Childcare equals work?

[CurlyHurlyWurly]

I've just had a row with DH, where he came home from his work, and I was tired from looking after DS all day. After having put DS to bed, I cooked dinner and started hanging up laundry, and asked DH to help folding his clothes that have been sitting there for a week. "I'll do it in a bit, I just want to sit because I've been to work all day," he said. "So have I!" I said. "Bo**ocks!" he shouted.

So AIBU in thinking me looking after DS all day is the same as DH going to work?

I also have my own business, and have to juggle working from home with childcare and household chores. I'm fuming, and feel the lack of respect is unreal.

I think it's pretty depressing that a mother of a baby who is only a few months old and is still breastfed, who also runs her own business is deemed by some people to have 'opted out of work'. What is the magic tipping point at which something becomes 'work' ?

YANBU. Announce tomorrow that you will be going off to work seeing as you are not appreciated and your husband can look for a nanny to do the job you've been doing all this time.

What was the problem with allowing him to sit down for a few minutes after arriving home from work?

Most of your post is a pretty fruitless argument tbh. You’ll get different responses depending on people’s experiences. Some people will say going out to work is a doddle and being at home with kids is the hardest job ever.

Personally I found being at home draining sometimes, and quite isolating and a lot of the stuff you do is repetitive. But I wouldn’t say it’s difficult or mentally challenging. And you can set your own standards so if you want to have a day doing nothing but chilling with your kids in your pjs, no one’s going to tell you off.

But the real issue is the conflict between you and your dh over this- it’s your family and your home and you need to find a balance that works for you both

If looking after children isn't work, then he can look after children every evening and weekend when he's not at work. Ask him how he feels about that!

Babies and toddlers is work. I'll take a day in the office any day. School aged children...not so much.

What an utterly depressing thread.

Man goes out to work 5 mins away. Wife looks after young baby all day, and works at her own job. She's also been up feeding during the night. Man gets home from work. Wife puts dinner on the table for him. Wife then asks for helps sorting his laundry that he's^^ ignored for a week already.

MN - why did you shout at him as soon as he got in the house, couldn't you have just folded it yourself, he just wanted to sit down for a few mins, you need to get a job if you want equality in the house.

FUCKING DEPRESSING

It would be interesting to see the response if a man posted this thread.... I don't understand why so many posters think breastfeeding and being a first time DM is a walk in the park and fills you with so much energy. I agree with pp it's very depressing to read...

If he can find someone to do the childcare that isn't you and wont be an employee .... ridiculous useless adult. He was having a whine at not bothering to sort his shit and a tantrum that he was called on it. Just say "bollocks to that" and go in the morning so he has to do all the house stuff. Hell. Go for a week.

These adults who think working FT exonerates them from any lifework, I always wonder who wiped their arses before they got married and decided that was the job of their spouse because she has a vagina.

Well I think he's very rude shouting "Bollocks" at you for a start. That would really upset me. Does he always speak to you like that?

It really doesn't matter about the precise terminology for what you do in the day - "work", "childcare" whatever and I've no idea why people on MN tie themselves in knots about this. The fact is, you are tired. Mainly because you are getting broken sleep. It's still quite early days for you. There is no need for him to respond aggressively.

OP, I have four DC and they're a bit older now and I'm a SAHM. I don't ask DH to do anything when he gets in because I don't feel as if I can somehow. Or in the mornings either. However, when they were babies things were more flexible as I seem to recall. When you're not getting sleep, everything is a blur, so he needs to recognise this. There is no "switching off" for you at this stage.

The comment from one pp saying to find work hard you'd have to be low level admin or similar was very demeaning as well.

easier rather

Yellow - you talk as if OP is sat on her arse doing nothing while her DH begrudgingly works.
I'm assuming that OP taking the leave was a mutual decision, which has saved her DH either the money spent on childcare or a career break while he does it himself. Op spends that time running round after a small child, BF, cooking, doing housework and working on her own business - is that supposed to be less tiring than what her DH does, or is it simply of less value because it's wifework? And as for "op chose to have the child" - again I'm assuming this was a mutual decision?
I have a job I enjoy - it's still work. And I find working 8-10 hours per day with a 1.5 hour commute less difficult than childcare and housework. (Not my kids, if that makes a difference, but no more work because they're not mine).

If I were the provider for a household, I would expect DP and I to split housework based on "active" hours - whether that's work, commute, childcare, housework or cooking. I wouldn't think the fact that I worked entitled me to expect anyone to have less free time than me so they can ensure our house is spotless, dinner prepped and that I shouldn't have to fold or put away my own clothing.

6-12 months were golden time for me, I honestly thought I had the whole parenting thing nailed.

Newborn: Fucking exhausting, I was a husk. Felt like I was repeating the same three hours over and over again.

6 months: Still tired from night waking but more down time during the day, baby was portable so I got out and about with him a lot.

12 months: Baby now moving, climbing, generally dicing with death constantly. Constant vigilance needed when out and about, slightly more relaxed set up at home. A bit of down time for naps.

2 years: Same as above but toddler is now fully intent on destroying everything in sight. Unable to follow instructions or be reasoned with. Less down time for naps.

3 years: Much less likely to eat marbles/climb bookshelves. Will usually stop destroying things when asked. BUT, constantly seeks my attention and has definite ideas about doing things his own way. I’ve never negotiated (given in) so much in my life. Don’t seem to sit still for more than five minutes. NO NAPS.

In summary: Childcare of one 3yo is equally as demanding as trying to get a bunch of reluctant 15 year old boys to do their GCSE coursework. But NO BREAKS.

I haven't rtft so apologies if I've missed it. But my response really depends on whether this is a standard reaction/ attitude or whether it's possible he just had a particularly bad day.

I don't actually view looking after your own child as 'work'. I think parents who do it all day every day aren't just sitting around drinking coffee and it certainly isn't easy, but I wouldn't describe it as work - because it's enjoyable and rewarding to raise a child in a way that most jobs aren't.

But that doesn't negate the fact that parenting is a two person job, as housework and other chores should be. Surely, when you have dc, you pitch in and do what's necessary, whenever needed? I don't think it's as binary as 'job/ work v childcare/ household chores' - particularly if you go on to have more than one child.

I remember having a period of adjustment after ds was born, punctuated by arguments with dh about him not doing enough of the right kind of things to contribute to the running of the household and his incorrect perception of what is involved in caring for a baby/ young child. Ultimately we found a balance over time and when I went back to work full time after maternity leave he got even more of a wake up call about what is actually required because i simply couldn't have gone back to work full time if he hadn't done an equal share.

Since dd was born it's been a much smoother transition because dh was already pulling his weight and he had much more first hand experience and appreciation for what is involved in caring for a child. My dh never held entrenched views about men's and women's work and is capable of cooking, cleaning and caring for the dc. But initially we did have differing expectations of each other that needed resolving.

Maybe he's sick of being the main provider and having to go to work every day but has no choice.

But then, there is nothing in any of OPs posts to suggest that he is the main provider. People have just assumed that.

OP is working too. She simply says she works in the creative industries, which can be very badly or very well paid. We also have zero information about DHs salary.

Maybe he's sick of being the main provider and having to go to work every day but has no choice.

And the flip side of this is that there are a frighteningly large number of men who on the one hand refuse to 'allow' their wives to work, because she should be looking after 'his' children and yet bemoan the fact that they are the only earner in the house.

I'm not saying that is actually the case in the OPs home, but it is sadly not an unusual occurrence either.

He might like half an hour to unwind after he comes in, but does he actually get up and get some things sorted after that time, OP?

My fiance and I have a nice division of chores, and I feel TONNES better if I whizz around the house and sort them all in the first half hour after I get home, then I can shower and relax all evening.

He, on the other hand, insists on having a break first... and then the break continues until bedtime, and his share of the chores stack up for a few days. (I refuse to do them for him, unless he is genuinely under pressure that week).

This won't be sustainable once we have kids though, and it's slightly worrying.

HeadDreamer if you have a cleaner of course it's going to be easier!

Personally for me, the person who is staying at home is responsible for child care and running the day to day house chores

I agree with this.

I don't think you can compare different stay at home situations. I know people who bottle feed from birth, feed babies jars/pouches and have lots of support in form of grandparents/relatives taking baby so dm can have a kip not to mention being blessed with an 'angel baby' that sleeps all of the time anywhere and everywhere. There's also those that breastfeed after difficult birth (continuing even through pain and mastitis), make all baby food homemade from scratch and don't have a single relative to call upon in times of utter exhaustion (and baby is high needs and very spirited). Some mothers live miles away so popping out not so easy of dh has the car at work for instance and others have luxury of a car and can zip anywhere quickly.

It's very easy to label the situation of others (situations we don't know anything about) as easy.

if

Personally for me, the person who is staying at home is responsible for child care and running the day to day house chores

So what about weekends/ holidays?