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Original poster

would you believe this was a genuine misunderstanding? (Triggering)

148 replies

Ribbitribbit001 · 10/01/2018 01:41

Namechanged because I want to keep my anonymity as much as possible.

I've been debating whether or not to post this because I don't know how I feel yet. I've been numb since it happened and don't really know where to go from here. I might be overreacting but here we go.

TMI so I apologise in advance

I have been seeing DP for just over a year. He's generally been really sweet, cares about me a lot and is very protective. We were together last night and he kept trying to have anal sex without asking. He was using his fingers at first and I told him to stop and he did. Then we were about to have sex and he tried to go there again. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and said that he was at the wrong bit Hmm He just went 'mhm' and tried it again. It wasn't gentle at all so I screamed and jumped away at this point and told him to leave me alone.

He kept asking if we could try again but the trust was gone at this point. He's been apologising all day and said it was a misunderstanding and that I was overreacting by being upset about it.

I don't know where to go from here because I know I feel terrified about being in a vulnerable position with him again.

I might be totally overreacting I don't know

Be kind please Flowers I can't sleep and can't think straight

OP posts:
Branleuse · 10/01/2018 08:24

the only misunderstanding is his idea of the meaning of consent, and im not interested in people who dont understand this very simple vital concept

cakecakecheese · 10/01/2018 08:27

Saying you're overreacting pretty much cancels out his apologies. Anal sex is something that should be discussed and consented to and then the guy goes carefully, attempting to shove it in and hope she goes along with it just isn't on, trying it once without asking was bad enough but to try it a few times is really bad. He can't be that protective of you if he's ignoring your boundaries...

Neolara · 10/01/2018 08:28

Pretty overwhelming consensus here op. Sorry.

BedtimeTea · 10/01/2018 08:29

He would be out the door. How dare he treat you like a recipticle.

BedtimeTea · 10/01/2018 08:32

Oh, definitly not a misunderstanding.

OldBook · 10/01/2018 08:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChasedByBees · 10/01/2018 08:36

Not a misunderstanding and he tells you you’re over reacting. This is not part of a sincere apology. He doesn’t think it’s a big deal.

apostropheuse · 10/01/2018 08:39

He has sexually assaulted you, then tried to minimise his criminal actions because he knows it wasn't an accident or misunderstanding, it's as simple as that really. You can't trust him to be honest.

viques · 10/01/2018 08:42

he is not going to stop. He wants anal sex with your body (not with you) and as you found out last night he will keep trying and trying until he succeeds. He will try persuading you, coercing you, waiting until you are asleep, forcing you .He will try with fingers, sex toys and his penis. He thinks it is his right to do what HE wants to your body.

The only way you can stop him is by leaving.

ReanimatedSGB · 10/01/2018 08:43

Dump him. Tell him he is dumped because he ignored your refusals and kept trying to assault you, that he is lucky you are not going to the police about this assault, and that he is never to contact you again. (And do it by text or email, don't agree to meet him.)

A good hard verbal smackdown, and complete refusal to discuss it further is what men like this should get, every time. Then they might learn something

saladdays66 · 10/01/2018 08:48

Hmm, OP, would you try to shove something up your partner's anus after he had said no three time? No. I bet you wouldn't.

So hold him to the same standard.

It was NOT a misunderstanding. He was trying his luck and he tried to rape you - he was forceful enough to make you scream and jump away after being told 'no' twice. That is not the action of a kind partner.

I hope you're safe.

BTW, he doesn't get to tell you what your feelings are. He doesn't get to say you're 'over-reacting'. That's up to you. Your feelings are yours.

Also, what you you mean he's 'protective'? Do you mean 'controlling'?

PoorYorick · 10/01/2018 08:49

So many of the raped or nearly raped women on here say that the poor widdle men claimed not to have "understood".

If that's true, you should break up with him but only because he's a rapist but because he is as thick as pigshit.

PoorYorick · 10/01/2018 08:50

Not only because he is a rapist, I meant. Or a would be rapist.

Snowysky20009 · 10/01/2018 08:51

OP it doesn't matter whether it was anal, vaginal, use of his fingers or a kiss. As soon as you said no, then it should have stopped. No means no. It does not mean 'try again'.
You really need to consider your relationship, he obviously has no respect for you at all. I had an ex who I had anal sex with a few times, and he tried it at other times, but I would just say 'don't even think about it' and he would stop. If he had tried again I seriously would have broken his littleness man for him.
It doesn't matter whether this would have been the first time or the hundredth time again no means no. You really have to evaluate the trust in your relationship, and where it is going.

TheDowagerCuntess · 10/01/2018 08:52

What's the point in being 'protective', when the biggest threat to you is him?

whiskyowl · 10/01/2018 08:52

Noooooooooo, this is so wrong. He should have talked to you about it, and agreed it with you, before just trying it out. And he should have stopped IMMEDIATELY when you said no. I am not sure of the technicalities, but I think this probably would count as being some kind of sexual assault because he persisted in the way that he did.

It is definitely not a simple misunderstanding - he heard you, and he didn't listen. It's a red flag the size of the ones they rolled out for Chairman Mao, OP.

Missingstreetlife · 10/01/2018 08:54

Hope you have a friend to talk to. Rape crisis or women's aid will support you if you need help getting away.
If you are not afraid of physical abuse (distinct from sexual and emotional which is already happening) tell him you could report him for sexual assault and attempted rape and dump him now.
So sorry, wish you strength.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 10/01/2018 08:56

Ditch him he tried to anally rape you.

Mulberry72 · 10/01/2018 08:58

Sorry that this has happened to you OP Flowers

How dare he try and minimise his vile behaviour, he absolutely knew what he was doing and completely disrespected and ignored your wishes.

He’s vile and you can’t stay with him.

ShatnersWig · 10/01/2018 08:59

The ONLY appropriate reaction, OP, is to dump him immediately, do not give him any sort of second chance and keep well away if he tries to reconcile.

Groovee · 10/01/2018 08:59

You are not over reacting. You said no clearly and he disrespected your decision and ignored it.

MorrisZapp · 10/01/2018 09:00

God almighty. What is it with men and anal? His behaviour is disgusting, he will almost certainly do it again. He has shown you exactly who he is.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 10/01/2018 09:20

Definitely dump him, and do it quickly before the shock wears off and you have time to start minimising it.

He tried to coerce you, not once but several times.

He is now trying to make you feel like this is all your fault.

This is only going to get worse from here if he stays.

Shineystrawberrylover · 10/01/2018 09:23

Trust your instincts. He's not interested in a consensual experience. Tell him to get gone.

JustVent · 10/01/2018 09:40

Fuck THAT.

As if it couldn’t get any worse he told you it was a misunderstanding and you’re over reacting?

Please get rid of this fucking prick of a ‘man’.