Hen Do

[TheDeuteragonist]

So, I'm getting married this year. DSis is Maid of Honour and took on the responsibility of planning my hen do. Fine by me, I'm pretty laid back.

Got a text from her saying 'Hen do booked and guess what??? We are going for a week!'

We hadn't agreed dates at this point, so I asked her when so I could book the time off work.

She told me the dates and I put in for the time off...-and my boss came back and said someone had already booked that week off and I couldn't have it off.

I fed this back to DSis. Response was 'but it's already booked...they can't not give you the time off...you'll have to call in sick(!!!)'

I have attempted to negotiate the time off at work to no avail as there's no cover. For more context, DSis is a teacher and hen do is booked during school hols, so wouldn't have been an issue for her.

So now, the hen do is booked, everyone has the time off BUT me and I'm not able to go on my own hen do.

I've explained it multiple times and I don't think DSIs has made any attempt to see if she can cancel/change dates. In fact, I'm told she's still organising activities.

AIBU to think this is totally ridiculous and DSis really just fancied a week holiday?? It's patently obvious it's not about me, at all.

Well your boss will know that you're not actually ill now because you have raided the dates. You really should make it clear to everyone that you cannot be there

Wow!

Your sister clearly just fancies a holiday, as does your mum.

Wow.

I'd fire her as my MOH, tbh. Have you considered eloping?

Oh definitely fire her

Everyone knows. They know that I'll keep trying to negotiate the time off but as I have no booking details I can't make any headway on telling anyone where they stand on cancelling.

As I say, they'll more than likely be happy enough to swan off on their own

This is so selfish! I am gobsmacked.

I'm so sorry Op. You deserve better people close to you

I wouldn’t bother trying to sort it if it was me.
They are all being incredibly mean and insensitive.
Can you book your own hen night somewhere and invite some friends yourself?

BewareOfDragons, we considered eloping but somehow have got caught up in the madness of a wedding.

This is mostly because I found a venue I loved and things just went from there.

My friend who can't make the hen do has said she will arrange something local. I don't have a huge circle of friends to be honest bar from my 2 close uni friends. I've had a bit of a shitty year or so and this kind of puts the cherry on top.

But you can't "keep negotiating", can you? If the policy is one person off at a time and someone else has already booked it, nothing is going to change. Your sister is an idiot, and it would be very disloyal of all of them to go without you. They won't really do that, surely?

Why are Hen parties so problematic?

Like weddings, I'd say a good number would love to bail out.

This is so fucking insane - WTF are they thinking? And it's definitely not your hen-do any more. I'd seriously think about eloping if I were you - or just book a nice registry office and get people who actually give a shit about you as witnesses, then have a nice meal somewhere.

If they do, I'd seriously sack them from the wedding party and have your local friend as MoH instead. Childish, yes, but I'd be so annoyed in your position.

Personally I think I would just elope - preferably during that week they are all off. Just do it and sod them all. They don't care that you will be missing your own hen do so why should you care if they miss your wedding? They are all behaving awfully OP, I honestly cannot believe your Mum!

Marie, there's only 5 of them!

3 are family members who have been on holiday together before. 1 of my uni friends has been on holiday with me and my family before, just after we finished university. So it wouldn't be beyond the realms of possibility of cancelling meant they wouldn't get their money back.

It's so problematic because DSis is MOH, both uni friends are bridesmaid/brides man and obviously there's my mum. I've booked a bloody bungalow for us all to stay in the night before the wedding!

I don't have the luxury of sacking DSis or falling out with my friends because I'll only be making myself lonelier. I don't have a huge number of friends.

Your sister and Mum sound bonkers.

As long as you have made it clear to your two friends from University this isn't your hen do, and that you won't be going, so they - if they go - will just be going on a holiday with your sis, Mum and Aunty, then just stay out of it and let them get on with it.
Arrange a nice day / evening out with your sane local friend and shake your head in despair at your family. Truly bonkers.

But you don't have to accept shitty behaviour from them either! You have your DH & DD and your other friend. Just concentrate on them, sod your family. A hen do without the hen- whatever next. Oh I know- a wedding without the MOH & mother of the bride!

Who the fuck organises a hen do without checking the bride can go?

I think I'd either get it out there very clearly that you're unable to go so it's not a hen do then maybe organise low key drinks with the other friend, colleagues etc or even make it a joint thing with your partner and his mates. Or tell your sister she's not needed as MOH any more but refuse to elaborate, then elope to a beautiful location with your DP and DD only at a time of your convenience and tell no bugger til you get back.

You could probably have somewhere gorgeous for a week for 3 for the money you'll spend on a big 'do' that might even trump the venue you first saw.

I'd probably do the second option as I cannot be bothered with rude and hurtful people.

You do have the option of sacking them off - no friends is way better than shit friends. And you can always make new friends.

she said if that was the case then she was still going

I think you picked the wrong person to be your MOH.....your sis is very selfish and self-centred.
This was never a hen do and not about you.....it was an opportunity for her to go on holiday 'with the girls' - with a cursory nod to your hen do
.....and she's making sure she gets her holiday regardless of whether the hen is there or not.

Why not let your other friend arrange a night out and tell everyone that is the official hen do?

I think they have to cancel or it really shows you who the priority is.

Having read further I'd rather join clubs and try new things to meet people than have users who disregard my feelings play a large part in my life (and I say that as someone who really has to steel herself to do new things).

Yikes! This is bonkers. Tbh they all sound quite hard work (read fucking horrendous ... ok, sorry, sorry, I know they’re family). But tbh, I’d feel if had a lucky escape. Do something fun and local with people who aren’t ridiculous. A week long excursion for your sister... I mean for you, at a surprise venue indeed.

*I’d feel I’d had a lucky escape

Or indeed if you really really want this to work tell your sis that you need all the booking details in order to negotiate with your work - then phone up and explore the possibility of changing weeks.