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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Settle this argument please.

176 replies

hattiesmumm · 13/01/2018 10:49

Dp and I have a love affair with Whitby. When dp proposed my engagement ring was whitby jet. I have earrings and necklaces to match. It means a lot to me.

Anyway, it’s our babysitters 18th soon, she’s lovely and we get on well. I want to get her a present But I’m rubbish at presents so Iv left it to dp. He’s bought her a whitby jet cross necklace. She’s quite gothic so I know she will love it.

But I’m so upset. I can’t pin point why but I feel really upset.

Aibu

OP posts:
Blackteadrinker77 · 13/01/2018 11:28

I really don't get why this would upset you.

He didn't buy her replicas of what you have, it just happens to be the same material.

NataliaOsipova · 13/01/2018 11:28

I don't think men are as sentimental about this sort of thing. (Huge generalisation, I know!). For example, DH was holding my hand on the train the other day and was affectionately playing with my rings. "What's that one in the middle?", he asked. It's my wedding ring....ShockGrin

Your DH will have in his head that Whitby jet is "a good thing" and is a lovely gift for a lady. Because you like it so much. That'll be the thought process. It doesn't make it less special for you; in fact, if you look at it from the the other direction, it's like you're the model on which he bases all other women, which I think is a compliment!

Chewbecca · 13/01/2018 11:28

I do get why you are upset OP, but I also get why DP thought it might be a good gift and don't think it is really worth falling out over.

wizzler · 13/01/2018 11:28

I would be amazed if my DH was so thoughtful as to organise jet jewellry for a goth friend. Most of his presents are bought at sainsburys or halfords.

Can see why your nose is a little out of joint, but sounds like your DH is lovely.

NotACleverName · 13/01/2018 11:29

I can't see myself getting upset about something like this. Nobody "owns" a particular stone.

As an aside, The Magpie: best fish and chips ever.

alotalotalot · 13/01/2018 11:31

I think he thought it was a safe bet. You like it so she probably will. More like a lack of confidence in his own choice than a conscious decision to detract from your relationship.

PinkyBlunder · 13/01/2018 11:32

This is going to be one of those threads for sure.

I wasn’t suggesting any foul play btw OP. I guess I’m a bit perplexed by the buying of jewellery (expensive jewellery at that!) for someone that looks after your kids occasionally. I wouldn’t buy jewellery for my DCs teacher and she spends hours with her for a fair chunk of the year.

To be honest my DH would likely do something quite as insensitive and I’d probably call him out on it but then move on quickly enough.

bfgdreamtree · 13/01/2018 11:32

And of course op, on mn you’ll get all the oh he bought the babysitter jewellery.must be sus

you're the only one saying that. Weird of you actually.

Goldenbug · 13/01/2018 11:32

A nice present for his future wife your babysitter. He bought it because he thought she'd like it. Men don't always get the emotional significance stuff, but if you sit him down and explain it he'll realise it's something he'll have to pretend to understand.

Get her a magnum of snakebite instead.

bfgdreamtree · 13/01/2018 11:35

You shouldn't have posted here op. If you are upset, then you are, you can be if you want. IF other people wouldn't be, so what? All you're going to get here is people loftiliy telling you how stupid you are and how much more sensible they are as it wouldn't upset them.
So what? Your feelings are your own and no-one should be telling you that aren't entilted to them

Sparklingbrook · 13/01/2018 11:36

Well said bfgdreamtree.

Hoppinggreen · 13/01/2018 11:42

If she wasn’t a Goth I would think it was more insensitive but Whitby is a big Goth place so your DH is being quite logical in his thinking .
So Goth = Whitby, Cross, black etc
It’s actually a really good gift for her and it wouid be daft if your DH thought if the ideal gift but then couldn’t get it for her in case it upset you
I can appreciate why it could upset you OP but I would just try and get it go

RooKangaroo · 13/01/2018 11:43

I completely get it.

DH and I have an animal as our 'thing' (long story). If he bought something to do with that animal for someone else I'd be upset. It's our thing.

problembottom · 13/01/2018 11:45

I totally get it. This pales in comparison but DP once bought me a necklace and earrings for Christmas that I'd pointed out in a shop ages ago, a lovely surprise. Because they went down so well he then bought them for his DSis for her birthday. I didn't realise until we both turned up wearing them one night. It put me off them! Also one year he bought his other DSis "my" perfume for Christmas.

He just didn't get doing that made my gifts feel less special.We didn't fall out over it but I told him and he doesn't do it anymore.

Tell him, take the necklace back if that's possible and buy her something else.

BertrandRussell · 13/01/2018 11:45

I get it too-I'd be a bit sad too if I thought it was our "thing" and discovered that DP didn't think the same way.

But I think him dismissing your feelings is the worst thing-even if you don't understand why someone you love is feeling something you acknowledge that they are, surely?

GoodEnough1 · 13/01/2018 11:46

I didn't know what Whitby is but just googled and it's gorgeous. You are reading too much into it, he no doubt thinks because you like it its a good choice for anyone, surely he's not much more confident buying jewellery for an 18 year old than you are. Basically he just went for what he thought was a safe option - I would be more concerned if he had agonised over the purchase. And the gift is from you too so appropriate to give her something that you love. Brilliant present, lucky girl, you should be excited to give it to her.

BertrandRussell · 13/01/2018 11:48

Oh and Whitby jet isn't mega bucks- so don't go down that road, people!

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 13/01/2018 11:49

On the contrary posters are suggesting it’s inappropriate
It was something special between you and him, and now it’s between you, him, and the 18 year old babysitter
^^ this implies it’s inappropriate and something special breached

It's like he has devalued the intimacy and romance of it for you
^^ so the mere purchase of a gift has spoiled a special bond

Weird is comparing a Jewellery purchase to breach of intimacy
Weird is pointedly noting the cross was bought for an 18 yo babysitter

So no I’m not overstating this in the least others are
And yes in true mn style I’d expect someone to say it’s sus

TheStoic · 13/01/2018 11:51

Those of you who ‘don’t get it’, don’t you have a thing that’s special between you and your partner? An object, a song, a place? If so, wouldn’t you feel a bit sad if he shared that with someone else?

If you don’t have anything special, that’s a bit sad in itself.

Sparklingbrook · 13/01/2018 11:51

Some of the pieces are beautiful. Now I want some.

whamond.com/collections/whitby-jet

Nanna50 · 13/01/2018 11:52

I would be hurt too. I would probably feel a little saddened that he had not realised the significance that the stone had for us. A gothic necklace no problem, but not the Whitby jet, it's too personal.

bfgdreamtree · 13/01/2018 11:58

If you don’t have anything special, that’s a bit sad in itself

agree.

MadMags · 13/01/2018 12:01

this implies it’s inappropriate and something special breached

Don’t state your agenda driven extrapolation as fact. It’s tiresome.

OP felt that the purchase of this particular jewelry was something special between herself and your DH.

A teenager who occasionally babysits shouldn’t be involved in it. All or most couples have these little intimacies that nobody else is privy to.

Now, it’s entirely possible and most likely probable that OP’s DH just thought nice jewelry and my wife likes it so it’s a safe bet.

They don’t give it equal importance.

He’s not wrong. He hasn’t done anything awful. But equally, OP is entitled to her feelings on the subject.

She’s upset, hopefully she can explain to him that even if he doesn’t get it, it bothers her. They can get the babysitter a bottle of champagne or something equally celebratory, and the world can keep turning.

After she’s faced the superiority and derision of MNers who are far too right on to actually have feelings about anything, of course.

Wh0KnowsWhereTheT1meG0es · 13/01/2018 12:02

It wouldn't bother me if I'm honest, we don't really go in for special things (and no that isn't sad, we are perfectly happy) but I can see why you would be upset if you do go in for that sort of thing so I don't think either of you is wrong.

greenmagpie · 13/01/2018 12:04

There's a difference between 'sharing' a specific song and the band that sings that song. Or an object and another object in the same colour, say. That was the point of my post. Do you think he should have avoided all silver jewellery? All jewellery? Where do you draw the line?