Table Manners

[ciele]

AIBU to think such things are important?
I was brought up to consider such stuff as no elbows on the table, not eating with your mouth open, putting knife and fork together when you have finished as non negotiable.
My OH thinks these things are just the way my family was (read that as you will but I take it to mean shallow and overly concerned with the niceties).

I live in America and I'm horrified by what I see. I often pick a table where I can sit and not see other diners eat because their table manners are so bad. I welcome dark restaurants.

I'm on a hiding to nowhere with teaching my own DC table manners. They go to school and it's back to stabbing food with a knife.

I don't have waiting staff at home but we do the knife and fork together thing. I am fine with it, as I know who has finished.
I was also taught the 4 and 8 o'clock thing.

Not too bothered about elbows but the others yes. When people tell me my kids have lovely manners after a play date I think it's the biggest cOmpliment.

Manners should be based around not making other people feel uncomfortable, awkward, disgusted, etc. Not chewing with your mouth open, not using your phone at the table, farting at the table, etc. I can get on board with. Elbows on the table hurts no-one. So what's the point?

I know someone who can't seem to use a knife and fork without sticking their elbows out away from their body. Nobody wants to sit by them. They are also a noisy eater.

I'm a happy medium when it comes to table manners, elbows - no (no need).
Mouth open - no also.
Knife and fork together - meh, just tidyish on the plate is fine.
Talking, fine - just not with mouthfull.
Prodding someones left over sprout - go for it as long as they're finished.
Getting down from the table - hmm, I don't want 'please may I be excused' but a 'that was nice mum thanks, I need to finish my maths now' is a perfectly fine acknowledgement of the meal andvthat they're leaving the table.

Double dipping-just no. Not negotiable.

I'm sorry but anyone who eats with their mouth open or talks with it full is a total pig. Closing it is not a nicety, it's disgusting.

I hate bad table manners, elbows on thr table, not putting your knife and fork together to show you've finished is fine, meh, but eating with your mouth open or talking with it full, is not just bad table manners it's horrible. Anyone who eats with him will be secretly looking st him in total and utter disgust.

Sorry op, I'd be one of those and wouldn't wish to dine with him again.

I think good table manners are important and have always made sure the children abide by them.

• no elbows on the table
• cutlery held in the correct hands and properly (ie knife not held like a pencil)
• mouth closed
• no phones/books
• knowing which cutlery to use for when multiple courses are being served

If that makes me Victorian - then so be it.

Some people don't mind these things but I can't help inwardly cringing (I would never say or indicate publicly though) when I see people with poor table manners.

I suppose it's somewhat irrational - what does it really matter in the grand scheme of things? However I don't want other people feeling about my children the way I feel when I see people eating with poor manners.

Upshot is I'm probably a bit of a snob about it if I'm honest with myself.

It was always 'elbows off the table' when I was growing up and I've just sat at the table with my elbows on it to see what that does and... it would mean that my boobs would be on the table too. Could that be the reason why?

I must have very short arms or 'in your face' boobs... or both.

An open-mouthed eater wouldn't have made it past the first date for me.

Table manners are important and your OH is wrong.

Could that be the reason why?

Well, no not really, because if I put my elbows on thr table, my boobs don't follow suit. And your parents couldn't have known you'd have that problem

All manners including table ones are very important but I was never Victorian teaching them

Kids copy the parents and personally as a mum I get little butterflies of pride when people comment how lovely and polite my (now adult) children are.

Also it was great never being embarrassed to take the kids out to eat when they were younger as they always knew to behave.

My son will automatically take shopping off me when carrying in etc but to be honest it's teaching them respect and kindness to others that they pick up from you and their family and friends

my father was a stickler for table manners - probably excessively so - and never missed an opportunity to drum good manners into us. Although we could never afford to eat out in restaurants, we knew what to expect and how to behave.
I was never more glad of it when invited to dine with some senior military officers and saw the array of glassware and cutlery in front of me. With the occasional surreptitious glance at my dining companions, I managed not to disgrace myself - I think! I mean, I passed the port in the right direction and didn't drink the finger bowl.

I don't think many people nowadays would feel it was polite (except among very good friends, to drape yourself over the table with your upper arm flat against the table surface, or relax from the day by pushing your plate aside and putting your head down on your arm. "No elbows on the table" is an easy-to-teach dividing line.

If you are brought up with good manners you can never go wrong, then your children can choose if they keep up the rules. I feel a bit sad for children who do not know what good manners are, they will always be on the back foot.

Good table manners don't take any more effort or equipment than bad ones. So you might as well learn to do things properly, which will take you comfortably through all types of future social/dining situations.

Good table manners don't take any more effort or equipment than bad ones. So you might as well learn to do things properly, which will take you comfortably through all types of future social/dining situations.

How did you get through the first meal date with your OH?

Grim.

Teaching children basic table manners is part of parenting. One might not consider certain things important, but I’d judge someone not equipping their DC with basic manners so they can use them in restaurants and friends houses.

When they’re little it’s easy enough to say ‘Have you finished? Yes, ok let’s put your knife and fork together like this then’. It’s hardly draconian.

Elbows, I don’t care very much about at home, UNLESS they’re holding cutlery and it’s waving about like a plane with turbulence, or a cup/glass with two hands and sort of using the table to pivot.

The knife and fork together says "I've finished" in a restaurant.

Things that are disgusting and make me heave are clamped down on - So: Loud chewing/sloppy lip slapping, Talking/chewing with mouth open. Doing that thing Sparkling said when you put a spoon of food to your mouth and only take some off (worse when people put a full spoon of something like ice cream or yogurt fully in their mouth and kind of slide it out with food still on the spoon and teeth/lip marks ). Licking knives. Pushing food onto the fork with fingers instead of using the knife (DH i'm looking at you).

Things I don't care about are elbows on the table and position of cutlery - altho i always place my cutlery together.

I've been to loads of restaurants - even some really posh ones - and everyone has their elbows on the table. Especially if you are having a long chatty, boozy, dinner with friends. I just don't see the point in feeling uncomfortable.

Eating with your mouth closed, not eating noisily or sucking on your fingers etc, not double dipping are all simple courtesy to others. My DDs were also taught to wait until everyone was served before digging in unless told otherwise, in fact for most family meals we do say - “Don’t wait! It’ll get cold” because stuff like pasta does get cold quickly, but when we have guests, or for special meals or in restaurants, I hate to see people diving in before others are served, particularly if those still waiting are the guests or elderly.
Some table manners are snobbery, my husband holds his knife “incorrectly” I swallowed any comment because it’s a functional hold for him and isn’t harming anyone else; my knee-jerk “He’s holding it wrong!” - is my problem. I nonetheless taught my DD the commonly accepted way because why wouldn’t I? When they were small I probably corrected slouching with elbows on the table but I wouldn’t now they are older. Teaching them manners prevents them being embarrassed at a later date when they eat at other people’s houses when they might notice that everyone else has waited/ is staring at them when they chew or whatever.
It’s not strictly table manners, but my pet hate is people being twats to serving staff. My DD1 was horrified by a friend of hers in 6th form who spoke to waiting staff as if they were trash. She must have eaten a lot of chef’s relish in her time. She also double dipped AND ate with her mouth open too! She’s now a doctor and she had a very privileged upbringing, she’s just rude.

Another Victorian household here. I'm a stickler for table manners, it's the way I was raised and what I pass on to my dd. I could not date anyone who didn't hold their cutlery properly.

DC need guidance on all kinds of things, and that does include knowing what usually constitutes 'good table manners,' in my view.

I'd like to think that they will be able hold their own and feel comfortable in most social situations when they're older, and that includes learning decent table manners at a young age.

I agree that elbows on the table isn't generally 'a thing' with most people now though.