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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that no compassionate leave?

231 replies

crunchymint · 15/01/2018 07:40

I am going to a funeral of a close friend and have to take annual leave.

OP posts:
TangledSlinky · 15/01/2018 13:25

So sorry for your loss, but totally normal sadly. Even when my aunt passed away last year I was told compassionate leave is only for immediate family (parents and spouse). Thankfully I have a great boss who let me take time off for it anyway, but I wouldn't expect to take compassionate leave for a friend, no matter how close we were.

RhiannonOHara · 15/01/2018 13:32

It is totally standard, yes, but I agree that the notion of family members' funerals being more important than those of friends is very old-fashioned and narrow. While I don't think nominations/a flat rate compassionate leave allowance would work very well, for some of the reasons given here, I do think the system is overdue for change. I just don't quite know how it should be done.

araiwa · 15/01/2018 13:36

I see no need to change it.

You can have unpaid leave or use annual leave. Theyre no stopping you going, theyre not wanting to pay you for it

Snowdrop18 · 15/01/2018 13:36

re numbers, that's another reason why I think that it's a good case for discretionary

shouldn't you be allowed to swap parents (for example) if a friend dies? Your parents might mean nothing to you.

similarly you might have left a partner ages ago.

I have been in the situation where more than one person died in one incident and luckily work gave me 2 weeks to cover the general trauma of it. Again, something you can only do on a discretionary basis.

InsomniacAnonymous · 15/01/2018 13:47

Morphene why can't the person take annual leave in such a circumstance?

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 15/01/2018 13:51

It is standard I'm afraid but SOME employers are more flexible. My current employer would give me compassionate leave for a spouse, parent, child, sibling or grandparent but a previous employer didn't include grandparents so I was unable to go to my grandfathers funeral (no annual leave allowed company wide during March or April).

I took unpaid leave for my cousin's funeral a couple of years ago (work in a school so no annual leave).

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 15/01/2018 14:07

I kicked up a fuss when work tried to make me use annual leave for a friend's funeral... they made an exception. I've just given my nanny compassionate leave to attend her husband's friend's funeral because that's the decent thing to do.

ElizaDontlittle · 15/01/2018 14:23

We require 6 weeks notice for annual leave, officially (same for all NHS senior medical staff). However work were very good when I needed a day's leave for a friend's funeral last year - I don't know what larger trusts are like where you don't know the HR people personally.

Jaxhog · 15/01/2018 14:28

Sorry for your loss.

I agree with Barbarian can you not look upon it as a very worthwhile way of spending an day of you annual leave - saying goodbye to a friend?
This.

coconuttella · 15/01/2018 14:48

If you get x days of compassionate leave a year then you should be able to use it.

It would be completely crazy
to ration compassionate leave like that....

Say you got 3 days per year....

Case 1: You lost your mother, who you were very close to, so took 3 days (one for day of death, one for arranging funeral, one for funeral itself).... then tragically your child died. Oh dear, no compassionate leave left for this. I guess you just have to suck it up!

Case 2: Thankfully no deaths of anyone significant, and the leave Year is ending. An acquitance sadly passes away. You barely know them but one of your friends is going who knew them quite well socially so you decide to tag along for the 30 min crem service and spend the rest of the day catching up with your friend. You take a day of your compassionate leave!

Original poster
crunchymint · 15/01/2018 14:51

I am mid 50s. I have had 2 days of compassionate leave ever.

OP posts:
InsomniacAnonymous · 15/01/2018 14:52

Backingvocals "Someone has to pay for your day out of work. Employers effectively pay for it’s close family. If it’s friends then you pay. I think that’s reasonable. It’s not really about how sad you are. If you hesitate to pay with a day’s leave for your own dear friend then imagine how your employer feels."

Precisely, especially the last sentence.

coconuttella · 15/01/2018 14:54

I've just given my nanny compassionate leave to attend her husband's friend's funeral because that's the decent thing to do.

Easy and kind to do if you employ a few people... But in a corporate it’s harder and there need to be some rules. That’s not to say flexibility can’t be given. For instance, the firm above who didn’t let someone take leave for their grandparent were bastards.... if they had no leave left then I’d let them ‘borrow’ from the following year so they could go.

Original poster
crunchymint · 15/01/2018 14:58

Of course I have booked annual leave. I would not hesitate to do so. Just as I would book annual leave if my partner died and I was not given compassionate leave. Doesn't mean I have to be happy about it though.

OP posts:
19lottie82 · 15/01/2018 15:08

I’ve worked for a couple of large companies that have been very generous in terms of leave, and compassionate leave would only apply to family. YABU but I’m sorry for your loss.

steff13 · 15/01/2018 15:29

My employer gives a week bereavement leave for spouse, children, and parents, and three days for siblings, PIL, grandparents, aunts/uncles, and nieces/nephews.

We get four days of personal leave a year - the supervisor has to approve personal leave as long as it's requested within 24 hours of when it's needed. I've used that in the past to attend funerals of people who weren't covered by my bereavement leave. My best friend's mother, for instance.

user1491678180 · 15/01/2018 15:38

I thought it was fairly common knowledge that compassionate leave is only for close family... Spouse, son, daughter, mother, father, mother-in-law, father-in-law, sister, brother, grandparent or grandchild.

Not friends though.

I also don't know anyone who has more friends than family members. I mean, most people have more acquaintances and colleagues than family, but actual friends? No........most people don't.

@welshmist

Another friend a teacher has had until after the Easter Break because a parent has died so a whole term.

Confused

I don't know an employer in the world who would give 3 months compassionate leave. If this IS true, I suspect that the person in question has got written off on the sick.

I think if it became the 'done thing' to give everyone compassionate leave for friends as well, some people would take advantage, and want time off for everyone they know - or have said more than 20 words to.

Would these people thinking you should get compassionate leave for a friend, want it if one of their friends parents died? Or a sibling or uncle or auntie or cousin or grandparent of one of their friends? Where does it end?

Far better to keep it it just to blood relatives.

And I agree with the people saying that if the friend was important, surely you'd have no problem using half a day of your annual leave.

Original poster
crunchymint · 15/01/2018 16:00

I have booked annual leave off. And in future I will claim compassionate leave if relatives die, that I don't really need it for, and have a day off. I haven't in the past.

OP posts:
Winebottle · 15/01/2018 16:18

It makes complete sense to only include family because it is an objective test of closeness that you don't have for a friend.

If they let you have this day because they were a close friend, people would be saying every funeral they went to was a close friend and there would be no way for the employer to determine whether it is true or not.

ShatnersBassoon · 15/01/2018 16:21

And in future I will claim compassionate leave if relatives die, that I don't really need it for, and have a day off. I haven't in the past.

I think you might not understand what the average employer allows as compassionate leave. It is only permitted on the death of your very closest relatives i.e parents, partner, offspring, siblings.

You wouldn't be granted a day of compassionate leave for (not) going to an aunt's funeral, for example.

Original poster
crunchymint · 15/01/2018 16:24

I know that. As I said upthread my half sister died and I carried on at work. If my brother dies after my parents have died, I won't go to his funeral either. The only family funerals I would go to outside of my immediate nuclear family are my parents. As I said for some people close family are not important.

OP posts:
SandyDenny · 15/01/2018 16:26

And in future I will claim compassionate leave if relatives die, that I don't really need it for, and have a day off. I haven't in the past

Tbh that sounds churlish, I hope that once you have been able to come to terms with your friend's death a little you'll rethink that. Your employer really isn't being unreasonable.

MatildaTheCat · 15/01/2018 16:36

Someone I knew had to take unpaid leave plus annual leave to attend the trial of her mother’s murderers.

The same organisation allowed up to 3 days’ carer’s leave per year for family emergencies. It made no difference if you took none for ten or twenty years then had a major emergency requiring more time off ( not granted) or whether you took all of those days each year.

That’s the problem with large scale employers who can’t exercise discretion. Sorry for your loss. Flowers

Original poster
crunchymint · 15/01/2018 16:54

No not churlish. Just fed up of being discriminated against by lots of people who only think family matters.

OP posts:
Morphene · 15/01/2018 16:59

I have booked annual leave off. And in future I will claim compassionate leave if relatives die, that I don't really need it for, and have a day off. I haven't in the past.

This is EXACTLY the reason why companies are stupid not to give compassionate leave when requested. Compassionate leave will never hit your bottom line the way pissing off your employees and making them feel under-valued will.