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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my parents for one afternoon per week childcare

382 replies

IndependentMum · 09/01/2018 20:40

So they manage to get to church once a week and do all their church warden stuff weekly right.. so why not commit to looking after my son for one afternoon per week? My mum even said, I wish we could help with a regular commitment but we don't want one.. I know it would solve all your problems..

I'm really pissed off. I work in the emergency services in a stressful job and come home to more stress with an autistic 11 year old. I have no time to myself as I go to work when the ex has him every other weekend. I have no life, yet i'm still scrabbling desperately for childcare wondering how i'm going to get through each week. It's a bloody nightmare

OP posts:
DIngdongmerryilyonhigh · 09/01/2018 22:43

Talking LOVE that idea!

Original poster
IndependentMum · 09/01/2018 22:45

Thanks for the advice and help I've received, it's given me food for thought, thankyou. I won't be responding to further hatred type baiting questions, the last two hours has really hit home after a 12 hour shift today. I really am at the end of it. Thanks all

OP posts:
perfectstorm · 09/01/2018 22:45

OP you should put an advert up on their church notice board!

This. Also a small ad in the church newsletter if there is one.

I'm sure such a Christian group would be keen to support.

DIngdongmerryilyonhigh · 09/01/2018 22:46

Don't waste your time on the baiters OP, you get some real pricks on here!

violetvendetta · 09/01/2018 22:47

Haven't read the whole thread, but how can someone be 'pissed off' someone won't look after your children for you!! There your bloody children.

Heartoffire · 09/01/2018 22:47

Ah op I think they are mean.

I have various grandchildren 3 days a week. I couldn’t do more as gave caring responsibilities to my parents. I also need those two days to do my own housework and down time.

I want to help my adult kids out. No one helped me so I wanted to be different and they are massively grateful and I get to really know my grandchildren.

We do one overnight a month too. It’s fun snd we can sleep anytime. Grin

Hope you get help op there’s some good suggestions here

Heartoffire · 09/01/2018 22:48

Will pm you xx

shadesofwinter · 09/01/2018 22:49

@IndependentMum A couple of the TAs at our school do some childminding after school - is that something you could look into?

Whilst I get that grandparents are completely within their rights to refuse to help out on a regular basis, I do feel for you; this isn't a situation you've chosen for yourself and I'd hope that as a parent I would have a little more compassion for a child of mine who was struggling.

LineysRunt · 09/01/2018 22:49

Ignore the twats, OP. They have some ishoos.

You on the other hand are living a meaningful, valuable life.

Earlyriser84 · 09/01/2018 22:49

YANBU

Why shouldn't grandparents help out if they are in a position to do so ? All the posters on here saying the OP is unreasonable to expect some help to avoid losing a job and being able to pay a mortgage are unbelievable.

It's a few hours a week

I would ask again OP and hammer home the gravity of the situation

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 09/01/2018 22:51

I was going to suggest speaking to the vicar/minister/priest, explaining the situation and asking if s/he has any recommendations or could ask around. It maybe you would find someone really happy to help or it may be your parents will realise they really could choose to help.
I really think this is a big issue for many single parents when so many jobs include evening/ night/ early/weekend shifts when it’s impossible to get paid childcare. Somehow this doesn’t seem to get any recognition by policymakers. Many nurseries on hospital premises don’t even open during the day on bank holidays Confused

Fruitboxjury · 09/01/2018 22:54

LineysRunt I couldn’t agree more. Whilst no one is entitled to anything, I genuinely don’t understand how a parent could bear to see their child struggling and suffering without helping out. Even worse when the grandparents want all the glory of being super Gran or whatever, in return for none of the work. I really think if you want to be part of a child’s life you should be so unconditionally, not conditionally. Picking and choosing when you fancy helping out because you’re playing golf etc etc simply means you’re putting another activity ahead of the welfare of your children and grandchildren. That’s all well and good when there are no significant problems, but when there are, it’s understandable why someone like the OP feels let down and upset. I have felt the same and it’s hard to accept that someone who loves you wasn’t there for you when you needed them most.

dustarr73 · 09/01/2018 22:57

I have grown up dc.They don't have children, but there's no way I'd leave them struggling.I don't understand that way of thinking.

Bettercallsaul1 · 09/01/2018 22:59

I am amazed, given what is at stake - your job, your mortgage - that your parents, who are fit and well, won't help you. As a pp said, even if they can't do every week, it would still be a huge improvement on what you have now. Weighing how much it would mean to you against the few hours' inconvenience to them, I'm astonished at their reluctance to help their own daughter. You are definitely not BU, OP, and I certainly don't blame you for feeling let down and aggrieved.

Fossie · 09/01/2018 23:00

A friend managed to persuade her cleaner to stay on and babysit. The cleaner was therefore someone known to the child. Worth trying to find a cleaner who would take on both roles? I don’t think it cost any more for babysitting as cleaning. Could Ex or GP help with paying?

BashStreetKid · 09/01/2018 23:00

I'd suggest making a formal request to the Council's Children's Department for a care assessment under the Children Act 1989 with a view to asking for respite care.

RettyPriddle · 09/01/2018 23:04

I totally sympathise OP. There is help out there. You could apply for Direct Payments to pay for some help. It’s not means tested for children. And if you say you have no family support that helps your case. You have to be persistent though and tell them you are at the end of your tether. Hope you’re ok. People in the same position understand. PM me if you need advise on Direct Payments. All the best.

HeebieJeebies456 · 09/01/2018 23:04

If I have to give up my job as a paramedic that's it, i'll lose the mortgage, everything
I think you're catastrophising - you just need a job that pays enough.

You didn't want nor plan to be a single parent but that is the position you are now in.
If the ex can't/won't help with childcare then you need to make some lifestyle changes to cover this.
If that means changing jobs so you are working to set/less crazy hours then so be it.
You don't need to necessarily 'retrain' to get a different job either.

RettyPriddle · 09/01/2018 23:05

Advice!

Thetreesareallgone · 09/01/2018 23:06

The thing is, the welfare state is shrinking. Many services like respite aren't available as much any more, and it's going to shrink further. The OP is going to be in real difficulties if she loses her house and has to rely on decreasing benefits, such as a Carer's Allowance and other disability benefits which are harder to get now, she could be in real poverty.

It absolutely IS a Christian duty to help those in need, I've been to church recently and they pray about it all the time!

I have been so incredibly lucky, both with my mum and also friends who help out, I feel so sad for the OP. Do keep trying though to find someone as you working is absolutely the best thing for all of you, financially, mentally and so on.

Ladybirdbookworm · 09/01/2018 23:08

I feel for you - I really do but my DM said no to me and in retrospect she was right.
Now my Dd is grown I don't want to look after any other children .
She brought you up and now has time on her hands to do her own interests - looking after someone else's child is so hard ....just look at all the threads that are on mumsnet about it

zzzzz · 09/01/2018 23:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Needingsomeadvice · 09/01/2018 23:11

I am sorry you're having such a hard time on here OP. It makes me so cross that people looking at you from their positions of relative privilege. You are doing brilliantly, speaking from the POV of a mum with 2 very demanding children (one with diagnosed autism, one your son's age who is also going through the process of assessment). I don't actually have employment, my DP works quite short hours, and yet we still struggle. So I have only admiration for you as a single parent, managing to hold down a demanding job and also parent your child with complex needs. flowers
It is only going to get harder to find childcare as he gets older I can imagine. I have a sister a lot like these people who judges. One who has had good fortune, supportive in-laws and parents who helped with childcare, a husband who really did do 50% and was around a lot for childcare (and well paid) and 2 neurotypical children. It really isn't the same. And even if people on here might have their own problems they are showing a really crappy level of empathy in their posts.
Could you not ask his dad to do this childcare as he does the weekends? It seems very unfair that you are the only one of your DS's parents dealing with it. Could he have him on the Tuesday too perhaps? Although I'm sure you have probably explored that avenue.

rockduck · 09/01/2018 23:12

Op I don’t have any suggestions or advice but wanted to offer a hand hold. Your parents sound like dicks. Wouldn’t be helping them with fuck all tbh.

Needingsomeadvice · 09/01/2018 23:13

Sorry Flowers - emoticon fail above!

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