Childcare equals work?

[CurlyHurlyWurly]

I've just had a row with DH, where he came home from his work, and I was tired from looking after DS all day. After having put DS to bed, I cooked dinner and started hanging up laundry, and asked DH to help folding his clothes that have been sitting there for a week. "I'll do it in a bit, I just want to sit because I've been to work all day," he said. "So have I!" I said. "Bo**ocks!" he shouted.

So AIBU in thinking me looking after DS all day is the same as DH going to work?

I also have my own business, and have to juggle working from home with childcare and household chores. I'm fuming, and feel the lack of respect is unreal.

Kursk yes weekends and holidays are family time for us too (as well as evenings), but stuff still needs doing - cooking, for example. Assuming op has done all the cooking, cleaning and childcare during the week, does she get a bit of a break at weekends while her dh takes some of the load? Or does he say 'sod that, I've been working all week, I want a break'? Because in our house while weekends and holidays are 'family time' we also take an equal share of whatever else needs doing, even when I was on maternity leave. Same for evenings.

@GrockleBocs

I used to go to work for a rest when mine were little.

So did I. Drinking tea when it was hot, nobody touching me and even opportunities to be alone! It was a break.

And if anyone had told me I had it easy when DS was feeding hourly leaving me 20-40 minutes between feeds to get things done like doing the washing and feeding myself I'd probably have lost it completely with them.

Exactly. Since when did SAHM = do everything at home for both partners as well as look after the children all day?

mirime Me too, I think if someone had said that in the first 6 months to me I wouldn't be able to control my actions

Couldn't believe the poster that alluded breastfeeding to making life harder for yourself. So insulting....

Yellow. It is often an agreement that one party stays at home - at least for a while even if it's just Maternity or while children are v young. I don't see that as being kept. I some ways, it's more financially viable than expensive childcare AND more practical than having to come home to all the stuff.

I do not think that because one works, he gets to do nothing else. Presumably he didn't do that before when his wife was in full time work. A time where she was less busy because there were 2, not 3 of them plus a pt job. I'd say she were busier now and needed more input

Why do you do his laundry? Who did it before he met you?

Eh? Why wouldn't you? Who would be so petty to make each person do their own laundry! What a great advert for marriage.

I hate this whole my life is harder than your life game. Makes for a shit relationship I imagine.

Being taken for granted and treated like a servant by your h makes for a shit life too.
Of course it's petty to never do anything for your spouse when you could easily do it along with your own stuff, but no man is entitled to have his laundry done by their sah wife. Her 'job' is childcare. The minute he stops appreciating her doing nice helpful things that make his life easier, is the minute it should stop!

He should have helped you to fold the clothes and have done more in the evening to help out. Fair enough have a sit down for a while after work. No good arguing who works the hardest though. IMHO.

Gandalf - just to add a bit to the first part of your post. It could also be the case that a couple have agreed that they believe that it is in the child's best interest to have a parent at home. If that is their honest belief then to facilitate that someone will probably have to take at least some time out of the workforce. This is as much of a sacrifice (if not more) for the SAHP to make than the partner who stays working but they both get the benefit of bringing their child up in their preferred method. Not everyone agrees that having a parent at home is better and that's fine, but for those of us who do this is often a sincere view that is focussed on the child not the parent.

As Starmix said earlier, looking after children can be what you make of it to a certain extent. If as a family you agree an approach that is more labour/effort intensive for the SAHP because collectively you agree it's worth it then the other partner can't complain when the housework is left over at the end of the day.

Childcare is a fucking job.

You're a mother, a cook, a cleaner, a laundry person, a taxi driver, a negotiator during arguments etc, and a source of emotional and physical affection for EVERYONE, including mr who thinks it's not work.

So next time he says it's not work, stop doing the work you're supposedly doing, and see what happens.

Personally I found going to work infinitely less draining than being at home with the DC & related tasks & general dog's body & coordinator.
Which is never ending.
Even the commute (sitting mindlessly, reading, sleeping in a bus or train ) was a break between work & arriving home to cook dinner. etc

Your DH should try to reverse the roles & see for himself

Battle being a mother, or a source of emotional support isn’t a job

And doing laundry or cooking is basic self care. Just because it can be outsourced doesn’t mean it’s a job.

If it's basic self care then there's no reason for the husband not to be doing his!

That’s irrelevant to whether it’s a job. Washing is basic self care but plenty of people don’t bother with that either

Of course childcare is work. I don't spend great swathes of my life picking up endless toys/bits of food/clothes etc off the floor for fun. Just because it was all put there by people I love doesn't make it less drudgy. I work from 5pm until midnight, on my feet, after a 7am start with a school run, and a full day with a tantrumming terrible two-er who needs to nap but doesn't want to, who will climb the bookshelves or empty the cupboards or torment the cat or put toys down the loo the moment my back is turned. (The bookshelves are fixed to the wall. The cupboards are un-child-proof-able as our house is rented. The cat will take so much then scarper. She knows how to unlock the bathroom door from the outside). Believe me, I go to work for a rest.

Work just means anything not fun in this scenario. The not fun and fun time should be equally shared.

Havent read all the replys because im soooo busy (not) but im practically a sahp (only work a few hours in the evening cleaning offices) and think its an absolute doddle compared to a paid job. House is spotless, everythings done before husband gets home, i get excersise, help out with our online shop (picking and packing lego), meet friends for coffee ect... life is sooo bloody easy!! Husband works a very hard and long full day and although its not physical its mentally draining and having the responsibility to provide fully for our family im actually really greatful (i still do nag sometimes though). He helps out a little (more to do with the child eg feeding bathing in the evenings ect) but i dont expect much and why should i when im looked after so well?

@littlebitshort...wow, well isn't your life just perfect.

so im happy with my life and not moaning and i get shot down...yea thanks for that!

@littlebitshort nothing wrong with being happy with your life. Posting a goady reply on a thread where op is clearly feeling frustrated is just being smug imo, and not very nice.

Op has asked if we think childcare equals work and in my opinion and in my case i absolutely think it does not and have given reasons why. So i have given her my own personal answer. I have not had a go at her or said that in her case that she is right or wrong or given her my personal opinion on her personal life but have simply given my own example.

@littlebitshort...haven't read all the replies because I'm soooo busy (not)

Sure, you keep telling yourself your comments weren't goady 😂

Some how I'd put money on you not being as happy as you are trying to make out, but that's just MY opinion.

Sorry for having an opinion that is different to any one else

@Cherrycokewinning bollocks.

Of course they're jobs. They require labour, physical or emotional. You can pay people in the outside world for each of them.

They don't do themselves, hence they're work.