Hen Do

[TheDeuteragonist]

So, I'm getting married this year. DSis is Maid of Honour and took on the responsibility of planning my hen do. Fine by me, I'm pretty laid back.

Got a text from her saying 'Hen do booked and guess what??? We are going for a week!'

We hadn't agreed dates at this point, so I asked her when so I could book the time off work.

She told me the dates and I put in for the time off...-and my boss came back and said someone had already booked that week off and I couldn't have it off.

I fed this back to DSis. Response was 'but it's already booked...they can't not give you the time off...you'll have to call in sick(!!!)'

I have attempted to negotiate the time off at work to no avail as there's no cover. For more context, DSis is a teacher and hen do is booked during school hols, so wouldn't have been an issue for her.

So now, the hen do is booked, everyone has the time off BUT me and I'm not able to go on my own hen do.

I've explained it multiple times and I don't think DSIs has made any attempt to see if she can cancel/change dates. In fact, I'm told she's still organising activities.

AIBU to think this is totally ridiculous and DSis really just fancied a week holiday?? It's patently obvious it's not about me, at all.

I assume your uni friends thought your sister would have confirmed dates with you first, like a normal person. It must be gutting for them, especially if they have paid already. I hope your dad manages to talk sense to your mum.

Oh op

I think we're all agreed this is utterly shit

Give yourself time to make friends. I found once dc start school you get thrown together with a whole bunch of people. PTAs, school fairs etc there's loads of stuff to do and it's easier to meet people and there's more chance you'll find someone you click with.

And it's not the quantity of friends. It's the quality. The friend organising another hen do. She's a keeper! And hopefully the uni friends saying they'd rather arrange something with you.

One decent friend is worth a hundred shitty ones. And I think the same goes for family. Only keep those close to you who make you happy and have your best interests at heart.

Have an awesome wedding

It sounds like your friends have been fed a line by your sister (and who would think that a MOH wouldn’t check with the bride?) so I would keep these friendships.

Your sister though...

I agree with this: Your DS is your MOH, and you also have other BMs. So cut her out of the wedding party because she is hindering not helping (prepare for drama doing this) and promote one of the BMs.

I absolutely would cut her out of the wedding party. She could still come as a guest, but she’s actively demoting you during your own wedding to put herself first!

I would organise your own hen night (I did, meant to got the night I wanted) and not invite your dear sister.

She is actually horrible to do this to you. It’s not about you, it’s about her.

Thank you all so much for your responses.

I was beginning to think I was going mad and that it was my fault for not being able to get the time off or not being forceful enough with work. I know my boss, though, and if she could accommodate she would.

DP has just reminded me that DM, DDad, DSis and her family are going away in the school hols as well. We weren't invited because they 'didn't think we would get the time off '

So that's kind of put the nail in the coffin for me. It's just a holiday now. No hen involved.

You literally couldn't make it up (and I'm genuinely not!) they are holiday mad, self centred arseholes.

actively demoting you during your own wedding to put herself first

Actually, mulling on this more, if she’s prepared to actively plan your own hen do when you can’t make it, who knows what she might do at the wedding and people would think she has ‘permission’ as she’s the MOH. Sack her. It doesn’t have to be drama filled, just say that she’s clearly not helping with the wedding and you need more support. The best way to preserve this relationship is to make sure she treats you with more respect in the future.

OMG-that is just horrible!

You say that your sister has form for being self-centred, but what about your uni friends, your mum and your until?!

Families can be massively hard work. And because they’re family there’s an ingrained feeling of obligation. But it is misplaced. I’ve learned that you can’t choose family but you can choose what part they play in your life. It was hard initially to not stay in as much contact and stand up to them but now it’s so much easier!

Your friend who can’t go sounds great and so do your work colleagues. So do you-stick with them!

ChasedbyBees, I think she thinks that I will get time off, by hook or by crook, and that's why she's blindly soldiering in with it all. She couldn't conceive that I wouldn't be able to get the time off, because she can't see beyond the end of her own nose.

Yet I know she wouldn't be prepared to lose her job so she could go off on a hen do.

DMum is a holiday fiend so is just happy it's a week in the sun, most probably!

Same with Aunt really.

I had expected better from my DM and did bring it up with her this weekend and got the same answers

I hope your sister isn't going to bulldoze her way through your wedding arrangements. What exactly does a MOH do anyway?

When I got married 36 years ago a MOH was there to keep the little bridesmaids in check. Although it wasn't usual to have them then. I think the norm was to have just a couple of bridesmaids.

Please don't let your sister override what you want at your wedding. It is your wedding, not hers. In fact, is she married? Is she jealous that you are getting married?

Hi OP. Just RTFT. You sound lovely and I hope you and your DP have a great wedding whatever you do.

Your family members sound like selfish prats and don't deserve the power of ruining what should be an exciting time for you after what sounds like a very hard year.

Let them go on holidays and enjoy a local hen night with your friend and work colleagues.

Having family that can't be relied on, work and a small child is hard work (in same boat) and doesn't leave lots of time for making new friends. You will do though, give it time. You deserve a lot better than this.

I had years of not having many friends. I know how it feels. I have loads now (since my eldest started nursery at his school). You don't sound like a wet lettuce at all. You sound normal

I wouldn't be impressed if I were one of your university friends. I can't imagine they will want to go on holiday with your family without you being there.

OP it’s definitely not you!!

And I’d totally bin her off as MoH!!! She just wants to dominate your wedding as well as have the hen do she always wanted.

Your work colleagues sound lovely, and if they want to go on a hen do then just accept it and have a fab time, don’t worry about them not coming to the wedding, it’s less stressful if you don’t feel forced to go on a night out just because you’re going to someone’s wedding. Instead just have a good time. Invite the uni friends, not their fault, they would obviously assume your own sister would book a time that the bride could attend.

Honestly, I would just laugh and make it clear I wasn't going. They can enjoy their 'hen do' all they want! Do your friends know that you're not going? Tell your sis that she still owes you a hen do as well

Your sister and mother are twats.

Poor you OP, that’s shocking.

You should have given her somemdates you were free

Who has a week for a hen do

Weekend fine

7 nights not

If you can’t do the dates then you want eo then

Burn you and sis were silly it to discuss properly

Blondes No. The OP's sister should have come back with an idea for the hen do. Or maybe a couple of ideas. For the OP to then say "that sounds good". No one but an utter moron thinks "hen do = a week's holiday" and books it before chatting it through with the bride. The OP is not at fault at all.

They sound nuts and you sound really nice. I think it can be hard to make friends and you end up feeling really embarrassed about it. What a horrible thing to do. A weekend would have been great or a night out. Why on earth a week? She’s nuts.

Without sounding to harsh do you need a hen do? I for one never had one and have no regrets.
Your family are treating you like shit....but you're sort of stuck with them. Stop involving them in any decision making around your wedding and focus on you and your DP..good luck!

Your sister and mother sound incredibly selfish.

I suggest that you arrange a big night out with your work colleagues and the friend that can't make the holiday. Don't invite your sister or mother but let them know you've made alternative plans so enjoy their holiday without you and your hen do is taken care of.

In your situation I would think about eloping rather than dealing with a toxic family who treat you so badly.

Wow. Just wow. It's not a hen do. It's a cluster fuck.

Just read the whole thread. So sorry for you OP, you sound lovely but surrounded by selfish arseholes.

Have a knees-up at your local and invite all us lot, we'll have more fun :D

What is wrong with your mum?

Organise something lovely with your uni and work mates during school term-time. Invite them but say "if you wanted to be there you'd pull a sickie".

This is hilarious in it's own way!

Just when you think the hend o/ stag do shark has been jumped, this comes up.

At least you haven't paid anything. I would just have a meal without your incredibly selfish and thoughtless family and friends.

I would find it deeply satisfying to say as they prepare to jet off " I told you I couldn't get the time off, and I'm not stupid enough to phone in sick for a week I already have had declined for a holiday. I might as well hand my notice in ".

I love that two teachers have absolutely no problems with phoning in sick for a week either.