To ask how you would feel if your adult child decided to emigrate to Oz or NZ

[CaraBosse1]

Be honest and don't say you'd be "cool" about it if you wouldn't really

I don't feel trapped.
I do what I do because I love my mother.

I'd be devastated, no two ways about it, absolutely devastated. would go too
joking not joking

I'd be devastated and would make my feelings known. I make no apologies for my belief that you spend your entire life as a parent supporting your children and making sacrifices for them. So when the time comes that you need the tables to turn and for them to look after you a bit, it's bloody selfish of them to move that kind of distance.

Singing so it's transactional?

That's not how I see my relationship with my children. They don't owe me, I had children because I wanted to, not to create vassles who would be forever in my debt, and I would be thoroughly ashamed of myself if I tied them down. Roots and wings. Not roots and chains of emotional blackmail.

You’ve no clue, have you?

Yes I have, thanks, which is why I think Skype etc. is nothing compared to really being together.

It's not always "for a bit" either. My parents moved my grandmother to an annex over their garage when she was discharged from hospital with the sad news that she was unlikely to live til Christmas - she died seventeen years later.

I wish we could invest more into making the UK an even better place to live so (some) young people don't feel they have to move so far away for a better standard of living or quality of life. Im not talking about people with genuine wanderlust but those who moved for better job opportunities or housing

I don't know what stats you're reading but right now unemployment levels are the lowest they have been since 1975..........

You can have whatever view you want on Brexit but facts are facts.

It's interesting (and quite guilt-inducing) reading some of the perspectives on here.

As a PP said, going overseas (invariably long haul), is a right of passage for most NZers and Australians. Most parents expect (or suspect) their children will do it, and are (thankfully) supportive.

Many of those travellers end up back home. But a significant cohort don't, for one reason or another.

My DH spent a year in Australia in the late 90s. One year before I left NZ to travel to London, ironically. His Mum was extremely relieved when he returned home.

We met in London several years later, married and had kids. We made the decision to move to NZ when my widowed Dad got ill. My brother was also in London, so although Dad had a wide circle of family and friends around him, he didn't have his children, nor his brand new grandchildren.

So we made that move as a family. DH's parents - I know - were heart-broken. But they didn't show it, and have never been anything but supportive of us.

Reading posts like speakout's makes feel bad for what we've done, but either way, we were going to upset one or other of our parents. We chose to be closer to the one who was widowed, who was sick, and who didn't have any children or grandchildren near (PILs do have that, although it doesn't make not having close that much easier).

It would be so much easier if everyone just stayed in their home town, met a nice chap from around the corner and stayed close by, but life isn't like that. And we do the best we can - any insinuation that we don't care about our parents enough couldn't be further from the truth. People who haven't been in this position don't understand the half of it. Especially if they're basing their opinion on one errant sibling of their own.

My sisters eldest son done this a few years ago, he married an Australian girl in the uk and had a baby then decided to move to Australia as her mum and sisters were there.

My sister didn’t say much but I know she was really upset about it especially as she wouldn’t see her grandchild grow up but she understood that they had to do what was best for them.

They do Skype regular and her son recently came to visit on his own, sadly his wife and child stayed behind because she’d just started school but he’s got a good job there and financially it was right for them.

I wouldn't be happy and I'm not sure I could pretend otherwise.

Holidays and Skype/FaceTime would be my chief thoughts. I'd admit to a bit of to myself but I put my parents through far away travels pre internet days as did they with their parents. I'd also be pleased dd wasn't staying in the [insert negative description] place we live in.

IT shows you that there are huge differences in income on this thread.
I have no prospects of visiting Oz, even with "saving and prioritising" I save and prioritise new boots, not flights.

I think emigrants are selfish if they hope for or expect family to visit them, or host them for weeks on end.

IT shows you that there are huge differences in income on this thread.
I have no prospects of visiting Oz, even with "saving and prioritising" I save and prioritise new boots, not flights.

I think emigrants are selfish if they hope for or expect family to visit them, or host them for weeks on end.

I think emigrants are selfish if they hope for or expect family to visit them, or host them for weeks on end.

I don’t expect it. I have in the past offered to stay elsewhere; they prefer us to stay with them, i imagine because they quite want to spend time with us and know we don’t expect them to ‘host’. Ditto the reciprocal.

You sound quite a lot like my in laws who don’t want to be put out in any way when we visit, but then complain that we don’t visit often enough, and never visit us. Because not living in the same town is an abandonment.

Also, it’s selfish to hope your family will visit you? Seriously? I shouldn’t think ‘gosh, it would be nice if we could figure out a way to co-fund my brother and his kids coming to stay?’

What should I think, out of interest? ‘Hmm. I committed the cardinal sin of marrying and procreating with a foreigner. That means I’m dead to my family, I should not hope they visit me, or try to visit them.’

Taking care of the people who have always been there for you isn't transactional, no. I'd never leave my parents, I couldn't bear to hurt them that much and I like to think my children will have the same values.

DD (27) is going to Australia later this year for a year...possibly two...and may even stay if she likes it that much. She's always been adventurous and a free spirit, no worries about her getting married and having my grandchildren out there, (apart from the fact she's gay, she doesn't want the ties) and her best friend that she works with is Australian and will be going back home also later this year. I'll be worried sick about her, but she's a bright girl, can look after herself and I admire her for going out and doing something with her life

My son has just spent a gap year working in New Zealand.

He is happy to be home and no intention of moving abroad permanently.

This is from a daughter prospective who moved to Spain 6 months ago with 2 children. I know it isn't oz or nz but equally as devastating for my mother, my mil was also upset but both have been very supportive. My dad and sister haven't spoke to me since I moved, neither of them like anywhere abroad and say I took the kids away from them despite actually not really being part of our lives when we lived in the same country. But back to my mum, she was very upet when we had decided we were moving and would change the subject whenever we spoke about it. After talking with her and explaining our plans and how much it meant to have her support she started to come around. She has visited us twice now and she now totally gets it and so proud of me and all of us really for what we have achieved and the fact that I have been able to do something so monumental. She was worried how I would cope (mostly on my own as my husband still works in the uk) but I have shown her that I am totally capable. We hope that one day she will also be here with us, she is now considering something that had never entered her head before. Yes it's hard but we speak regularly and when she comes over she get quality time with us all. You need to be supportive otherwise you run the risk of causing a rift between you. What is the worst that can happen and if it doesn't work out they can easily go back to the uk. Just be there for them and be proud of them, it is a massive decision for them to make to leave the ones they lover for what they hope is a better life for them.

Taking care of the people who have always been there for you isn't transactional, no. I'd never leave my parents, I couldn't bear to hurt them that much and I like to think my children will have the same values.

My aims for the values impart to my children are a little different. I hope they’re the sort of people who will make similar sacrifices and give similar support to their own kids, should they choose to have them, for similar reasons - to raise children who have the skills and ability and know they have my support to make choices that enable them to live happy and fulfilled lives, with no expectation of reciprocity.

I fully expect my kids may choose to live in another country, my six year old is already talking about it. I am encouraging him, to be honest.

I’d much rather he knows he has my support to do what’s best for him, than see him end up like my uncle, who split up with a woman because my grandmother feared she’d take him to live in a different state, and couldn’t bear the idea of that. (Fortunately for my mum, my gran didn’t care so much about her.) So he ditched the woman, and spent the rest of his life living with my (active, independent m) grandmother. She’s dead now, he’s 68 and incredibly lonely.

So he ditched the woman, and spent the rest of his life living with my (active, independent m) grandmother. She’s dead now, he’s 68 and incredibly lonely.

Apparently it's the least he could do, according to some on this thread.

Apparently it's the least he could do, according to some on this thread.

I expect that by emigrating I’ve failed him as well as my own parents and siblings.

I would be thrilled - I am in regular contact with my children - phone, text, Skype - but we don’t live in each other’s pockets, so not much difference if they lived the other side of the world. One of them already spends most of her time abroad for work. I have my own life and do not live through them, so would be mortified if they limited their life choices for my sake. You bring children up and they fly the nest, that’s normal - it’s not as if communication with Australia is difficult!

This thread is quite eye opening! I had no idea some people were so anti their children living overseas. My mum brought us up with tales of living in London - she did for 4 years in the 70s, when she could only communicate with my Gran via letter - and I always fully expected I'd do the same. Far from being gutted if my kids did, I'd be gutted if they didn't - living overseas for an extended period is such fantastic experience.

Of my 13 cousins on mum's side (all in our late 20s and 30s now) 11 of us have lived in London, 3 are still there, 4 are in Australia permanently (closer to NZ but still a 3 hour flight so a good half day of travel).

I suppose when your forebears travelled to the furtherest flung corner of the world to make a new life, travelling for months knowing you'd never see home again, moving a day's travel away with technology enabling instant communication doesn't seem quite so dramatic.

I left home at 18 to move to another city, and at 36 moved to another country in Europe. My mother and grandmother took turns to call me and cry down the phone, my father said to go for it. We are happy living here, we have opportunities that were not available to us in the UK, and if anything we see our families more than when we were living in the UK, as they come to visit and we have a lot of time with them. By the way some posters on here react, it’s a capital offence to even move from your hometown. Well, if that had been my choice, I’d have been hard pressed to gain an education or any kind of fulfilling job. Some families live 5 minutes away from each other and never speak, and others are close despite the miles. Try to stop your adult childtren living their lives, and you deserve the backlash that will surely result.