would you believe this was a genuine misunderstanding? (Triggering)

[Ribbitribbit001]

Namechanged because I want to keep my anonymity as much as possible.

I've been debating whether or not to post this because I don't know how I feel yet. I've been numb since it happened and don't really know where to go from here. I might be overreacting but here we go.

TMI so I apologise in advance

I have been seeing DP for just over a year. He's generally been really sweet, cares about me a lot and is very protective. We were together last night and he kept trying to have anal sex without asking. He was using his fingers at first and I told him to stop and he did. Then we were about to have sex and he tried to go there again. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and said that he was at the wrong bit He just went 'mhm' and tried it again. It wasn't gentle at all so I screamed and jumped away at this point and told him to leave me alone.

He kept asking if we could try again but the trust was gone at this point. He's been apologising all day and said it was a misunderstanding and that I was overreacting by being upset about it.

I don't know where to go from here because I know I feel terrified about being in a vulnerable position with him again.

I might be totally overreacting I don't know

Be kind please I can't sleep and can't think straight

OP I'm so sorry this has happened to you. The same thing happened to me and I felt awful - completely betrayed and vulnerable. I ended it with him and have never regretted it. I am now dating such a lovely man who would never do anything even remotely like this to me. You deserve so much better

If he carries on after that then you may need to reconsider your relationship.

Bit bloody late if he doesn't stop that time!

No more chances. He needs to go.

Adding my voice to say this was no misunderstanding.

Thing kind of thing should be discussed in advance because not everyone likes it - any reasonable person knows that. Even if he got carried away and assumed you'd like it that only excuses the first attempt not the next two when you had already clearly said no.

He tried to rape you. RAPE you. Then he tried to minimise and gaslight you and his attempted rape of you and even try to get a second chance to assault you. There is nothing 'generally sweet', caring or 'very protective' about him. There is NO coming back from such people or giving them a second chance to rape you. Your boyfriend is a shit.

Dump him and tell him you are doing so because he tried to anally rape you, he's lucky you're not going to the police about it and he needs to leave you alone NOW. Then you block him 100%.

Are you ok Ribbit?
I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more unanimous response on here. Please don’t see this man again. He’s not caring or gentle.

Hi everyone,

Sorry for the lateness in replying, my sleeping has been a bit insane so I've been napping since then. I'm doing alright, luckily I have a few days off work anyway so I'm just having a bit of me time

Thank you so much for all the replies and support, it means the world. He's messenged me a few times asking me to call him but I've not replied.

He's always been nice before now but when I say he was protective he's basically jealous of other men. Especially when I'm friendly with someone he thinks I've been 'too close' to he isn't happy with me speaking to them. That's another huge drama I can't be bothered with anymore

Thank you again, you're all so lovely xx

Glad you’re ok
You do know that him getting angry about you talking to whoever you want to is not a good thing (assuming you’ve given him no good reason to think you’d cheat)?

He misunderstood you didn’t want to do something 3 times?

Glad you are ok OP. But I have to agree with everyone else here please get rid of him, there was no misunderstanding he knew exactly what he was doing.

Ribbitribbit001 I'm so sorry this happened to you.

To echo everyone else, you deserve so much better then this.

There was no misunderstanding

Just a total lack of respect he wanted anal sex you didn’t but he thought he would keep trying anyway

Not really what you want in a relationship is it

Ah :( Sadly not surprising there are other red flags there. Def don't stand for jealous or possessive men again in the future :) Glad you are feeling clearer, and hope you are okay.

Ribbit- nobody deserves to be treated like that! To assault you is bad enough but then to try and invalidate your feelings on the matter is really low! His possessive ways are probably a ploy to drive away any friends/ support network you may have so you are more vulnerable. Please move on from this toxic relationship! X

'He's always been nice before now but when I say he was protective he's basically jealous of other men. Especially when I'm friendly with someone he thinks I've been 'too close' to he isn't happy with me speaking to them. That's another huge drama I can't be bothered with anymore '

Another HUGE red flag.

The attempt at anal rape is enough.

You owe this person NOTHING. Nothing. Not a conversation, not a face-to-face, a chat, not a second chance at assaulting you, not FA. You can ghost him. Just cut him off without a dicky bird.

Because a manipulative, gaslighting, minimising person who tried to anally rape you.

Fuck that.

I'm friendly with someone he thinks I've been 'too close' to he isn't happy with me speaking to them

He is controlling and working on isolating you. Has he also tried to isolate you from family or female friends? Whined when you spent time with them, made little cutting comments about them to cause you to think less of them?

He minimizes your feelings. I wonder how much of a reaction he would feel was appropriate if some man tried to shove his penis up his bum, especially after saying multiple times that no, he really didn't want a penis up his bum. Yet he thinks you "overreacted."

This guy is controlling and abusive, and it will get worse and worse the longer you stay. Please see the light and get out of the relationship before he hurts you.

So he's a possessive, jealous, control freak who tried to anally rape you - and is now telling you that you're over-reacting?

I do hope you plan on getting rid of this one ASAP. He's not worth keeping, doesn't matter what he promises you, or what he says or does now - just get rid.

I think it's worth remembering that many controlling or abusive partners are really sweet the majority of time, especially at first.
It's so when something like this does happen, it's easier for you to brush it off as a misunderstanding or just a mistake because it's 'out of character' .
And then after the 'misunderstanding', they're back to being lovely until you let your guard down and there is another 'misunderstanding'.

Also, many controlling / abusive men become more so after a milestone in the relationship. You just had your one year anniversary. Other milestones that up the anti are moving in together, getting married, and getting pregnant.

Your relationship's future is really scary.

Glad that you listened to us Ribbit, blocking and ghosting, in this case, is the right way to go !
You've actually had a very lucky escape.💐
His anger and jealousy must have been simmering away, thus his need to empower you.

• 🙄😁! Sorry Sweet, just been out into the garden with my pup, half asleep I am .... 😊

• Himself .... 😴💤

Don't message him anymore; block and delete op

Have you decided what to do OP?