To ask how you would feel if your adult child decided to emigrate to Oz or NZ

[CaraBosse1]

Be honest and don't say you'd be "cool" about it if you wouldn't really

I'm the child of a "mixed marriage ". My parents suffered a lot of discrimination from their respective families. I have loads of uncles and aunts and never saw hide nor hair of them growing up. Apart from one uncle and aunt on one side and another aunt and uncle on the other. They lived in other countries and yet (this is the 70s, we are talking about) kept in close contact with us as best they could. I love them both and, particularly one batch of cousins are more like siblings to me and my brother and sister. Distance is nothing with a bit of effort.

It's not that you can't have a relationship with family you never/rarely see. It's more that the relationship is not the same. Growing up my best friend was my cousin, we saw each other every weekend, went on holiday together and were very close. Possible because she lived a fairly short walk away.

Now I'm not sure if my children would have had similar relationships with my nieces or nephews as if we'd not emigrated I don't know if we would live near to my siblings (and one of my siblings lived in Australia for a few years too). But as it is they don't really know each other at all and have virtually no shared childhood memories. It's definitely a lost opportunity. One we accepted when we chose to move away, but I think it's foolish not to accept that along with opportunities there are costs.

We've had family to stay and done our best to make sure that they had a great holiday with us (we live somewhere people go on holiday to so that's not been so hard). Only my parents have come more than once in the almost 10 years we've been away as most people don't do big expensive holidays to the same place by choice when there are so many other places to visit. We've done one 'meet in the middle' holiday but otherwise the expectation is that we visit them. Which isn't unreasonable as we are the people who chose to leave. For us visiting home is really nice, but it's not a holiday as it's quite hard work seeing everyone and while where my family live is lovely it's a weekend sort of visit, not the explore somewhere new and interesting we'd choose for our main family holiday, and that's what we are essentially giving up.

In some ways if you have wanderlust it's better to take lots of long holidays to interesting places than to emigrate. Emigration is very expensive and mostly life in the new country isn't that different to life at home. Different if you have to move for work or for love, but for those looking for the proverbial 'better life' something to think about carefully.

i moved - this was almost 12 years ago. My mum still cries every time i go home and have to come back. She still hopes i will one day move back home, but i dont have the heart to tell i wont as we are settled here now.

we are not close
Quite.

we are not close
Quite.

All the ex pats here are blilthey unaware of the heartache.
How ridiculous. And such a generalized sweeping statement too. Dh and I only saw his parents once or twice a year before DC came along, so for them to be heartbroken at their DS moving away (as op mentioned) would be a bit hypocritical ( I acknowledge it's different for other families). They weren't devastated when another of their DS emigrated with his DW, pre DC. It's more about them not having regular access to GC, I think, although now they see them on Skype every week and for holidays once a year I honestly don't think the relationship is much different from when they saw them physically each month.
We're a family of ex pats, I've done the long haul flights with DC (often alone) since they were small, it's not that hard. And it is expensive, but is our annual holiday, as such it is just the equivalent of most other ppls annual holiday abroad, which they save all year for. We actually save on accommodation costs and travel because we're staying with family.
I think it's rather over dramatic to be heartbroken in our situation. It feels to be more about perceived lost opportunities than the actual reality. And tbh, the fact that the il cannot now control or dictate frequency of visits, based on convenience to themselves.

So how does it work if one gets married to a person from another place?

Headofthehive55, you’re ignoring the rest of what I said because it’s not conevenient? How... unusual.

No, we’re not very close (though closer that some of my cousins who lived in the same town and we saw all the time), but we’re glad we’re in each other’s lives. We have a relationship, and we’re all grateful our parents ‘didnt bother’ to tell us about each other because of the distance between us.

Or we would be had we ever considered our parents who do such a weird and insular thing.

*would.

It would break my heart and I would tell her.
I'd move heaven and earth to go with them.

It's typical for Australians and New Zealanders to spend some time living overseas. Most come back eventually, but many move away permanently. This is essentially considered a rite of passage. Most parents here accept that their children will live overseas at some point, and that it will probably be a long distance away from Aus/NZ. Many parents even actively encourage this.

But I think it's different for us here in Aus/NZ. We are used to traveling distances, certainly, but we're also very conscious of the fact that the majority of us are descendants of people who very recently immigrated here. Aus/NZ have very recent histories, unlike the UK, so I can look back in my family tree and see that it was only in the 1820s and 1830s that much of my family decided to uproot from Devon and Kent and move here in search of a better life. They knew that the likelihood of returning to the UK ever was slim, but they gambled on it, and, sure enough, did build a better life for themselves and their children, and had a hand in building this fantastic country.

So, for us, it's a part of life. I don't think that culture exists in the UK, which is why there are so many strong feelings coming out of many UK posters.

So how does it work if one gets married to a person from another place?

I am wildly curious. I keep asking too. I wonder if we weren’t supposed to marry foreigners because it’s selfish?

Really, when it comes to Australia and NZ, this is something parents have been dealing with for 300 years! Thank goodness my ancestors didn't guilt trip their children into staying

Thank goodness my ancestors didn't guilt trip their children into staying

I say this too.

I wonder if we weren’t supposed to marry foreigners because it’s selfish?

Either it's OK for the foreign person to live away from their parents, or it's not OK to get involved with somebody non-local at all? (I guess at least the latter option avoids the problem of hypocrisy).

Either it's OK for the foreign person to live away from their parents, or it's not OK to get involved with somebody non-local at all? (I guess at least the latter option avoids the problem of hypocrisy).

To be fair, I think DH’s parents were as disappointed that he married a woman committed to living in That London as they were that he married a foreigner who might drag him off to Far Far Away.

Id be simultaneously upset and proud of them. Id be happy that they were doing what they wanted to do and taking a chance on an adventure to a far away land. But yes id worry id hardly see them and id probably if i were older, not be very excited about the prospect of a flight of that length to visit them.
I would try not to be sad in front of them and i would not say anything to discourage them (unless I thought it was a bad idea for some specific situational reason)

They know of the persons existence, but life is busy and I'd rather them spend time with actual friends really which we have many so not at all insular!

There is a loss associated with living a long distance away, even if people try and pretend there isn't. "it's only the cost of an annual holiday" - holiday of a lifetime for some! And I think there must be a loss when you realise that you can no longer go anywhere else for your HoIiday - unless you forgo seeing your child that year. No matter how much you wish to see them, it's still creating a difficulty for people who now cannot have both seeing family and seeing other places (which may not be suitable for a family holiday)
In a sense it may provide opportunity for one couple - but removes opportunity for the parents left behind. It's an uncomfortable thought.

My elder sister emigrated when I was 12. My other sister when I was 19. My parents joined them when I was 21. I stayed here. I'm 62 now and as long as my parents were alive we managed to visit because he funded travel. They died 10 years ago so email and facebook now keep our family in touch. If either of my daughters emigrated I'd be heartbroken but never let them see it.

There is a loss associated with living a long distance away, even if people try and pretend there isn't.

I certainly haven’t pretended otherwise.

And I think there must be a loss when you realise that you can no longer go anywhere else for your HoIiday - unless you forgo seeing your child that year.

We have made that decision for our family. Yes, it’s a sacrifice, but one we consider entirely worth it to be able to see all my family regularly. My parents are fortunate not to have to worry about annual leave, and even more fortunate that they can afford the travel, which is certainly a factor in us living where we do.

No matter how much you wish to see them, it's still creating a difficulty for people who now cannot have both seeing family and seeing other places (which may not be suitable for a family holiday)

And I have many family members who prioritise other holidays, and that’s just fine. We prioritise going to see them and find other ways to keep in touch in the meantime.

In a sense it may provide opportunity for one couple - but removes opportunity for the parents left behind. It's an uncomfortable thought.

And what of the unanswered question - when the couple aren’t both from the same country? Whose parents are the ‘left behind’? Who’s being selfish?

And I’m sorry to have misinterpreted your earlier post about not talking about the distant relatives as pretending they didn’t exist. However my point still stands that your statement below is wrong and yes, rather insular:

We don't really bother talking to our children about a cousin they will never really see. There isn't any point.

For my cousins and I, there definitely was a point in our parents doing this, and it enriched or lives - and that was before the days of the internet. Saying there’s no point in taking to children about a cousin who lives far away because the cousin lives far away and is (and always will be) irrelevant to their lives does strike me as quite insular, to be frank.

I think acquiring a partner from a far away place does indeed present issues and I certainly felt strongly enough to avoid those potential partners!

My parents live in the UK - but 6 hour drive hour.

I only see them 3 times a year. We do chat regularly though.

Honestly. I find it a bit weird when people say they'd be 'devastated'...Surely if you do parenting properly, you're raising your kids to fly the nest! What's the point of always wanting your birds to be in the nest - even when they're grown up with their own family/children.

I know though, I'm in the minority. My generation seem to have their mums/dads on tap to do everything for them still - whilst they swan off to work, they expect grandma and grandad to go back and do the school run etc. I'm pleased my parents have their own life and pleased that they're happy for me to have my own life too.

I might add, I lived in Oz for a while pre kids. Honestly, the only issue was the time difference made it a bit of a pain for Skype. Other than that, no difference! our relationship was still great! I'd have been livid if she was crying and saying i needed to come home!

We did chat about them at first - but over time it decreases...and decreases...

I come from a family where wanderlust is common and am in the minority still being here, so it wouldn't surprise me at all.
I'd always be happy for my DC to have the best, most fulfilling life possible, so I would support them, wherever they wanted to go.
However, I have also seen how hard it is, now my DP are getting to the age where they struggle to travel, or wake early/ stay up late for phone calls with my sister. I realise longer term how hard it can be. My sister probably has little idea how hard it is for them and I'd want my DC to feel the same freedom of being happily supported in whatever they choose.