Table Manners

[ciele]

AIBU to think such things are important?
I was brought up to consider such stuff as no elbows on the table, not eating with your mouth open, putting knife and fork together when you have finished as non negotiable.
My OH thinks these things are just the way my family was (read that as you will but I take it to mean shallow and overly concerned with the niceties).

The most basic table manners are necessary unless you never wish to socialise with others? I mean not cramming your mouth as full as possible, slurping, eating with mouth open, talking with mouthful of food etc - all vile to most people, surely? No different from picking your nose or cleaning out your ears in front of others. Who wants to see the half-eaten contents of your mouth or listen as you try to talk through it? Elbows, holding cutlery etc not so important but still a good signifier of a person's manners in general - eg on a first meeting/date with someone, their table manners would tell me a lot about them and how they might be in other situations.

I dunno, it's easy enough to do both - encourage good manners, as well as enjoy family time around the dinner table.

Yes - I haven't found insisting on good manners impinges on being able to have a nice time at the dinner table or impact what the children eat - if anything I'd say the reverse is true.

I would say table manners help make family dinners pleasant. Asking my kids to make sure they don't eat with their mouths open certainly doesn't mean they don't eat! We enjoy a nice meal and chat, just not with our mouths full.

I agree - everyone knows what's expected in terms of behaviour so it creates the "space" for conversation and a relaxing family time.

I can't help feel people saying "it's more important the kids eat and we enjoy dinner" is because they have never placed importance on these things and now think it's too difficult to cajole children into eating nicely - it's easier to just let it go and say it's a waste of time.....

Elbows on the table is the only one I don’t care about.

I always said that someone could be the love of my life, but I'd dump them quick as anything if they ate with their mouth open! So disgusting and sets my misophonia off something chronic

What about the correct way to use fish knives and forks? Of course if you use these it means you haven't inherited your silver!

Well, enough time has elapsed since they were first introduced that many people probably have inherited them, but I think they're still considered déclassé.

I can't help feel people saying "it's more important the kids eat and we enjoy dinner" is because they have never placed importance on these things and now think it's too difficult to cajole children into eating nicely - it's easier to just let it go and say it's a waste of time.....

Yes.

I was shown proper table manners as a child, so now it just comes naturally.
For children that grow up with none, it's going to hinder dates/business meetings/meeting people as they grow older. I feel sorry for them, I really do.

Good point dowager. Agreed

For me this has become a very timely discussion. My DD10 goes to a prep school that has a connected senior school. She has a leadership role in her prep school and further to that she has been invited to a lunch that will be attended by some outside people invited to speak at the school, some senior school prefects and the headmistresses of the senior and prep schools.

As one of the youngest attendees her actions will be noticed, and she knows it. She told me she is a little scared of the lunch. As harsh as it sounds, I’m glad she is scared - because I know she will be fine. If she had no concern at all I’d be worried. That’s how she acts at home! But she is starting to appreciate that manners really do matter. Over the next couple of weeks I will make certain she has all the encouragement and guidance she needs to be confident she will come across well in her “big lunch” and make herself proud.

Another point I’d make is that good table manners isn’t just about using the cutlery correctly and not talking till you’ve finished chewing but is also about how you contribute to the conversation at the table and make the meal a pleasant experience for those around you. Winding up your brother isn’t a good way to do that; asking those around you what kind of day they have had, and listening intently to the answer, is.