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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hen Do

169 replies

TheDeuteragonist · 14/01/2018 19:26

So, I'm getting married this year. DSis is Maid of Honour and took on the responsibility of planning my hen do. Fine by me, I'm pretty laid back.

Got a text from her saying 'Hen do booked and guess what??? We are going for a week!'

We hadn't agreed dates at this point, so I asked her when so I could book the time off work.

She told me the dates and I put in for the time off...-and my boss came back and said someone had already booked that week off and I couldn't have it off.

I fed this back to DSis. Response was 'but it's already booked...they can't not give you the time off...you'll have to call in sick(!!!)'

I have attempted to negotiate the time off at work to no avail as there's no cover. For more context, DSis is a teacher and hen do is booked during school hols, so wouldn't have been an issue for her.

So now, the hen do is booked, everyone has the time off BUT me and I'm not able to go on my own hen do.

I've explained it multiple times and I don't think DSIs has made any attempt to see if she can cancel/change dates. In fact, I'm told she's still organising activities.

AIBU to think this is totally ridiculous and DSis really just fancied a week holiday?? It's patently obvious it's not about me, at all.

OP posts:
FlyingElbows · 14/01/2018 23:21

Oh dear... a "hen do" which is basically some people you know going on holiday with your mum while you go to work has got to be a mn first? It's bonkers. Stick to your guns, op.

Lj8893 · 14/01/2018 23:30

Wow this is insane! I think you have done the right thing by messaging them all, you need to be very clear that you cannot attend!

Lizzie48 · 14/01/2018 23:38

That really is the most ridiculous thing I ever heard, a hen week's holiday without the hen! Your DSis does sound like she wants everything to be about her. You've done well to make it clear that you won't be there.

And you obviously couldn't call in sick at work, as your boss will know that you originally applied for leave for the hen week away, so you're stuck.

TieGrr · 14/01/2018 23:45

Does she think she's Pippa Middleolton or something with the white bridesmaid dress?

HolyShet · 14/01/2018 23:52

Your sister and mother are insane

Imagine booking a hen party the hen can't go to!

WalkingEverywhere · 15/01/2018 00:01

OP, this is so beyond the realms of what is normal I can't help but wonder if it's an elaborate joke that they are playing on you. It just doesn't sound believable. Do any of them know you go on Mumsnet? Perhaps they are hoping this makes the Daily Mail?

ReanimatedSGB · 15/01/2018 00:04

Sounds like your sister is absolutely stuck in the mindset that she is the important person in the family, so your wedding must actually be all about the sister-of-the-bride and how wonderful she is. It must be utterly miserable. I hope you can make some alternative plans with your other friends (it actually sounds like your Uni friends are concerned, and not automatically prepared to regard your sister as the centre of the universe) and have a lovely wedding.

timeisnotaline · 15/01/2018 00:16

I wouldn’t sack the uni friends off , they are rather innocently caught up in it all. Your mum and sister though... you really should tell your sister you think it isn’t a good idea to have her as Moh, you love her but you cant seem to get it through to her that this wedding is your wedding not hers.

Merryoldgoat · 15/01/2018 00:50

Oh OP - this is shocking actually. Surely first thing to get is the BRIDE'S availability!

I completely under how you can't cut them out but that sister would be relegated to guest. She's jealous and inconsiderate.

MiddleClassProblem · 15/01/2018 01:07

Bloody hell, this is awful!

Sometimes people like this being your main/only circle can hold you back from making new friends. You may not want to cut them off but you can see your DSis less frequently. Due to her dominance on you you may not be allowing new friends in so easily or picking up in the signs of friendships forming iyswim. I’m guessing you were away from home at uni? Being out of her shadow and on your own so you made friends but since being back you’re back under her bushel? I might be reading too much into it but you may want to think about that.

Greensleeves · 15/01/2018 01:27

Wow, I'm actually shocked. Your sister is a spoiled brat. I would tell her to stick her hen do up her arse and she wouldn't be welcome at the wedding either.

Sorry this has happened, you must be really hurt Sad

AntiHop · 15/01/2018 01:33

I hope you made it clear to the others that this was booked without you being able to check if you can get the week off.

PastaOfMuppets · 15/01/2018 02:15

Your DS is your MOH, and you also have other BMs. So cut her out of the wedding party because she is hindering not helping (prepare for drama doing this) and promote one of the BMs. Very simple. You don't need more than one attendant anyway esp if it's a small wedding. I read usually one set of attendants for every 30-ish guests, and my small wedding was maybe 80-90 guests with only one set of attendants. Your DS just wants everything about her and clearly isn't thinking about you. If a week off was booked for her during term time would she just take a sickie knowing her boss knew she was going on holiday? What a self absorbed mole she sounds like and same too for your DM for enabling her.

choli · 15/01/2018 02:24

That is totally ridiculous - you need to tell your sister that it's fine if she wants to just go off on a jolly but she still owes you a hen party! It's insane not to check the bride's availability before booking!
Uh, no, she doesn't. Nobody is owed a hen party ffsakes.

Engorged · 15/01/2018 02:38

Wow its all about your self absorbed sister isnt it? You can see where she gets it from, your equally self absorbed mother.

I would bin her OP. Sounds like she will just make it all about her anyway

Engorged · 15/01/2018 02:41

See if the questions asked on the synopsis of the book ring true at all OP and google fear obligation and guilt. They dont believe they owe you anything...you owe them nothing.

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/0060928972/ref=dbs_a_w_dp_0060928972?tag=mumsnetforum-21#productDescription_secondary_view_div_1515983417816

lurkingnotlurking · 15/01/2018 08:05

It sounds like you have low self esteem, Op. I'd look towards how you've been treated by those closest to you rather than think it's intrinsic to you. Why don't you think about moving away and making a new life away from these people? Would your fiance be receptive?

Lizzie48 · 15/01/2018 08:22

I also recommend the Stately Homes thread on the relationships board, OP. It's a place where those of us with toxic families can offer each other non-judgmental support. I've found it hugely beneficial. The way your DM and DSis are treating you is just not right. Thanks

Original poster
TheDeuteragonist · 15/01/2018 08:28

DSis got married last year, so not yearning for the wedding she's never had. I organised her hen do, and was her MOH. She's had her 'moment' if you like.

I always said I'd prefer quite a laid back hen do. I'd have been happy to do a spa day for the older people and just organise a night out in a big city for uni friends. So she's kind of taken it and run with it somewhat. As I've said, I'm not averse to a week away, this and my honeymoon are probably going to be my only opportunity to have a holiday this year.

Truth be told, I'm quite reliant on my family despite their dysfunctions. We don't live locally (about 50 minute drive away) but DP works nights so we often go and visit on the weekend as have to get out of the house so DP can sleep.

I moved to where I am now about 4 years ago but just haven't made a whole lot of friends. Having DD was probably my best opportunity to make friends but I had pretty bad PND which held me back somewhat.

I have work colleagues who are equally as outraged about the hen do thing. They have offered to help me arrange something locally, however feel even worse as wasn't planning on inviting them to the wedding because of numbers.

I have looked in to joining clubs, but DPs shifts are quite erratic. I struggle to go to the gym etc regularly due to this as need to look after DD.

Gosh, I sound sad, don't I? I'm actually quite a fun person. It's just I've relied so much on my family that having been let down by them I don't really have the option of turning to a wider circle of friends. I'm not a wet lettuce, promise!

OP posts:
AnakinCyberwalker · 15/01/2018 08:33

Gosh, I sound sad, don't I?

Nope. I'd arrange a great night out with your lovely work colleagues and elope. I've read the whole thread btw and still think this Grin. You could add on a post-wedding night out for "hen party" members when you return. You deserve better than this treatment Flowers

ShatnersWig · 15/01/2018 08:43

This is one of the weirdest yet also saddest hen threads I've seen on MN.

I'd actually have no hesitation in sacking her as MOH regardless of fall out. This is incredibly shitty behaviour and the fact that she's your sister is irrelevant. Anyone treats me like that gets cut out. Life's too short.

surlycurly · 15/01/2018 08:47

I fucking hate weddings. They really do bring out the worst/ most selfish bit in people. I'm sorry your feelings have been hurt OP and I hope you just take it as thoughtlessness and not meanness, as I think that's what it is. I can totally imagine my own sister/ mother doing this too. Anyway, I am sure the big day will be a delight and have a low key hen instead. There's no point in trying to make this situation work because they've already hurt your feelings.

Figrollsnotfatrolls · 15/01/2018 08:48

Maidzilla needs a good slap imo.

I hope your dm has had the same thought....
Sounds like you think she shone back then but she def knows who is the brighter star these days and is jealous of you.

FrancisUnderwood · 15/01/2018 08:51

I wouldn't want to go even if I could after this little charade!

Figgygal · 15/01/2018 08:56

They are all completely taking the piss it's your hen do They can't go without you she said if they do it's no longer a hen do just a holiday for them. Glad your dad seems to have a sensible head on him.

What do they think is gonna happen if you phone in sick for an entire week and then pictures appear on Facebook of you living it up in a foreign country. Bloody ridiculous

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