About baby names and dh

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Dc2 is due in a week’s time. Dh and I have very different taste in names. He likes very classic names. I like what he thinks are unusual names, but what I think are actually pretty standard, just not AS classic as his choices.

For example, his favourites are:

James
Jack
Matthew
Lewis
Christopher

My favourites are:

Gabriel
Barnaby
Rupert
Wilfred
Felix
Milo

I’m sure everyone has their opinions on our respective lists, but these are our favourites.

So, I have been suggesting ‘compromise names’. Not my favourites, but more classic names which I can live with. For example:

• Christopher with Kit as a shortening - dh says he refuses to use the shortening Kit
• Miles with nn Milo
• Thomas
• Edward with nn Ted - dh said no way to Ted. I said fine, just Edward then with Ed / Eddie / whatever. He said no
• Marcus

He has rejected all of these suggestions.

With dc1, we were supposed to each choose a name, (I chose boy, he chose girl). Then, depending on what we had, (didn’t know sex till birth), we would use that name. But actually, now I think back, the name I “chose” wasn’t a favourite. It was a compromise name which I sort of liked but which dh also liked as he disliked all my favourites. His girl name was his absolute favourite girl name. I didn’t hate it, (he wouldn’t have used it if that was the case), but it was my least favourite of the names we were considering. We had a girl in the end, so used Dh’s favourite.

He then was really uncompromising about the middle name, (family name), which I didn’t like on its own. I wanted another name in between, as the vowel sound at the end of dd’s name and the start of the middle name run into each other. He said no.

I remember getting really upset about it when dd was about 10 months and asked dh if we could change her name to a longer version, (which I preferred), on the bc, but still call her the same, shorter name in day to day life. He said no and got upset himself that I wanted to change it.

Wibu to deliberately be as uncompromising as he is now? Am I being a childish dick if I do that?

I’m having a shit time this pregnancy, (not dh’s fault) and think that’s making me irrational about this. I’m doing that “I’m doing all the work here, so why don’t I get my favourite name” thing, (in my head only), which I realise is pretty childish. And actually he’s been amazingly supportive recently. Think I’m just very fed up.

There is a decent middle ground here that you are yet to find, but your choices are pretty far out and I say that as someone who lives in fancy pants NW London

My DH went through a book of 5000 baby names and said he hated them all!
I ended up suggesting a name (that is on your list actually) and he liked it! It was the only name we agreed on and were very pleased when baby came out a boy.
Keep trying!

I wouldn't worry too much about how the name might be shortened, these things have a way of "happening" without parents influence in my experience. Three of my four use a different shortening to the one we started out with.

YANBU. He picked the last one and refused to take your feelings into consideration so now it's your turn. Pick what you like and go the the registry yourself to do it.

He chose last time. You choose this time - it's only fair.

Out of your list I love Gabriel. Not massively keen on the others. My DS is one of your DH's choice. He hates it. Thinks it's boring.

It's not childish for you to stand your ground when he point blank refuses to compromise on anything at all, btw. You're doing the hard work here, you were totally overruled at every step the last time round- you need to stand up for yourself so that it doesn't become a source of resentment.

It’s not a compromise if only one person is doing it. The idea is to meet in the middle, not for one person to give in.

Ideally you’d find a name you both like but that’s obviously impossible if he rejects all your suggestions and stubbornly insists on his choices. If you really can’t agree on first name, it’s fair to name one child each I suppose (assuming you can have two) but I think the other parent should get to choose the middle name. I think he bullied you into letting him have his way for DC1 and he’ll do the same for DC2 if you let him.

Is he like this about other important decisions?

Going off your list would he not go for Wilfred, shortened to Will? People would mostly think it’s short for William - a pretty classic name so shouldn’t be too offensive to him and you sound like you’re happy to go with shortening baby names?
FWIW I love Christopher shortened to Kit!

One thing I don't understand is why you already want to shorten or choose nicknames.

I only want to do that as a compromise - he likes Christopher. I don’t really, but I do like Kit and could live with Christopher on the BC. I know dh thinks Milo is daft, so that’s why I suggested Miles on the BC but with Milo as a family nn.

Whoever said Angus etc. Yes, that was on my favourites list for a bit too! Dh strongly dislikes it. I’ve also suggested Fergus. He dislikes that too.

I really don’t get why he is against some of my compromise names, except that he knows a lot of adults of those names. I know umpteen men named James and Matthew. I’m sure dh does too.

It's so hard OP but I think you both have to scrap all the names you have so far and start over and try to find something you both like or something that's meaningful to both of you.

Btw, of the names you mentioned I like Gabriel, Milo, Thomas and Edward. You might also like Edwin or Edmund.

Good luck!

I quite like the combination of Christopher Rupert, or Christopher James. Have to say though that I wouldn't have Kit as a nickname as I don't like it.

He shouldn't be so uncompromising though. Don't let him back you into a corner.

How about William?

DH and I call our DC by completely different nicknames. It works fine and the child is completely adapted to it, as are all the other people/children who know us.

You have 6 weeks to name baby so put it out of your mind and focus on staying relaxed.

I don't think you can really specify nicknames in advance. You can call him Kit as much as you like, but if his classmates and friends end up calling him Chris, that is what his nickname will be.

You compromised massively last time and he got his way.
It's your turn.
Although in his defense, I don't really like any of your names either.
So it really is all a matter of individual taste.
He's sound like a bit of a knob if I'm honest!

He chose your first baby's name.
He also chose her middle name.
I imagine that your children have / will have his surname.
You are the one who is uncomfortable carrying your baby.
You are the one that will give birth to them.

Honestly? I'd say that it's completely your turn to choose. It would be nice if it was something you both liked but it doesn't seem like he's being at all flexible. It also sounds to me like you compromised far too much the first time round. Good luck with it all!

I had a bizarrely similar set of circumstances - similar right down to the fact that your dh's list of names is almost exactly the same as my dh's list; my list is almost exactly the same as your list and as compromises I suggested Christopher/Kit, Edward/Teddy and Miles/Milo.

It may just be a case of finding the right name - for some reason dh agreed to Felix - even though it's a less 'normal' name, dh really liked it. He then had a wobble over it being a less 'normal' name but I kept him on track by offering very 'normal' middle names!

We're having a girl this time and dh actually came up with a pretty unusual name all by himself!

Gabriel is a pretty common name now. I have a 20yr old one and know of many others; he will become a Gabe though.

Could you take any inspiration from movies or artists or something? We ended up with my sons name after watching Spiderman

He’s vetoed William for personal reasons which I do actually get. I love it though.

I think Gabriel and Felix are almost commonplace now, but Dh sees them as really wacky .

I might just wait till he’s born and see what he looks like as suggested.

I do hope you reach an amicable solution, OP. Naming a baby can be fraught with anxiety and conflict. On a funny note, my ex vetoed my favourite name and at the last minute claimed he loved it and it was his idea in the first place!

Good point about the last name- will the baby have a last name which comes from your family, or from DH?

Because if it's his family name, then 3 out of 3 of your daughter's names have come from him.

He now wants to choose 3 out of 3 of your second child's names.

If he is a 'nerdy' type, as you describe above, then I'm sure he'll understand that you (as the mother who has gone through tough pregnancies/ labour/birth) should be able to choose at least 1 out of the 6 names. The ratio is stacked very heavily in his favour.

I felt the same as you when we were thinking of names for our daughter. I had assumed he would say that it was my choice as I was going through the pregnancy but he didn’t feel the same! So I was a bit sulky and didn’t really engage with it.
He bought a book of baby names and went through circling all the ones he liked and putting stars next to the ones he really liked. Initially we didn’t know if she was a boy or a girl, but then when we found out her gender I went through the book and was surprised at some of the names he had circled and starred.
One of them was the name I hadn’t really considered, and I started to quietly think about the idea that as her name. I quickly realised that I loved it and thought it was her name for months before she was actually born. It’s quite unusual name but very much a classic at the same time, and everyone compliments her on it.
I’m very glad I didn’t get my first choice of name, Grace. I still love it, but Not as much, and three of her baby friends were called Grace.