To ask my parents for one afternoon per week childcare

[IndependentMum]

So they manage to get to church once a week and do all their church warden stuff weekly right.. so why not commit to looking after my son for one afternoon per week? My mum even said, I wish we could help with a regular commitment but we don't want one.. I know it would solve all your problems..

I'm really pissed off. I work in the emergency services in a stressful job and come home to more stress with an autistic 11 year old. I have no time to myself as I go to work when the ex has him every other weekend. I have no life, yet i'm still scrabbling desperately for childcare wondering how i'm going to get through each week. It's a bloody nightmare

Do you have any universities or colleges new you? Could you advertise there? 3.15-8 sounds doable for a student and they might be glad of the experience.

I don’t know why parents think Grandparents are obliged to provide childcare. They really don’t have to and they don’t have to explain or justify their decision. They’ve done their time raising children, they are now free to live the rest of their lives.

Give Grandparents a break and sort yourselves out.

It's bitterly disappointing when they do this. It's also very short sighted. My parents are now very elderly and needy. I feel far less disposed to do anything but the bare minimum for them that I would have done, but they showed zero interest in my DC and never looked after them. Now they want me to come running all the time, I do help out but on my terms and not as a regular fixture in their lives, which I know they'd love. You might want to say with a grin: if you're too busy to help me when you know I need you fine, but I'll remember it when you are old and frail and need my help. I wish I'd said that to my parents. They used to ring and monolgue about their social whirl then ring off before I even had a chance to beg for an hour's break.

I'd help you myself if I could. I've been there. It's horrendous.

There will be SOMEONE who will snap your arm off with the offer of a regular, paid babysitting gig.

A teenager? From the local church? Another Grandma? Ask all the parents again.

Coukd ypu have a live in au pair to cover all the before and after school?
You could get a community service v9lunteer given his autism.

They don't have to provide childcare BUT most parents would step in if their kids are drowning

volunteeringmatters.org.uk/pillars/families/

Oh yes. You made me think... we have a crèche at our gym and lots of the girls there welcome extra hours childcare - or at my child's old nursery. It may well be worth popping into a local nursery and asking them, these girls have to undergo constant training and it would probably appeal to them to spend some time with a child with extra needs for the experience.

Advertising in church may not be a bad idea?

My friend helps her DD massively with childcare but won't commit to a certain day. That's her choice, whatever her reasons.

Barmymammy are you trying to channel some kind of dimbot? It's just that your post comes across as being the product of a carefully constructed algorithm to mimic the tweets of Donald Trump.

Give the OP a break. She's a weary paramedic single mother.

@Barmymammy my grandparents looked after my sister and I in the school holidays to give my parents a break, my parents now look after my son while me and my DH work.

Tbh my DM was desperate for at least one grandchild and there was no way we could afford childcare. I'm happy my DS has such a close relationship with them.

I sympathise. But there is absolutely no obligation on grandparents to be childminders on a regular basis. They just don't want to commit themselves. But they should be prepared to do it to help out till you find something more permanent.

Grandparents have their own lives, get over it.

*One day they will both require a hell of a lot more care than a few hours one afternoon a week.

One day they will both require a hell of a lot more care than a few hours one afternoon a week.

Firstly that's a huge assumption.Secondly tit for tat never ends well.

I disagree, most parents require care as they get on in life, few of us are lucky enough to drop down dead without any health problems or mobility problems or going deaf or having cancer or any of these things. Most people require care, old age is not dignified and many would prefer family members to be, if not carers, visiting regularly (you know, like once a week or so for a couple of hours, much like what the OP is asking for).

Of course care is dependent on reciprocal relationships. I don't think the OP's parents should care if they feel they can't- perhaps her son is quite difficult, perhaps they don't like driving at night, perhaps they want to go on holiday every now and again and don't want a regular commitment, but they could surely give it a go to cover her for now whilst she looks around for someone else. Have you suggested that to them, OP?

OP There are certain thing on mums net that posters seem to find unthinkable, one is expecting family to help with childcare and two is expecting family to leave you inheritance - I don't understand either.

YANBU your parents clearly have the time for numerous church activities and have already recognised you desperately need childcare so why not help you? One afternoon a week is not a big commitment.

What I don't understand on mums net is why everyone thinks you shouldn't ask family for help. It's not a new phenomenon! In fact it's the opposite. Go back a few decades and it was the norm to go to grandparents or aunties after school if they lived close by and your mum was at work.

And I'm not even going to bother with the hatred for expecting to inherit family money on here. All I will say is I've worked with very wealthy and well connected people and money is always passed down which is how they retain and grow their family wealth!

I do get that when we have children they are our responsibility and not the grandparents but I honestly don't have one friend who doesn't have grandparents involved in their children's life. Whether they live round the corner or 6 hours away, we/they all have help with childcare at some point.

Not RTFT but...

I actually think toxic family members aside as families we have duties and responsibilities to each other. I don’t stop being a parent because my child has children and equally when I face old age, should I need support I would hope family would support me too. I’ve noticed on here there are many posters who remind people of the importance about including and looking in on aging family members but by the same token their parenting days are over so they don’t need to provide childcare. No they don’t, but times are more expensive and as awful as it sounds if at the time when I needed help caring for my children, a parent was wilfully choosing to ignore this and say they couldn’t help for no good reason other than they didn’t want to, well I imagine it might make it more difficult for me to care willingly for them later. And breathe.

Sounds really tough op If you got a childminder from, say, 15.15 until 18.00 would your parents do the final hour or two for you?

I'd love to look after a grandchild regularly when the time comes. OH helps his DC out with childcare when asked. It's normal. It's family. It's nice.

What isn't nice is grandparents who refuse to help out, but then want the frazzled adult female child (and it's always a female, let's face it) to run round after the grandchildren, her job, and also eventually the ageing parents. It's not fair. Fuck that.

Just read some of the posts! Wow. I must be externally lucky and have the most amazing parents because they are always willing to help me and I in return would do anything to help them. I thought that was normal. I thought that was what families do.

I don't think many understand what being a single parent with an ASD child means. My mother was one - everyone suffered, my brother worst of all. It was hell on all of us tbh.

Chopping and changing care will stress him a lot as transitions are tricky with ASD. That's why family is so important - security for the child.

I get a lot of help from my mum. I have a husband who works office hours, and I'm a SAHP. It is STILL hard, with ASD. You know what it's like when childless people think they know how to parent better than you do? Yeah, well being the parent of a disabled child is that. Times a hundred. In fact, that's how the head of special needs in education for our county trains people: he plays them a clip of a Michael McIntyre show on "People Without Children Don't Know" and then tells them to multiply, with disability.

OP I have no advice. But no, not unreasonable. It's very hard, and all you want is some stable, reliable help from people who know your son, and who make him feel safe.

I think your parents are within their rights to say no but I think that if I were in your position this would completely change my relationship with them.

You need childcare to work and have tried hard to find paid child ARD without success.
If you are unable to work then you can't pay the bills/house yourself and your son.

For your parents to say no we won't help but we understand that if we did it would solve all of your problems is a complete kick in the teeth and I would see it as a huge rejection of you and your son.

YANBU and I can only think that many of the posters on this thread have no concept of what it might be like to walk in your shoes.

Good luck to you and your son for the future

OP you should put an advert up on their church notice board!