relationships with my extended family.

Can't believe this one: "We don't really bother talking to our children about a cousin they will never really see. There isn't any point."

Mind-boggling. I am so thankful for our family's open mindedness and willingness to accept that family is important, no matter where they are on the planet.

Agree completely.. and then I read comments presumably from brits about Australia being backwards

Yes it's selfish to hope and pressurise a visit. You see, a child saying please please come and visit means a parent tries to do so. And that means drastic and sometimes foolhardy actions. I have no wish to take out loans to enable a visit. As for not wishing to host - my sil has not got her own house now, struggles to keep a roof over her head - difficult to accommodate visitors from overseas.

I think it gives parents an awful choice - to visit family or have a holiday elsewhere. My DH is not allowed more than two weeks off at one time - it would make it difficult to cope with jet lag!

pope
Why bother including a distant cousin, whom we won't see due to cost - on both sides - in our life? To maintain a relationship you generally need to do stuff together - difficult if you never see each other!

Headofthehive55 I agree.

And somehow people make it work....

Because it’s not felt as a ‘I’m missing out on my holiday if I go and see my child at xxx’. But it’s more of ‘that’s fantastic, I’m getting a holiday AND I’m seeing parents/grand parents/Children/grand children’.

DH's mother said to me that when he left to go travelling straight after uni, she knew he'd never come back. Unfortunately for her, he met me and is now a typical Wellingtonian. I think my parents would see it as an opportunity for them if we decided to settle in the UK.

Our most recent flight had us from Wellington-London in 28 hours, for £3000 (including SkyCouch). Doesn't seem that hard at all, including toddler!

And no, FaceTime doesn't replace anything, but does mean DD will recognise her grandparents coming through the airport gates next week :)

I’ve smiled and supported but honestly feel rather sad. One missing at every family occasion and connecting via technology doesn’t really do it. I would never try to put them off though, just hope that they eventually return!
Two of my siblings are abroad which is hard as I miss them and their families but also it leaves the parental responsibilities to me. Managing my own family, job and parents in poor health is tricky.

And no, FaceTime doesn't replace anything, but does mean DD will recognise her grandparents coming through the airport gates next week

When DS1 was 18 months old he couldn’t stop staring at my mother’s legs after we got off the plane. He hadn’t seen her in 6 months in person but saw her on the iPad so regularly that she was familiar to him, but he couldn’t process that there was a lower half to her body.

To maintain a relationship you generally need to do stuff together - difficult if you never see each other!

I beg to disagree there.

My dad (in his 70s now) actually did a bit of digging and come across relatives of his in Denmark. This is where his uncle moved a long time ago when he got married to a woman form there.
I believe the uncle died a while ago but he got in touch with his cousins (so the uncle cousins as well as their children). All of them had learn our mother tongue (not british here).
They’ve met and are in touch very regularly despite ‘not having met or done anything before’.

I do know about some of my mum cousins who are still in our original country just like they know about me. I have contacted them before on various subject. It has always felt comfortable to talk to them. They feel like family. And they jumped at the idea that they could send one dc to us for a few weeks to improve their english!!

But yes we are also a family of travellers, have always done so it feels quite normal to do so....

The bottom line is that it IS possible. Relationships are not just about doing things together. And youdont see xxx then you can’t possibly have a relationship with them

Yes it's selfish to hope and pressurise a visit.

Those two things are not synonyms. Not even close. Why are you pretending they are?

You see, a child saying please please come and visit means a parent tries to do so.

Again, ‘hoping’ is not the same as saying ‘please please please.’ That’s asking, or demanding, or pressuring.

And that means drastic and sometimes foolhardy actions.

Only if the parents aren’t close enough to their children to feel they can have honest discussions about what is and isn’t affordable, and give the children a chance to come up with a solution.

I have no wish to take out loans to enable a visit.

Good for you - don’t.

And yes FaceTime and Skype have made things much easier than 40 years ago when my parents first emigrated!!

To maintain a relationship you generally need to do stuff together - difficult if you never see each other!

I don’t think that’s necessarily the case at all. I have cousins who grew up in Perth. I met them for the first time when I was ten and didn’t see them again until my late teens; I’ve seen one of them in adulthood. But I always knew about them, their stories, what was going on in their lives, from my earliest childhood. We’re still in fairly regular contact now. We’re not very close, but I’m glad I have them in my life, and that my mother didn’t airbrush them out of our family because they lived far away and we might never meet them.

JassyRadlett love it - DD is also 18 months, will see how she reacts to Nana and Grandad having bodies!