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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Childcare equals work?

208 replies

CurlyHurlyWurly · 08/01/2018 20:23

I've just had a row with DH, where he came home from his work, and I was tired from looking after DS all day. After having put DS to bed, I cooked dinner and started hanging up laundry, and asked DH to help folding his clothes that have been sitting there for a week. "I'll do it in a bit, I just want to sit because I've been to work all day," he said. "So have I!" I said. "Bo**ocks!" he shouted.

So AIBU in thinking me looking after DS all day is the same as DH going to work?

I also have my own business, and have to juggle working from home with childcare and household chores. I'm fuming, and feel the lack of respect is unreal.

OP posts:
FitBitFanClub · 08/01/2018 21:46

My best friend, who is a hospital consultant running a large department of nearly 200 staff, has always maintained that it was infinitely easier going to work than staying home with 4 dc. And as a teacher, with just 2 dc, I'd have to agree.
But, as adults, there is still "life-work" to be done at home. You don't get to opt out of that stuff, just because you go out to work. Or at least, if you're lucky enough to have someone at home who can ease the load a bit, then at least have the grace to be grateful and appreciative.

Bluntness100 · 08/01/2018 21:47

I'm on the fence here. I only was fullfime at home with mine when in maternity leave but no I didn't feel like I was working looking after my daughter and I never felt that at the weekends or evenings either. Or the days I worked from home and cared for her. I just never saw caring for her as work.

That doesn't mean it's easy far from it, or that it's not exhausting, I'm just not sure I'd clsssify looking after my own child as being At work and I'd struggle with anyone who told me they felt they were working by looking after their child, I'd think of it as an odd word. It's parenting and parenting can be hard yes.

FaceOddity · 08/01/2018 21:49

It makes me wonder how adults function if they work ft and find themselves separated from the stay at home partner. Do they just go to work and expect the laundry and dinner to be sorted themselves since they're not used to having to rely on themselves? Hmm

Brokenbiscuit · 08/01/2018 21:50

I'm back at work full time in an emotionally and mentally demanding job but it's a mega doss compared to being a SAHM

Wow! Your kids sound like hard work!

zzzzz · 08/01/2018 21:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PasstheStarmix · 08/01/2018 21:55

Bluntness100 Very well said

HeadDreamer · 08/01/2018 21:57

My kids are easy. I found maternity leave and the xmas so much easier than working. I have no problem looking after 2 (primary and preschool) and get cooking, cleaning and even some baking slotted in. Four days at work last week and didn’t get any cleaning done, or baking. So looking forward to having the cleaner back this week.

I find it fascinating people say looking after your own children is harder. Maybe if you have a lot of them?

GrumpyOldBagFace · 08/01/2018 21:58

Brokenbiscuit, there's no need to be catty. You're obviously a wonderful mum with great household organisational skills and you enjoy that job.

PasstheStarmix · 08/01/2018 21:59

'Also I'd say OP works longer hours because she is on call 24/7 with a BF baby. That's very tough indeed.'

FaceOddity I agree especially when they feed up to 12 times a day and sometimes 14 Shock I was relieved when it was time to wean and really don't miss those days. I do really miss the bf cuddles though, they were priceless!

LittleBirdBlues · 08/01/2018 22:00

It's fine for him to need a break and do whatever it is needs doing later. But it isn't OK to imply that your role isn't equivalent.

I work in a stressful (office) role, mental exhaustion is intense. Physically, I don't mind coming home and doing stuff in the house (such as folding laundry) as long as I can work in peace and quiet.

When I was on maternity leave with a 2 year old and a new born I was absolutely physically shattered by the end of the day.y husband would do lał the physically draining jobs while I did stuff that required sitting down (because maternity with young kids means you barely ever get to sit down).

But that's just me. You and dh need to discuss what you both need at the end of a day. Then try and find a way to give him what he needs and you what you need.

Thehogfather · 08/01/2018 22:00

Great post bluntness

LannieDuck · 08/01/2018 22:02

My OH and I both agree that our day of childcare each week is much harder than going to work.

OP - has your OH ever tried to work from home for a day AND do the childcare AND do the housework, as you do? Perhaps he should give it a try one day...

AnaWinter · 08/01/2018 22:03

Yanbu. Also Dh leaves his laundry pile up. I don’t like it hanging around the house so I put it in black bags in the wardrobe of the guest room after a while.

PasstheStarmix · 08/01/2018 22:04

I think some women are just those all cooking all baking all singing all dancing domestic goddess SAHM from magazines and tv commercials where as others are more suited to the working environment. What is easier for one person isn't necessarily for another. We're all different and thank god for that.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 08/01/2018 22:04

It makes me wonder how adults function if they work ft and find themselves separated from the stay at home partner. Do they just go to work and expect the laundry and dinner to be sorted themselves since they're not used to having to rely on themselves?

Adults that work full time without a partner at home simply get on with it, it's not hard to manage a job and a house. However if you are working to financially provide for another then they should do the house stuff in return at the very least. They can't expect to be kept and share the house work whist being home all day at the others expense.

If not settle for a man that expected me to work and provide for him whilst he was at home not working then thought I should do the house stuff when I got home. Nobody would.

It's quite sad how many refer to their children as "work" rather than simply being a parent and caring for a child they chose to have.

FaceOddity · 08/01/2018 22:07

I found mat leave with a newborn and a 2yo exhausting because of the differing needs of both. And the potty training of the 2yo was a nightmare. Work tires me out in a different way especially as youngest has been fighting a chesty infection for a while so no sleep for me. It's swings and roundabouts. In an ideal world we'd all have a perfect work/life balance.

ferntwist · 08/01/2018 22:08

YANBU. You’re his partner and child carer to your son, not his 24-hour housemaid! He should be doing his own laundry folding.

FaceOddity · 08/01/2018 22:11

@YellowMakesMeSmile

My post there was sarcasm. I have been a single ft working mum. And managed fine doing chores/commute and extremely physical job.

Hence it makes me wonder what people do when if they find themselves separated from a Sahp (usually down to not pulling their weight). Do they go to work and then come home to an empty house and expect dinner on the table? How do they cope??

FaceOddity · 08/01/2018 22:15

If not settle for a man that expected me to work and provide for him whilst he was at home not working then thought I should do the house stuff when I got home. Nobody would.

^^

I think we'll agree to disagree Yellow. I view housework as a team effort regardless of employment status.

greendale17 · 08/01/2018 22:26

We all know that feeling, nobody wants to be shouted at as soon as they step inside the house.

^I agree

BackforGood · 08/01/2018 23:01

I agree too.
Yes, both parents should pull their weight, but neither adult should be dictating what jobs are don at what time by the other adult.

Took us a while to realise that neither dh or I were right or wrong in having different ways of going about things. I do everything I need to do, then stop and don't expect to get up again. Dh, OTOH, likes to come in from work, have a cuppa, sit and sort of 'transfer' from work mode to home, and that is like a power nap to him, he will then get up and do stuff - for me, if I stop then I drop. It's different from each other, but both are fine. We worked a lot better once we realised that.

Graphista · 08/01/2018 23:04

As someone who has been a nanny, childminder, sahm, wohp (as a Lp too) I'd have given this twat both barrels! What you do op is just as tiring and just as important as his work AND you work longer hours, no proper breaks, no sick leave, annual leave etc

Some sahm enjoy it, it works well for them, it did for me. Some struggle with it for a variety of reasons - but a major factor in my life experience is whether the parent at home is supported and valued. And that's true for any occupation - if you feel undervalued and dismissed that's a pretty shit feeling.

IF that had been the first time op had asked for the laundry to be put away, I could MAYBE understood a little terseness, he'd been ignoring it for a week, and THEN completely dismisses op's input into THEIR home raising THEIR child. Fuck that!

I'm with the pps saying let him do it for a weekend (wake him at night too) see if he thinks it's a doddle then!

"They can't expect to be kept" kept?!!!!! But then again it's yellow 🙄

LunchBoxPolice · 09/01/2018 00:32

Yanbu.
My (ex) dh once said to me when I was on maternity leave "what do you do all day? Just sit on your fat arse while I pay the bills?". No dear, I look after our baby who has severe reflux, a milk allergy and an allergy TO BEING PUT DOWN. It was not fun.
Ds is now 3 and utterly gorgeous, exdh, on the other hand, is still a twat.

Coyoacan · 09/01/2018 05:32

Yellow you think that we cannot refer to any job that we enjoy as work? No matter how much you enjoy a job, it has its tiring and boring side to it and we need time off. Are do you think that everyone in paid employment is hating every minute of it? I get paid for my job and I enjoy it, does that mean I am not entitled to a rest?

Spikeyball · 09/01/2018 06:00

Looking after a child can be as demanding as a paid role. It certainly is for me in the school holidays.

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