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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Childcare equals work?

208 replies

CurlyHurlyWurly · 08/01/2018 20:23

I've just had a row with DH, where he came home from his work, and I was tired from looking after DS all day. After having put DS to bed, I cooked dinner and started hanging up laundry, and asked DH to help folding his clothes that have been sitting there for a week. "I'll do it in a bit, I just want to sit because I've been to work all day," he said. "So have I!" I said. "Bo**ocks!" he shouted.

So AIBU in thinking me looking after DS all day is the same as DH going to work?

I also have my own business, and have to juggle working from home with childcare and household chores. I'm fuming, and feel the lack of respect is unreal.

OP posts:
FitBitFanClub · 08/01/2018 21:13

he'd have another thing coming.
It's another "think" coming.

Original poster
CurlyHurlyWurly · 08/01/2018 21:14

Yellow but I am looking after the house as well as our child, I just asked for help folding and putting away clothes. Surely that's not unreasonable?

I left a pile of his clean clothes on a chair because I'm sick of always doing it, and he rarely (never) puts them away himself (as demonstrated today).

DS is only a few months old and I'm BFing so I understand that I have to be the primary carer of our child for now, but even moreso, I'm up every few hours during the night too so expect DH to pull his weight in with chores!

OP posts:
gillybeanz · 08/01/2018 21:16

I have posted about this before but I can't understand why we seem to be going backwards.
We had our first in 1991 and before internet so relied on magazines to inform about childcare.
There were so many articles about "Modern Man" and how he was expected to muck in with the family when he got home.
Cooking dinner one night, bathing kids another, and how he was expected to take over whilst "Mum" got a break.
My dh and all my friends dh did more than their fair share and wouldn't think about relaxing until their partner could too.

Who has raised all these men to be useless and thoughtless.

Bananamanfan · 08/01/2018 21:16

YANBU at all. It makes it worse that it is unpaid & totally socially acceptable to demean sahp.

Brokenbiscuit · 08/01/2018 21:18

Give me a day in the office any day over a day at home with the kids!!!

I always feel a little sad when I read stuff like this. I guess it depends on how many kids you have and how difficult they are, but I've always considered my time at home with dc to be leisure time and not work! I love spending time with my dc!

Whether caring for one child at home is as tiring as a day at the office obviously depends on the child and on the job. For me, there has never been any contest - looking after dc feels like a doddle in comparison to my demanding job. However, if you're caring for a child with unusually challenging needs, for example, I guess that would be a lot more stressful and tiring than a fairly straightforward, low-level admin job or similar.

OliviaMansfield · 08/01/2018 21:19

I used to go to work for a rest when mine were little.

This!!

You need to leave him home alone with ds and probably a list of the days chores more often.

RavingRoo · 08/01/2018 21:19

Really depends on what you do all week. If the child goes to childcare. If you have a cleaner or a gardener. Most SAHP do it because it’s generally easier to stay at home with a child than try to juggle work with childcare commitments.

expatinscotland · 08/01/2018 21:19

'Why did you leave clothes sitting there for a week?'

Why did he?

PasstheStarmix · 08/01/2018 21:22

RavingRoo I thought OP was on maternity leave? Her baby is a few months old. The fact she is working as well is more than most as usually people take 9-12 months.

JustCallMeJanet · 08/01/2018 21:22

Why the fuck are you doing his washing then? My teenagers wash, dry, fold and put away their own washing, without being reminded. If they run out of clean clothes, tough.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 08/01/2018 21:25

Maybe he's sick of being the main provider and having to go to work every day but has no choice. Putting away his laundry would have taken minutes, leaving for him after work seems petty.

Of course men should pull their weight, both sexes should. If one opts out of working so the other has too then it's not unreasonable that the other doesn't do the house stuff as to do both means the person at home is doing barely anything house or financial wise.

JustCallMeJanet · 08/01/2018 21:26

*'Why did you leave clothes sitting there for a week?'

Why did he?*

It's the typical 'mental load' of tying oneself in knots because things aren't done to a woman's exacting standards.

InionEile · 08/01/2018 21:26

Don't know why you're getting a hard time on here, Curly. Looking after a baby full-time is hard work, especially when you are up at night too. It's totally reasonable to feel tired after a long day. And your DH should be doing household chores in the evenings, like any adult living in a house does.

That said, it's also reasonable for him to want to do the laundry folding in his own time when he feels up to it, not the instant he has eaten dinner. He could have just said 'I'll do it later' though rather than making the dig about having been at work all day, with the implication then that you've been sitting around doing nothing. That would have annoyed me too.

FitBitFanClub · 08/01/2018 21:28

it's also reasonable for him to want to do the laundry folding in his own time when he feels up to it,

Yeah. And that's probably why it's been left sitting there for a week.

Winebottle · 08/01/2018 21:28

It is a responsibility but not work. To me work is something that you don't want to do but you to it for money.

I think you have to look at the division on a case by case basis. You have to look at intensity as well as duration. I don't agree that having your child with you for 12 hours=12 hours childcare=12 hard labour.

Childcare brings value to the family as work does and it is up to the couple to decide what is reasonable. You need to talk about what demands you have and he has and come to an agreement. Whether it is childcare or work, people like to exaggerate how much they have to do while doing fuck all.

Personally, I find childcare much easier than work. It's neither physically or mentally demanding. But everyone is different and others find childcare stressful and would rather be at work.

Originalfoogirl · 08/01/2018 21:28

Why is it so important to you that he puts his own clothes away? If he wants to leave them out, surely that’s up to him? And why is it so important that it is done right after dinner? Sounds like you picked a pointless battle.

FaceOddity · 08/01/2018 21:30

I don't think either of you are being necessarily unreasonable.

It is a reasonable request for you to ask your husband to help towards household chores and so he should.

It is a reasonable request for him to want to wind down for a while after work just to decompress.

What was unreasonable was his response of 'bollocks' when he made out you haven't been working all day as opposed to him being out of the home working. That was unfair of him.

I have been guilty in the past of getting at my partner for not doing housework when I've asked for him to do it. My nature is one where I like to get things tackled and feeling like a bit of a martyr sometimes but I know that's down to my own personality and I'm conscious of it.

The other side to me.... well after an hour commute home and picking up the kids from after school club and the childminders, sometimes I just want to have a brew and a sit down for 5 minutes before starting tea but that's due to the nature of my physical job.

I think somewhere between what you want to do and what your dh wants to do there is compromise somewhere. Perhaps saying 'ok well when you've had a bit of time to unwind could you please fold the laundry, i just feel a bit tired today? Thanks'

Him snapping at you was unfair. Be kind to each other and don't try to compete with who is more tired/stressed/whatever.

Hope you can work it out Thanks

Barbie222 · 08/01/2018 21:30

The fact that he shouted Bollocks means that he deserves a mouthful back. But I always found it a lot easier being with the kids at home than working and coming home to fold the laundry as well

Notso · 08/01/2018 21:31

I think if he can't be arsed to put his clothes away then that's up to him. I just leave DH's clothes in a pile on the floor on his side of the bed, he does the same with my stuff when he does the washing, same with the teenagers. We do the 7 and 5 year olds clothes for them.

I would say your both probably knackered with a small baby. I'd give yourself a bit more of a break and try and rest more when you can. Life's too short to be arguing over washing.

MillieMoodle · 08/01/2018 21:31

I think YANBU - it wouldn't take him long to fold the laundry but I'd probably have worded it to say 'would you mind sorting your laundry at some point tonight' and then leave him to it. I admit that I hate having to put clean washing away when I've just got in from work, even when I know DH has washed and ironed it, but I know I'm being unreasonable to hate it.

IMO the stresses of being a SAHP and a WOHP are so difficult to compare because they're so different. I had a year off with DS2 and whilst I loved every minute, it was so stressful at times. I'm now back at work full time and I find it hard to walk through the door and jump straight back into family stuff when I've been so busy all day I often haven't had time for even a couple of minutes break.

DH is a SAHD now and I'd say we share pretty equally. He washes and irons clothes. I wash towels and sheets and iron if necessary. I do shopping and most of the cooking. He feeds rabbit, I clean her out. He tends to hoover whereas I will dust, clean bathrooms and wash floors. Bins/dishwasher is done by whoever is there when it needs doing. He has a tendency to leave everything to me at the weekend which we have had some discussions about recently - he spent 10 years doing naff all and leaving it all to me so I am not going back to that again!

I think generally I'm on the fence here - both jobs are stressful, both jobs are tiring, both jobs are different so you both need to understand and be kind to each other.

But what would I know? I'm just a lawyer who sits on her arse all day Wink

GrumpyOldBagFace · 08/01/2018 21:37

I love spending time with my children and loved being at home with them but it is exhausting!

I'm back at work full time in an emotionally and mentally demanding job but it's a mega doss compared to being a SAHM.

FaceOddity · 08/01/2018 21:37

If one opts out of working so the other has too then it's not unreasonable that the other doesn't do the house stuff as to do both means the person at home is doing barely anything house or financial wise.

^^

This makes no sense. Lots of people work FT and still have to maintain a house. Just because one opts out of paid work or whatever you define as 'working' doesn't mean they should be lumbered with everything house related. What about weekends when both partners are at home in a many cases? I don't believe it should be the sole responsibility of the person who doesn't go out to paid work. It's a 1950s attitude which only reinforces the stereotype that the sahm should be Home-maker/caregiver and nothing more. Angry

Tenroundswithmiketyson · 08/01/2018 21:39

I don't think because one works longer hours they should get to do nothing. This often happens after starting a family. Before, when both parties worked, it was a team effort. Just because you are at home it doesn't mean you are not busy

FaceOddity · 08/01/2018 21:40

What @Tenroundswithmiketyson said

FaceOddity · 08/01/2018 21:41

Also I'd say OP works longer hours because she is on call 24/7 with a BF baby. That's very tough indeed.

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