Horrible argument, am I being childish or is this something to be concerned about?

[Mulch]

Sorry this may be long winded. Agreed with oh that I will go gym in morning, he'll drop lo off at nursery. Wanted me to get him dressed and ready, got all his stuff out night before. I don't drive he does, its 5mins in car for him 1.5hr for me to drop off and get to work.

Sooo I go gym, him and baby are both asleep. Other half is self employed so comes and goes as he pleases. Night before said he wants to be gone for 7:30. As they're both asleep at 6:50 I just leave. At gym get an angry phone call saying he's leaving soon as I get in, very angry I didn't get him ready.

In the evening I'll be spending 1.5 picking him up and doing his bath, also all the household stuff and my uni work.

He's really angry, I got back just before 8 from gym so would literally not have time to get baby to nursery and work whereas is takes him 5mins. The amount of time he spend arguing on phone he could have got him ready, its just a matter of getting him dressed and in car. This is the only child care he's doing today.

My reaction probably wasn't ideal. I stood in front of door to stop him going, he tries to push me out way. He then says ok get him ready and I'll take him but jumps in car to leave....I then sit in passenger seat and he drives off while we argue leaving baby alone in the house with the door open.

I'm crying telling him his reaction isn't normal, he went round the block but it was scary thinking what could have happened. I know I shouldn't have jumped in car with him but I was really mad that it was all being left to me and I'll never make it to work on time whereas it takes him 5mins and that's the only child related care he's doing that day

I think his realised he was behaving ott so then sat and waited while I got baby ready. It was a horrible argument.

What kind of man throws a tantrum because his wife doesn't "get him ready" in the morning?

The kind of man whose wife has agreed to do it then sneaked off without doing it because she thinks she can manipulate him into being the one whose late when it was her who didn't bother to leave time for her agreed job?

When one person can drop a child at a nursery in 5 minutes, and the other person would take 90 minutes to do the same, it's obvious that this task should fall to the former person's share. It's just not reasonable to refuse in those circumstances

If it's unavoidable lateness yes. But if that person has been deliberately sneaky by prioritising something they want to do and ditching their agreed part of the childcare without giving their partner sufficient notice for them to stop it impacting on them then that person should take the fall.

The OP sneaked out because she thought that by the time her partner realised she'd be gone and he would be forced to be late to work because she had run too late to do the job she agreed. He called her bluff and waited until she got back. I agree with him on this. If one person has knowingly made the other late by fucking off to the gym without doing what was agreed or without warning them then the delay is their problem even if it takes them ages.

Yes, leaving a baby alone and unattended is not right. OP knows this. But her partner was more in the wrong. It's a sign of how fucked up this relationship is, though.

Work is only 15mins away from where I live, if I do nursery run it adds alot of time in the morning so it makes life alot easier if he does it

If that's the case, why isn't it a standing arrangement that he takes him every day if you genuinely can't find something closer.

Also a 45 minute walk is further than a 5 minute drive surely? 45 minutes is about 3 miles, if not more.

Do you HAVE to go to the gym at that time? I know it's not the point but if oh is proving to be shit at doing his bit in morning maybe you could juggle things around so you know won't be that situation again then maybe reassess if you want to be together

There are a huge number of, sorry to say, but men who treat their children as chores. You see it on here all the time. They've been at work, so need some "down-time" when they get in (never mind if their partner has also been at work). If it's such an effort for them to take care of their own child, then why is it perceived as something women should do without complaint 24/7?
You should be able to go to the gym first thing in the morning, safe in the knowledge that your child's other parent can take over and get him to Nursery, dressed and breakfasted. Millions of men do exactly that every day of the week.

if oh is proving to be shit at doing his bit in morning maybe you could juggle things around

Or, how about he could get some practice in. That's exactly how so many men wriggle out of their responsibilities towards the less fun parts of parenthood.

I went to the gym this morning as I won't be able to this evening. He's not back tonight so it's me for the next few days doing everything. he would normally be here a few days but his dad's going away and during that time he'll stay with his mum as he doesn't want her to be alone

That doesn't alter the fact you should have woken him up to tell him he needed more time to get ready.

You just swanned out without a word knowing you were making him late and knowing you could have done something to prevent that.

Well I can't change that now, have you anything constructive to add? It was a horrible argument and I'm at a loss as to where to go with it.

Who’s idea is the gym op? Is it yours or has your dp been making comments about your weight?

Who’s idea is the gym op? Is it yours or has your dp been making comments about your weight?

Oh sweet Jesus.

Women can go to the gym because they want to y'know?

OK, so in this instance you agreed you'd get the baby ready, so he has a reason to be miffed that you hadn't done it.
But why did you that part have to be negotiated in the first place? Why, in order for him to "do you a favour" and parent his own child by taking him to Nursery, did you have to help him by doing half of the job?
He's off doing other things most of the week - the least he can do when he is there is to step up and try to make some sort of difference.

I think it's obvious that your P needs to look after his own son on the days you are at work to get him up, dressed, drop and nursery and collect.

It is ridiculous to spend 2 hours per day when it would take him 20 mins. It's called parenting as a team.

If you can't work together then you'd be better off apart and when your P has his son it's for overnights where he gets his arse in gear and does it all!

He doesn't want his mum tho be alone but he's ok with his dp doing a 1.5 hour trip. Priorities are wrong.

Yea he wants me to lose weight and does comment on my appearance but at the same time I also want to lose weight. I have a complex relationship with food/exercise, I lost abit this year and still have some to go after having baby. I tend to be very gung-ho about things so I lose sight alot of what's normal when it comes to food/weight it's always one extreme or the other. When I go to the gym it's all weights so I class walking as my cardio.

it was a horrible argument and I'm at a loss as to where to go with it.

How about starting with an apology ?

Admit where you were at fault to him. Talk calmy about how bad this situation turned out and how it must never happen again.
Make sure you both agree to talk about issues in the future like adults, to make sure nothing like this ever happens again in the future.

My dh developed this annoying habit a while ago of turning everything into a two-person job. So he'd put the bins out, but could I "just" go round the house and empty the waste baskets first, and so forth. So I started doing the same thing - I'd cut the grass if he would get the mower out and put it away again afterwards.
He got the point. Pick a job and do it properly (unless it really is one that two people need/want to share).

How about starting with an apology

They both need to acknowledge how this escalated and apologise for their part in it. And I would go back further to the seeds of where this started, which is that he appears to be cherry-picking the parts of parenthood he's prepared to do.

I think if you said you were going to get him ready you should have, But there are bigger problems here, Your relationship is completely toxic! Your poor child, You shouldnt be together.

They both need to acknowledge how this escalated and apologise for their part in it. And I would go back further to the seeds of where this started, which is that he appears to be cherry-picking the parts of parenthood he's prepared to do.

Yes, this.

Whenever we argue its never been this bad but I get fed up with it. He ignores me and disappears until I apologise. His parents are exactly the same his dad stays in bed sulking until his mum who's been worn down to be completely passive and says yes to everything gives in. I suggested counselling but he said no just sort it out between ourselves yet it's just escalating and getting worse.

I think you should have got baby ready like you said you would. But you both massively overreacted here. If i was your DH I'd be annoyed that you didn't, but would still have just put clothes on baby in your absence. If i genuinely didn't have time, I would leave straight away when you got back knowing i was being childish, but would not expect you to do what you did and jump in the car leaving baby - that is beyond childish.

What happened today needs to be put across to him as a make or break, then.
Either that or you decide to break on your own.

If you are fed up of it now. What are you considering?

I'm thinking that if OP had woken him, she would've ended up getting baby ready/looking after baby whilst he got ready & then the gym would have been out of the question.

"Why, in order for him to "do you a favour" and parent his own child by taking him to Nursery, did you have to help him by doing half of the job?"

Well, that's the question, isn't it?

I still don't get why at 6:50am when they were still asleep, and you knew he wanted to be gone by 7:30am did you not wake him? That does not make sense? That obviously pissed him off and set the tone for the morning.

As for you trying to stop him leaving, then getting in the car, and him driving off, leaving baby alone! That's irresponsible and damn right dangerous! It only takes seconds for something to happen to a child? Where was he when this happened?

You both seriously need to grow up and start acting like parents not bloody school kids! Out of interest how old are you both?