To think having sex as a female is dangerous

[Bumsnetnetbums]

Genuine post.
Over the last few years I have known women whom have contracted chlamydia as teens and who are infertile due to pelvic inflammatory disease. I have friends with warts. BV. Trich.
And on another thread, those with abnormal cells, and cervical cancer.
All these conditions are given to women by men. (Yes women transmit also but for men there are very few long term effects other than passing on to other women).
Pregnancy is the one bonus if ttc. But even then women have unwanted pregnancy and abortions to deal with. Neither of these are anywhere near as traumatic for men.
I have come to an age where the above are so risky and widespread that i dont think i will ever have sex again. It is hard to be in the mood when a penis can literally be like gun which shoots you and takes your health, just in a slower and more humiliating way.
I fear for my daughters. I will obviously allow the hpv vaccine. But sex is not what we thought it was as teens. It is dangerous for women.
I have said on a couple of threads about infidelity that by taking back unfaithful partners is health risking.
Women who have been cheating on are hurt from the intimacy where the partner has turned to another woman outside the marriage. They focus on whats best for the kids.
AIBU to say that the first thing women should be focussing on is their sexual health. It isnt the closeness with another woman which is worst. It is that he has totally disregarded your health to have sex with another woman not knowing what he could be bringing home.
What is right for the kids is a healthy mum. They might be upset by daddy leaving. But they will be heartbroken at mummy dying from hiv/hepatitis/cervical cancer.

I am all for teaching sexual health, but I don't know why it necessarily has to do with self respect, or why self respect should look different to girls from what it does to boys.

I want my son to know that he, too, is at risk of disease unless he takes very good care to protect himself, I want him to know that once he engages in heterosexual sex he is going to have to live with the possibility of being responsible for a baby. I want him to understand that he should never have sex just because his mates or his girlfriend or a random girl he meets at a party expect him to (and yes, those expectations are there for boys, too). I want him to understand that the only real reason to have sex is when both people really want to.

But as I wouldn't expect him to feel his self respect lowered by having had multiple sexual partners, I'm not going to feel that about his sister either. Self respect is not about how often you have sex: it's about how you behave towards sexual partners and expect them to behave towards you.

Jass you had me until the 'drop their knickers'. I know what you mean, but you sound as if marriage or very long term relationship is your goal for them. Im not sure thats the best thing though?
I have said previously i hope my girls are either gay or will be single mums and happy with their babies and friends. I actually dread the day they say they want to get married. I think id rather they claim benefits as there is an element of freedom not oossible when relying on a husband.
To those suggesting i have an issue I brought it up with a therapist I was already seeing. She proceeded to discuss her exceptionally high sex drive and taste for young men alongside the aforementioned smirks and jokes about omg how good it feels. I didnt return!

Gamer Its fluidy and leaves the sheets a mess. Thats enough reason to reject it

Not here, that’s what his bedrooms for.

Condoms take care of all that if mess is an issue though.

Strong. Glad many women like sex. Dont need a grip tho ta

Bums - is it completely impossible to you imagine your daughters finding a male partner, having a career, having kids, going back to their career and being financially independent and not relying on a man?! Why are you pigeon holing your kids?

Strong-yes. Impossible.
Im not pidgeonholing them they will do as they please.
Hopefully in a way whereby any damage to them is minimised.

OP, sounds like you've been having an absolutely rotten time and that all your decisions are absolutely sensible for you.

You do have a duty, though, to understand that your dd's are totally different people, who will have totally different lives from you, and for whom the right decisions may well look totally different.

My MIL's life was made miserable for many years by her mother's inability to understand that she was not her. Her mother had had a bad experience with men, been abandoned with small baby by one, and had some other issues with her second one. Totally right to feel suspicious from her pov. What was not right was for her to transfer those feelings to her dd, to get upset when she fell in love with an older man (who turned out to be a wonderful husband and father to her children), to refuse to attend her wedding because she was grieving, and spent the rest of her life saddened by the thought that her dd was dependent on this unsuitable man (she really wasn't! my MIL was a strong and independent woman, who earned her own money, and my FIL was a very good partner to her, they had a very happy life together). Understandably, my MIL never forgave her mother for not seeing her, as a person in her own right.

@Bumsnetnetbums "drop their knickers" just a phrase, more regular than comparing a penis to a gun perhaps?!

I just want my girls to be happy whether that is in a long term relationship/married/gay/whatever.

By saying you'd rather your daughters were gay or on benefits instead of with a man has turned this somewhat for me. This isn't about sexual health is it but your issues with men.

Let's not forget that being a lesbian does not stop them from being sexually and financially abused by their partner. You hope they pick the right partner. Making them fearful of other people might backfire on both you and them negatively. Be careful and watch how you deal with your girls. The last thing you want is creating more an I essay issue that can be solved in other ways.

I really hope your daughters grow up to have loving and sexually fulfilling relationships.

I just hope your attitude to sex doesn't taint their views.

I just want my girls to be happy whether that is in a long term relationship/married/gay/whatever

Which could of course include casual sex

What quencher said. The important thing is to bring them up to be a) able to earn a living b) very strongly aware than in any relationship the wellbeing of both partners is equally important.

Cory perhaps.
My elder dd is headstrong. She will do as she wishes-but yes if she marries i will force myself to attend and smile. And fucking sob from her being engaged forward every single day at what she will be losing. My other dd is badly disabled so may not be an issue.

@JacquesHammer as I said originally I'm not blinkered.

"She will do as she wishes-but yes if she marries i will force myself to attend and smile. And fucking sob from her being engaged forward every single day at what she will be losing"

So if she enters on a marriage where she will be treated as an equal, contributing equally and getting an equal amount back, living in a friendly, sociable, mutually supportive relationship- you will sob?

That sounds exactly like dh's grandmother. There was nothing wrong with FIL, but her experience was negative, so it had to be negative. And though tbf she didn't sob openly after that the wedding, they all knew. It cast a bit of a pall over family reunions. And her dd never forgave her for being unable to see beyond her own prejudices.

Oh and if you claim the above relationship couldn't possibly happen- that was my own marriage I was describing. Dh and I have been together 35 years, we both work, we both contribute equally to the housework, he has never pressured me into sex, not once in 35 years, and he is the best companion I could possibly have.

Am fully aware that my own dd may or may not end up living with a man or with a woman or on her own, and I would be fine with any of those as long as they are right for the person she is, not for the one I am.

She will do as she wishes-but yes if she marries i will force myself to attend and smile. And fucking sob from her being engaged forward every single day at what she will be losing

That is awful, why do you not think your child can end up in a long term loving mutually respectful marriage?

My parents and in laws have been happily married for 50 years, Myself and my DH and my 2 sisters and their husbands for 15-25 years, My DD is to be married in June to her partner of 7 years, He is a huge part of our family and adores the ground my DD walks on.

Your views are warped and fear for your DD is the view of relationships she is been given.

Sorry, I'm going to upset people. Keeping your legs shut? Waiting until you've found someone who is disease free (or taking a test to confirm it if they've come out of a bad relationship? - which works both ways, obviously). The most important part of sexual health is the number of people you have sex with and trusting the person you do eventually have sex with. If a guy won't wait until you've known him well enough, then he's probably not best for a long term relationship anyway. If you do want to crazy with a guy you just met, use a condom but you could still end up with a whole load of stuff like genital warts...

cory
It is true boys need to be aware of stds too. In other countries boys are vaccinated for HPV too - not just girls.

www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2017/04/11/teenage-boys-could-given-hpv-jabs-prevent-cancer/

We should have this here without it costing £300 +

Pollymere

But even if you do that... If this person decides to cheat on you with somone that doesn’t have the same idea? You might be screwed.

The likelihood of him asking to re-introduce condoms is rather small as well.

That part was emphasised when my father gave me ‘the talk’ (I was about 13?)

Kind. That absolutely.

POINT THE FUCKING GUN AT ME!!!!!!!

Apologise....midnight and cba to read the thread!

First, as a mother of a young adult son whose first "real" gf gave him an std (thankfully cured) men are also vulnerable and just as horrified, hurt and disgusted to be given something. I am not going further but not everything that is transmitted can be not transmitted by using condoms...(I truly want to know nothing but he was a teen and came to us before dr,)

Secondly, I have NO qualms about telling either ds or dd that sex is better with one caring partner than misc. Pick ups, hook ups. I am not being a hypocrite, I am being a good mother.

Sex shared in a loving relationship is much better, to me, than any other type. For me, sex is much, much more with dh, 30 years this spring, mid 20s when we met. Neither of us has been with anyone else in that time and we are still passionate.

So I have told both dc that sex is sex but it doesn't compare at all with lovemaking. I hope that they listen to me, bc part of love is trust, and diseases and safety are mixed in this as well.

I suppose that I have tried to appeal to their sense of well being and self respect. Ultimately, their choices but I only want them to be happy.

Sorry about you son abby. That must have been horrible. I suppose it is a lesson learnt about the risks of sex. However i challenge you on what sex is ok/not ok.
I shudder at the thought of lovemaking and cringe at women's perception of sex in this way. Men never use those words to describe it!
And i am not trying to doubt your relationship indeed i am glad you are happy. But you cannot say for definite he has not had anyone else in all those years. You trust that he hasnt, but that is all.
My thoughts have been criticised more than yours but you are saying you are a good mother for encouraging long term partners. But that is the socially constructed norm. Long term relationships are riskier cos of trust. Hookups more likely to rubber up. So it isnt about mothering but your blinkered-or perdonal- view.
Back.
Pointless post if you hadnt rtft.

I think i agree with you bums. I have had too many bad experiences with men and with sex, to risk it again. The benefits just dont outweigh the risks

I will be happy if my daughters dont have negative experiences and have healthy respectful sex lives and relationships. But kind of secretly hoping for gayness or celebacy