Excluded from nephew's wedding

[mumwhite]

Feeling really crap as I found out ( when the invite landed) that we've only been invited to the evening do of my only nephew's wedding. I know it's their day and they can do what they like but I feel really upset about it. They've had lots of opportunties to tell us before now. It's caused a whole rift, and my sister's blaming me. My mother on the other hand agrees with me.

Shit like this wouldn’t fly at a British-Indian wedding. Makes me so sad. Your nephew is weak Exactly

Why oh why does someone always claim that things that are not normal in their personal social circle "only happen on MN"

Do some people have such teeny tiny imaginations and such enormous egos that they think everyone in the world is just like them, and can't see that social norms for vast numbers of people are not identical?

Most people gravitate to and are surrounded by people with similar backgrounds to themselves, it's human nature to a large extrent. However even within one British city their will be populations of people with totally different views of acceptable / normal ways to celebrate life events, normal expectations of extended family relationships, attitudes towards education, TVs in bedrooms, playing out, and all the other topics which people regularly insist everyone "real" has identical attitudes to and "only on MN" does anyone not comply with the OP's world view...

mumwhite

Sorry if this has been said before, I haven't read the full thread only skimmed. But if you don't approve of them after her affair, and they have obviously got over it, have you said something to your mum for example and it's got back to them.

Therefore they don't want to invite you to the wedding but are including you via the evening do?

If I knew a member of my family did not approve of my relationship and dp, I would not be inviting them to my wedding.

And what exactly was the 'rift' you mentioned?

But sorry you are feelings left out, no one likes to be in that position, but I think you need to look at your actions and what may have caused this issue.

All of this really depends on the dynamics of the family. There isn't enough information to gauge it properly.

Well, I didn't invite any of my aunts because one lived in Australia (still does, actually), and one on my mother's side is a complete stirring bitch. My DMum was shocked and horrified about that (she spent my childhood being happy to throw me, my siblings and my father to the wolves if it meant keeping her arsehole sister and BIL happy and 'keeping up appearances')and for the first time ever I put my foot down and said 'No'. (Did not stop my mother 'inviting said aunt and her arsehole husband to the airport to 'wave goodbye/drink' as a 'surprise' for me though. Th shit really hit the fan then I can tell you).

The OP is not close to her nephew; her mother is clearly shit stirring by passing on things between the OP and the OPs sister and the B&G really can invite anyone they want. Plus I still maintain the evening do is definitely the best bit and the OP gets to miss out on the boring stuff. I'd be thrilled, personally.

OP if you live in Australia it's only manners to send a full invite given it's less likely you attend. An evening invite is a clear 'Fuck You!'

Derxa did you just agree with yourself? Awesome

Yes they are. At least that’s what the Priest/vicar/registrar have said at most weddings I have been to

I don't care what your priests say, weddings are about joining two people in a legal relationship. Nothing at all to do with their families.

I did not read it as the OPlives in Australia, but that another aunt does, but that may be me misreading it.

Anyway- OP- don't overthink it. Be gracious and have a good time. (If you do want to go that is).

user - I bet you've had a lovely life without such petty nuisances sticking their oar in at every point!

People who would treat you like that over an invite never seem to realise that they are displaying exactly the sort of behaviour that puts friends over family.

The bride might not like you, but i'm assuming your nephew has a good relationship with you and it's his wedding too so he should have spoken up and invited you

He should invite someone who loathes his bride and thinks shes not good enough for him?
What planet are some of you on? You wouldn't be inviting OP if this was your wedding!

The DM (op's mum, nephew's grandmother) shit stirring is actually a very good point - given OP by her own admission doesn't see her nephew and his girlfriend much, how on earth does she know all the juicy details about his girlfriend sleeping with his friend? Someone is rumour mongering and shit stirring...

Imo the aunt in Australia has a courtesy invite, nobody will be expecting her to spend thousands of dollars to attend.

Anyway- you know what it is like at weddings, all these families get caught up in competing interests and 'you have to do it like this or this'. You ALWAYS end up upsetting someone, often inadvertently. DH invited one of his cousin's to the recpetion but not the registry office, because he had not seen her for 10 years and the registry office had a limit on numbers. Shit hit the fan then too, with DHs mother making anguished appeals and whatnot. It's so tiring. There may be other pressures at play that the OP is not aware of.

Get over it.

You’re not close and you know it, that’s why you’re not answering questions. Be happy you got our token invite, I’m not sure I’ll be inviting some family members who I only see maybe once a year.

And stop making the bride out to be some giant family ruining bitch, she’s planning her wedding, other people could’ve said ‘that’s too expensive’ but they didn’t so I imagine it’s under control.

I'm Australian (lived in the (UK) for almost 11 years) and will never understand the whole 'evening invite' thing. My English dH and I had a smaller wedding in Oz and invited everyone to the entire day. In my mind an evening invite says you're a second class friend/acquaintance.

Get over yourself just because your related doesn't give you priority if you don't have a relationship small family or not.

Imagine if they had told you face to face at Christmas would you have actually accepted it then? Doubtful you'd have just made a fuss and ruined xmas

Derxa did you just agree with yourself? Awesome I generally do agree with myself. It's called having an opinion. I think you're awesome too.

Mumsnet is so weird. Usually evening invites are viewed as rude and gift-grabby attempts to two-tier the wedding. But here apparently they are totally acceptable.

In my world evening invites are for work colleagues and acquaintances that live close to the venue. Not for close family and definitely not for someone that you've already sent a "save the date" to which implies that you'd be there for the day rather than the evening oh and especially not for someone who has travelled across the world to attend the wedding. Yes I'm sure she can make a jolly old day of it, but if she got the save the date and booked her flights I'd be might pissed off to not even warrant an invite to see the nuptials.

OP perhaps you can set up an alternative day time event for those relatives not deemed close enough to have a paid dinner but regarded as close enough to get a save the date and buy flights on that basis that will certainly annoy the B2B !

Oh I definitely agree with myself too. I rarely agree with DH though.

I'm lost though.

You don't sound like you like these people, you don't see them very much, so why are you so upset by this? There must be something we are missing?

Because my family isn't that big, but when my brother got married he did it abroad with our younger brother and some friends and we saw the photos and it looked lovely and the only thing I cared about in the world was that he was 100% happy.

Literally. I wasn't even a tiny bit miffed at all. Maybe that my brother got a holiday, the little sod, but brother and his wife were just happy. Much happier than if they had had a family do over here.

Mumsnet is so weird. Usually evening invites are viewed as rude and gift-grabby attempts to two-tier the wedding. But here apparently they are totally acceptable

Yes, it's almost as if different people post on various posts and have different thoughts to each other!

But how close can they be if they rarely see each other and the B&G know that the OP detests the bride? (They must know- clearly there is alot of chit chat flying around that family if th OP knows all about the affairs and so on, and the G's mother in turn knows the OP is annoyed about not being invited to the whole thing).

It all sounds a bit toxic, and I feel sorry for the B&G with all this chat and expectation upon them.

You’re not close. Go to the evening do or don’t. I’m sure neither your nephew nor his bride will much care. I’m from a small family, relatively close and I can’t tell you how little I care about my aunts opinion on my relationship. I imagine your nephew feels much the same.

Evening invites are becoming more normal. I had evening only guests at my wedding. In part because it was on a weekday and it seemed to make more sense to do that than expect people to take annual leave.

I would move heaven and earth to go to that evening do. I would go and smile and pretend to have a good time. People might ask me why I wasn't at the reception and would look a bit non-plussed but not elaborate.