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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my parents for one afternoon per week childcare

382 replies

IndependentMum · 09/01/2018 20:40

So they manage to get to church once a week and do all their church warden stuff weekly right.. so why not commit to looking after my son for one afternoon per week? My mum even said, I wish we could help with a regular commitment but we don't want one.. I know it would solve all your problems..

I'm really pissed off. I work in the emergency services in a stressful job and come home to more stress with an autistic 11 year old. I have no time to myself as I go to work when the ex has him every other weekend. I have no life, yet i'm still scrabbling desperately for childcare wondering how i'm going to get through each week. It's a bloody nightmare

OP posts:
AgathaMystery · 09/01/2018 23:15

Agree with rock duck I'm sorry OP. Truly. Brew

ijustwantfiveminutespeace · 09/01/2018 23:19

What part of the uk are you in?
Could any of the mothers at their school help you.
I think a notice in your parents church bulletin with your name in it may make them change their mind.
Good luck. Don't give up a good job. If you were near me I would gladly help. I am a single parent and hate asking for help but sometimes you need to and sometimes it comes from the most unthought of places.
Hang in there. It will work out.
X

Imstickingwiththisone · 09/01/2018 23:21

OP you're stuck between a rock and a hard place. I think some posters are blind sighted by the grandparents doing childcare scenario. At the end of the day you've asked your parents if they could help you out so you don't have to give up a job that you've done for 20 years and without which would presumably struggle to find similarly paid work to be afford your outgoings. The stress of this dilemma is clearly not good and to top it off there is a detrimental effect on your son. I think they're cruel and it would affect my relationship with my parents in similar situation. I ask for and receive no childcare from family but I have viable alternatives so it's a million miles away from your position.

I'm sorry if this has been said already, but I skimmed a lot of posts as I was getting wound up on your behalf. But is there an option of childcare until 6pm and then your GPs after? It's not as long and doesn't eat into their day so less of a commitment to make. Can you be honest about the choices you'll have to make without their help?

LineysRunt · 09/01/2018 23:22

My ExH did the same trick - walked away from all these sorts of problems, only had the DC to stay once a fortnight maximum (one night!) and merrily carried on building up his career, pension, qualifications and social life. I was on my knees trying to pay the mortgage.

People have no idea.

Headofthehive55 · 09/01/2018 23:23

You dilemma isn't unusual.
We expect to be able to have children, and still carrying on working, having a career but sometimes there us t available childcare, for whatever reason.
I think our expectations are wrong really.

Mrsbird311 · 09/01/2018 23:23

I honestly don’t get the way people won’t help their own kids, I wouldn’t hesitate to look after any of my family members kids if they needed me to, your parents are selfish, I feel so sorry for you having to struggle alone, I would let all their church going friends how much you’re struggling and when they say why don’t you ask your parents you can tell them that they refused!!! I take it they won’t be wanting any help when they are frail and old!!

Headofthehive55 · 09/01/2018 23:28

I think it's the regular commitment that is an issue.

Heartoffire · 09/01/2018 23:29

looking after someone elses child is always hard

It’s their bloody grandchild ffs!

MyBrilliantDisguise · 09/01/2018 23:29

They enjoy their regular commitment to church, though, @headofthehive55.

converseandjeans · 09/01/2018 23:32

Not read all the comments - and YANBU. Even if they picked him up from after school club or something. Or even if they agreed to do alternate ones or something. It is not as if you are wanting to go out drinking. Sorry they are being difficult.

Mamabooksbabynumber2 · 09/01/2018 23:34

I personally disagree with alot of the responses. I don't think Yabu. It is a shame that it is not the norm in the UK like it is in many countries where family and extended family help and look after one another.

I think just because your child is an adult doesn't mean you no longer hold some level of responsibility to help where you can. Your child is your child for life no matter how old they are and is like to think when my dd is an adult I would help her all I can with these things

agacia · 09/01/2018 23:35

I feel sorry for you and I can feel your frustration. I am a single mum with my ex living 2h away. No family in this country. My boys are 4 and 10 but they are hard work - school, shopping, cooking, getting ready for another day, activities etc. I am very busy also working 30h weekly but I have every other weekend just for myself. Without that it is mentally very hard.
He is 11. He must have friends. Invite his friend over from time to time and fingers are crossed there will be a similar interest from the other side. It is a process - but I think you need to look for other options than your parents... Although I can understand you feel disappointed.

Headofthehive55 · 09/01/2018 23:35

People have had different experiences.
I've had a big family over many years. It's left me really really not being interested in having anything to do with young children. I can imagine if id stuck at two myself, relishing the thought of having a grand baby to care for.

Headofthehive55 · 09/01/2018 23:35

People have had different experiences.
I've had a big family over many years. It's left me really really not being interested in having anything to do with young children. I can imagine if id stuck at two myself, relishing the thought of having a grand baby to care for.

Headofthehive55 · 09/01/2018 23:38

I want to be able to explore other things rather than just do childcare all my life. To do the things I had to sacrifice when I looked after my own kids.

scrabbler3 · 09/01/2018 23:39

At what point do you think your son will be able to be home alone OP? Or is that unlikely ever to be the case?

I like the idea of asking them to do it for a short time - maybe until Easter - giving you some breathing space to sort something out.

As others have said, if they still refuse to help, at least you're off the hook if they need care in old age. Well, you won't be able to commit to a set day, anyway. They'll understand I'm sure.

gluteustothemaximus · 09/01/2018 23:42

Would do anything to make my children’s lives easier.

Especially if that child was a single parent.

Especially if that child was working very hard.

Especially if I knew it would answer all their problems.

Especially as it’s one afternoon a week. That I would enjoy spending time with my child’s child.

And because I love them.

We have no help OP. None at all. Through NC, abuse, alcoholics and suicide, there are no family members. There are no breaks. At least I have DH, but I get how hard it is.

I hope you can find a solution x

StillSeekingResponsibleAdult · 09/01/2018 23:45

My granny helped my mum, my mum helps me, I'd love to have my grandchildren if I'm ever in a position to do so. I always thought this was a fairly normal set up until I encountered mumsnet. I always considered looking after my kids to include the help I could give them as adults (within reason).
I'd help my children before helping with 'church duties' without question.
OP one afternoon a week doesn't sound unreasonable, it's shit if they won't help when you're struggling.

pemberleypearl · 09/01/2018 23:46

Just wanted to say that it's not unChristian to not want to commit to regular childcare. They're obliged to love you and their grandchild but they are grandparents not parents of young children now. They also may well find childcare quite exhausting considering their age.

NewBrian · 09/01/2018 23:53

Why is spending one afternoon a week with family such a burden? Or does this just apply to children? If I have children round I just think of them as visitors, not that I’m ‘providing childcare’ as MN likes to say!

Emily7708 · 09/01/2018 23:54

Whereabouts do you live OP? Anywhere near Essex/London I might have a few ideas for you.

I know you can’t expect childcare from parents but it’s a really poor show that they can’t help you out for a few hours a week. It’s disgusting actually. If I had a friend or relative who was a single parent working an extremely stressful job and caring for a child with a disability I wouldn’t hesitate to help.

Just wanted to point out to others that decent, available childcare for an autistic child is as rare as hens’ teeth so it’s sometimes not as easy as just booking someone from a childcare website or trying this club or that club. Some children don’t cope well with the change in care.

zzzzz · 09/01/2018 23:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Heartoffire · 09/01/2018 23:57

I had a big family too over many years and value my me time but I couldn’t bare see my kids struggle like this when I can help.

My dils parents never ever help out, even when their dd had post natal depression and needed lots of help. but they too attend numerous church dos.

We prefer to live our religious values quietly in actions rather than parade them.

perfectstorm · 10/01/2018 00:00

I've done this for single parent friends, when my own child was smaller and less stressed himself. It's just being a decent person. And this is their grandchild. Their daughter.

peachgreen · 10/01/2018 00:00

@IndependentMum I wanted to apologise - I misread your original post and thought your son was 1, not 11. I still don't think your parents are obliged to provide care but I do think it's less reasonable for them to refuse given your son's age - I was imagining them struggling to look after a small baby, not minding an 11 year old who I'm sure is capable of entertaining himself.