Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hen Do

169 replies

TheDeuteragonist · 14/01/2018 19:26

So, I'm getting married this year. DSis is Maid of Honour and took on the responsibility of planning my hen do. Fine by me, I'm pretty laid back.

Got a text from her saying 'Hen do booked and guess what??? We are going for a week!'

We hadn't agreed dates at this point, so I asked her when so I could book the time off work.

She told me the dates and I put in for the time off...-and my boss came back and said someone had already booked that week off and I couldn't have it off.

I fed this back to DSis. Response was 'but it's already booked...they can't not give you the time off...you'll have to call in sick(!!!)'

I have attempted to negotiate the time off at work to no avail as there's no cover. For more context, DSis is a teacher and hen do is booked during school hols, so wouldn't have been an issue for her.

So now, the hen do is booked, everyone has the time off BUT me and I'm not able to go on my own hen do.

I've explained it multiple times and I don't think DSIs has made any attempt to see if she can cancel/change dates. In fact, I'm told she's still organising activities.

AIBU to think this is totally ridiculous and DSis really just fancied a week holiday?? It's patently obvious it's not about me, at all.

OP posts:
HeebieJeebies456 · 14/01/2018 21:06

it would be hilarious if you got married whilst they were on holiday....Grin Grin

StepAwayFromGoogle · 14/01/2018 21:09

I'd ask for the details, OP, and call the company yourself to see about rearranging. What a bunch of arseholes. The hen do is all about you, not at all about them. I'd refuse to go on a hen do if the bloody bride wasn't going to be there!

Original poster
TheDeuteragonist · 14/01/2018 21:09

Have decided I will send a message to the group chat in the morning stating that I won't be getting the time off, it's no longer my hen do and the ball is in their court re: whether they go or not. Draw a line firmly in the sand.

I feel like when I've said it before it's just been sucked into a vacuum.

I know it sounds quite refreshing and liberating to say sack them off and elope but it's just not something I can easily do. Maybe I'm a push over. But these people are my family and by and large I love them, as pathetic as it sounds. I've been incredibly hurt by them, yes, and I need to make that known instead of stewing about it.

As for the wedding, it's not just about them. There's my dad, elderly grandads, DP's family to consider. All who I want to share in my wedding and when we weighed up eloping we both agreed it was important to us to have our families there. It's quite a small wedding as it is.

God I sound so pathetic when I've been treated so shifting but honestly I don't want to spend the next six months having to make a new bunch of friends to invite to my wedding. I want my family and friends to just give a shit.

OP posts:
ForalltheSaints · 14/01/2018 21:10

I have heard some strange things about hen dos. This tops the lot!

TealStar · 14/01/2018 21:13

Op I think that’s a good plan.
Text the group chat with a firm statement saying that you are unable to come and therefore it will not be your hen do. I would probably add some words to the effect that you are very disappointed that it has come to this as you were really looking forward to having a hen do.
Then I would plan a weekend away with a couple of other close friends.

TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag · 14/01/2018 21:14

I know it sounds quite refreshing and liberating to say sack them off and elope

I’m actually with you on this^^. It still doesn’t mean you’d have enjoyed your sister’s party... I mean, your hen do, with them. I wouldn’t elope or uninvite them from your wedding or anything like that. I’d just chalk it up and arrange something fun and local for your hen do with people who aren’t ridiculous.

TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag · 14/01/2018 21:15

Sorry, I obviously meant I’m with you on it sounding refreshing but also agree that I wouldn’t sack them off from the wedding / cut them out of my life etc.

Rebeccatheold · 14/01/2018 21:20

WTAF that’s outrageous! I agree with your plan of 21:09 just tell them you can’t get the time off, it’s not your hen do, and they can sort it amongst themselves. Then leave them to it.

And I wouldn’t bother with another hen do, OP. Bet your sis would take over that too and fuck it up!

Holy mackerel that’s bonkers. Who does that.

Figrollsnotfatrolls · 14/01/2018 21:20

Dump them. They aren't your friends. And I would be nc with family also. Shit bags the lot of them

52FestiveRoad · 14/01/2018 21:31

So what does your Dad think of your mum's behaviour? can you have a word with him, let him know how hurt you are? Could he not intervene?

Original poster
TheDeuteragonist · 14/01/2018 21:32

The more I think about it the angrier it makes me.

My mental health has been crap and I was hoping throwing myself into wedding planning and the run up would be just what I needed to distract me.

It's just reminded me that I mean absolutely 0 to those I view as closest to me.

My friend who can't come is organising something else, but if I cut them out it's like to just be me and her. I'm pretty sure I could live with that though.

To be perfectly honest, none of this wedding is about me, although it should be about me and DP solely. So maybe low key registry office should be in the cards.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheDeuteragonist · 14/01/2018 21:34

52, I did just that this evening and spilled my guts to my dad. He knew very little about it but admitted that it sounded like something had gone wrong.l communication wise and agreed that I shouldn't pull a sickie. He guessed that it was in school holidays which is why they had been so thoughtless.

He said he would speak to DM about it.

OP posts:
TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag · 14/01/2018 21:41

My friend who can't come is organising something else, but if I cut them out it's like to just be me and her. I'm pretty sure I could live with that though.

I’d probably do this, or at the VERY most tell them what’s happening and when, but don’t do anything special to accommodate your mum or sister. If your sister threatens to throw any more lovely surprises into the night for you, tell her no thank you, it’s sorted.

TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag · 14/01/2018 21:42

My friend who can't come is organising something else, but if I cut them out it's like to just be me and her. I'm pretty sure I could live with that though.

I’d probably do this, or at the VERY most tell them what’s happening and when, but don’t do anything special to accommodate your mum or sister. If your sister threatens to throw any more lovely surprises into the night for you, tell her no thank you, it’s sorted.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/01/2018 21:42

I’m so sorry OP. What wankers.

This is your wedding. It’s got to be about you and your husband to be.

I know it feels very difficult but you do have an opportunity to make changes. When is the wedding? How much have you paid for?

You want to look back on your wedding day, the beginning of your marriage, as having been special, happy, relaxed, meaningful, about the two of you celebrating your love, commitment to each other and the hope for your future.

This hen do thing is beyond shocking and a real kick in the balls. Plan something lovely and fun with your friend and be honest with the others.

In terms of the wedding, take a big breath and a step back, talk to your fiancé and take any and all steps to have the day YOU want. You’ll get loads of advice here. You sound so lovely and I really feel for that you’ve been going through.

waterlily200 · 14/01/2018 21:49

I would add to your message that you plan to do something local for your hen do as the holiday will no longer be that and that you really hope they can celebrate your pending wedding at a local event

BackforGood · 14/01/2018 21:51

I really love Heebie's suggestion about arranging the wedding for the week they've all buggered off without you. I know you can't, as you can't get the week off,(except maybe the Saturday....?) but it would be brilliant if you could - still invite your Dad and Grandad, etc. . Grin

KateGrey · 14/01/2018 22:00

That’s really shitty. You should have been the first person your sister checked with. I’d be really hurt as well. Have a local hen with a friend. A nice meal out.

Original poster
TheDeuteragonist · 14/01/2018 22:04

Have messaged them all.

Uni friends seem to get it and want to find a work around, if possible. DSis is not responding Hmm

Thought it might be funny to regale you with some other suggestions of hers for my big day...

1)Have a white bridesmaid dress!

Granted, I am not wearing white but it was still a very firm no from me.

  1. Sing either at my ceremony or the reception.

Again, a rather resounding no from me. She mentioned both of these again last night when we were talking weddings. She wanted to be the only bridesmaid in white,too.

I grew up very much in DSis's shadow. We went to the same school and she was very sporty, popular and very musical (singing, playing instruments, etc), which was a big thing in our school.

Our relationship has been fractious but as I moved away and made my own life it improved and I enjoy her company by and large but she is VERY self centred at times and can be quite thoughtless. I have stressed a couple of times that my wedding isn't an opportunity for her to showcase herself.

OP posts:
londonrach · 14/01/2018 22:08

A hen party without the hen..ive heard everything now. Vvvv strange. Is your dsis ok as in what way does she think thats ok. Yanbu

sonjadog · 14/01/2018 22:11

Hope your uni friends come through!

apacketofcrisps · 14/01/2018 22:58

Is she single/yearning to get married by any chance?

Peoniesandcats · 14/01/2018 23:08

Is any of the week over a weekend where you could join for a couple of nights?

IHATEPeppaPig · 14/01/2018 23:15

Oh OP this is truly outrageous- I think you are handling it well (a lot better than I would).

Your DSis is absolutely bonkers - white bridesmaid dresses indeed Hmm

Idontdowindows · 14/01/2018 23:17

I would let everyone know that you're not going and it is not your hen do.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.