Women/ girls taking full responsibility children

[thereisalightanditnevergoes]

Just lying here and suddenly feeling very cross so need to vent sorry guys. Wondering if anyone else feels the same.

I got pregnant at 17 with my first child. I finished my first year of college then missed a year to look after the baby until he went to nursery and I then completed my second year of College (sixth form) The father of my child, on the other hand who was the year above me so had finished his college education as our son was born, moved 100 miles away to his first choice uni.

He'd come back every other weekend to "help out" but eventually this got less and less as he met a new bird at uni and sacked me and DC off (until a few years later this all got resolved and he now has a good relationship with DC but that's not the point atm)

My point being how Fucking unfair. I can't believe I didn't make more of a fuss at the time. How dare he move that far away when I had to sacrifice so much and it was simply expected. Surely we should of both took a year out and both looked after the baby for the first year?? I know a few other girls who have had similar situations and I just think it's disgraceful most boys/ men take no responsibility and they aren't expected to. sorry. Rant over. I don't think I'm actually being unreasonable but would like other people's opinions on this.

But really young mums can return to uni or whatever when their dcs have grown up a bit more.

I tried a few years ago. It’s really fucking hard. I didn’t make it through my first year of university. I was spending my nights at a laptop, exhausted between university, work, and keeping the house/children. The lack of money and pressure of deadlines was stressing me out so much I couldn’t sleep. I was a zombie and it was affecting my children. On top of what they were already dealing with from their father’s treatment of them. And it was only going to get worse the following year when my university demands increased. There was no-one who could take on any of that stuff for me.

I think that if it wasn't for those rose tinted glasses there would be a population slump of extreme proportions!

Please let's usher in the population slump, the planet will thank you!

Totally agree re rose tinted glasses.

The biology we both agreed about Dr.Martha is extremely powerful though. I can remember being in the grip of it. That little "babeee'" holds massive sway in our imaginations etc

Maybe yours. It didn't figure in mine at all.

Anyone saying it's tough luck/ your own choice/ etc: have you been in this situation yourselves? Doubt it

Yes I have. I prioritised my education, and terminated the pregnancy. Twenty years later and with a career under my belt I made the choice to have children with a man who wanted to be a father, and who gave every indication that he would be a good one. He is.

There is a choice.

The biology we both agreed about Dr.Martha is extremely powerful though. I can remember being in the grip of it. That little "babeee'" holds massive sway in our imaginations etc

Nope. I didn't have sex until I was 20, such was the fear of pregnancy.

*It's partly biology. You were the one who was pregnant, and you were the one who chose to go ahead with the pregnancy. He couldn't do anything about it, and was never likely to give up university to stick around to change nappies. And its partly that you chose him as a father to your child, same as those older men you are talking about, and you chose badly.

It's not that they aren't expected to, at all. Its that biology means the entire thing is skewed and biased from the start. And you can't make them,*

Sorry OP but I agree with this,

*Yes I have. I prioritised my education, and terminated the pregnancy. Twenty years later and with a career under my belt I made the choice to have children with a man who wanted to be a father, and who gave every indication that he would be a good one. He is.

There is a choice.*

And I agree with this too.

I was 38 when I became a mother. I had several long term serious partners, but none were father material.

I waited until I met a man who I was sure would be a good steady father. And my life experience gave me the ability to determine that.

And it proved to be a great choice.

DrMartha I know we have one in our family. My stupid sil who encouraged both her dds to get pregnant and keep babies at 17! Just so she could play dolly with them. Stupid selfish bitch has cut short both her dds options with her pathetic parenting.

Orange you have every right to be proud of your boy.

I would support my dds decisions regarding an unwanted pregnancy but I would feel I had failed as a mum if they decided to keep a baby at 17. We are a very pro choice household though so can’t see that happening.

We need to raise our girls expectations. And keep the pro life lobby at bay.

Isn't a lot of this to do with how a man who left a mum pregnant and didn't marry her about 50 years ago was shunned by his family and friends,
About 30 years ago it was still wrong , but the woman seem to have been blamed more for going with them.
Now it's all about how the blokes can run away , do it 3 or 4 times and no one cares....

People know the implications of unplanned pregnancy. When I was young my Mum drummed into my head I'd be in huge trouble if this happened to me and as likely as not the boy/man would run off. It made me more aware. Nowadays it seems like girls wake up and 'find' themselves pregnant. How could that possibly have happened. All this sex education has achieved zilch. IMHO.

We need to raise our girls expectations. And keep the pro life lobby at bay.

Absolutely.

Yes, it is unfair but that’s why good contraception is so important.
The boy doesn’t get an equal say in whether he becomes a parent does he ? He can’t demand an abortion.
I feel sorry for some young men who are forced into fatherhood.
And yes , yes I KNOW they should talk about contraception before they have sex.

Its all purely cultural in my view - its a patriarchal society and so men take priority and are not viewed poorly for abandoning children in the same way women are purely because of the biology involved. You assume there was no choice in the go ahead decision but many would say no to abortions but still want to slope off without responsibility for what they created except for the Disney Dad Appearances they do. Until we hold them responsible and make them do things ie allow them to be refused entry to Uni if they are abandoning children (so state pays for them and for the children!!) As Mothers we have a responsibility to bring our boys up differently.

Peaceful I also waited till I was 29 and married and made the choice to have children but didn't stop me from feeling desperate because I didn't conceive immediately!

Agree about the population !

We seem to bring girls up to take responsibility but not the boys

Word for word what BarbarianMum said.

I still think it’s abiut parenting though. There are generations that still think having babies is a life style choice for young girls and that it’s ok for the dads to fuck off.

At bottom it’s about encouraging our girls to aim higher.

Honestly the standard of sex Ed Isn’t good enough. You honestly must must teach your young teenagers all about contraception and the mechanics of avoiding pregnancy and infections. Schools just don’t or it’s patchy.

Now it's all about how the blokes can run away , do it 3 or 4 times and no one cares....

And this is really wrong. Firstly, they should pay maintainance for each and every kid and it should be enforced - just like they do in other countries. Secondly, we need to raise our girls to have greater self-esteem so they don't hook up with these shitty multiple sperm donors in the first place. I honestly believe that nothing will change the standard of male behavior as much as women turning round and telling lazy and feckless blokes to get to fuck.

*It's very true that society judges absent mothers very harshly indeed, and by a completely different standard than it does absent fathers.

But would you or any women you know choose to have a kid then walk away from them? Women generally really, really don't want this option. So they don't do it. If they don't want motherhood they exercise that choice at the prevention stage.*

But aren't those two things connected? Women actually do leave their children sometimes, but most don't. I think that's not just biology, but societal pressure. And also as I said, the fact that because many men tend to opt out to varying degrees, the woman ends up closer to the kids and better at coping, and they rely on her more, so leaving would be a bigger deal.

@12345OnceCaughtAFish

How is it not a double standard?
Why do you think that the mans chocoe ends at sex, but women get the option of the morning after pill, weeks to abort and then to put the baby up for adoption?

Now it's all about how the blokes can run away , do it 3 or 4 times and no one cares

I think you'll find a lot of people care. But there is fuck all we can actually DO about it.

But it's more complex than just "avoid a lazy and feckless bloke". Even men who get married and say they want kids often end up doing less, behaving selfishly, divorcing and refusing to pay maintenance, etc etc.

Women do bear the lions share of the financial and practical burden of children. It’s certainly not fair.

Why do you think that the mans chocoe ends at sex, but women get the option of the morning after pill, weeks to abort and then to put the baby up for adoption?

Because it's the truth. Do you not understand how biology works?