To ask my parents for one afternoon per week childcare

[IndependentMum]

So they manage to get to church once a week and do all their church warden stuff weekly right.. so why not commit to looking after my son for one afternoon per week? My mum even said, I wish we could help with a regular commitment but we don't want one.. I know it would solve all your problems..

I'm really pissed off. I work in the emergency services in a stressful job and come home to more stress with an autistic 11 year old. I have no time to myself as I go to work when the ex has him every other weekend. I have no life, yet i'm still scrabbling desperately for childcare wondering how i'm going to get through each week. It's a bloody nightmare

I think the op has left: I have Pm her perhaps it would be good if others could too for support. She sounded so down

Some of the vultures on here are fucking appalling.

Thank you for supporting the OP, HeartofFire.

Sorry OP sounds tough. I think in your shoes I'd talk to your mum and just see what if anything she can offer.

As a Christian I do believe faith should be about more than doing church admin, but I also see that this is their retirement and they may have planned how they want to spend it.

My in-laws look after my kids about 6 times a year (6 days). As they are getting older they are more likely to have the children at their home some of the time.

Maybe see what aspects of helping are problematic for your parents.

May I ask if your dh pays the full child support for his child? If he does not, would this paying more enable you to work less? If things go wrong would he take your son some of the time, or would you not want that anyway?

I hope you find some answers.

I am sure you have seen these pages but in case some others have not...

www.nhs.uk/Livewell/Autism/Pages/Helpparentscarers.aspx

www.autisminitiatives.org/what-we-do/autism-community-living/autism-respite-care.aspx

I can see how angry and frustrated you are, and I can only imagine how tough it is. Can you get advice from a local autism charity, for anywhere else?

Please explore all your options before losing your job/home, (e.g. downsizing your home and lowering your hours etc).

XX

from anywhere else?

lineys

You too

I think people post quickly and don’t always read the op properly Or gauge the seriousness of the post initially.

Could you get a student to watch him for that hour? Either for money or for a swap skill. Like cooking for them. Are there any other church members that might help out?

I agree with you cheeky. I thought families were there to support each other, not wash their hands of them.

OP. You could always say to your folks, oh well it does say in the bible people would become lovers of themselves, selfish etc.. and then put up a notice for a sitter in THEIR church.

My mother is of the hypocritical religious types, I'm glad we don't live near her so I don't have this dilemma.

I wish you luck and hope you find something that works out

It wold be reasonable to ask if your Mum had not already made it clear she does not want to look after your 11 year old autistic son. Try to get your ex to help out more he is a parent too. He is the one you should be asking for help and support. You could try asking your parents for one afternoon each month. This may not seem much but your parents may find caring for an autistic child difficult and distressing especially if he is not well behaved due to his condition. Why can't he go to a childminder one afternoon a week? I am assuming he is at school until 3.30pm each afternoon. You could get childminder to collect him from school and you pick him up later.

The OP has answered and addressed all that, 'caringcarer', on the thread.

Wow caring suggest you change your user name

You sound like you have already explored a lot of avenues regarding finding childcare, however if possible, I think you need to cast your net a bit wider. Maybe try gumtree or Facebook community groups and then do the needed background checks on applicants. Hopefully you might get someone who has a shared interest of your sons (board games / video games whatever) who would like to earn some cash for a few hours work. Sounds like a perfect job for someone. Good luck.

I find it really sad that your parents don't wish to help you and spend some regular time with their GS.

Preface by saying I'm not a grandparent (yet). But DH and I are retired and loving it. I wouldn't want to commit to childcare because we love to travel and are frequently gone for weeks and occasionally months. I also love the freedom of not being accountable for my time. So I can understand where OP's parent are coming from. BUT, if my child was in the position OP is in, I'd certainly help in that circumstance. Providing that my child understood it was stopgap and she continued to look for more permanent childcare.

The amount of people who always come on these threads to state "they're not obliged you know" or "your child, your responsibility". Talk about stating the bleeding obvious! It's like announcing that the sky is blue or rain is wet do they think Op doesn't already know she's responsible for a child? Or that she was under the illusion her parents were obligated by law? It's just an opportunity to stick the boot in and it's pretty pathetic.

The Op is well aware that her parents aren't obliged to help her but she's certainly not unreasonable to imagine her own parents might give a crap that she's in such difficulty and god forbid, have the child for 4 or 5 hours once a week. It's not a big commitment and it's really not too much to ask in the Ops situation. If her parents fully understand how bad things are for her then it's incredibly selfish and uncaring of them to refuse to help. Also downright hypocritical given their "Christian" values...

I have sent OP a PM. One afternoon a week isn't a lot, I hope I am sprightly enough to help my children out If they are blessed with families.

I've seen grandparents at dance classes ferrying their grandchildren here there and everywhere. OP wants one sodding afternoon.

It may be that they don't want to commit to regular childcare because they could very easily and quickly have to let you down. My elderly relatives get ill very quickly and take lots of time to recover. They are hesitant about committing to much. Perhaps their church commitments are easier to cancel - mine are as there's always lot of people to take over if needed.

Sorry independentmum you seem to have got a really hard time in here.

Yanbu to ask them not to think that they should want to help you out when it must be obvious to them that you are working as hard as you can to keep things going. Unfortunately we don't get to pick our parents!

I don't know if you've tried but if not contact all of the local nurseries and ask them if they will tell any of their staff who are interested in doing a bit of regular work minding him for the afternoon. Alternatively contact your local college and ask if there is anyone doing their childcare course who would be interested in a part time job.

Good luck.

Could pehaps more posters pm the op? Just e quick support text. It can help a lot

Yanbu op and quite frankly the reception you're getting on here from some posters is disgusting.

You are doing a great public service job helping others and you've been left in the shit by a feckless ex and selfish, YES SELFISH parents.

What is the point in family if they are not there to support each other? Who says that the rules are when you have a child your moral responsibility stops at 18? I know I will always be there to support my son into adulthood and would be privileged to be involved in his life with his kids etc.

Your parents are letting their gs down as well as yourself. They'd really rather see him be passed from pillar to post than have him for tea after school one day a week?! Something not right there but I guess it's their right to refuse as they have chosen to do. Hypocrites.

If i were you I'd speak to work colleagues and see if anyone can help either swap shift or do reciprocal childcare.
Failing that then an internal request at work for recommendations for a nanny/baby sitter. Someone's daughter/niece/neighbour might be willing to work those set hours to fit around studying?

I feel for you. I don't think people who have never worked long rotational shifts in a job where you don't know what's happening from one hour to the next have a clue.

I think your situation is difficult, but at the same time I expect your parents don't feel they want to take on extra responsibility. I think focusing on them is fruitless and maybe it's worth thinking about your emotions around this. Do you feel they don't care about you or him ? Is it their lack of care that is making you angry and resentful? Have you asked why they don't want to help,you? Do they know how long they would have to help for? I never had parents to help me and so for me it's not something I'd expect.
I think a home help or home based childminder would be best. When I was doing onerous shifts i had to privately employ someone at home to cover that early evening time especially.
Advertise locally and also via childcare services online and see if you get suitable applicants.
Good luck OP take care X

If he's fairly eat what about asking around your local college ?? There are always sixth formers etc doing childcare courses looking to earn some pocket money.........a midweek, early evening arrangement sounds perfect.

Good luck op, I can't understand your parents either. Sadly I won't ever have grandchildren as my children have disabilities, it really is a kick in the guts seeing people who are lucky enough to have them and just don't care. You're doing an amazing job in spite of your parents.

When I saw the title of your post I expected to think you're been cheeky but after reading your posts I'm gutted for you that your parents won't help.
Your son is older and although has autism sounds like he's not demanding to mind. It's one evening a week and they you help
I don't think I could continue a relationship with such selfish people.
I hope you find a solution for your child care issues.

@IndependantMum I'm sorry to see how some aren't being supportive here on MN, and I empathise with you about your parents.
Mine NEVER babysat for my kids, not even once because as my Mother said "they need you". I felt swamped at times, never had a break and did have to leave a job because childcare didn't work out.
I think it would be worth having a frank chat with your kids Father. After all, it's not best for your child's stability if you were to lose your home. What about the Grandparents on the father's side?
Do your parents fully understand that you could lose your home? Not wanting to is probably quite selfish, but giving up one afternoon a week is not excessive. My parents wouldn't have done it, but I hope yours will see how much you're struggling. Ideally your ex and your parents could both provide a bit more support...

I’m sorry to hear you are struggling so much. This may come far too late but have you thought of an au pair to help you out? If you have a spare room, this could help with mornings and afternoons and possibly even give you some spare hours to yourself.

Just a thought, hope you get something sorted out.

The only problem with an au pair is that kids get close to them and they go back to their own country after their English course is finished. Most kids find it hard enough losing an adult (who is their main caregiver) if they are not autistic, but the change in routine would likely be upsetting for OP's son.
Other than that, an Au pair is a wonderful solution. She would be an extra pair of hands, help in the house, give you a break and also, another adult to talk to.

Cannot believe the cruelty in some of these posts. This is person, doing her level best in life - needing help. Have some compassion.

Op I am so sorry you find yourself in this position, you have clearly been dealt a very difficult hand in life and I admire your strength and resilience. I sincerely hope you find the help you need.