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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Horrible argument, am I being childish or is this something to be concerned about?

309 replies

Mulch · 08/01/2018 08:27

Sorry this may be long winded. Agreed with oh that I will go gym in morning, he'll drop lo off at nursery. Wanted me to get him dressed and ready, got all his stuff out night before. I don't drive he does, its 5mins in car for him 1.5hr for me to drop off and get to work.

Sooo I go gym, him and baby are both asleep. Other half is self employed so comes and goes as he pleases. Night before said he wants to be gone for 7:30. As they're both asleep at 6:50 I just leave. At gym get an angry phone call saying he's leaving soon as I get in, very angry I didn't get him ready.

In the evening I'll be spending 1.5 picking him up and doing his bath, also all the household stuff and my uni work.

He's really angry, I got back just before 8 from gym so would literally not have time to get baby to nursery and work whereas is takes him 5mins. The amount of time he spend arguing on phone he could have got him ready, its just a matter of getting him dressed and in car. This is the only child care he's doing today.

My reaction probably wasn't ideal. I stood in front of door to stop him going, he tries to push me out way. He then says ok get him ready and I'll take him but jumps in car to leave....I then sit in passenger seat and he drives off while we argue leaving baby alone in the house with the door open.

I'm crying telling him his reaction isn't normal, he went round the block but it was scary thinking what could have happened. I know I shouldn't have jumped in car with him but I was really mad that it was all being left to me and I'll never make it to work on time whereas it takes him 5mins and that's the only child related care he's doing that day

I think his realised he was behaving ott so then sat and waited while I got baby ready. It was a horrible argument.

OP posts:

RavingRoo · 08/01/2018 08:41

Why did you agree to get the baby ready in the morning if you didn’t want to do it? You should have said so thus giving him the opportunity to wake up early.

And you made a shitty situation worse: the appropriate way to deal with this kind of argument is to focus on the baby. Never, ever let the baby come to harm because of a row.

strugglingtodomybest · 08/01/2018 08:42

It depends, did your OH need to be in a meeting by 7.30am? Is so, YABU. If he had no urgent reason for leaving then he was unreasonable.

But as you say I think his realised he was behaving ott so then sat and waited while I got baby ready. Then it was him being unreasonable.

He was being childish, not you.

lightcola · 08/01/2018 08:42

If that was me I would have got the baby up and dressed as arranged and woken my partner up. You were both in the wrong and incredibly selfish.

Whinesalot · 08/01/2018 08:44

How can he let you spend 1.5 hours doing something that takes him 5 minutes? Why is it your job to get him dressed? It should be shared unless you have a lot more time than him. Even then, at times like this gym thing, he should be doing it.
The relationship sounds very dysfunctional. Presumably the op didn't expect him to actually drive off and leave the baby alone. I should imagine she got in the car tho stop him going of to work leaving her to be late.
Maybe the op needs to look at her communicating style as that doesn't seem ideal but tbh he sound an absolute arse and I'd ltb if my dp behaved like that.

Whinesalot · 08/01/2018 08:48

He should be dropping the baby of every single day if he is self employed. No decent dp would see their partner struggle for 1.5 hours when they could do it in 5 minutes.

waterfall0119 · 08/01/2018 08:48

OP you’re not a shit mum, one incident does not a shit mum make!
Like I said before, you made an error in judgement and were too rash but you weren’t to know he would put your child in danger by driving off! (Unless he has form for this) if you got in the car for a chat and left the baby in the house and he hadn’t have driven off, you wouldn’t be beating yourself up nearly as much.
He is a shit dad though: sorry but for anyone to do that and knowingly endanger their child is unforgivable.

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 08/01/2018 08:48

Did he set an alarm to get up at the time he wanted? If not why not? He’s responsible for that and yes he should have got the baby ready it really isn’t that difficult.

What happened next.... fuck. Have you ever had arguments like that before? He drove off with you in the car and left your son behind. To what, prove a point?

C0untDucku1a · 08/01/2018 08:50

Just read your previous thread on him. Op you need to seriously look at your future

marypopping · 08/01/2018 08:50

Why did you agree to get DS dressed in the morning but then you didn't? You left them both sleeping.

missyB1 · 08/01/2018 08:55

why is it OPs duty to wake and organise everyone in the house? Can the man not use an alarm clock? Can he not work out how to organise his own morning? Seems he's too used to just sorting himself out!

KatharinaRosalie · 08/01/2018 08:58

Yes you were both utterly unreasonable.

But it's also mindboggling that he can't get his own child dressed, and you spend1.5 hours doing something he could do in 5 minutes.

WellThisIsShit · 08/01/2018 09:01

Does he feel equally guilty and responsible for having put his baby in danger?

I suspect he’s happy to behave like a tw@t, as he expects you to be stopped by your duty to your baby. But this time you matched his behaviour instead of letting him use the normal fact that the buck stops with you.

Maybe I’m wrong and you both normally put your own selfish tantrums in front of your babys basic needs. But I hope that the baby has one parent who gives a flying fig about him...

Original poster

Mulch · 08/01/2018 09:02

I didn't think he was being serious when he messaged saying he was leaving without helping soon as I got in. I didn't think he'd drive off either. Baby is 1. I work 3 days a week, he doesn't live with us so I do the majority of child care. On the days I work it's 1.5 there and in evening so I'm always asking him to help

OP posts:

Chathamhouserules · 08/01/2018 09:02

I would have presumed he'd set an alarm if he needed to be out early so that he could get himself and his child ready. Maybe I would have nudged him to say, "don't forget you're taking dd to nursery. It's nearly 8" and then legged it to gym.

kmc1111 · 08/01/2018 09:03

It seems like you'd agreed beforehand that you would get your DS ready? If so I'm not quite understanding why you just left instead and didn't even wake your DH up to tell him he now had to get up earlier to get DS ready. Obviously your DH can do it, but if you'd agreed you'd do it then he wouldn't have been expecting to have to and wouldn't have given himself enough time.

Fair enough if he needs to pull his weight more, but tell him that. If you think he should be the one to get DS ready, say that. Don't say you'll do it then go to the gym while he's sleeping instead, leaving him with a surprise when he gets up.

Everything that happened after that is a deranged overreaction from the both of you.

WetsTheVet · 08/01/2018 09:05

Wow best hope your neighbours weren't watching and call the social services. I would have if I'd seen it, so I wouldn't be surprised if you are contacted.

InAPickleToday · 08/01/2018 09:05

You agreed to get LO ready, you didn't.
You knew your DP wanted to leave at 7:30 but didn't get back until 8.
You're DP should set an alarm, you are not responsible for waking him up.
You shouldn't have tried to block him.
He shouldn't of pushed you our the way.
You then chased him outside leaving your LO alone!
He should never of driven off.

BOTH of your behaviours were DISGUSTING! You should both be ashamed of yourselves and start putting your child first. Grow the fuck up, both of you.

Chathamhouserules · 08/01/2018 09:05

You're not asking him to help. It's his baby. Sorry but he does not sound like a keeper unless he's prepared to change or you're really happy to put up with this. I'm sure you could do better.

BeyondWW · 08/01/2018 09:05

He sounds like an arse.

Littlechocola · 08/01/2018 09:07

You both left your baby. Both in the wrong. Because of stupid point scoring you both left your baby.
He’s an adult and can get his son ready but you could have woken them. Not because you have to but because you should be a team.

You should both be ashamed.

londonrach · 08/01/2018 09:08

Your poor baby. Both of you need to grow up

Cabininthewoods69 · 08/01/2018 09:10

Get rid of him he sounds useless and nasty. You sound like your at your wits end. Are you doing to much with work and uni? Me and my now husband used to have childish arguments but never with the kids around and as they weren't around we would of had a drink to. These days we don't argue but as our dc is older things are easier and he has pulled his socks up a lot.

Please don't beat yourself up. It was wrong but now you need to move on from leaving your baby and concentrate on being a fab mum I guess you normally are. Your dp sounds awful and no good for your set up. So again think what's best for baby and go with that. Sending hugs

Eltonjohnssyrup · 08/01/2018 09:10

You should have got the baby dressed if that was what you'd agreed. If you really couldn't do it you should have woken him up when you left early to let him know he needed to do it.

This is a typical MN double standards thread. If a man had not done what he agreed and made a woman late for work plus refused to let her leave the house and tried to stop her from driving away everybody would be screaming abuse. And your attitude to him being self employed meaning you think he should just drop everything if you change your plans or decide not to do something is awful.

You both behaved terribly over the baby being left behind. Really, really awfully. You do sound like a toxic couple.

I read the other thread too and couldn't really see anything wrong apart from that you bicker about childcare.

Given you didn't do what you agreed this time and last time said it 'wasn't your turn' and you talk about having the baby 'all day' I wonder if he feels like you fob the baby off on him as soon as he comes home from work. You do seem to be making a lot of excuses about how important your time is and how unimportant you think his is.

C0untDucku1a · 08/01/2018 09:11

He doesnt live with you? Even easier. Have set days he has her and he can learn to be a parent then.

Op he wont get better. He is training you not to even dare ask him to parent.

ijustwannadance · 08/01/2018 09:12

You call him your OH, have a child, he was asleep in your house, yet you don't live together?

Is he the childs father?

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