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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Excluded from nephew's wedding

287 replies

mumwhite · 12/01/2018 09:15

Feeling really crap as I found out ( when the invite landed) that we've only been invited to the evening do of my only nephew's wedding. I know it's their day and they can do what they like but I feel really upset about it. They've had lots of opportunties to tell us before now. It's caused a whole rift, and my sister's blaming me. My mother on the other hand agrees with me.

OP posts:
DancesWithOtters · 12/01/2018 11:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bluntness100 · 12/01/2018 11:47

Why oh why does someone always claim that things that are not normal in their personal social circle "only happen on MN'

This! Someone actually said up thread it was "unthinkable"not to invite your aunt. Were as I think it's unthinkable for me personally to invite an aunt who can't stand the bride, is rude enough to kick off because her invite is not good enough and who I seldom see and have little to no relationship with. I can see why some would, to keep the peace, but I'd be fucked if I invited folks who couldn't stand my fiancé and thought they weren't good enough to my nuptials. Fair play to anyone who does.

Mumsnet really is bonkers sometimes. It's like the 1900s and mrs bennet is alive and well. Grin

Elllicam · 12/01/2018 11:49

I didn’t invite any of my aunts to my wedding but we only had a tiny wedding, 40 people all in. I think they may still be annoyed though.

Jigglytuff · 12/01/2018 11:51

Eh? The OP has said nothing about 'Save the Date' cards!

I wouldn't invite the OP either. She's going to be sitting there with a cat's bum face throughout the entire proceedings, let's face it.

Evelynismyformerspyname · 12/01/2018 11:55

rookie we didn't invite anyone evening only (nor did we invite any uncles, aunts or cousins) but I presume that they are a desperate attempt to compromise.

Sometimes it's friends who get those invitations because parents are paying for the wedding and have used that to bully the couple out of inviting their own friends to the wedding in favour of using limited budget to pay for relatives the bride/ groom hasn't seen since they were 12 and parents' old school friends.

On the other hand relatives get evening invites from poor sods who are self funding and therefore stand up for inviting their friends to the whole wedding, but are besieged by closer relatives laying on guilt trips for not inviting not close relatives. So evening invites are issued to placitate and compromise. Also in some cases for colleagues, yes, if the wedding is local to work.

weepingangel12 · 12/01/2018 12:03

When OH and I got married 36 years ago weddings were primarily family celebrations (including children) with a few friends

No, yours was. Maybe your friends. Not everyones.

I think people need lines: I must not assume my own experience is universal. I must not assume my own experience is universal. I must not assume my own experience is universal. I must not assume my own experience is universal..........

WipsGlitter · 12/01/2018 12:05

I would be gutted if I wasn't invited to my nieces wedding. But I agree there's a bit missing here.

So, you found out you were not invited to the wedding and then you... fill in the blanks!!

Lizzie48 · 12/01/2018 12:08

My MIL wanted me to invite her cousins to our wedding, 15 years ago this year. I refused to invite them to the whole event, as my DH didn't even really know them and I'd never met them. We had limited places as well. So they came to the ceremony and then returned for the evening reception. They were fairly local so they were happy with that (or maybe they weren't, who knows, but I wouldn't worry about that tbh).

Original poster
mumwhite · 12/01/2018 12:16

Ok so I didn't explain any of this very well. Here is what the real story is...

I was upset at not being invited - whether that's justified I am still unsure?? From the comments I am guessing that I am wrong.

There are lots of divorces on my sister's part. Lot's of stuff happened over a custody battle over my Nephew. There are lot's of old wounds beeing dug up. People going who really don't get on.

By not inviting us, my parents will be very much on their own from our side. This was why I was so surprised at not being invited?? It has left them no option but not go. This will upset my nephew, but honestly if you knew what happened years ago, you would totally understand where they are coming from.

The bride was warned that a traditional wedding was a really bad idea, then chose to ignore it. The real person to blame in all of this is my sister and her 'car crash' marriages.

I didn't explain this part. The 'rift' isn't really down to me. The comments have left me feeling so awful and I am never posting on here again!

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 12/01/2018 12:19

Sorry have skimmed thread, so to summarise:

OP is hurt at NOT being invited to the wedding of someone she doesn't like (the bride) and a nephew she's not close to and she doesn't approve of their relationship.

mumwhite - why are you making this all about you? I think it's pretty bloody obvious why you're not invited to the wedding, they don't want you there. Not even sure why you want to go to be honest if you don't approve of the relationship.

Confused
Arkangel · 12/01/2018 12:20

Well, that's as clear as mud op.

savingmysanity · 12/01/2018 12:20

Whilst planning my own wedding (76 days to go) the best thing anyone said to me is "A wedding is a wedding, not a family reunion".

Be hurt by all means but be hurt quietly. It is their wedding. You are not entitled to an invite at all.

Also bad mouthing the bride, even if it is only the invite, does not garner sympathy for your cause.

Bluelady · 12/01/2018 12:21

My stepson's getting married in May, no aunts and uncles invited to any part of the day. My OH had to tell them and that was a fun conversation.

DriggleDraggle · 12/01/2018 12:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Strongvegetables · 12/01/2018 12:24

Maybe she knows you don’t like her?

JaneyEJones · 12/01/2018 12:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
mumwhite · 12/01/2018 12:27

No I won't hold any 'grudge'. This is why I hate tradional weddings. In this day and age families are so complex. My husband and I got married abroad to avoid all this!

OP posts:
Original poster
mumwhite · 12/01/2018 12:28

No she doesn't know at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
mumwhite · 12/01/2018 12:29

DriggleDraggle my mum told her.

OP posts:
Jigglytuff · 12/01/2018 12:30

So you didn’t invite any family to your wedding but you’re upset you’re not invited? And because you’re not invited, the groom’s grandparents aren’t going? But this is all your sister’s fault.

I’m lost

Evelynismyformerspyname · 12/01/2018 12:30

How can she be blaming you for something she doesn't know about? [hmmConfused

How has it caused a rift if you haven't made a fuss?

Original poster
mumwhite · 12/01/2018 12:31

Bluelady at least he told them. In my opinion that is a better way to do it, with an explanation. They've had plenty of oportunity to do the same here, but didn't.

OP posts:
bellagood · 12/01/2018 12:32

@mumwhite

No I won't hold any 'grudge'. This is why I hate tradional weddings. In this day and age families are so complex. My husband and I got married abroad to avoid all this!

You got married abroad anyway to avoid inviting anyone, and now you are kicking off about not being invited to your nephews wedding.

You couldn't make it up!

myrtleWilson · 12/01/2018 12:32

Sorry Janey I disagree, there is no “should” about it in my view. We didn’t invite all Aunts/Uncles to our wedding - for various reasons. As I said above I had a very small wedding, why does a blood relative with no real life or emotional connection with me/us trump a friend who does? Who would I rather be so happy and excited to see at my wedding and conversely who would take the greater genuine joy in attending my wedding?

OP - it seems very complex and your own relationships with family are not without difficulties. Perhaps the best thing is to genuinely wish your nephew the best for his new life.

LineysRunt · 12/01/2018 12:33

You're parents aren't going to go to the wedding now??

I honestly think you should all politely decline the whole day. It sounds like a Mike Leigh drama in waiting.