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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have I been mean to this child?

435 replies

SureJan · 07/01/2018 19:52

My baby DS is 6mo. My cousin came round to visit with her 4yo DD.
Baby has some toys, obviously nothing really for a 4yo to play with but I didn't mind at all her playing with the baby toys.
4yo started getting a little bit naughty (probably bored) & was snatching toys off the baby. Cousin, her mum, didn't say anything to her about it. Eventually I gently told her not to snatch, he's only a baby etc. Cousin not phased, didn't say a word to her. She didn't stop doing it so I started wrapping up the play date, picked up baby & said he was due a bottle, that sort of thing, to signal it was time they went home.
4yo started making a fuss when cousin said it was time to go & she was flustered. 4yo had baby's rattle in her hand & looked like she wasn't going to put it back. I nicely asked are you going to put the rattle back? They both ignored me. Cousin started saying bye, thanks for having us, 4yo still had hold of rattle. I said (nicely again) I'll take that rattle off you now, & she started kicking off really bad, screaming, crying etc. Cousin said nothing to me, just looked at her DD & looked blankly at me. I tried to tell 4yo it was baby's & baby needs it so it has to stay here - more screaming & crying, still no input from cousin. Then cousin says to 4yo, maybe SureJan will let you borrow it until we come again? I said sorry, no. Cousin rolled her eyes at me & said 'really?' in a very pissed off tone, & I stuck to my guns & said yes really, it's not hers to take!
Cousin cajoled & begged 4yo for a good minute or 2 to hand it over, with her screaming full pelt in her face, & eventually cousin snatched it off her, threw it onto the floor & dragged her out of the house saying 'thanks for fucking nothing' to me!
WIBU? Part of me feels bad because it was just a rattle & baby probably wouldn't have missed it, maybe I was being a bit mean? I'm sure cousin thinks I was just being awkward & making her suffer through an embarrassing tantrum that I could have easily stopped by letting her take the bloody thing.
But part of me thinks no, it's not my fault she won't discipline her DD & why should I just give her stuff to take home so that she gets an easier time? It was a rattle & she's 4yo so not age appropriate for her, I feel she was just pushing boundaries & didn't really want it.
I know it isn't my place to tell cousin how to discipline but I do feel she should have stepped in way before the rattle incident by telling her DD to stop snatching, play nicely, be gentle with baby etc. It annoyed me that she didn't!
Am I mean/unreasonable? I have no doubt that there will come a time when baby is older & tantrumming in similar fashion & I'll be able to empathise more, but I don't think in that situation I'd let him take the toy to keep him quiet.

OP posts:
AmritR212 · 08/01/2018 18:54

YANBU
Your cousin should be able to discipline and grow a pair.
As for throwing it the rattle in the floor. It’s obvious who the 4yo gets it from!!
Bad parenting...the kid having a tantrum isn’t your fault - don’t feel guilty.

Figgygal · 08/01/2018 18:56

Fuck that shit your cousin totally wrong to indulge her and maybe if she'd been clear from the start it wouldn't have escalated from the start,

I'd have done same as you op

thecatsabsentcojones · 08/01/2018 18:58

I'm reading some of these responses thinking WTF? Course you were correct to stick to your guns. I've got a three year old daughter and although she might try to take something she wouldn't succeed, and she'd understand pretty quickly too. That's all part of learning, and partly why we as adults don't go and grab our friends possessions, we've been taught that they aren't ours. If you're not teaching something simple like that by four when do you start?
Your cousin needs to start parenting effectively.

FrancisCrawford · 08/01/2018 19:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

XmasInTintagel · 08/01/2018 19:11

Its a bit worrying how many people are saying that this is what 4 year olds do, and you should let it go. They will do this, if you let them, but are quite big enough to learn that they can't take thing that aren't theirs. Thats not the small stuff, its the stuff to get right, otherwise you will likely have a lot of big stuff to deal with!
Its not mean, its kinder in the long run - a child in reception class at school, who keeps taking things from others, and has a tantrum when asked to return them, will struggle to form friendships.

clarkl2 · 08/01/2018 19:17

You were right. She was wrong. The kid sounds like a pure brat and a product of bad parenting.

BitchQueen90 · 08/01/2018 19:19

Er, my DS is 4 and at school. He most certainly does not tantrum over toys. He has the odd meltdown now and again but 4 years old is PERFECTLY capable of understanding that they shouldn't take toys that aren't theirs. Cousin needs to teach her child this.

nannygoat50 · 08/01/2018 19:20

I think you were absolutely right. Too many people don’t discipline their children and this is a 4 year old controlling the situation . I can guarantee if you’d let her take it she would have never looked at it again . That is until it was time to return it .

Serialweightwatcher · 08/01/2018 19:21

Even if she was a 2 year old - in someone else's house, wanting to take home someone else's stuff, she should be told it's not right and however much of a tantrum ensues, it needed to be taken off her .. can't believe anyone would allow their child to consider doing that at any age - are they supposed to be entitled to whatever they want, belonging to whoever they are with so that the parent can have a quiet life?

BitchQueen90 · 08/01/2018 19:23

And 4 years old is NOT a toddler to the PP who mentioned toddlers. A 2 year old is a toddler. A 4 year old is a school aged child.

Lightningbolt82 · 08/01/2018 19:24

Aeroflotgirl I do think if you are hosting you have a certain amount of responsibility to entertain whether or not you have a baby. I don't know why everyone is saying the cousin is a shit parent. None of us know her individual circumstances. I have had playdates before that haven't run smoothly.... You just need to get over it and chill out.

AmysTiara · 08/01/2018 19:28

I think you were right too.

Lightningbolt82 · 08/01/2018 19:29

BitchQueen90 4 year old children come in all different styles. Some are more able to deal with boring playdates than others.

BitchQueen90 · 08/01/2018 19:36

Lightning then it's up to the parent of said child to keep them entertained. If I'm going somewhere where DS will be bored then I bring something along that he can play with. I don't take DS to visit people and then let them run riot all over while I sit there doing nothing.

Lightningbolt82 · 08/01/2018 19:39

Impossible I am totally with you all the way. I don't know why all of the other parents are getting so irate!!

Strongmummy · 08/01/2018 19:45

Your cousin is at fault for not bringing anything to entertain her child and for not actually parenting her child!

You were not mean at all HOWEVER I probably would have told her to keep the rattle just to keep the peace

newsparklythings · 08/01/2018 19:47

Wow the issue here is your cousin's lack of parenting. Parenting involves teaching and guiding your child. Not letting them steal things and backing them up when they do it.

JosieJasper · 08/01/2018 19:47

YANBU at all. The child clearly knows that she gets her way in the end if she screams enough, she can't continue thinking she can have anything and everything she wants. She needs to be taught now otherwise tantrums will just get worse. Also, she's bloody school age, not a toddler!!

Jedimum1 · 08/01/2018 19:51

I have a 4yo and a 2.5yo. there's no way I'd let any of them to take a toy from anywhere. No matter the tantrum, I've snatched things away from my own kids and gave them back if they were not listening or still held onto that. It's not theirs, it's somebody else's. They need to learn that they need to ask first and that "no" means "no". In any case, unless I'm bound to see that person on the following day, I don't let them take things with them in case they lose them, stain them or break them.

BoffinMum · 08/01/2018 19:57

YANBU

Lizzie48 · 08/01/2018 20:02

Obviously some little children of 4 throw tantrums/have meltdowns. I know all about these with my DDs. But I would never let them take another child's toy away with them when we leave, and I'd never lash out about it myself. It's the parenting that's the issue here rather than the cousin's tantrum.

LancelotLink · 08/01/2018 20:04

Your cousin is a bell end.

Flamingo84 · 08/01/2018 20:08

Your cousin snatched the rattle off her child, threw it on the floor and then swore at you in front of her 4yo. You’re definitely not the unreasonable one in this situation. I also think it goes to show where her daughter is learning her social skills from!
I agree with @jedimum1 if it’s not their, you should ask first, but no means no.

Miranda15110 · 08/01/2018 20:11

YANBU and the rattle wasn’t the issue. Poor parenting is the issue. I wouldn’t have let my child behave like this ever. Just because she’s your cousin doesn’t mean you have to like her 😂

HipNewName · 08/01/2018 20:16

I think it is unreasonable to expect a parent of younger children to know what an older child would enjoy doing. When my first child was 6 months old, I wouldn't have had a clue what was fun to a 4 year old, or an 8 year old, or a 12 year. It's really on the parent of the older child to bring things.

I always brought things for my kids when we were in situations I thought they might find dull because it made parenting them so much easier.

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