Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Horrible argument, am I being childish or is this something to be concerned about?

309 replies

Mulch · 08/01/2018 08:27

Sorry this may be long winded. Agreed with oh that I will go gym in morning, he'll drop lo off at nursery. Wanted me to get him dressed and ready, got all his stuff out night before. I don't drive he does, its 5mins in car for him 1.5hr for me to drop off and get to work.

Sooo I go gym, him and baby are both asleep. Other half is self employed so comes and goes as he pleases. Night before said he wants to be gone for 7:30. As they're both asleep at 6:50 I just leave. At gym get an angry phone call saying he's leaving soon as I get in, very angry I didn't get him ready.

In the evening I'll be spending 1.5 picking him up and doing his bath, also all the household stuff and my uni work.

He's really angry, I got back just before 8 from gym so would literally not have time to get baby to nursery and work whereas is takes him 5mins. The amount of time he spend arguing on phone he could have got him ready, its just a matter of getting him dressed and in car. This is the only child care he's doing today.

My reaction probably wasn't ideal. I stood in front of door to stop him going, he tries to push me out way. He then says ok get him ready and I'll take him but jumps in car to leave....I then sit in passenger seat and he drives off while we argue leaving baby alone in the house with the door open.

I'm crying telling him his reaction isn't normal, he went round the block but it was scary thinking what could have happened. I know I shouldn't have jumped in car with him but I was really mad that it was all being left to me and I'll never make it to work on time whereas it takes him 5mins and that's the only child related care he's doing that day

I think his realised he was behaving ott so then sat and waited while I got baby ready. It was a horrible argument.

OP posts:
nameforno3 · 08/01/2018 21:56

Hi OP

Hope you are still reading.
I'm really sorry to hear this happened to you. Sounds just like a scenario I can picture happening with my ex.
Clearly you do the vast majority of parenting (as well as working, studying and housework) and it was agreed that you go out to the gym for a tiny bit of you time.
With my current DP it would be absolutely fine to leave them peacefully sleeping and I would know that he would sort things. An abusive man would see this differently and flip out.
I'm sure you were feeling upset by his reaction and wanted to sort things before he left, so tried to stop him. Driving off is a vile thing to do - he was showing that he is happy to hurt/threaten DS to punish you. It must have been horrible. Feel sad for you.
Unless this is very out of character for him, I do think this is very concerning. You both deserve better.

IcedCocoa · 08/01/2018 22:12

He called the OP when he was going to be late because the baby was not ready.

When OP got home, the baby was still not ready.

He got in the car, leaving the OP to sort the baby. He could have done it and left in the previous half-hour and then they could have discussed it later on, to clarify how to make things work better next time.

Let’s stop it there. Who waits half an hour when they need to get a baby ready and take the baby to nursery and get to work? Not only that, but then expects the other parent to take on this job and leaves in a stink. Then drives off when upset other parent tries to get a better solution. Drives off angry and dangerously as baby still in house.

Let’s forget who was right or wrong about the alarm clock and dressing. Is any of this a reasonable response to running late with an undressed baby?

FitBitFanClub · 08/01/2018 22:16

Fair point. He says he was running late, so why didn't he throw on the clothes you left out for the baby and put him in the car and take him to Nursery? Why on earth did he hang around for you to get back?

wrongway · 08/01/2018 22:18

OP he's an abusive twat. His behaviour is outrageous. He clearly thinks you should do all the childcare and wants to punish you. You cannot stay with him. Please LTB.

RebelRogue · 08/01/2018 22:18

You need to grow up. YOU, not your partner. He is a spoilt, childish twat perpetuating a cycle of dysfunctional relationships.
You need to dump his sorry arse , and make a stable life for you and your son.
You need to protect your son from becoming a third generation of a controlling, can't give a shit man.
If there was ever a time to wake up and smell the roses, today was it.
He doesn't give a shit, and you are so worn down you nearly equalled him in his irresponsibility.
Your kid deserves better, hell you deserve better.

BabyCute · 08/01/2018 22:29

It'll be the same pattern of completly ignoring me until I contact him with an apology.

Mulch please please don't contact him and do not apologise. If you want to break this cycle, it's the only way. Let him come to you when he starts missing his child. Try your hardest to be as independent as possible. Unfortunately it appears that he is not planning to stick around and would never accept responsibility towards his own flesh and blood. You are a strong woman, you can do it. 👍

3perfectweemen · 08/01/2018 22:33

Poor child, what hope has he when both parents fight like this to just help with a basic need. Im sorry op but leaving the child alone because you were both that angry is disgusting behaviour from you both! Dont ever fight infront of children it is damaging. I feel angry for the poor child left like that without a second thought!! Necglectful parents.

Tonkatol · 08/01/2018 22:44

For those saying OP agreed to get baby dressed and then didn't - firstly, she doesn't actually state that she agreed to get him dressed, just that she left the clothes ready and a bag packed. Secondly, even if the baby had been dressed and taken into DP before OP went to the gym - if the baby had soiled his nappy, it would take just as long to undress him, change his nappy and redress him as it did to get him out of bed and dressed. The difference being that, in this scenario, DP could have got himself up and ready before even disturbing the baby.

This whole situation is exremely worrying and, even if DP won't consider counselling, OP should perhaps go to counselling alone, even if only to help her make a decision as to whether or not to continue this relationship.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 08/01/2018 23:04

You are right Lou Hotel. It's the 1960s. "She remained in the car and was driven around the block,,, a part of her would have guessed the car would begin to drive off."" Few would imagine a father behaving like that! And she was frantic. It was a cruel piece of bullying and intimidation.

frasier · 08/01/2018 23:41

The way I see it is that the OP got into the car to STOP him driving off (same as blocking him leaving in the hallway) but he drove off. Who does that? He was teaching her a lesson at the expense of his baby's welfare.

So for that particular part of the fight, the OP was the one at fault.

OP, think you sound a bit controlled by him, thus the need to try and stop him walking out. Have you thought of counseling? For yourself if OP won't go?

zeeboo · 08/01/2018 23:53

You are BVU simply for repeatedly saying "I go gym"

wiltingfast · 09/01/2018 08:23

Op that all sounds very abusive tbh.

Men are able to get themselves up at a time of their choosing and feed their babies etc, all without throwing an abusive man child strop and causing their partner enormous distress.

All the shite on this thread about how you were to blame is bs tbh

The entire thing was instigated and escalated by him and is entirely down to his sense of entitlement and control over you.

It's not remotely normal or acceptable behavior and i'd think v hard about continuing a relationship with him

Esp as you don't seem to think there is any likelihood of change.

MadMags · 09/01/2018 09:01

Really, zeeboo? On a thread like this? Really??

OP, if you’re still reading; it actually doesn’t matter which side of this people come down on. The fact is that the toxicity of your relationship left your child endangered and alone.

You and he are responsible for that. Not because of the gym, or dressing the baby, or any other shite.

You’re so bad together that neither of you were able to take a step back and be a responsible parent in that moment. And that’s not ok.

diddl · 09/01/2018 09:01

" Why on earth did he hang around for you to get back?"

Because he wanted to teach Op a lesson for defying him would be my guess.

Most people would be pissed off, get on with it & talk about it later.

tillytown · 09/01/2018 09:57

Op, I've read your original post a couple of times, and I'm still confused as to what you did wrong. Getting the kids dressed isn't a big deal, I know people on here are trying to turn it into the crime of the century that you didn't, but normal people generally don't give a fuck and just get on with it. He threw a tantrum because you disobeyed him, pure and simple.

WellThisIsShit · 09/01/2018 11:58

What’s the next step then?

It’s clear he’s an arse and you cannot have a constructive conversation with him... do you think you can somehow get over this barrier to discuss co-parenting responsibilities? Would it be better or worse if you split up?

Tough decisions to make I think.

Mix56 · 09/01/2018 13:35

How do the finances work ? does he participate? You say it's your house.
I would start by going to CAB & finding all the financial info you need to get him to pay his share,
then contact him by email/post saying that from now on he can take the DC EOW, & one other half day. or whatever suits you best.
Take control of this now.

ferriswheel · 09/01/2018 13:48

My stbxh was like this. He is a manipulative pig, leave him.

OpenthePickles · 09/01/2018 13:55

It'll be the same pattern of completly ignoring me until I contact him with an apology

Do yourself the biggest favour to yourself that you possibly can and please, please do NOT contact him. Let him come to you with an apology. If he contacts you without an apology, tell him next time he contacts you, you will be expect a genuine apology. He might just find some respect for you if you do this.

OpenthePickles · 09/01/2018 13:59

We both knew he was alone nobody else was In. When I say salvage I mean something good has to come of this grim situation

Well hopefully that 'something good' will be that you'll realise that this 'man' thinks dressing his own child is way beneath him. He will blame you for everything that goes wrong in your relationship and continue to have you apologise for his faults. Get rid of him, he doesn't even live with you so it should be easy enough. Contact only by e-mail or text and only to discuss the child.

OpenthePickles · 09/01/2018 14:01

If you want that to change, you're going to have to contact him

No she doesn't. OP please don't contact him. Let him contact you.

BeyondWW · 09/01/2018 14:47

I'd also like to know if he contributes financially. More than buying a pack of nappies every couple of weeks?
If you were separated and he were paying the proper maintenance, would you be able to afford to run a car?

Coyoacan · 09/01/2018 16:50

Another one saying don't contact him.

FitBitFanClub · 09/01/2018 17:49

Another one saying don't contact him.

You're thinking that contacting him is a sign of weakness. Actually, it's the opposite. It's silly tit-for-tat nonsense that has got them to where they are now.
The mature thing to do is to rise above the "huh, see how long it takes for you to notice I'm ignoring you" shit, take the high road and say, "we need to discuss if we have a future, because I'm not prepared to put our child through any more of this."
OP, take control; don't hang around waiting for him to get in touch with you. You'll just be in a state of limbo if you do.

IcedCocoa · 09/01/2018 18:14

The problem with co-parenting is that this man does not seem capable of parenting within a relationship, never mind doing it on his own.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread