Horrible argument, am I being childish or is this something to be concerned about?

[Mulch]

Sorry this may be long winded. Agreed with oh that I will go gym in morning, he'll drop lo off at nursery. Wanted me to get him dressed and ready, got all his stuff out night before. I don't drive he does, its 5mins in car for him 1.5hr for me to drop off and get to work.

Sooo I go gym, him and baby are both asleep. Other half is self employed so comes and goes as he pleases. Night before said he wants to be gone for 7:30. As they're both asleep at 6:50 I just leave. At gym get an angry phone call saying he's leaving soon as I get in, very angry I didn't get him ready.

In the evening I'll be spending 1.5 picking him up and doing his bath, also all the household stuff and my uni work.

He's really angry, I got back just before 8 from gym so would literally not have time to get baby to nursery and work whereas is takes him 5mins. The amount of time he spend arguing on phone he could have got him ready, its just a matter of getting him dressed and in car. This is the only child care he's doing today.

My reaction probably wasn't ideal. I stood in front of door to stop him going, he tries to push me out way. He then says ok get him ready and I'll take him but jumps in car to leave....I then sit in passenger seat and he drives off while we argue leaving baby alone in the house with the door open.

I'm crying telling him his reaction isn't normal, he went round the block but it was scary thinking what could have happened. I know I shouldn't have jumped in car with him but I was really mad that it was all being left to me and I'll never make it to work on time whereas it takes him 5mins and that's the only child related care he's doing that day

I think his realised he was behaving ott so then sat and waited while I got baby ready. It was a horrible argument.

He needs to understand that when he is at your house he is also there to do his share of childcare. Perhaps you could have left earlier. But he could have got up earlier. If you'd woken him when you'd left he would have had plenty of time.

I had a very similar relationship with my son's DF. And with a very similar incident. Both of us always thinking the other should be doing more - me thinking he should help more because he didn't live with us, him thinking that I should do more because he was a sexist prick. It culminated in a bizarre incident - both of us speed walking towards a ticket barrier because both of us I suppose thought the other should help our child. We got through, he was on the other side. I've never felt like such a shit parent. And we didn't even talk about it, we knew it was our competitive "No you do it" parenting that led to this, and our DS was suffering for it.

Think about whether you might be better co-parents than partners. At the very least, use what happened today to ensure it can't happen again. Both of you were at fault, and the root of it is that you do the lions share of the work and he should do more. No, you don't have to dress the baby for him before you go out. He's an adult and he gets several baby free nights every week. He can get up earlier.

Don't beat yourself up, that won't accomplish anything. And ignore the spite on here, it's equally as impotent. Just learn from it.

So he asked you to get baby ready - did you say no or just swan off to the gym. You need to communicate. You sound as bad as each other. He could have gotten baby ready but you sound like a horrible pair

OP I'm always asking him to help

No you are asking him to take a small share of basic parenting of his child. That isn't help, its his basic responsibility as a parent.

Where does the OP say she agreed to get the baby dressed so that DP could stay in bed for longer?

She says:

Wanted me to get him dressed and ready, got all his stuff out night before.

She says she got the stuff out the night before so it was ready, she doesn't say she agreed to get the baby dressed. If she had woken the baby and dressed it then what was she supposed to do with it until the DP got out of bed?

I agree with diddl about considering the nearest nursery. You're creating a life that is dependent on someone who doesn't even live with you and you chose a nursery that adds over an hour to your day.

You both need to grow up. If you can't afford to drive then you choose the nearest nursery. If you say you're going to get the baby dressed, then you do that. If you're a parent, then you start acting like one.

You're not taking any responsibility for your role in this and seem to think because you argue back rather than being passive like his mother that you're a stronger person. But your arguing left your child alone in the house. You're not just childish. You're reckless.

He is controlling and lazy.

In effect he is clearjybtelling you he will NOT do anyth8ng that has to do with the ba y, not even dressing him.
He is not even taking responsibility to wake up on time to be able to go to work! He is expecting YOU to wake him up instead.

As for his behaviour with the car... who in earth is driving away from home KNOWING their baby is in the house alone?
He was very clearly plann8ng to go away in the car whilst you were getting the baby ready. Avoiding his responsibilities again.

As for the comments about your appearance and then totally sabbotaging your efforts....

I have to say, the one question that pops in my mind is
Why on earth are still with him? This guy has learnt very well from his dad how to behave to get what he wants by running you down to the ground. Do you really want to end up like his mum, passive to the excess, jumping at his every demand??

And btw please DO NOT EVEN THINK HE CANNOT GET HIS BABY READY.

Sorry for the claps but this guy isn’t incapable. He can hold on a job and is self employed. By doing that, he is proving that he has all the ability necessary to wake his child, give him a bottle (and even prepare it!), get him dressed and then take him to nursery.
That’s just being a PARENT and that’s not you asking for some he,p or asking too much or any of that crap.

OK. in view of the more recent info.
Do not apologise tho this man child.
Your relationship is all his way, he manipulates, PA, & sulking...
Kick to touch

Thank you for all the responses. I know the entire thing is absolutely grim. Every time I think about it I feel sick to my stomach. None of my friends or family know about the times he's disappeared sulking, I'd be to embarrassed to tell them. I couldn't tell anyone about what happened today as I feel horribly ashamed of myself. Hindsight is wonderful If I'd known that was the reaction I would have acted differently but I can't change that.

Why should you feel ashamed of yourself?

You didn't ring another adult to dress your child.
You didn't refuse to drive your child to nursery, leaving it to another adult to walk to do it.
You didn't drive off with a baby in a house with the door open.

Put the full responsibility where it lies. And that's him.
You were just desperate this morning.

Confront him. He is either a partner and a father or he can sod off.

You shouldnt be ashamed of yourself. You have no reason to feel ashamed of HIS behaviour.

Please talk to people in RL, let them know about the sulking, the refusal to take responsibility for his child, his managed incompetence etc....
You need support and you need to see that people in RL, people close to you can also see right through him.

Just remember, it’s not you, it’s him.

*Why should you feel ashamed of yourself?

You didn't ring another adult to dress your child.
You didn't refuse to drive your child to nursery, leaving it to another adult to walk to do it.
You didn't drive off with a baby in a house with the door open.

She did ditch her child undressed despite a prearranged plan.
She did deliberately make her lateness her partners problem rather than her own.
She did refuse to walk her child to nursery making herself late even though her lateness caused it in the first place.
She did escalate the argument by refusing to let him leave the house or drive away.
She was the one who left the house unlocked with the baby in it to continue an argument.

He was wrong to drive away and to blame for that. But the OP is not the poor little oppressed flower here. She was the one who was late and didn't stick to agreed plans.

And her response to that was to swan off to the gym and make it her partners problem.

also, if you tell people in RL, you will probably discover that he globally is thought of as a Tosser.
Please remember that his behaviour will be an example for your lovely baby, & he could become the 3rd generation of sulking bullies.

Eltonjohnssyrup

This is the sort of thing DD's father used to do. This sort of extreme reaction and aggression became a pattern with him. We are now divorced.

Obviously leaving the baby wasn't the right thing to do but I understand how angry and frustrated you must have felt. Your OH sounds irresponsible, selfish and sexist. I couldn't live with someone like that tbh you have alot of thinking to do about how you want to precede, how likely is he to change or see things from you point of view?

Eltonjohnssyrup

Seriously, how can you stick up for this little rat of a man. He can't get his own child dressed? So what if OP went to the gym and the timings changed slightly, he knew when he rang her at the gym, he still had time to get baby organised.

How was Op's lateness anything to do with anything?

He wanted to leave for 7.30

What stopped him?

He didn't need Op to be there to change/dress his son, put him in the car & take him to nursery.

Yes exactly diddl

My husband works weekends regularly so often has a day or two off in the week and on those days he's supposed to get our DS ready for school and then take him. Sometimes he doesn't get up on time so I get myself and DS ready, which makes me a bit but I do it and if there's no signs of movement I poke DH a bit so he's up before I leave.

These things happen sometimes, it's slightly annoying and makes me late for work (thank god for flexible hours) but I don't act like the OPs DP whose response was completely over the top and unreasonable.

My take fwiw... OP's OH either knows full well that OP will (eventually) do his parenting or doesn't care whether it is done or not.

OP tries to show OH that she will not do it... and baby gets left alone.

OP's OH is acting like a teenager. OP is acting like a parent of the OH.

What happens now is going to set the course of this relationship and child's upbringing.

OP, ignore the spite on here, it's not helping you, it's helping them. Some people love it when bad things happen to others, it makes them feel better about their own lives. I think you need to have a make or break talk with OH. If OH isn't prepared to take on the responsibility of looking after his child you need to decide what to do. At the moment, trying to teach each other a lesson, seeing who will break first, is not achieving anything. If OH is too stubborn, you need to think carefully about relying on them ever.

I thought for ages it was me, I'd look at his parents though and know it wasn't all me. I ask and try to talk to him and get called a nag. I complain that he doesn't help and he says well I'll take him, when's he's at mine he doesn't expect to do anything and won't without me asking

He can't get his own child dressed? So what if OP went to the gym and the timings changed slightly

The timings 'didn't change slightly'. They made an agreement the night before as to what they were doing. The OP got up too late to do what she needed to do so she just sneaked out and left them asleep instead of waking him to warn him he'd need extra time. She knew she was making him late and didn't care. It doesn't say he won't dress him (the OPs other threads suggest he is more involved) he was pissed off because she made her lateness his problem by swanning off to the gym without warning him he had more to do.

OP, you can say that he does nothing, your other threads say differently e.g. you take it in turns bathing him and putting him to bed. You can complain he goes silent on you, but to be frank, if I had a partner who stopped me from leaving the house or driving away I wouldn't engage them in arguments either.

By all means listen to the usual suspects who like nothing better than successfully breaking up the relationship of a Mumsnetter. But put it this way, next time you're late for work you won't have anybody to bully into picking up the slack for you. You won't have someone bathing him every other night while you catch up on your Uni work, more like every other weekend. And his business which you don't take seriously and view as some sort of optional extra after he's finished off picking up the slack for you? Well if that's successful you can kiss goodbye to having any part in it apart from a bit of extra maintenance.

This is classic MN hypocrisy. As I said earlier, if a man had sneaked out without doing his agreed or warning his wife he'd be called awful. If he had tried to stop her leaving the house or driving away it would be 'abuse, LTB, call women's aid'. When a woman does it then it's all 'Oh you poor little flower, he must have made you do it, let's come up with some excuses eh'?

Well said eltonjohnssyrup couldnt agree with you more!

This is classic MN hypocrisy. As I said earlier, if a man had sneaked out without doing his agreed or warning his wife he'd be called awful.

Hahaha. If a woman posted on here to say "I'm doing no childcare for the next few days, so I said I'd take the baby in to nursery this morning as long as DP got everything ready. But all DP did was get the baby's bags all packed and clothes sorted out, so I had to change and dress the baby all by myself and it took me five whole minutes! AIBU to demand he gets back here and dresses the baby while I watch in furious silence?" she'd get absolutely piled on. ("God, you sound like hard work. Stop being such a precious princess and dress the baby yourself FFS. What a drama!")

He sounds useless. Focus on being the best mum you can and leave him to sort himself out