Table Manners

[ciele]

AIBU to think such things are important?
I was brought up to consider such stuff as no elbows on the table, not eating with your mouth open, putting knife and fork together when you have finished as non negotiable.
My OH thinks these things are just the way my family was (read that as you will but I take it to mean shallow and overly concerned with the niceties).

Elbows on table I can't be bothered by. I can understand the issue.

But the other two I encourage. Though the knife and fork thing is more as an indicator the meal is finished.

By biggies are eating with mouth closed when eating and using knife and fork to eat with (though some foods exempt this!!)

OP you are right. Table manners are important. You can tell what kind of family the person was brought up in by table manners. Mouths open, shovelling food like pigs. Eating food with fingers on “sofa” on lap in front of tv. All gross habits and not in my house!

Life is too short for shit like keeping elbows off the table. It's comfy.

Eating with mouth open is rude though.

Very important to have good manners, no-one wants to see half chewed food going round in someone’s mouth and being sprayed across the table if talking with mouth full, it’s just disgusting.
Not bothered about elbows though.

Sometimes talks with mouth full. Grim.
We were out for lovely meal at friend’s house and I just think the whole lack of wanting to do ‘the right thing’ is disrespectful to host.
He is a successful professional!

I've been criticised at work for my bad table manners. It was in another European country where elbows or at least hands on the table is important, hands on your lap bad. Also for forgetting to pour water to other people - we didn't have a jug of water on the table growing up.
Having been made to feel bad for my lack of etiquette, I don't really like people going on about table manners.
However, I have a friend whose way of eating drives me mad. If offered something of mine like a nacho, he'll double dip unless I tell him not to. Won't use the serviette provided and it just generally messy. We go to Weatherspoons, not the Ritz, but I sometimes have trouble sitting opposite him.

YY I thought the knife and fork thing signals finished and makes it easier to take the plate away.

I wouldn't have wanted to date someone who had no concept of table manners. I just wouldn't. I judge.

Mouth closed, please/thank you/ cutlery used correctly/ sitting up straight are quite basic in my opinion...

These threads never resolve anything. You get half the people with (most likely) terrible manners saying these things are not important, and then the rest who do care. FWIW I am a stickler for table manners and secretly judge those that don’t have any. Especially in a professional setting - I have to socialise a lot with work a lot and am frequently astounded by the amount of people who can’t manage their cutlery or know which bread plate to use.

"I can't believe anyone would be ok with DC eating with their mouths open. I mean you want your DC to have friends and relationships..."

You would be surprised. Nearly all children we've had for tea eat with their mouths open, it's bloody vile and puts me off having them over again. I jokingly mentioned it to a friend and she got quite put out and insisted her DD hates this in other people so would never do it. I thought I must have had an odd time from her so we had her over again. Nope, one of the worst I've heard. Even my DCs quietly mentioned it to me and were really bothered by it. How my friend can say her DD doesn't do it, and act offended, I really don't know.

I am with you OP. Good manners cost nothing but make life more pleasant for everybody

Blimey, I must be lucky. We have had a lot of other people's children round for meals and they have very good table manners.

My two would be is their friends ate with their mouths open.

I was made to say 'thank you very much that was lovely, please may I leave the table' and it still goes through my head at the end of family meals!

When eating out the waiting staff know you are finished when a) your plate is empty or b) you put your napkin on top of the plate. If there is food left and you put your fork and knife together all that signals is that you are taking a pause from eating and they then dont know if your finished or not and would have to interrupt your meal to ask you if your finished.

We don't care where your elbows are but the following are important here -
That you wait till everyone is seated and served before beginning to eat,
Keep your mouth shut,
Don't 'gollop' drinks. We hate 'gollop' noises,
Ask for seconds, even if it's just a cursory 'chuck us the last popadom',
Signify you've finished by placing your cutlery on your used plate.
Wait till everyone is finished before escaping back to your room to snapchat your BFF (teens).

Elbows, I don’t really care

Mouth closed when eating, Yes nobody wants to see your chewed food 😷

Knife and folk together, ideally Yes but I could live with people not doing it

Totally agree with you OP. Hate poor table manners

Does anyone know the point of no elbows? That one just seems like a random rule made by someone who wanted to look down on others.

Eating with open mouth results in grim noise. That is non-negotiable for me and I would argue you’re doing your children a favour to teach them that as many people will find it (and therefore them) unpleasant.

Knife and fork together. I have taught this, so mine know what to do if out. It’s not strenuously enforced at home. For me, this is one of those things where they might as well get into the habit, given it’s so little effort and it does serve a purpose when out.

Elbows though? Never having them on thetable is honestly a pain. I can’t understand why anyone would choose to avoid it themselves, let alone inflict it on their children. For me, worrying about elbows on the table is indeed shallow and overconcerned with niceties. If you can tell me it serves some useful function, then perhaps you can change my mind.

I was always taught that if you are pausing between mouthfuls you place your knife and fork at 4 and 8 o'clock. If you place them both at 6 o'clock you have completed the course.

Putting your cutlery together is to signal to the waiting staff thst you have finished. Unless you have staff, it's not required at home. It certainly isn't manners.

My mom always nagged is, knife and fork in the right hand was the main one. It never really bothered me until I was older and I'd see people who didn't eat properly and can't eat properly because they don't have their knife and fork in the right hand. It irks me a bit. My husband doesn't and I can't stand it. It just doesn't look right and looks harder to eat?!

Can someone explain to me the point of the “no elbows on the table” rule? The others have real-world practical applications (signals for serving staff, not grossing others out) but the elbows thing just seems like an arbitrary rule that someone made up so that people wouldn’t appear too casual. In which case, I reject that rule.
Growing up, there was one institution I attended for a short time and they insisted on the “no elbows” rule. I hated it.

No elbows on the table: this so as to not take over/dominate the space of the table while people are eating. There is a good reason for it. Once things have been cleared away, if people are sitting around having coffee etc it does not matter so much.

Eating with your mouthful: this can make a person a bit disgusting to people sitting next to them.

Putting you knife and fork together: this is a simple signalling method to let everyone else involved know when you have finished eating.

YANBU as long as a child is taught manners gently, bit by bit, and never made to feel embarrassed or frightened of your reactions while he/she is eating.

Knife and fork together is very sensible as a way of signalling that you've finished.

I don’t know but I guess elbows is about letting everyone have a good view of other diners?
I didn’t used to see the point of not shovelling but now I judge.
I also like food brought up to the mouth, not head to the table!