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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family keep ignoring DD's birthday...

144 replies

Whitewhine89 · 14/01/2018 00:15

Whilst acknowledging other DC b'days later on in the year.

Certain members of close extended family have ignored DDs Birthday for the past 4 years (she is under 10 years old). It is approaching her birthday and I'm sure it will happen again.

WIBU to tell them to forget giving any of my DC a card/present if they don't acknowledge this forthcoming birthday? No back story or falling out BTW and I have never ever forgotten or even been late with their kids presents.

Pissed off at the fact that they are only excluding one child and for the last couple of years that child has noticed. I'd rather they gave to all or none. I haven't said anything previously as don't want to cause a scene and I'm not too bothered about presents per se, it's more to do with my children not being treated equally.

So do I speak up or keep quiet?

OP posts:
Original poster
Whitewhine89 · 14/01/2018 09:13

I really really hate to mention this, but with y’s birthday coming up, I need to check out with you whether we are going to exchange birthday gifts for the dc this year - I want to of course - but y has started to notice that she didn’t get a birthday card or gift from you for the past four years, and her siblings did. I feel so embarrassed mentioning it, but needed to grasp the nettle and check it out with you for her sake.’

Think this is the approach I'm going to go with... thanks all for your input! I haven't dealt with it before because I like my sil and don't want to rock the boat unnecessarily.

I see much more of their kids than they do of mine at my inlaws house as they look after them at weekends and I spend time there.

Appreciate the responses and differing views!

OP posts:
HermioneAndMsJones · 14/01/2018 09:14

A lot of very PA solutions on here....

Just tell them OP and make sure you mention how upset your dd is to be forgotten every year when no one else is.
And be prepared to give a solution (such as let’s just send each other cards).
You need to put your dd first (and maybe should have done a long time ago tbh. Because now it has become a habit and the done thing so I suspect nobody is eve;questioning it. Something along the lines of ‘White never said nothing so it must be ok with her’)

HermioneAndMsJones · 14/01/2018 09:16

The thing is by not wanting to rock the boat, you’ve also made it clear that you were ok with ONE of your dcs not receiving presents (when the other did).
And you’ve said it yourself too. You were ok with it until she started to notice....

Time to put your own dc feeling about the ones of an adult tbh.

StripeyDeckchair · 14/01/2018 09:21

Send an email now reminding them it's DDs birthday along the lines Just reminding you it's DDs birthday on the X then as a number of people forgot it last year and she was really upset.

Equimum · 14/01/2018 09:26

Lots of people forgot DS1s birthday the first couple of years, because it is very close to Christmas. I now make a point of remjndung these people and it seems to work.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 14/01/2018 09:29

Can’tbyou organise a birthday tea at home for relatives?

Ragwort · 14/01/2018 09:29

Can't you make an invitation out of it - not a huge party but just say something like 'would you like to join us on X date for tea and cake to celebrate DD's birthday?'

LadyGAgain · 14/01/2018 09:30

Perfect message OP. Let us know what response you get. I hope they are suitable ashamed. Good luck!

baublesnbubbles · 14/01/2018 09:33

What about inviting them for a birthday tea the week of your dd s birthday - mention how dd s birthday gets forgotten every year so you thought it would be nice to mark it and make it special as dd was feeling sad about it being forgotten.

vdbfamily · 14/01/2018 09:35

I agree with an email basically saying that you are not bothered one way or another but you need it to be consistant for your kids now they are big enough to notice. We have a similar thing in our family. I have 3 brothers and one of the brothers will always send my kids a card with a £5, one brother is hit or miss and one brother will always just send a card. My husbands parents have only once given the kids a Christmas gift and never a birthday gift and there are also a variety of gifting behaviours from all their Godparents. I guess it is an opportunity to have a conversation with our children about how we are all different and have different priorities. Some of us are forgetful, some of us have financial difficulties. some love giving gifts and some are not bothered. I guess we should also tell our kids that they should not really expect gifts but just be appreciative when they do appear ......but fairness is very important to kids so I would definitely tell family that the inconsistancy needs to stop!

Original poster
Whitewhine89 · 14/01/2018 09:43

Message drafted and ready to be sent "Hi X, just wanted to invite you all over on xxx to have some cake and celebrate DD's birthday. She would love to see you all and it would be good to catch up after Christmas"

I'm not a confrontational person so this allows them to come (or not!) and will serve as a polite reminder. If they decline the invite and still don't send a card then its Plan B - Eg. Are we not doing kids birthdays any more? DD is constantly being overlooked and she is aware etc.

It's a plan I'm comfortable with, DH agrees too.

OP posts:
mogonfoxnight · 14/01/2018 09:43

I agree with elderlylady above about honest communication. Another thing you could do is invite everyone over for cake and champers/tea on a weekend to celebrate the birthday, which would hopefully prompt the gift buying?

Original poster
Whitewhine89 · 14/01/2018 09:45

vdb yes its the inconsistency that drives me mad, not that they don't receive a gift.

OP posts:
mogonfoxnight · 14/01/2018 09:47

Cross posts!

Iliketurtles · 14/01/2018 09:51

Just as another thought, was there a difference before they stopped sending , did one child acknowledge and send a thank you letter/note/message ( or you on her behalf) and the other not?

wagil · 14/01/2018 09:51

I don't understand why some birthdays are harder to remember, surely the way you organise your reminders applies to each and every birthday. I have them all on a calendar, my DD has them on her phone, how are some missable?

Littlelambpeep · 14/01/2018 09:56

Good plan op

Socksey · 14/01/2018 09:57

I have a February birthday.... and this happened all the time as a child.. .. still does now.... sibling with December birthday always had it remembered so either acknowledged in December on the date or a larger Christmas birthday.... me? Nothing.... as if it didn't exist.... still hurts bow I'm an adult as parent even forget it so often no phone call etc on my birthday....
I always put it down to people being broke in February after Christmas and that it's usually the worst month for weather etc so people just don't want to know....
Not sure what, if any thing can be done...

kath6144 · 14/01/2018 10:22

spring time everyone remembers, Nov, Oct not so much.

Not true for mine - DS has a Nov birthday, we have 2 sets of friends with similar aged DC who we exchange with. Since all 4 of their kids birthdays are Oct/Nov (with one from each family being close to DSs) they never forget, though one is consistently late, but just a day or 3 with DS.

DD on the other hand has a June birthday. They have both totally forgotten in the past. Since they dont live locally and send via post, I usually question after a few weeks, using 'Did you send something, as we want to send a thank you if you did'. One family has generally remembered since then. The other is usually 2 weeks late at least, but something arrives eventually. It is her 18th this year, I had hoped when oldest ones turned 18 (my DS and another) we would stop but both families were adamant they wanted to go on to 21!!!

My SIL 'forgot' DS birthday last year, despite her DH's being the next day. He is at uni, but was home the day before, heading back early on his birthday. Most people (he doesn't get much now!) sent cards to us in good time, so we could forward on if he wasn't home. I do same with SIL kids, or even ask for their uni address, not that hard. I did ask DH to question his sister, which he wasn't keen on but it was out of character and we wanted to know if it had got lost.

We got a 'sorry its late, in the post' message. It arrived here nearly a week late, then needed sending on. Why oh why didnt she just ask for his uni address?

I would have to say something Op, just outright ask if you are doing presents for DC in 2018, as they seem to always forget your DD. If they still don't send anything, then stop their DC. It should kickstart them to either restart your DD, or stop all your DC, both of which are better than current scenario.

mickeysminnie · 14/01/2018 11:08

I would just say, as it is the start of a new year, can we agree not to do any birthday presents this year?

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 14/01/2018 15:11

SO who is it that forgets your DD’s birthdays? Sibling and their family or grandparents?

mandi73 · 14/01/2018 15:17

They're just being pathetic! DD's birthday is also a January birthday and our family never forget in fact she usually gets really good presents from the Christmas sales :) :)

Original poster
Whitewhine89 · 14/01/2018 15:34

drink it's DH's sibling - if it was my own I would have no dilemma! DH not so bothered but I'm at the stage of refusing to ignore the issue since DD is now aware of the inequality.

OP posts:
twobambinos · 14/01/2018 16:00

My bil has not thought of either of my dds for birthdays or Christmas for at least three years. He gets invited to the parties and doesn't even acknowledge it. We don't treat his children any different to how we treat other nieces and nephews. My dds haven't noticed yet so I guess this is a little different but when they do I won't be making any excuses for him. Some give presents some do not so be it.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 14/01/2018 16:14

I think it’s strange and would suspect deliberateness. Are they struggling for another child? You “nicked” the name they liked for your DD? Confused I mean is there any self percevied slight they could be harbouring?