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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Excluded from nephew's wedding

287 replies

mumwhite · 12/01/2018 09:15

Feeling really crap as I found out ( when the invite landed) that we've only been invited to the evening do of my only nephew's wedding. I know it's their day and they can do what they like but I feel really upset about it. They've had lots of opportunties to tell us before now. It's caused a whole rift, and my sister's blaming me. My mother on the other hand agrees with me.

OP posts:
Bumsnetnetbums · 12/01/2018 10:32

Exactly slash. So why not the proper wedding then?

derxa · 12/01/2018 10:32

Weddings these days seem more narcissistic and all about the bride rather than celebrating the beginning of a marriage. I find it all rather sad. I agree. I think we come from the same era, Lonicera. All this emphasis on things being and looking 'perfect'. It's all a bit trashy if I'm honest.

Hogtini · 12/01/2018 10:33

If you don't agree with the marriage then why do you want to go anyway? Surely that would make you a hypocrite to sit through the ceremony? Perhaps this is their reasoning?

slashlover · 12/01/2018 10:33

I agree. We invited all of my aunts and uncles (and all of OH’s aunts and uncles), and had one bridesmaid. I don’t understand why so many weddings these days have to have so many bridesmaids. I expect it is probably all to do with photos and social media which IMO, is the wrong reason.

You realise that people can't always afford to invite everyone, also why is it better to invite family you might see once per year over friends you see 2 or 3 times per week?

JaneyEJones · 12/01/2018 10:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Yvest · 12/01/2018 10:35

I totally agree with you. I would be absolutely devastated not to be invited to a niece or nephews wedding, to the whole thing. I think your nephew should be extremely embarrassed. It’s only on MN where this would be accepted as normal and ok.

lurkingnotlurking · 12/01/2018 10:36

We didn't invite all of our aunts and uncles. A few were not invited because they had no real connection with our lives and we also knew it would be too far to travel. Plenty of cousins weren't invited too as they had no connections with our lives. We are a bit of an odd family though in the sense that my parents and their siblings didn't seem to emphasise bringing us all together much

myrtleWilson · 12/01/2018 10:36

My wedding invitation list was not dictated by any need for things to look perfect, nor any narcissism on my behalf (nor indeed on my husband's). Not inviting all branches of a family does not equate to an Instagram wedding.

Arkangel · 12/01/2018 10:38

Do people feel this emotionally about someone else's wedding day? This is why my wedding will be family free.

Sounds like your nephew either doesn't like you or maybe can't afford to feed you.

Ergo bridesmaids, they are probably the brides closest friends that are her non related family. The fact that you're so snarky about that suggests maybe your attitude to her is maybe a reason you're only going to the evening.

Also, you've been invited to a part of the wedding. Why are you miffed that you don't have to stand in a cold church in boredom for half an hour?
I HATE being invited to that bit. I just want the buffet and the wine.

EggsMilkandFlourPancakePower · 12/01/2018 10:40

If it happened to me, It would hurt my feelings too, enough to mention it to my mum, privately. It would probably occupy my thoughts every now and then as a piss off and I would wonder how they perceived me. I don't think YABU to have feelings about it. I wouldn't go if it was too far and I wouldn't send a gift because I hadn't gone, maybe a card.

Littlechocola · 12/01/2018 10:44

It isn’t about you though. Being related doesn’t automatically mean you get invited. Offer to pay for yourselves and see if you get an invite? Some weddings are really expensive per head.

This is why we’re running away. Stop being a drama queen.

Emma71992 · 12/01/2018 10:45

I can see why you're upset but it's entirely possible that your dislike for the bride is more known that you release. I got married recently and DH's only uncle and family were invited to the full day and booked a holiday knowing full well the date as had been sent save the dates. Maybe they thought you wouldn't want to be there?

Rebeccatheold · 12/01/2018 10:45

This is basically the adult version of ‘My DC has been “excluded” from a birthday party’ isn’t it. You sound like really hard work OP and I expect that’s why they don’t really want you there.

JaneyEJones · 12/01/2018 10:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maddnessintheroost · 12/01/2018 10:47

As an aside if its a church wedding no one can stop the OP going to the venue and sitting in (not saying she should) its a public place and anyone can attend for any service.

I had one religious friend who was coming to the evening do (set numbers during the day and more people could make the evening) who asked to sit in the service - more than welcome

lalalalyra · 12/01/2018 10:48

How many Aunts & Uncles does the bride have and have they all been invited?

Sometimes people draw a line because there's too many. My PIL both come from big families (10+ each) so Aunts & Uncles being evening only guests is common in their family, and cousins are never invited all day because there's fucking millions of them.

Ragwort · 12/01/2018 10:48

You don't like the bride and you feel your nephew could 'do better' so why do even want to go to the wedding?

Are you feeling miffed because you think it is the correct thing to invite aunts to weddings?

Perhaps examine your feelings as to whether you really WANT to be at your nephew's wedding or if you feel you OUGHT to be invited.

If you don't want your nephew to marry this woman then surely you don't need to be at the wedding or evening reception Confused. Just decline politely.

I rarely see one of my nephews, I have no opinion whatsoever about his GF (never met her) I really hope I wouldn't be invited to their wedding, I have no wish to go.

theymademejoin · 12/01/2018 10:54

My cousin did something similar and it did cause some upset. He had a huge wedding (250-300 guests, free bar all night etc). He invited my sister and her partner but not me. He also invited my sister's adult daughter (my niece) on her own invite. Other than his cousins on his mother's side that they are NC with, we are his only cousins so two more invites (me and dh) would have covered us all. They invited multiple cousins from her side.

My mother was very hurt by this (I was delighted as I didn't particularly want to go - I was very busy around the time of the wedding) as she is very close to her brother, the groom's father, and has been very good to my cousin over the years, helping him out in lots of ways. It was the fact that it was not consistent that bothered her. She would have had no problem if none of us were invited.

Anyway, it came back to bite my cousin in the end as loads of people at the wedding were asking where I was and were apparently quite shocked that I wasn't invited. My cousin is very concerned about what people think of him so he wasn't happy about that. Most people asked my sister, niece or mother where I was but apparently a couple of people asked him too.

None of us said anything to my cousin or uncle but my mother will not be so quick to help my cousin out in the future as she feels quite hurt by it still.

PinkyBlunder · 12/01/2018 10:55

Similar situation at our wedding. The best advice I can offer you OP is its not about you. Get over it and yourself if you want to attend something that’s all about you where you can feel validated and entitled, throw your own party with your own money.

As for the Aunt from Australia, it’s up to her whether she attends or not, maybe she’s a nice person and actually wants to go to lengths and attend the evening whilst having a bit of a holiday whilst she’s at it. Again, nothing to do with you, don’t think for one minute you can guess how other people feel and what they think.

You clearly have issues with the bride and the wedding. Carry on and with your attitude and it won’t be just some of the wedding you’ll be excluded from but to be honest if I were the bride and groom I’d be relieved to cut you out. You sound nasty.

BobsyourAunt · 12/01/2018 10:56

Not sure why the op is getting so much shit.

SHe hasn't done anything but tell her mother she isn't invited to the wedding. It's hardly a fucking secret is it.

If her nephew's girlfriend shagged his friend and it's public knowledge I suspect none of his friends or family are keen on her. Not being keen on her doesn't make the OP "horrible" as another poster called her. Hmm

We can only judge threads by what the OP says and she wasn't drip feeding..she just didn't do anything to upset anyone so nothing to say in the OP.

OP YANBU to feel upset, but also you would be unreasonable to complain to anyone. Just don't go. I'd probably send a small gift to show no ill will and not make life hard.

slashlover · 12/01/2018 11:04

Exactly slash. So why not the proper wedding then?

I don't see your point - full day is ceremony, dinner then evening do. Evening do excludes the sit down meal, maybe includes a buffet.

Friedgreen · 12/01/2018 11:06

Shit like this wouldn’t fly at a British-Indian wedding. Makes me so sad. Your nephew is weak

peachgreen · 12/01/2018 11:07

I agree with @lookingforthecorkscrew. I only wanted people at my wedding who knew and loved me and my husband deeply, and who I knew would only be thinking and wanting positive things for us. The ceremony meant a great deal to us and it was important it was full of love.

Like your nephew, we'd been through difficult times on our journey to marriage (not an affair, but a complicated situation when we first got together) and it was very obvious who amongst our friends and family would have been judging us silently on the day. They're perfectly entitled to do so, and equally we were perfectly entitled to not have them at our wedding. So quite a few aunts and uncles weren't invited to the day. I suspect that's what's happened here. You sound pretty awful and judgey about their relationship, tbh, and I wouldn't want you there either.

letsdolunch321 · 12/01/2018 11:08

As you mentioned the wedding is small down to cost, I understand you are only a small family but you received an evening invite. This probably was not mentioned when you met at Xmas due to the impact it would have had.

Be the bigger person, accept the invite with good grace go along and enjoy yourselves.

Re the 6 bridemaids I can understand her having these girls as they are her close friends where as you are family who see each other less often.

Not attending is cutting your nose off to spite your face - you will only sit at home wondering how it is all going.

user1491678180 · 12/01/2018 11:09

Oooooh, there are 2 things guaranteed to cause a rift in a family. Funerals.......and WEDDINGS!

Me and my husband got married in the early 1990's, and we both had fairly poor and quite infirm parents with no money or savings. So we had to fund our wedding ourselves. We paid for everything; the ceremony, the reception and meals, (pub lunch,) the rings, the flowers, the bridal dress and suit, the photographer, the wedding rings, and the honeymoon (a weekend in the Cotswolds.). Won't go into how much each thing cost, but the whole lot cost less than £700.

We could only afford a very small wedding, and excluding parents and siblings, I had about 26 extended family members (cousins, aunts, uncles etc...) And DH had about 12-13.

So we decided to keep it down to DH's nan, (his grandfather has passed by then,) and my grandad, (my nan has passed by then,) my folks, his folks, both brothers and their girlfriends, 5 mutual friends and their partners, and his BFF and my BFF and their partners. Around 24 people in total. No-one else.

After that, around half of my extended family stopped talking to me, and I was regaled - EVERY TIME I went to my parents house, with a tale of how 'upset and devastated and hurt' my auntie Barbara was at being left out of the wedding, and how 'angry and furious' my cousin Lyn was. And my mother asked me at least once a month why I didn't invite 'my own family!' Hmm

Despite being told many times, (by me and DH,) she seemed to totally ignore the fact that inviting them all would have ended up costing us more than double, with 60-70 odd people at the meal, and the bigger room at the register office.

I told my mother that my 3 female cousins close in age to me (who got married 2, 3, and 5 years before me,) had their weddings PAID for by their parents, like the whole kit and caboodle; the dress, the flowers, the reception, the photographer, the honeymoon - EVERYthing, and we had to do it ourselves, so they had no right to judge, and demand that they are all invited.

As i said, about half of my 2 dozen or so extended family members that weren't invited to my wedding stopped speaking to me and DH - although his 12 or so extended family who were not invited seemed to be OK with it, it was just mine who kicked off!

After all this, me and DH were not invited to ANYthing that my extended family had. Christenings, 40th birthday parties, weddings, Christmas parties, 21st birthday parties, you name it; everyone was invited except us. This was despite us inviting them to various parties and get-togethers afterwards. We had out first-born Christened, and invited all 25-26 of them (because of the shit we got for not inviting them to our wedding,) and only 5 or 6 came.

Even 10 years later, half of them still had a stick up their arse and were still ignoring me and DH, and our kids too. And even the rest of them rarely bothered with us as they sort of 'sided' with the rest.. We moved out of the area not long after (about 40 miles away,) some 10-12 years back, and have no contact with any of them now, except my brother and his wife and their 3 kids who moved away too and only live 20 miles from us. He sees them occasionally, but we never discuss them when we meet up 3 or 4 times a year. (Both sets of our parents, and our grandparents have all passed now by the way.........)

All this, from not inviting them to my wedding Pathetic eh?

I did hear though that the one half of my extended family don't speak to the other now though, after a big massive row over some borrowed money, and they have massive arguments on facebook at least once or twice a month!

LOL, I am better off out of it, and I don't need them anyway, as I have my husband and kids, and his family. (As well as the families of my adult childrens partners!)

I did used to be hurt at being 'pushed out' of the extended family, but this past 6-7 years I have not given a shit, as I realised they are all a bunch of mindless chavs who brought nothing to my life anyway.

But yeah @mumwhite PLEASE don't hold a grudge against your nephew; he and his bride to be, probably just need to keep the numbers down. My extended family made me feel like shit for YEARS for not inviting them to my wedding. Please don't do that to your nephew.

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