Hen Do

[TheDeuteragonist]

So, I'm getting married this year. DSis is Maid of Honour and took on the responsibility of planning my hen do. Fine by me, I'm pretty laid back.

Got a text from her saying 'Hen do booked and guess what??? We are going for a week!'

We hadn't agreed dates at this point, so I asked her when so I could book the time off work.

She told me the dates and I put in for the time off...-and my boss came back and said someone had already booked that week off and I couldn't have it off.

I fed this back to DSis. Response was 'but it's already booked...they can't not give you the time off...you'll have to call in sick(!!!)'

I have attempted to negotiate the time off at work to no avail as there's no cover. For more context, DSis is a teacher and hen do is booked during school hols, so wouldn't have been an issue for her.

So now, the hen do is booked, everyone has the time off BUT me and I'm not able to go on my own hen do.

I've explained it multiple times and I don't think DSIs has made any attempt to see if she can cancel/change dates. In fact, I'm told she's still organising activities.

AIBU to think this is totally ridiculous and DSis really just fancied a week holiday?? It's patently obvious it's not about me, at all.

Bobby, they have no problems with me calling in sick for a week. They sure as hell wouldn't do it...

As for the rest of wedding planning, all of it thus far has been done independently of DSis.

I purposely went shopping with MIL to be for wedding dress. I invited my mum along to see it on once it was chosen and that was that.

Venue was chosen by DP and I and DM and DDad visited once we had settled upon it.

I'm fairly independent of them and don't rely on them too much for validation.

I'd be making sure there weren't any opportunities at the wedding itself for DSis to make it all about her - it sounds like she's the type.
I'd be promoting MIL to Maid of Honour!!

Your DM and DSis are completely selfish and as mad as a box of frogs. I feel sorry for your uni friends if they have already paid their deposits. You need to put your foot down and make it clear how upset you are. Your DM just isn't listening to you at all, sounds like you are shouting into the void with your family. I agree with pp this is the worst and saddest hen do thread I have ever read.

Go have fun with a few friends, something inexpensive that everyone can enjoy. A nice meal and then a party at a club or bar whose music you like, cabs back home that night, done.

Did your dad speaking to your Mum get any response?

what a shock another thread picked up by the excellent journalists at the daily fail....
www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-5271869/Bride-slams-maid-honor-sister.html

That is seriously lazy journalism. Why not just provide a link to Mumsnet and say, Mumsnet is entertaining today.

Shitty daily mail!

RTFT and really feel for you OP.

My family have been very similar over the years, and I'm also trying to negotiate the minefield of trying to get married without causing drama, but also without ending up with a day that feels like I've done nothing but compromise.

I've been looking forward to my wedding for years (I was a reclusive child and would plan it endlessly in great detail, sad I know), and families just have this innate ability to turn something happy and exciting into a stressful, utterly miserable mess. Looks like we're "eloping" now with DD and DPs parents. Bracing myself for the post-wedding fallout already...

If nobody will put you first, you need to. Everyone else is being selfish, so you've got to be too or you'll get walked all over.
Would you go on holiday on your own while DP watched your daughter? I went on several holidays alone a few years ago when I was feeling desperately left out, friendless and lonely. Never got invited to anything, so I planned something that no-one could interfere with. The confidence and enjoyment I got out of solo travel was amazing. Never once felt lonely - although like you I was swamped with relentless child rearing so being alone for once was bliss! I know it's not for everyone, but thought it might be worth a mention. It was definitely the single thing that stopped me worrying about pleasing everyone else all the time, and stopped my neurotic worry that I didn't have enough friends and they didn't like me etc.

Or could someone look after your DD for a few days so you and DP could have a break together?

Really do feel for you OP - I wish I could cover your week at work for you, and send you off somewhere nice! It really does sound like you'd like to go and get the break if you could, which is much worse than them planning something crap you can't go to.

And to add to your pains, the daily mail has picked up on it too...

for you x

Families and weddings are so often a stressful combination. I remember going wedding dress and bridesmaid dress shopping with my DM and my DSis and they had a blazing row, it spoiled what should have been part of the build up to my special day. It felt like they were making it be about them when it should have been about me.

Nothing like as bad as what you're having to cope with, though, OP.

If they go on this 'hendoliday' without you then there is no way I would keep sis as MOH. And I wouldn't give DM any special duties either or a place at the top table. It's ridiculous.

I would message everyone again making it very clear that, given that there is no bride in attendance, it is in no way your hen do.

The utter stupidity of not checking dates with you is mind boggling. Does she have form for being as thick as mince?

And BTW Daily Mail, your lazy journalism sickens me.

I’d be gutted and pretty upset in your position... some friends they are! I’m stunned they are still going. So do you get a hen night at all?

Ah I actually find it pretty hilarious DM picked it up.

It's quite far down the web page so I'm not too worried about it. Slow news day, eh?

Sounds fine to me that they have shamed the family! Hope they recognise themselves!! Utter twats -

So what's happening now OP? How are feeling? Especially since you have now realised the situation is so mad it's tabloid worthy? 😂

What a rubbish situation. All I can think of is grovelling before the school governors and offering to pay for a supply teacher but I don't blame you if that seems unappealing. Your sister is a dick.

Not much has changed to be honest!

I have no idea if my dad has mentioned anything to mum or sister. I'm just letting them crack on, there's obviously no point trying to fight it!

I arranged a surprise trip away for my friends big birthday. I checked the dates with her husband first and got her bosses name, then rang him to book the time off for her. Not difficult, is it! I’d be so pissed off if I were you, OP.

If this does go ahead and they all go off on holiday together, it needs to be clear that this is not your hen do.
Then start the whatsapp discussion about ‘what shall you do for you hen do then? How about a spa day/ night out etc?’
Draw a line under their holiday somehow counting as your hen do and start a new dialogue about what will actually be your do.

Yes longhair OP you need to set up a what's app group for your hen do and let the first post be, "so what shall we do for my hen do then? I'm so excited!!! Who wants to take charge of organising it?" Then let the second post be "please ask me first about dates and times, it's not always easy to get time off as you know".

Fight a little bit OP! Even the daily mail is on your side love!

Op your sister is unbelievable and your dm should never have gone alone with this ridiculous charade.
Feel for your uni friends as they have paid, but the rest can go to hell!
Downgrade your dsis role but most importantly write out a few ideas for your do and organise the most wonderful long weekend away with your friends something you would love to do - I didn't even have a hen do my dh and I had a wondeful long romantic weekend away, and it really suited us. Might be even nicer if it is warm and you can get a tan before your wedding and some relaxation before your big day. The holiday is the holiday - your hen do is yours and should be special. Stop talking about their crappy hurtful holiday and get back onto your hen do and your wedding.
Your sister is a disgrace

Alone - along

A whole week though? Bit over the top no?

I'm sad for you op.

That said, at least your DSis has shown her true colours now, before the wedding, when you've got time to sack her as MOH and organise a new hen do.

Get in touch with your friends and organise a night out. It'll be more fun than this nightmare of a holiday.

So - where are we all going for Op's real hen Do?

OP what date are you free?