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AIBU?

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Original poster

Horrible argument, am I being childish or is this something to be concerned about?

309 replies

Mulch · 08/01/2018 08:27

Sorry this may be long winded. Agreed with oh that I will go gym in morning, he'll drop lo off at nursery. Wanted me to get him dressed and ready, got all his stuff out night before. I don't drive he does, its 5mins in car for him 1.5hr for me to drop off and get to work.

Sooo I go gym, him and baby are both asleep. Other half is self employed so comes and goes as he pleases. Night before said he wants to be gone for 7:30. As they're both asleep at 6:50 I just leave. At gym get an angry phone call saying he's leaving soon as I get in, very angry I didn't get him ready.

In the evening I'll be spending 1.5 picking him up and doing his bath, also all the household stuff and my uni work.

He's really angry, I got back just before 8 from gym so would literally not have time to get baby to nursery and work whereas is takes him 5mins. The amount of time he spend arguing on phone he could have got him ready, its just a matter of getting him dressed and in car. This is the only child care he's doing today.

My reaction probably wasn't ideal. I stood in front of door to stop him going, he tries to push me out way. He then says ok get him ready and I'll take him but jumps in car to leave....I then sit in passenger seat and he drives off while we argue leaving baby alone in the house with the door open.

I'm crying telling him his reaction isn't normal, he went round the block but it was scary thinking what could have happened. I know I shouldn't have jumped in car with him but I was really mad that it was all being left to me and I'll never make it to work on time whereas it takes him 5mins and that's the only child related care he's doing that day

I think his realised he was behaving ott so then sat and waited while I got baby ready. It was a horrible argument.

OP posts:
FitBitFanClub · 08/01/2018 10:54

I suspect that the OP jumped in the car thinking that it would be a line he would not cross (driving off and leaving the baby alone in the house). But then he did exactly that, by which time she was snookered.

Original poster
Mulch · 08/01/2018 10:59

I thought he could manage it by himself. I'd done half the job for him getting clothes out and bags packed. He has breakfast at nursery so there really wasn't that much to do. He picks and chooses his own hours.

OP posts:
BeyondWW · 08/01/2018 11:00

I dunno about OP, but if my DH wasn't awake 40mins before he told me he had to leave, I'd assume he'd decided to get up (and therefore leave) later than planned. Especially as he is self employed and chooses what time he starts.

And if I woke him up when he'd decided to get up later, I'm sure he'd be really happy about that! I wonder if op has been "told off" before for waking him?

Original poster
Mulch · 08/01/2018 11:01

Baby was in cot still luckily he hadn't yet woke up. Yea I didn't think for one minute he would drive off, I'm still shocked he would actually just leave not taking him with him or atleast be prepared to wait while I got him ready when I got back. Puts everything in a new light, he'll basically ignore me now until I contact him apologising then he'll just Sweep it under carpet and nothing will change

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 08/01/2018 11:02

yes. Just that. She wanted him to stop and listen. She didn't expect or want him to drive off leaving the house door open and baby in the house. No one would expect that.
He did that to frighten her and teach her a lesson. and he did that to punish her for not obeying him, with no regard to the safety of his own child. What a total bxxxxxd. What a terrible parent he is. You should speak to someone in RL about this OP.
Whatever the wrongs and rights of who should have woken who and who was responsbile for waking baby and whether she should have gone to the gym or not - - She must have been absoluely frantic and scared about what he might do next time there's a disagreement.
. I don't understand why people are blaming her for his awful behaviour and people telling her to learn to drive is utterly ridiculous and missing the point.

BeyondWW · 08/01/2018 11:02

No breakfast? He literally had to put the child's clothes on?

I'm sure at a push the nursery wouldn't complain if he took child in PJs, apologised that he woke up late and asked if they could dress him?

badabing36 · 08/01/2018 11:03

So you trust him to look after the baby on his own, he can look after him but prefers to ‘negotiate’ with you about it. After you argue he sulks until you say you were in the wrong and he makes nasty comments about your weight.

You live independently already, why stay in this relationship?

BeyondWW · 08/01/2018 11:04

"he did that to frighten her and teach her a lesson. and he did that to punish her for not obeying him, with no regard to the safety of his own child"

Yy

badabing36 · 08/01/2018 11:07

oop Blush I agree with the above quote

blackteasplease · 08/01/2018 11:10

Yes I agree with that too.

He sounds horribly selfish and controlling.

blackteasplease · 08/01/2018 11:11

It's great that he doesn't even live there as you can end this much more easily.

PoisonousSmurf · 08/01/2018 11:12

He sounds as thick as sh!t. Can't dress his own child? You both sound like teenagers.

PoisonousSmurf · 08/01/2018 11:14

Also he's 'self employed'. Doing what? He's acting like a drug dealer and treating you like his hoe.

HonkyWonkWoman · 08/01/2018 11:17

Your relationship has very blurred lines. You describe him as your Oh and father of your child, yet he doesn't live with you. But he stays a few nights a week.

So if I understand correctly, you are together as a couple but he stays somewhere else most of the time.

I would suggest that you sit down and agree with each other the times and days that you are responsible for getting your child to the nursery.

Then stick to the arrangement.

53rdWay · 08/01/2018 11:17

I'd done half the job for him getting clothes out and bags packed.

So all he had to do was dress the baby in the clothes you’d already selected, something that takes, what, five minutes tops? That’s worth him throwing a tantrum over? Reconsider this relationship, OP. Sounds like he’s learned from his dad exactly how to deal with conflict.

Snowysky20009 · 08/01/2018 11:19

Sorry I have to pick up on something you said, you mentioned he had him all day Sunday but you got him ready and you put him to bed.

That's just basic parenting. That shouldn't be seen as a 'but I did these two chores'. When me and my exdp had our first (and we were both in uni with nursery runs and working part time, so I understand the pressure), we didn't keep count on what each other done. We would just agree- I will do this, will you do that? It's not about doing each other a favour, it's about the well being of a child. He's not an accessory.

Do you both keep tally on what you do for your child? I done X so you must do Y?.....

BeyondWW · 08/01/2018 11:20

I'd say getting clothes out and bags packed is considerably more than half of the job, btw.

Snowysky20009 · 08/01/2018 11:21

Oh and I asked you your ages because I wondered if there was a big age gap between you or something?

marypopping · 08/01/2018 11:21

I agree he should be helping more.

But....you did agree the night before that your would get DS ready, so why didn't you?

You just left them both sleeping. I can understand why he was annoyed when he woke up, you were gone and DS was still asleep.

You both behaved really badly.

Swissgemma · 08/01/2018 11:22

I think you are both to blame. My OH takes my DS to creche. However, I get up and get him dressed as on Creche days I have more time in the mornings. This morning I got up at 645am to get the small one dressed even though i didn't need to be up until 8am. You agreed to get your DS dressed, you knew your DP needed to get out at a certain time. You had agreed to help your DP achieve that by getting your DS ready - that would, for me, include waking your DS up in time.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 08/01/2018 11:22

I dunno about OP, but if my DH wasn't awake 40mins before he told me he had to leave, I'd assume he'd decided to get up (and therefore leave) later than planned.

He had planned to get up at the time he needed to for what he had to do. The OP changed that without telling him by buffering off and leaving him asleep.

All this happened because the OP got up too late to do her agreed part. But instead of letting him know or accepting she'd left it too late for the gym she just shrugged, walked out and decided to make it his problem.

She doesn't say he can't or won't dress the baby. Just that she'd agreed to do it this morning.

Fucking typical MN. If a man did this everybody would be calling him a bastard. If a man tried to stop his wife leaving the house or driving away he'd be an abusive wanker. But because it's a woman it's all his fault.

The OP was running late and she sneaked off so she could make her lateness his problem. That's not on.

BeyondWW · 08/01/2018 11:24

You use the word "sneak" a lot, Eltonjohn.

Nikephorus · 08/01/2018 11:26

If you'd got DS ready as you'd previously agreed then there would have been no argument (or appalling childish behaviour from both of you). The time to ask him to do that part of it was the night before, instead of agreeing to something that you presumably had no intention of doing. You can't just change your mind and expect others to change their plans with zero notice. He sounds equally pathetic but you're not helping if you're provoking him intentionally. Both of you should grow up and actually try communicating.

sadie9 · 08/01/2018 11:29

The communication between you two needs to be clear and explicit. You need to get each others buy-in and explicit agreement to what's happening. This is especially important in relationships like yours where you appear to resent each other and communication is poor.
You said he wanted you to have the baby dressed. You didn't want to do this, but you didn't tell him you weren't going to do it.
You had a different plan where you leave the house with both of them asleep and 'he can bloody do it, because he does nothing around here!'.
You didn't get the baby dressed and had no intention of getting the baby dressed because you felt he should do it. You didn't tell him you were feeling that way.
Do you two each normally decide in your own heads what's going to happen/what should happen, and then get annoyed with the other for not being a mind reader?
The argument is not whether your OH should have dressed the baby and taken him, or how much work your OH does.
The argument is about that you seemed to agree to something then didn't do what you agreed to do. Because you have unexpressed feelings and can't communicate clearly with him.

SheGotOffThePlane · 08/01/2018 11:36

You know what you need to do here OP. Don't apologisd or this cycle will just get worse.

Let him sulk and ignore you, and in the meantime sort this fucking mess of a relationship out in your head with a view to moving forward ALONE.

It's an utterly toxic environment to bring your child up in.

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