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Original poster

would you believe this was a genuine misunderstanding? (Triggering)

148 replies

Ribbitribbit001 · 10/01/2018 01:41

Namechanged because I want to keep my anonymity as much as possible.

I've been debating whether or not to post this because I don't know how I feel yet. I've been numb since it happened and don't really know where to go from here. I might be overreacting but here we go.

TMI so I apologise in advance

I have been seeing DP for just over a year. He's generally been really sweet, cares about me a lot and is very protective. We were together last night and he kept trying to have anal sex without asking. He was using his fingers at first and I told him to stop and he did. Then we were about to have sex and he tried to go there again. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and said that he was at the wrong bit Hmm He just went 'mhm' and tried it again. It wasn't gentle at all so I screamed and jumped away at this point and told him to leave me alone.

He kept asking if we could try again but the trust was gone at this point. He's been apologising all day and said it was a misunderstanding and that I was overreacting by being upset about it.

I don't know where to go from here because I know I feel terrified about being in a vulnerable position with him again.

I might be totally overreacting I don't know

Be kind please Flowers I can't sleep and can't think straight

OP posts:
TheDowagerCuntess · 10/01/2018 03:27

There's only one type of person who persists with an act that the other person has made quite clear they do not want to do.

Are you familiar with the concept of the 'shark cage'. All the women posting on this thread to say it's not a misunderstanding have a strong shark cage.

Any one willing to give this man the benefit of the doubt at this point possibly has a weak shark cage. Overlooking this is green-lighting similar behaviour at the expense of what you know is wrong.

The trust is gone now.

lalalalyra · 10/01/2018 03:27

You told him no twice. His reaction to that was to try again so forcefully that it made you scream.

He's now trying to make out that you are over-reacting to him hurting you and forefully trying to penetrate you.

You are terrified of being alone with him.

You can't have a happy and healthy relationship with someone who hurts you. You can't have a happy and healthy relationship with someone who thinks you over-react when you are unhappy about him ignoring your wishes and hurting you. You can't have a happy and healthy relationship with someone you are terrified of being alone with. You certainly, certainly can't have a happy and healthy relationship with someone who ticks all three of those boxes...

Walk away. You deserve someone that respects you and your boundaries. You also deserve someone that doesn't frighten you.

e1y1 · 10/01/2018 03:27

He has been apologising all day because he knows he was wrong. It was NOT a misunderstanding.

Unicornsandrainbows3 · 10/01/2018 03:30

Not a misunderstanding in any way, shape or form. He assaulted you. I'm so sorry.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 10/01/2018 03:34

Sorry OP this has happened....

He assaulted you and is now trying to gaslight you and minimise is appalling (illegal) behaviour....

Think of it another way... If this happened outside, it wouldn't be difficult to show attempted rape/buggery...

lazyminimoo · 10/01/2018 03:40

Omg how can he say it was a misunderstanding, when he was told to stop it but kept trying it,,, no respect there,, you could forgive him an hope this wont happen again but it could happen again , i guess you love him an you dont want to leave him so you could give him one more chance but if he ever dose anything again leave him

huha · 10/01/2018 03:41

No means no.

Ecclesiastes · 10/01/2018 04:05

He's been softening you up for a year, testing your boundaries. Being 'generally' sweet. I'll bet my house he's a porn hound. What he wants is you to a) shut up, b) roll over whenever he wants and be fucked up the ass.

Get rid.

HipNewName · 10/01/2018 04:19

Not only is it a violation, but it is also a red flag waving widely for controlling and abusive behavior. My bet is that if you really looked at the relationship with fresh eyes, you'll find other red flags. For example, he's "protective." In what ways is he protective?

I believe you are in a Run For The Hills situation.

NeedsANap · 10/01/2018 04:39

How would he like it if you "accidentally" kept trying to sodomize him? Would he consider that a misunderstanding?

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 10/01/2018 04:42

Unless he doesn't speak the same language as you, no it's not a misunderstanding.
And frankly, even if you said No in Russian, it was quite obvious after the third attempt that you were not up for it.
So him continuing to ask for anal is not a misunderstanding, it's completely ignoring your boundaries

daisychain01 · 10/01/2018 05:03

OP, imagine if you carry the relationship with him forward, it will set a precedent because even though you've nipped this one in the bud now, he's likely to have the mindset of keep trying until he gets what he wants. By then you will be further invested and it will be more difficult to break free. He's shown you who he is, please listen and take action to protect yourself (difficult though it is).

After a year, he got you into a position of trust, and has broken that trust.

ethelfleda · 10/01/2018 05:04

I'm sorry to hear you went through this OP Flowers
I was in your position once and did nothing about it as I believed he was allowed to behave that way as he was my boyfriend (I was only 18 at the time) I always believed that I was doing something wrong to deny a partner sex as just labelling myself his 'girlfriend' was almost like giving blanket consent. I don't believe that now but it did leave me with an unhealthy attitude towards sex for a long time. Take the control back and end the relationship. You deserve better

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 10/01/2018 05:06

My ex used to do this, to the point that I was afraid to go to bed with him.

Sometimes I used to give in. He was very sloppy and I got a couple of nasty infections.

He was from a different country and used to manipulate me by saying that all the women in his country did it, and would find me strange for not wanting to. (And they say women are manipulative!). I felt so browbeaten until one day I opened up to a friend of mine who was from the same country. She shook her head and said he’d been having me on.

I was so angry that was the beginning of the end for me. Manipulative bastard.

MillennialFalcon · 10/01/2018 05:27

I think in your heart you already know the answer. There is no future with someone who you are terrified to be intimate with. He was so forceful that you screamed and he is now undermining your feelings by saying you are overreacting, that isn't a misunderstanding, his behaviour is manipulative and deliberate. Everything you mentioned in your OP screamed run to me and I think the only reason you can't see that is because he is making you question yourself.

sashh · 10/01/2018 05:48

Not a mistake or a misunderstanding. Get rid ASAP.

tiddlyipom · 10/01/2018 05:54

I think you know the answer to your question, OP.
This man has attempted to analy rape you he has sexually assaulted you, you are terrified to be in a vulnerable position with him again.
Well, if you stay, you will be vulnerable and terrified every night you spend together- that's no way to live, your partner should never make you feel unsafe or anxious about what they might to to you or when they might do it.
Please keep yourself safe and away from this man, he is not sorry, it was not a misunderstanding, it was a sexual assault and he hurt you.

BertieBotts · 10/01/2018 06:06

He has disrespected your boundaries. IME people either respect boundaries absolutely, or they don't. Which means that next time you say no to something which doesn't suit him, he'll push for that as well. I wonder if it's happened before, over something less obvious, like food choices? And you hadn't noticed because it just seemed like a normal couple thing. It's not, it's a serious red flag.

Shoxfordian · 10/01/2018 06:20

Its not a misunderstanding; he ignored what you said and kept trying to coerce you into anal sex. Its completely unacceptable behaviour. I think you should break up with him over this.

tillytown · 10/01/2018 06:21

Leave him.

Justanothernameonthepage · 10/01/2018 06:26

Not a misunderstanding. You said No. He decided that your No didn't matter.
He decided rather than talk to you, he would go ahead anyway.
He's not only showing you that you don't matter to him, he's showing you that he's going to ignore you if he wants to do something you don't.
Leave him. Find someone who is lovely, wonderful and who doesn't see you as less.

Angrybird345 · 10/01/2018 06:28

Not a misunderstanding at all .,. Leave him.

ladystarkers · 10/01/2018 06:28

Op reading this has made me feel really tense. I would honestly run for the hills.

OhWotIsItThisTime · 10/01/2018 06:31

He’s trying to gaslight you. What ‘misunderstanding’? He is denying responsibility for his awful behaviour. If you hadn’t have screamed and physically backed off, he would have raped you.

He cannot have misunderstood that you didn’t want anal sex, as you had repeatedly been clear.

Do not stay in a relationship with this man.

redjoker · 10/01/2018 06:41

It would not surprise me in the slightest if he had watched some horrible brutal anal porn in the last 72 hours and was hoping to reinact it

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