AIBU about PIL visits(87 Posts)
Sorry about the long post, but i think a bit of background is needed. I have a 12 week of ds. My dp is French and his parents live in France (they are divorced). When ds was born MIL came over to help out, I had an emergency C-section and i was in a lot of pain for the first 4 weeks. My relationship with her was quite nice before i got pregnant, but since i got pregnant she became very obsessive and wanted to know all the details which i found very intrusive. She also suffers from anxiety, is very insecure about herself and very awkward socially eg would not even talk during dinner/mealtimes etc. She stayed for the first 7 weeks with us after ds was born, during this time i felt really undermined and judged by her eg each time baby was crying she made me feel it was my fault by making lot of snide remarks, eventually it led to a big outburst towards the end of her stay. So our relationship is very poor at the moment and I feel extremely disturbed about the little outburst we had. My relationship with my FIL is much better he is pretty relaxed and easygoing i enjoy spending time with him, however he is also very obsessive about our ds. I understand they want to be part of our ds life as he is their first grandchild and since my dp is an only child there is additional pressure/obsessiveness.
I am from a different culture too and my parents live abroad too. They have not visited us so far and are not planning to visit us anytime soon due to personal reasons.
The reason i am posting is that my dp would like his parents to visit us every month and stay with us over a long weekend, since they are divorced they would visit separately, so we will one person coming at a time each month. I do not like this arrangement 1) because of the episode i had with my MIL i still quite disturbed and upset with her i cannot imagine seeing her anytime soon but i dont want dp to be sad so i am ready to compromise 2) i really find my PILs presence overbearing i feel suffocated by there presence as they do not respect my presence, ever since ds is born they just completely ignore my presence and just want to spend time with ds 3)I would not mind having them more around but since ds was born they have become extremely obsessive about him and i find it quite unhealthy and intrusive.
So i suggested my dp that they can visit us for a long weekend a month at a time and then give 2 months break in between were none of them visit us. AIBU to ask this?
Every month! I don't have issues with my PILs but having them to stay every few weeks for several days would be way too much.
If it's one weekend a month each then that's 50% of your weekends with PiL. That's just too much.
Have you talked to your dh about his mother's behaviour?
That's a lot of your time taken up with guests when you might want your weekends for relaxing/seeing friends etc. Especially given you currently have a strained relationship with the MIL. YANBU.
Also, if it's a long weekend would it be you doing the entertaining on a Friday/Monday? No thanks.
Perhaps when your child is older your partner can take them to France to see his parents on his own.
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ollieplimsoles I have talked to him about it, quite a few times actually, he is quite defensive about her behaviour overall, although he does admits that she can be a bit difficult. But even after the big episode between my MIL and I he sort of supported her. Just today in the morning he asked me if she can visit this month.
His argument is that baby is changing so fast and he would like his parents to share all these moments as much as possible. I would in general would have been quite happy about it if they were giving me some breathing space.
Yanbu. I would hate the constant intrusion. French people can be overbearing and controlling and don't understand the British subtleties and cues - expecting to do things together. They also have a more hierarchial parent/child relationship in a lot of cases. And the sons - oh very important. DH is French - so I speak from experience and some of the rituals drive me insane.
The expectation here is excessive. Your DH is very very unreasonable to expect you to give up 2 weekends a month to his parents and presumably their partners. One weekend a month and they take turns MAYBE but even that's a bit much especially to have to host. Who hosts weekend guests every month?? Never mind twice?
"The reason i am posting is that my dp would like his parents to visit us every month and stay with us over a long weekend, "
Your son is 12wks & your MIL has visited fer 7 of those weeks???!!
I don't see how you could ever be considered unreasonable after that!
Even if they were together & I got on with them I think that I would find one long weekend a month more than enough.
He's not thinking straight at all!
Does he not want time just the three of you?
YANBU at all with your suggestion.
It's difficult when you live away but you can't live your life for your parents.
YANBU. Not. At. All. You have a right to peace and privacy in your own home, to not feel uncomfortable and undermined in your parenting, not to have to juggle the extra food/laundry/work that comes with hosting - even having guests you really like round is exhausting and you're adapting to a lot right now. And as someone has said, this is 50% of your weekends! That's less "guests" and more a part-lime living arrangement!! I think DP is being pretty selfish here, to be honest. Sorry you're going through this stress just now.
Jesus. I don't see my PILs that often and they live 60miles away. Just say no.
Thanks a lot for all your replies made me realise i am not being too selfish. I just dont know how to make my dp understand my point of view without offending him or making him sad. Because he was very sad after this mornings discussion as his parents will be missing out on our ds development because of me.
If the PILS are to come at all, there need to be some changes. They are to treat you with respect as the mother of their grandchild and not ignore you. They must not undermine you either, DS is not a doll to be monopolised and obsessed over. They do not have the right to ask intrusive questions and expect you to answer them, how would MIL feel if you suddenly came out with "I've noticed that you are so obsessive over DS, why is that?" I think your DP could be a lot more supportive of you, ask him to imagine your parents arriving and barely acknowledging his presence, staying for 7 weeks and upsetting him?
Frankly, MIL stayed far too long and it's no wonder you were stressed. So perhaps FIL could come for the next visit/week-end first, and see how you go from there. I think that every other month would be more than enough.
Could you go with 'if they behave themselves and don't do X and Y then maybe once every 6 weeks'.
Visits max 3 times a year for each parent would be much more reasonable. That's still visitors every 2 months. I would have retorted back that : You and your DH are not responsible for them being divorced and should not have to suffer double visits. I can see you want to be there to witness these changes just the 3 of you and have time to bond. What he said came straight out of his parents mouth and it sounds like you're going to be made to sound unreasonable. I would really object to the intrusion and not want to have the baby constantly with grandparents and taken away from me. What about having time to bond as a little nuclear family? What if you want friends or other family to visit? What about if you want to visit friends or go on holiday - somewhere other than France? Where do your parents come in in all this op?
his parents will be missing out on our ds development because of me.
No - not because of you! If he wanted his parents to be that involved he would be living in the same country and married a local.
Sorry all i think my message was a bit unclear, he would like his parents once a month, ie mother/father only one person per month not both of them every month which is still 25% of our weekends. Plus dp works long hours and we dont get to spend too much time together. So weekend is our time to catch up.
"as his parents will be missing out on our ds development because of me."
How the buggery fuck does he figure that out?
Your suggestion is fine. Tell you DH that MIL being around far too much the last time was what led to the outburst with his mum and that you'd prefer things to be much more relaxed from now on. You have learned from the previous experience of someone being around too much.
Remind him that you haven't seen your parents AT ALL and it is downright selfish of him to insist on so much visiting from the in-laws.
Your DH is being ridiculous, that is far too much.
One weekend visit a month is very generous for the first year. He can decide to give that weekend to his mum every time or take it in turns for them to visit.
That's a lot to ask when your parents still haven't met your DC.
Could there be a compromise about his parents staying in hotels when they visit?
"his parents will be missing out on our ds development because of me."
Ah! To me this is the crux of your misunderstandings with him. He seems to think they they're entitled to be there, and you're sending them away. But it's not his parent's child. It's YOUR child. So maybe you're not keeping them away when they're not there, you're letting them join in when they are there .. if that makes any sense? (And one more eloquent want to re-word that?!) They're not 'missing out' because they don't* have a automatic right to be there the whole time!
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