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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About baby names and dh

232 replies

FuckOffDailyMailFools · 08/01/2018 11:48

Dc2 is due in a week’s time. Dh and I have very different taste in names. He likes very classic names. I like what he thinks are unusual names, but what I think are actually pretty standard, just not AS classic as his choices.

For example, his favourites are:

James
Jack
Matthew
Lewis
Christopher

My favourites are:

Gabriel
Barnaby
Rupert
Wilfred
Felix
Milo

I’m sure everyone has their opinions on our respective lists, but these are our favourites.

So, I have been suggesting ‘compromise names’. Not my favourites, but more classic names which I can live with. For example:

  • Christopher with Kit as a shortening - dh says he refuses to use the shortening Kit
  • Miles with nn Milo
  • Thomas
  • Edward with nn Ted - dh said no way to Ted. I said fine, just Edward then with Ed / Eddie / whatever. He said no
  • Marcus

He has rejected all of these suggestions.

With dc1, we were supposed to each choose a name, (I chose boy, he chose girl). Then, depending on what we had, (didn’t know sex till birth), we would use that name. But actually, now I think back, the name I “chose” wasn’t a favourite. It was a compromise name which I sort of liked but which dh also liked as he disliked all my favourites. His girl name was his absolute favourite girl name. I didn’t hate it, (he wouldn’t have used it if that was the case), but it was my least favourite of the names we were considering. We had a girl in the end, so used Dh’s favourite.

He then was really uncompromising about the middle name, (family name), which I didn’t like on its own. I wanted another name in between, as the vowel sound at the end of dd’s name and the start of the middle name run into each other. He said no.

I remember getting really upset about it when dd was about 10 months and asked dh if we could change her name to a longer version, (which I preferred), on the bc, but still call her the same, shorter name in day to day life. He said no and got upset himself that I wanted to change it.

Wibu to deliberately be as uncompromising as he is now? Am I being a childish dick if I do that?

I’m having a shit time this pregnancy, (not dh’s fault) and think that’s making me irrational about this. I’m doing that “I’m doing all the work here, so why don’t I get my favourite name” thing, (in my head only), which I realise is pretty childish. And actually he’s been amazingly supportive recently. Think I’m just very fed up.

OP posts:
Piffle11 · 08/01/2018 12:50

Sounds like he's trying to back you into a corner where you have to pick one of his. When my first DC was born we knew the sex and had a few names in common: DH liked my first choice but wanted it for the baby's middle name as it had strong family connotations and he had never wanted it as the first name. I had 3 other names, DH didn't like one of them but the other 2 ok ... for some reason we didn't use one of those (DC2 got both of them!) and instead DH came up with a name that I hadn't even considered. So our baby got this name, and tbh, I'm still not that fussed. It's a good name - one of your 'compromise' names - but it's just ok as far as I'm concerned. When DC2 came along we had our 2 'spare' names but couldn't agree on which way around ... in the end I just gave in and DH got his way. It def suits DC2, but that could be because we're so used to it! Bit miffed that I did all the birth thing and didn't get to pick either of my DC's first names. Out of your lists I prefer Jack James and Matthew: Felix is ok. I know a little girl called Milo (there's a female character in the Gene Kelly film An American in Paris, apparently). I think Wilfred might date in time: the same way as names like Edie, Ruby, Eva, etc might. They just seem to be of a particular time/period. But that said, it's your choice! But don't just let your husband get his own way by saying no to all your suggestions - get him to come up with a few.

juneau · 08/01/2018 12:52

My DH was like this too. He chose our first DS's name, because he insisted that our first son had this family name that he would not budge on. In the end I agreed as long as he was always known by a mutually agreed nickname. Fine.

With DS2 he said as he'd chosen DS1's name I could choose DS2's name ... except he hated ALL my suggestions (which were very similar to yours).

We eventually compromised on a name, but it wasn't one I'd have chosen - it was just the only one we could agree on. The one thing I was happy about was that DS2 got my grandad's name as his middle name.

You think you'll be able to name your DC certain names that you love - but it certainly didn't work like that for me. I didn't get to use any of the names I love. It sucks.

TakeTheCrown · 08/01/2018 12:52

Well he chose the first name, so this time it's your choice. Stop fretting about it! Just pick your favourite name from your list and that's that.

What he can do is offer you alternatives to see if you like any of them, but if you don't, you don't. Put it this way, "I'm doing all the work of carrying and birthing these babies. Shouldn't I get to name at least one of them?" If he says no, you have bigger problems than baby names.

Mamabear4180 · 08/01/2018 12:54

He's being an uncompromising dick. Just pick a name and tell him what it is! I actually could never name a child a name I didn't love myself so to me yadnbu! There's compromising and there's him..he's not even trying.

BashStreetKid · 08/01/2018 12:55

I sort of see where he's coming from with your choices. Rupert, in particular, is liable to make your son a laughing-stock these days.

Would you be able to compromise on, say, Celtic type names like Rory, Angus, Dougal, etc?

Zaphodsotherhead · 08/01/2018 12:55

With DD2 we thought we were having a boy and had names all lined up (we'd agreed just fine on DS and DD1). When she popped out a girl we were stumped totally. So I sat in the maternity ward with a 'name your baby' book, staring at this new little girl and going through the book, writing down any name I thought she looked like. When visiting time came I thrust the list of names and the book under DH's nose. There were only two names on the list that he liked.

She was nearly Callista. But we decided she looked more like the other name. Why not wait a while OP? You might feel less fraught when your baby arrives, and he might just look like a '.......'

PocketCoffeeEspresso · 08/01/2018 12:55

We didn't name either of ours until the very last minute (they had ridiculous nicknames for 6 weeks!) - we tried a couple of names on DS1 before we settled.

I tend towards more unusual names (with the only requirement that they be obvious to spell), DS1 has a (DP's) family middle name. DP, not so much.

I actually think that DP suggested both of our kids names in the end, but we also both had vetos, and because DP chose DS1's middle name, I had complete free reign over DS2's middle name. I only have one regret, and that was giving DS2 DP's surname, so we deedpolled it to mine later (DS1 has DP's surname) - which is a whole can of sexist worms, because you can only get the birth certificate changed if you want to change a surname to the father's name, not the other way round.

You need to decide if he's bullying, and won't compromise, or if you really can reach an understanding I think, and move on from there.

TrinitySquirrel · 08/01/2018 12:59

I am firmly in the camp of thinking that if you have to go through the pain in the arse that is growing a baby, pushing it out or having the sunroof cut open, then suffering with afterbirth hell, likely the majority of feeds, nappy changes and sick days, the damage to your potential career, even the hairloss and bone density changes and potential life threatening complications from having a baby... that you should get final say on the name of said child.

Many would disagree, but they can sod off imo.

lifechangesforeverinjuly · 08/01/2018 13:02

We're exactly the same on a girls name.. he says all my names are weird and unusual (they're really not - think Allegra, Matilda, Francesca etc.) he came out with 'why can't we just call her xxxx' which is a really 80s name which are ten-a-penny in people our age.

We have compromised and found a name now (even though we're yet to find out what we're having) but the latest is that it's a shortened version of a name, that is beautiful on its own but I'd like the full name on BC.

I think it's just a case of going back to the drawing board and writing down every name you come across and like - compare notes and I'm sure there's something in there you'll both agree on.

RedDogsBeg · 08/01/2018 13:04

One thing I don't understand is why you already want to shorten or choose nicknames.

Apart from that if he chose last time and used a name you are okay with for the first name and a family name you don't like at all for the middle name then this time you get to choose and he will have to accept it as you did.

LightDrizzle · 08/01/2018 13:05

He is BVU!
Just tell him you will not be using the names he has listed, that you think he being childish, and that you will make no more suggestions but are waiting for a list of at least 10 “compromise”names he could countenance that are not on his original list.

Looking at your respective lists, I know my husband would dislike yours on grounds of being posh and pretentious (I lean towards posh & pretentious myself a bit on the name front, I have a Constance from my first marriage) and I suspect your DH may feel the same, but your compromise names of Edward and Thomas are excellent suggestions in terms of being classic, not obscure, and not having strong class associations, so I think he is just trying to railroad you and it is very annoying.
If you were relentlessly sticking to the StJohn/Jolyon end of the spectrum, he might have a leg to stand on but you’ve shown yourself to be flexible.

pastabakewithcheese · 08/01/2018 13:06

He sounds a bit childish and stubborn OP...stand your ground with this one, seems like he's bulldozing your suggestions of a compromise too.

FreddieClaryHorshieLion · 08/01/2018 13:08

Btw, refusing to ‘compromise’ when your DH has clearly shown that he isn’t willing to do so isn’t childish.
It simply means that you’re standing up for yourself.

MikeUniformMike · 08/01/2018 13:09

I much prefer his suggestions.

RatRolyPoly · 08/01/2018 13:11

Hmmm, I've got a feeling that in our children's generation most of your names will be more common than many of your dh's to be honest. Gabriel, Felix and Milo in particular.

What about Lawrence?

Winebottle · 08/01/2018 13:12

I think the compromise names are a good solution. You need to agree what goes on the birth certificate but not what you shorten it to.

I'd agree to something long like Christopher because I don't think it is realistic to for friends and family to call him that. If he is going to call him by the long version that gives you first mover advantage on establishing the shortened version.

TakeTheCrown · 08/01/2018 13:12

I'd say that Gabriel is quite a classic name?

Viviennemary · 08/01/2018 13:12

His are a bit boring. But yours are a bit wayout for my taste. Wilfred is simply awful. And Felix is a cat's name. I prefer his as they are OK. You need to come up with more names.

diddl · 08/01/2018 13:13

I'm biased as I prefer your names, Op although not keen on Rupert or Wilfred.

Henry
Richard
Michael
Laurence
Jethro
Hugo
Arlo

amusedbush · 08/01/2018 13:13

I don't like any of your chosen names, I'm definitely much more on your DH's wavelength but the fact is you both need to be happy.

He sounds like a bit of an arse to be honest, the way he just digs his heels in and says "no, no, no" without even trying to compromise.

Inertia · 08/01/2018 13:14

He chose the last one, you choose this one- seems fair!

Friends of ours couldn't decide on a name- but as soon as the baby was born, the mum said (in her native language) "Hello Sarah*", and her husband agreed. You might find that you decide on the name once the baby's born.

*Not actually Sarah!

LightDrizzle · 08/01/2018 13:14
  • just adding a massive generalisation here, but I think a lot of men are more conservative about things like names, because of their experience, first or second hand, of teasing and bullying at school. Not standing out was a big thing. However there has been a massive culture shift and almost any school will have a much bigger range of names now than it had in the 1980s or 1990s. I can hear my DH saying “Can you imagine the poor lad when he gets to school?” - thinking back to his, very rough school where having a “weird” name, being ginger, wearing thick specs, not being able to run or play sport were all likely to mark your card for special attention until you proved yourself handy with your fists. Poor little sods!
Uptheduffy · 08/01/2018 13:14

Dc1 - Dh chose first name (which I didn't much like, but now couldn't imagine anything else) and I chose second.
Dc2 - made it clear from start I was choosing, DH got to pick middle name.
I'm not use why a compromise name is necessarily better than a name at least one parent really loves.

TakeTheCrown · 08/01/2018 13:14

I'd agree to something long like Christopher because I don't think it is realistic to for friends and family to call him that

But then he can easily veto Kit and insist people call him Chris. If the OP doesn't like that it still remains very unfair to her. Two children with names she doesn't like? If her DH is birthing them through his penis, yes. Otherwise, no. It's not on.

FairfaxAikman · 08/01/2018 13:14

If there is a name you can live with where he likes the long form and you the short maybe go for that and let him use the long form - DGF to this day calls my DF and his younger brother by their full name, everyone else (including DGM) uses the short form.