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Original poster

would you believe this was a genuine misunderstanding? (Triggering)

148 replies

Ribbitribbit001 · 10/01/2018 01:41

Namechanged because I want to keep my anonymity as much as possible.

I've been debating whether or not to post this because I don't know how I feel yet. I've been numb since it happened and don't really know where to go from here. I might be overreacting but here we go.

TMI so I apologise in advance

I have been seeing DP for just over a year. He's generally been really sweet, cares about me a lot and is very protective. We were together last night and he kept trying to have anal sex without asking. He was using his fingers at first and I told him to stop and he did. Then we were about to have sex and he tried to go there again. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and said that he was at the wrong bit Hmm He just went 'mhm' and tried it again. It wasn't gentle at all so I screamed and jumped away at this point and told him to leave me alone.

He kept asking if we could try again but the trust was gone at this point. He's been apologising all day and said it was a misunderstanding and that I was overreacting by being upset about it.

I don't know where to go from here because I know I feel terrified about being in a vulnerable position with him again.

I might be totally overreacting I don't know

Be kind please Flowers I can't sleep and can't think straight

OP posts:
Theshipsong · 10/01/2018 01:43

I would break up with him. You asked him to stop and he persisted. I would not want to sleep with him again and I would not trust him again. No means no. I am sorry this happened to you. x

DriggleDraggle · 10/01/2018 01:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

halfwitpicker · 10/01/2018 01:52

Finish him.

He's a wrong un, basically.

halfwitpicker · 10/01/2018 01:53

Do you live together?

AssassinatedBeauty · 10/01/2018 01:53

It's not a misunderstanding, you were very clear and he continued anyway. Now he's minimising and trying to claim that you're overreacting. You're not overreacting.

It would be the end of the relationship for me.

Battleax · 10/01/2018 01:54

That's not a misunderstanding.

justilou1 · 10/01/2018 01:55

How hard is it to understand "NO!"???

Elllicam · 10/01/2018 01:57

Once is a misunderstanding. 3 times is not.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 10/01/2018 02:00

No I wouldn't call that a misunderstanding. You made it clear you didn't want anal sex, you told him to stop, then he tried again. And then again. You were clear from the off and he saw nothing wrong with trying over and over in the hope you'd just give in to what he wanted. You had to scream and jump away and he still wanted to try again ffs.

There's no misunderstanding here, he doesn't have any issues pressuring you to do something sexual that you do not want to do and his sexual desires come before any respect for your body and your boundaries. Sadly, he probably doesn't even realise that this is what he's demonstrating to you because a lot of men seem to see this as "well it was worth a try". You're not overreacting and imo you should listen to that gut instinct that's telling you not to allow yourself to be vulnerable with him again.

IndigoMoonFlower · 10/01/2018 02:01

Sorry you're going through this OP. I think his "brain" was getting carried away and he was wrong to force himself on you. I think you both need to talk face to face because this is obviously something he wants to do very much. If he doesn't feel sorry for forcing you and doesn't accept it, then he doesn't respect you. Flowers

Christmascardqueen · 10/01/2018 02:01

Just sit down with him and make it abundantly clear, your rectal area is a no go zone. If he insists on rectal stimulation or more you are not the right long term partner for him.

Italiangreyhound · 10/01/2018 02:07

OP I am so sorry. He sounds like a man not to be trusted so when you say "He kept asking if we could try again but the trust was gone at this point." I can totally understand.

"He's been apologising all day and said it was a misunderstanding and that I was overreacting by being upset about it."

So he has apologized but thinks it is a misunderstanding, I don't think it is, he tried three times.

Also he is gas lighting you and pretending you are overreacting.

"I don't know where to go from here because I know I feel terrified about being in a vulnerable position with him again."

If you feel terrified about being vulnerable again then don't put yourself in that position with him.

I wonder if your partner would like you to try and do that to him, with something, and whether he would feel it was a misunderstanding when you did not want it.

I am sorry but he does not sound trustworthy.

Cracker09jacker · 10/01/2018 02:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Italiangreyhound · 10/01/2018 02:09

I mean if you tried to do something like that to him (with an object) would he think "a misunderstanding when he did not want it.

dinosaurkisses · 10/01/2018 02:11

Absolutely not a misunderstanding. I'm so sorry OP.

Think if the roles were reversed OP- you were into something, he said "No." clearly and just once.

Would you try it again afterwards knowing he'd just said no? I'm pretty sure you wouldn't.

So why would you hold him to a lower standard?

Haveyoutriedturningitoffandon · 10/01/2018 02:26

Would it be a misunderstanding if you tried, multiple times, to forcibly insert an object in his anus despite him saying no? No. It wouldn’t. And it wasn’t when he tried to do it to you.
Leave him Flowers

captainjackandjill · 10/01/2018 02:37

I'm sorry OPSad. Years ago I received a piece of advice that has stayed with me... Think of a friend (or daughter or sister) that you feel protective of, now imagine her coming to you with this story. What would be your honest to goodness response.
Wishing you the safety and happiness you deserveFlowers.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 10/01/2018 02:38

No it wasn't a misunderstanding. Which part of the word " No" does he find so difficult.
This was assault.

Pannacott · 10/01/2018 02:41

The fact he's said you're overreacting is disgusting. He's trying to redefine and rewrite your own experience.

Don't feel at all guilty about breaking up with him. He hurt you and doesn't care about it. He can't be trusted. You don't need to justify it, you don't need him to understand or agree with you.

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/01/2018 02:49

Misunderstanding my arse. He meant to do something sexual to you knowing you didn't want to. Forcefully at the end. He's sexually assaulting you AND expects you not to be upset about it.

Really think about why you would stay with him. When he wants to sexually assault you.

redjoker · 10/01/2018 02:51

This exact situation has happened to me with a semi serious partner as a teenager. Back then I brushed it off as he made me feel like crap about it but I didn't ever see him again as was too scared to! 10 or so years ahead I know now it was pretty much verging on assultI. I'd class ur situation as the same. He knew what he was doing. Don't let him make you feel bad about the situation.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/01/2018 03:14

Big no-no.

A mistake means an apology and no further attempt to penetrate you where you didn't want to be penetrated.

An attempt to penetrate you where you didn't want to be constitutes assault, or attempted anal rape.

Get rid of him.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/01/2018 03:16

And if it wasn't clear enough, him saying that you are over-reacting and his minimising of the situation means you can NOT trust him - he WILL try it again.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 10/01/2018 03:24

This was NOT a misunderstanding.
He will probably tell you, that because he loves you so much, he wants to explore every part of you. Very protective (overly) men, are often controlling,
Get out now !

notangelinajolie · 10/01/2018 03:25

So sorry OP Flowers He knew exactly what he was doing. You need to end this now - if anal is something he wants then I am absolutely certain he will try again. Don't let him do this to you - you reacted in the way you did because you find it repulsive. Please walk away - before he forces this on you.

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