Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask if you would re-marry your DP, knowing now what you didn't back then?

484 replies

constantchange · 09/01/2018 08:27

I thought this would make for an interesting thread.--

If you could go back to the year you married your husband/wife, would you still marry them, knowing everything you do about them now that you didn't back then?

OP posts:
ICJump · 10/01/2018 04:12

Yes- Althought we aren’t actually married now.
Today I saw him explaining a rock pool to our sons. I was struck with love and gratitude in that moment of simple fathering. It made my heart swell.

Vernazza · 10/01/2018 04:18

Nope

Fionne · 10/01/2018 04:22

No. Biggest mistake of my life
I love my kids though except they are all grown up now and I'm left with just him
Good news is that at 45 I probably have less time ahead of me now than
already past.

You sound so resigned to what you seem to think is your fate but you’re still young and you could very well live for more years than you already have.

You could still start a new chapter in your life. You don’t even have to do it with loud fanfare and declarations of I’m glad I got rid of him, you could like thousands of other women just quietly open the page.

There are lots of women posting here who’s marriages ended after even 40 years and I would hope that some of us could offer you comfort and hope.

HipNewName · 10/01/2018 04:34

sadly no. He's too hard work.

I love him and care about him. I love our children. But I do think that if I had chosen differently, I could have had a happier and more fun life.

He is a self-absorbed workaholic. He loves me, but it's a lonely marriage.

TheDowagerCuntess · 10/01/2018 04:40

Yes I would.

And I wouldn't say, 'absolutely yes, without hesitation' as many previous posters have said. Because I did actually want to hesitate and really think about it. Would I?

And on thinking about it, the answer is absolutely yes.

UniversityAlreadyQuestionMark · 10/01/2018 04:44

Awww, lovely thread.

Yes I would too Smile

ShastaBeast · 10/01/2018 05:13

I’ll sit on the fence. It’s pretty good right now and I suspect the grass isn’t as green as it looks anyway, we get on most of the time and he’s great with the kids. I may never have met anyone better suited and I know a few unhappily single, never married with no kids, women who probably think I have it all, I don’t and am honest about it. One child has SN due to him, he has it too and his family are awful, they are such a disappointment and made a potentially magical time - getting married and having babies - into a nightmare. I’m NC and glad as they are still potty, middle class idiots, while my dysfunctional, ordinary family was surprisingly fab about it. Sadly my family are too far away (and still fucked up so maybe not actually a bad thing) so we have no support what’s so ever. It’s been so hard. Supportive in laws must be lovely.

DH could definitely have done better and I’ve developed physical health issues so he has to be hands far more on with the kids and housework. He struggles with this.

HarryHarry · 10/01/2018 05:18

Yes! I'd marry him every day of the week!

oldmum22 · 10/01/2018 08:34

In a heartbeat. Kissed way too many frogs until I found my Prince. Without him ,we wouldn't have two amazing boys .

HazelBite · 10/01/2018 08:45

I have been married to my second husband for 40 years. Marriage is a bit of a lottery where you try and stack the odds in your favour.
I nervously went into my second marriage having had an awful first marriage, and probably held a bit of myself back a bit as I didn't want to be hurt again.
40 years on I love him more than I did when I married him, we have grown together, he is a wonderful husband and a great father, we are very different people than that couple who married 40 years ago.

cantfindname · 10/01/2018 09:04

We were 49 before we met and had both been through two horrible marriages and subsequent divorces. The irony is we had missed each other so many times in the past.. we lived near each other, had the same interests, attended the same events and never managed to meet! Been together 15 years now.. longer than either of my marriages.. and I wouldn't swap him for the world.

Idontdowindows · 10/01/2018 09:08

I would indeed hope I would have the wisdom to make that same decision again :)

BishopBrennansArse · 10/01/2018 09:09

Absolutely without hesitation

constantchange · 10/01/2018 09:22

I'm still reading the replies Smile

It looks like the responses are either "Hell yes!", "We're happy enough but I'm not happy per se", or "God no".

This thread has been really good for me to read. I started it because I've just broken up with someone who adored me, wanted to marry me, wanted children with me, but I felt like I should be feeling more than "I suppose that could be a nice life with him".

Basically, as horrible as it sounds, I didn't want to settle for someone who didn't make me talk about him in a "Hell yes!" type of way. And I see now that's it's entirely possible to be married to someone, even for X years, and think F yeah, this is the one for me.

OP posts:
LinoleumBlownapart · 10/01/2018 09:27

Yes, I'd want with the knowledge to get through the hard times though. We've made mistakes in life, not with each other but in what we've done or not done because we were so young. Married at 22.

FineSally · 10/01/2018 09:34

Short answer - not sure. I think we married too quickly, I know I was looking for some security after a traumatic couple of years. My first marriage lasted just 3 years (he'd not been married before). We had some ups and downs in the early days and nearly split up twice.

I've known him about 42 years, couldn't stand him when we first met!

We've now been together for 37 years, married for 35. I suppose after all this time our marriage is a bit like a pair of tatty old slippers that are falling to bits but still comfy and you don't want the effort of finding something that might be better. There must be something in it though, as we've been together for so long.

He's still not fully housetrained (leaving dirty clothes everywhere etc) and I find him very annoying if we are alone together for extended periods. The washing machine is still a mystery to him but he does his own ironing.

On the plus side he is very calm and I've never known him lose his temper (he's the broody, withdrawn, sulky type). He will do housework when prompted (and sometimes I don't even have to ask twice!) He's got a generous spirit and I've never known him be nasty to anyone (except perhaps a sister that we are now NC with). We are similar intellectually and sometimes seem to have an almost telepathic understanding (or does that come with spending most of your lives together?)

Astrologically, we're a water sign and an earth sign - which together make mud! We're probably the boring most unexciting couple you could imagine.

He's not very romantic, and above all that's the one thing I would change.

Fishface77 · 10/01/2018 10:26

No.
Apart from my kids I can’t see what good actually came out of my marriage.
I have sacrificed so much emotionally, financially that I’m left as a shell of the girl/woman I was.
I compromised myself, my morals and my beliefs for someone who was not worthy of it.
I’m getting myself back slowly but surely but I have to make sure it’s not at the expense of my children’s mental and emotional well being.

ginorwine · 10/01/2018 10:34

I would have thought about it harder and probably not . We are not matched sexually or in parts of personality . He is good , kind etc but is too quiet for me and seems to lack curiosity about people and life . I think we got together too early and we're still in the sex phase etc.
I wonder about how those who stay and settle resolve it - like others have said it's not the life you would choose - how do you feel settled and content despite that ? Interested .

CoodleMoodle · 10/01/2018 10:50

Yes. We've been together since we were 16, married since 22 (now both nearly 29). We have DD(3) and are due DC2 later this year. Our personalities are quite similar in that neither of us has ever been into going out, we're happy in our own company, our views on parenting are similar, etc. Our interests are different but they complement one another well enough. Some of our evenings are spent in companionable silence, which we both find comforting and secure.

Our life together hasn't always been that great, but we've always had each other. Right now we're not doing great money-wise, we live in a little rented house in a rundown area with no real hope of buying for several years... but I can deal with it because we're together. He annoys me/I annoy him and we bicker, but we've been together our entire adult lives (lived together at uni from age 18) and can't imagine life without each other.

BishopBrennansArse · 10/01/2018 10:51

Whilst I say hell yes you have to realise it's not as it was when we were first together - at it like rabbits and fireworks.

Yes he still makes me stomach turn over sometimes and I still fancy him but it's a much more settled life now. With a really strong bond.

ArbitraryName · 10/01/2018 10:51

No.

rainbowlou · 10/01/2018 11:10

Probably not, I love him more thank ive ever loved anyone else, I thought we were perfect together but he clearly had other thoughts.

rainbowlou · 10/01/2018 11:34

More than!

Pantah630 · 10/01/2018 11:52

Yes, absolutely.

LaughingLlama · 10/01/2018 12:32

I'm never thought people could be so genuinely happy together after many many years. It's heart warming to read.
For me though that ship sailed along time ago and it makes me sad to realise what I have missed out on.

For those if you genuinely happy - just treasure it. You are so lucky.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread