Have I been mean to this child?

[SureJan]

My baby DS is 6mo. My cousin came round to visit with her 4yo DD.
Baby has some toys, obviously nothing really for a 4yo to play with but I didn't mind at all her playing with the baby toys.
4yo started getting a little bit naughty (probably bored) & was snatching toys off the baby. Cousin, her mum, didn't say anything to her about it. Eventually I gently told her not to snatch, he's only a baby etc. Cousin not phased, didn't say a word to her. She didn't stop doing it so I started wrapping up the play date, picked up baby & said he was due a bottle, that sort of thing, to signal it was time they went home.
4yo started making a fuss when cousin said it was time to go & she was flustered. 4yo had baby's rattle in her hand & looked like she wasn't going to put it back. I nicely asked are you going to put the rattle back? They both ignored me. Cousin started saying bye, thanks for having us, 4yo still had hold of rattle. I said (nicely again) I'll take that rattle off you now, & she started kicking off really bad, screaming, crying etc. Cousin said nothing to me, just looked at her DD & looked blankly at me. I tried to tell 4yo it was baby's & baby needs it so it has to stay here - more screaming & crying, still no input from cousin. Then cousin says to 4yo, maybe SureJan will let you borrow it until we come again? I said sorry, no. Cousin rolled her eyes at me & said 'really?' in a very pissed off tone, & I stuck to my guns & said yes really, it's not hers to take!
Cousin cajoled & begged 4yo for a good minute or 2 to hand it over, with her screaming full pelt in her face, & eventually cousin snatched it off her, threw it onto the floor & dragged her out of the house saying 'thanks for fucking nothing' to me!
WIBU? Part of me feels bad because it was just a rattle & baby probably wouldn't have missed it, maybe I was being a bit mean? I'm sure cousin thinks I was just being awkward & making her suffer through an embarrassing tantrum that I could have easily stopped by letting her take the bloody thing.
But part of me thinks no, it's not my fault she won't discipline her DD & why should I just give her stuff to take home so that she gets an easier time? It was a rattle & she's 4yo so not age appropriate for her, I feel she was just pushing boundaries & didn't really want it.
I know it isn't my place to tell cousin how to discipline but I do feel she should have stepped in way before the rattle incident by telling her DD to stop snatching, play nicely, be gentle with baby etc. It annoyed me that she didn't!
Am I mean/unreasonable? I have no doubt that there will come a time when baby is older & tantrumming in similar fashion & I'll be able to empathise more, but I don't think in that situation I'd let him take the toy to keep him quiet.

DearShirt in retrospect I shouldn’t have gone along with it. I was gobsmacked, so she wrong-footed me, and I was too bloody polite. Also it was all quite chaotic with everyone saying goodbye and the Dads laughing about it all so I was kind of railroaded.

I think she probably felt a bit bad about it afterwards, because she has sent me photos of her ds cuddling the soft toy a couple of times since then, underlining how fond of it he is.

My ds has never noticed it isn’t the same toy, so at the end of the day it doesn’t really matter I suppose.

Toddlers don't always behave rationally or as you'd wish. You will learn that OP. And be a little less po-faced

I don't think OPs problem is with the childs behaviour. More with the cousins lack of parenting. Yes 4 year olds can be ridiculous in their nbehaviour, they are young children. But their tantrums must be sorted properly, do not give in to them.

...... You are all clearly such amazing parents and able to judge a pathetic situation without being there. 2 sides to every story.

Ooh @lightningbolt82

Are you the cousin? Tell us your side then!

Because from here the cousin sounds like a brat raising a brat!

Lightningbolt82 it's nothing to do with anyone being an amazing parent - it's to do with teaching your children right and wrong which you should do from the beginning and swearing at OP and acting like a spoilt little madam herself isn't a good role model

Lightening I am a good parent but to be honest the parenting bar is surely being set pretty low if not allowing a four year old’s trantrum to allow your child’s toys to be stolen counts as “amazing”.

You hardly need to be an amazing parent to tell your 4 year old not to snatch toys from a baby. At least attempt to do a bit of parenting.

It just seems many people here are using this post as a platform to boast about what great disciplinarians they are. Being sick of hearing it, I thought I'd throw in another opinion! I felt the need to give the absent cousin a voice. I feel like it's quite dramatic jumping to the conclusion that the cousin is a 'shit parent'. I have had experience raising several of my own children plus meeting many hundreds of kids and their parents in my profession..... It is never that straight forward. I am going to let this go now. Feel free to quote more of my sensational suggestions while believing you are a sublime parent. I hope you live very happy lives and never come across despicable parents like this in your homes again. Over and out.

Just to be clear, it's cousin's behaviour that I was about, not her DD's. I know very little about 4yo's & I assumed she was just behaving like a typical 4yo who was probably bored & underwhelmed by the baby she'd been excited to visit.
The only behaviour I gently pulled up was when the baby was getting upset by the snatching, & then the whole retrieving the rattle incident. If cousin had just said something to her DD so that I didn't have to, it would have been fine. I didn't expect her DD to receive a massive bollocking or anything, it would have just been nice for cousin to acknowledge that things were going a bit south & to deal with it accordingly. I tried my best in the meantime whilst cousin wasn't bothering, & in the end she obviously didn't like how I was handling things.

Of course it's that straight forward - other people's things are not to be taken unless offered - end of! If I had been OP I would have taken the rattle off her myself, nicely, but would still have taken it back - I wouldn't have waited for the mum who was saying nothing all the way through to do it

I deleted a bit of excess info from my previous post and it makes me sound bad.

Certain friends with badly behaved children no longer come for home visits. Nicely behaved children are welcome. A few have to be very well supervised but they are bearable!

It's really awkward parenting other people's children when the parents are there and not doing anything though.

maybe when your baby is older and you've had one of those days you would feel like your cousin too
give her a break
she new four year old would kick off that's why she kept quiet
she probably was hoping for a stress free pkaydate at yours

I'd have given the kid the rattle

Really, four years old! She certainly should not have been allowed to behave like that !

Not being unreasonable. Even though child is only 4 will understand that it wasn't gets to take. Does she take items from shops when she wants them. What about nursery, does she help herself to toys other kids play with and want them to be gets. Mother obviously needs to parent a bit more effectively and not let the behaviour develop in the first place.

Arghhh I had a friend that was the same, her child always wanted to take my child's toys home. Instead of parenting and saying "no its not your toy, put it back". I got "maybe you can borrow it?"

No this isn't a bloody toy library! Teach your children the word bloody NO!

Arghhh it gives me the rage!

I’ve also had friends like this and used to let them borrow the toy to keep the peace.
DD still mentions a toy hairdryer we never saw again .

Now I quietly check with my child if they mind lending (when it’s a very young child or first time parent).
It is annoying though.

You were completely in the right OP. It does the 4 year old no favours to teach her that if she whinges, she gets to take things from other people. No doubt the mum will cop onto that when ickle preshus isn't wanted for playdates.

As MN is so fond of saying, No is a complete sentence. And hearing that no when they're over the line is actually good for children.

The child is just 4...cousin could probably have dealt better with situation, but you sound evil! Just wait until it’s you in four years time with your pfb...hope cousin remembers your ‘understanding’

Completely ignoring your kids bad behaviour then having a sweary tantrum and throwing stuff isn't 'one of those days' it's 'one of those parents'. Parents who discipline their kids don't tend to just opt out for the day. And my kids are much older than 4 so I don't need the patronising 'you'll see' as if failing to address your kids behaviour and then swearing in front of them and throwing stuff around is just one of those things that happens to all parents. It really isn't. And that's not just me being smug about my own parenting. I have literally never met a parent who has behaved in such an outrageous fashion.

Honestly.....all this over a bliddy rattle????
I could not be arsed ...........what was it made of kryptonite ????