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AIBU?

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Original poster

would you believe this was a genuine misunderstanding? (Triggering)

148 replies

Ribbitribbit001 · 10/01/2018 01:41

Namechanged because I want to keep my anonymity as much as possible.

I've been debating whether or not to post this because I don't know how I feel yet. I've been numb since it happened and don't really know where to go from here. I might be overreacting but here we go.

TMI so I apologise in advance

I have been seeing DP for just over a year. He's generally been really sweet, cares about me a lot and is very protective. We were together last night and he kept trying to have anal sex without asking. He was using his fingers at first and I told him to stop and he did. Then we were about to have sex and he tried to go there again. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and said that he was at the wrong bit Hmm He just went 'mhm' and tried it again. It wasn't gentle at all so I screamed and jumped away at this point and told him to leave me alone.

He kept asking if we could try again but the trust was gone at this point. He's been apologising all day and said it was a misunderstanding and that I was overreacting by being upset about it.

I don't know where to go from here because I know I feel terrified about being in a vulnerable position with him again.

I might be totally overreacting I don't know

Be kind please Flowers I can't sleep and can't think straight

OP posts:
Sugarpiehoneyeye · 10/01/2018 10:24

How are you @ Ribbitribbit001🌺

bobstersmum · 10/01/2018 10:34

Sorry you were put in this position by someone you trusted!
He obviously got carried away and thought to hell with your wishes, not good at all!
Personally can't understand the obsession from men with our bums, we crap out of them ffs
Op I hope you are ok

QuackPorridgeBacon · 10/01/2018 10:36

Insisting on trying something that you have already said no to, is not a misunderstanding. Honestly I’d consider leaving him if he can’t see that.

mirime · 10/01/2018 11:51

Get away from him. Seriously.

There was no misunderstanding and you are not over-reacting.

wildbuttercup · 10/01/2018 12:27

I dont necessarily think you need to ditch him over this at the moment.

Sit him down and explain that this is a really big deal to you. It's a dealbreaker. Tell him you cannot enjoy sex with him if you're worried he's going to try it again. You wouldn't be able to have sex if this is how he will behave. Make it clear this is important to you. Hopefully he will understand the gravity of the situation and change his mind. If he carries on after that then you may need to reconsider your relationship.

Idontdowindows · 10/01/2018 12:29

@Wildbuttercup he deliberately ignored her clearly stated no.

He tried to penetrate her during sex in a manner she had clearly indicated she did not want.

Yes she needs to ditch him. He cannot be trusted and he does not know what consent is!

If he does not NOW understand the gravity of the situation, he has issues regarding consent that endanger the OP!

pallisers · 10/01/2018 12:46

Sit him down and explain that this is a really big deal to you. It's a dealbreaker. Tell him you cannot enjoy sex with him if you're worried he's going to try it again. You wouldn't be able to have sex if this is how he will behave. Make it clear this is important to you. Hopefully he will understand the gravity of the situation and change his mind. If he carries on after that then you may need to reconsider your relationship.

If it is a dealbreaker then why isn't she dumping him? He tried to stick something into her anus without her consent - with her vigorous protests even. But she should stick around to see whether he understands that this isn't nice - risking being anally raped the next time. And what's with the if he tries to do it (it being sex without consent) again she MAY need to reconsider the relationship. With the greatest respect wildbuttercup you might want to think about your own boundaries or "shark cage" as someone talked about upthread.

OP, the assault is bad enough but his telling you that you are overreacting says even more about him. Also what you said about him being very protective would raise a red flag for me.

FartsMeanHearts · 10/01/2018 12:52

Grim

No way was it a misunderstanding Sad

Notreallyarsed · 10/01/2018 12:57

Hopefully he will understand the gravity of the situation and change his mind. If he carries on after that then you may need to reconsider your relationship

This wasn’t a complicated thing that he didn’t understand, it was a direct no 3 times and he disregarded what OP was telling him (refusing consent), he didn’t misunderstand, he chose not to listen to her and carried on anyway. What kind of man does that? A bad bastard, that’s what kind of man.

Willow2017 · 10/01/2018 12:59

Definately not a misunderstanding.
You told him No several times. He isnt a toddler he knows what "no" means but still tried to do it by force.
How dare he put his wants before your own autonomy over your own body?
I would be very wary of ever getting into a vulnerable position with him again.
The continual attempts to penetrate you anally is the first red flag.
The second is him minimising it and trying to turn it round as "a misunderdtsnding and you are being unreasonable" which means he really isnt sorry he hurt you and is not taking any responsibility for his actions. This means he can do it again as he 'didnt really do anything' in his eyes. Seriously worrying.

He should be able to comprehend that what you want matters and he has no right to force you to do anything you dont want to.
In a loving relationship a conversation about sexual fantasies and how would you feel if we tried......is fine. And respecting the fact that a person may agree to try something but if they dont like it then it stops. But this is not the same situation.

Notevilstepmother · 10/01/2018 13:07

Putting his fingers in without consent is sexual assault.

He then attempted to anally rape you. Not once but twice.

He knew you didn’t consent and he continued. Even after you were so upset you screamed he wanted to continue.

I don’t often say this, but LTB.

There was no misunderstanding, he isn’t kind and loving if he thinks it’s ok to try to rape you when you don’t want to do anal. It’s your body, he doesn’t have the right to behave like that. He is putting his own gratification above your feelings, to the point where you have to scream at him. What if next time you scream and he carries on? Then he will make you feel it was your fault and he thought you were enjoying it.

Get out of this relationship ASAP.

ToffeeUp · 10/01/2018 13:12

No there was no genuine misunderstanding, he understood, he knew, he continued
No you are not overreacting
And his apolgy means nothing, he doesn't think he did anything wrong.

Sorry this happened to you

LyraPotter · 10/01/2018 13:13

You are NOT overreacting. You told him what your boundaries are and he tried to cross them multiple times even after you asked him to stop. It's completely unacceptable and shows that he doesn't respect you or believe that your consent is important. If it were me I would break up with him - I know that sounds harsh but that is such a violation of trust.

BakedBeans47 · 10/01/2018 13:22

What everyone else, there was no “misunderstanding” and him saying you’re overreacting when he’s sexually assaulted you is vile. What an awful man.

LTB.

Quartz2208 · 10/01/2018 17:30

nope no misunderstanding and you did not overreact.

Also generally sweet and protective could read controlling

It sounds like he has tried to condition you into accepting it but you didnt

TheGirlWithAllTheFeathers · 10/01/2018 18:01

Unfortunately due to the increased media around porn now, anal is arousing all sorts of curiosity. It would be a firm no and leave my house from me.
I think you need to wonder whether to go back with him. If you can't have trust in the bedroom then there's really no point.

BarrackerBarmer · 10/01/2018 18:07

He anally raped you.
He knows you explicitly denied consent.
He is telling you you are overreacting to him raping you.

I'm sorry.

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 10/01/2018 18:13

Dump him. You can’t trust him after this. There is no sitting him down and gently explaining what he’s done wrong. He knows all too well what’s he’s bloody done he just doesn’t care because it’s not him who’s had someone try to force something into his body against his will.

Fluffyears · 10/01/2018 18:46

He tried to RAPE you. You seriously want to stay with a RAPIST? Think about those words. He is an abuser you said NO and you said it 3 times. There is nothing wrong with trying new things sexually however not if one partner says no. I have made it abundantly clear to DP that my arse is a one way system and he had never tried to have anal intercourse with me. Your partner should be the same.

elfycat · 10/01/2018 19:45

This happened to me years ago. I jumped out of bed and forcefully backhanded him across the face.

I then got dressed, went out for a walk to calm down, came home and reamed him out. The words rape and sexual assault were used.

There is no mistake, no accidental slip. This was him thinking he's allowed to get his jollies at the expense of yours. Him thinking that he has rights over the use of your body. The only way this cannot be a LTB moment is if he understands what went wrong, accepts his fault in this and never, ever tries anything remotely similar against your rights as a individual to have autonomy over your life and body.

Bastard!

WheresTheHooferDoofer · 10/01/2018 20:03

OP, I'm another voice saying get rid of this bloke, based on past experience.

He knows you said no, you said it more than once, but he wants anal so if you stay with him, he will try again, whether you want to or not.

CoraPirbright · 10/01/2018 20:05

Hope you’re ok OP. It’s a lot to process when you have been with someone for a year and believed them to be sweet and protective of you. Flowers

LemonadePockets · 10/01/2018 20:08

If you’ve been together a year he knows fine well where ‘the right bit’ is !

OlennasWimple · 10/01/2018 20:11
Flowers
NormaNameChange · 10/01/2018 20:16

No matter how sweet or caring someone is - no one has the right to violate your consent. Ever. It really is that simple. You said no to fingers - he stopped. Correct response. His later "mhmm" was an indication that he clearly knew what he was doing and yet he did it again.
He's saying YOU overreacted, and is trying to invalidate your feelings on the subject. He is bad news, you need to get rid honey. Im sorry.