Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

would you believe this was a genuine misunderstanding? (Triggering)

148 replies

Ribbitribbit001 · 10/01/2018 01:41

Namechanged because I want to keep my anonymity as much as possible.

I've been debating whether or not to post this because I don't know how I feel yet. I've been numb since it happened and don't really know where to go from here. I might be overreacting but here we go.

TMI so I apologise in advance

I have been seeing DP for just over a year. He's generally been really sweet, cares about me a lot and is very protective. We were together last night and he kept trying to have anal sex without asking. He was using his fingers at first and I told him to stop and he did. Then we were about to have sex and he tried to go there again. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and said that he was at the wrong bit Hmm He just went 'mhm' and tried it again. It wasn't gentle at all so I screamed and jumped away at this point and told him to leave me alone.

He kept asking if we could try again but the trust was gone at this point. He's been apologising all day and said it was a misunderstanding and that I was overreacting by being upset about it.

I don't know where to go from here because I know I feel terrified about being in a vulnerable position with him again.

I might be totally overreacting I don't know

Be kind please Flowers I can't sleep and can't think straight

OP posts:
BattleCuntGalactica · 10/01/2018 06:45

Dump that fucker like yesterday. He wouldn't take no for an answer and kept pushing you. Next time he might not stop.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 10/01/2018 06:45

Not a misunderstanding. He’s not sorry. Do you know who’s not concerned about consent? Rapists. End it now OP, you are not safe with him.

KayaG · 10/01/2018 06:49

He tried to rape you. Get rid.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 10/01/2018 06:50

OP, I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Flowers

It’s not a misunderstanding. He tried, you said no. So he tried again, you said no. He ignored you and tried a third time with more force.

He may understand no but he doesn’t respect it.

I have had partners aim a bit low during sex. They are always met with “too low!” and they have always immediately apologised and stopped what they were doing. They have never carried on. That’s a mistake. Your DP didn’t make a mistake.

CoraPirbright · 10/01/2018 07:08

How on earth can that be a ‘misunderstanding”? You clearly told him no 3 times!! I mean everyone misses the target slightly from time to time (I am sure lots of people here have had their perineum poked on the way) but this is not that especially as he was using his fingers first!!

Try thinking about it like this: “you know what, I have a great desire to insert my mobile up your left nostril. No?!! Well, I am going to do it anyway. No?!! I dont think you really mean it. Let’s give it a go.......”

Not surprised that you feel unsafe with him.

Notreallyarsed · 10/01/2018 07:12

The biggest part of an intimate relationship has got to be trust. You have to be able to trust your partner and feel safe that they’re not going to do anything that makes you feel upset or uncomfortable. Once that trust is gone I’m not sure I could (or would want to) continue, because it’s such a breach of trust.

Flowers for you OP

FluffyWhiteTowels · 10/01/2018 07:14

FFS he said you're over reacting Shock.

He attempted to assault you and rape you. You had said no. He had heard you. That's no misunderstanding.

FreddieClaryHorshieLion · 10/01/2018 07:43

Even if it was a misunderstanding (which seems unlikely)... he said that you’re ‘overreacting’ which imo means that he clearly doesn’t understand the problem.

Absolutely unacceptable.

FreddieClaryHorshieLion · 10/01/2018 07:43

Even if it was a misunderstanding (which seems unlikely)... he said that you’re ‘overreacting’ which imo means that he clearly doesn’t understand the problem.

Absolutely unacceptable.

FreddieClaryHorshieLion · 10/01/2018 07:43

Even if it was a misunderstanding (which seems unlikely)... he said that you’re ‘overreacting’ which imo means that he clearly doesn’t understand the problem.

Absolutely unacceptable.

FreddieClaryHorshieLion · 10/01/2018 07:43

Even if it was a misunderstanding (which seems unlikely)... he said that you’re ‘overreacting’ which imo means that he clearly doesn’t understand the problem.

Absolutely unacceptable.

FreddieClaryHorshieLion · 10/01/2018 07:45

Oops. I don’t know how this happened.

CollyWombles · 10/01/2018 07:45

Firstly OP, I'm sorry this has happened to you. In your first paragraph you say that your partner is usually sweet and protective so this must have come as some shock to you.

I'm going to play devils advocate here, let's say that your Partner made a mistake and he genuinely did not mean to hurt you as he is trying to say to you just now.

A sweet, loving partner would be very upset and concerned that you are so distressed, regardless of whether the act was intentional or not. He would want to comfort you, give you assurances that he won't make his 'mistake' again and help you rebuild trust in him.

Your partner is not doing that. He is telling you that you are overreacting. He is minimising what he has done.

This says to me, that his primary concern is for himself and his feelings, not yours. Same as his concern was for himself when he assaulted you with some force, after you had told him NO.

If you forgive him for this, what you are saying to him is: you can do this to me again, I will be hurt and distrustful of you, but I will put up with it and not leave you.

Think carefully OP about whether your partner really is sweet and protective. There are many sweet, protective men out there that would never dream of assaulting their girlfriends. Keep safe.

eddielizzard · 10/01/2018 07:49

leave. it wasn't a mistake or he wouldn't be saying you're over reacting. he wants anal sex and he'll keep on at you. this isn't the action of a kind and loving partner. how you feel tells you everything you need to know - terrified. you don't trust him anymore.

ArchchancellorsHat · 10/01/2018 07:49

No misunderstanding at all - you'd already told him no and he kept pushing. He knew what he was doing, he just didn't care that you didn't want to.

Even if it had been, if you're terrified to be vulnerable with him, then it's no kind of relationship.

It's even more despicable that he's trying to tell you you're over-reacting when you're setting boundaries

ATeardropExplodes · 10/01/2018 07:50

Genuine misunderstanding?

How many times would you need to be told not to insert something into someone else's anus? Would you even think about inserting something into someone else's anus in the first place without a discussion and permission?

Funnyface1 · 10/01/2018 08:04

I wouldn't want to be intimate with him either, I really don't think you were overreacting! Not a misunderstanding from where I'm sitting. Horrible.

Ollivander84 · 10/01/2018 08:05

A mistake is slipping and hitting the wrong target (it's happened, he lost his balance and accidentally poked me) Grin and then apologising profusely and not doing it again. Or trapping someone's hair under your arm

That was no mistake or misunderstanding. I could briefly give someone the benefit of the doubt if I had said something not clearly, they tried, I said stop, they apologised and that was the end of that

ArcheryAnnie · 10/01/2018 08:08

I am so sorry, OP - he's tried to assault you despite being told "no", he's not sorry, and he's making it infinitely, infinitely worse by telling you that you were overreacting. All that tells me is that he doesn't think anal penetration without consent (and when he knows you have explicitly denied him consent) is no big deal. There's a word for men that think like that.

Flowers
GeekyWombat · 10/01/2018 08:08

Unanimous YANBU here - I’m hoping that shows you something and settles your wondering if you’re overreacting.

This was not a misunderstanding, it was boundary pushing because he wanted to do something that you didn’t. It doesn’t matter if you’ve wanted to previously or if this was the first time, you said no and he ignored you.

Plipplops · 10/01/2018 08:17

I second the PP who suggested to look at the ways he’s ‘protective’ and see if that’s controlling behaviour? Sorry this has happened to you.

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 10/01/2018 08:20

This man has ignored your boundaries and your wishes and tried to do something to you without your consent. He's now made you feel guilty. You need to end this cycle now, protect yourself.

Everyone reaches boundaries in sex, occasionally people accidentally cross them. It's how you deal with it and carry on from it that are important. He has completely disregarded yours on purpose and is minimising your response.

Idontdowindows · 10/01/2018 08:23

This was not a misunderstanding and a man who ignores your no and continues to try to do the thing you have said no to, is not a man you can trust.

OakIsBetterTho · 10/01/2018 08:23

Get him gone, he knew you didn't want to and had heard you say stop more than once but he ignored you anyway. He's no good OP

IndigoMoonFlower · 10/01/2018 08:24

A lot of controlling men start off appearing " sweet and loving"...Its an act to get you where they want you OP. Don't let yourself be gaslighted or minimised, your feelings matter! If they don't matter to him, hes not who he appeared to be.