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AIBU?

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Original poster

To cut off MIL for stealing?

362 replies

Beingthere · 06/01/2018 18:34

Mil the gatekeeper has always asked family members to give gifts to her to send or give to us. I found this odd. There is no reason for it other than control but she rules the family and everyone did as they were told.

In the past this has meant she has held our presents hostage from everyone, using them as bait to go and see her. We’ve never given in to this, getting Christmas gifts in June once. We’ve asked people not to do it, and we send any gifts directly to the recipients not through MIL, but they still do. Oh well, up to them.

We have just found out that this year MIL opened a gift (I’ve suspected this in the past) took out one of the presents for DS, kept it, and rewrapped the parcel. We know this because the sender asked us if we liked it but we hadn’t received it. (I’d written a thank you note and didn’t mention it, so they rang.) DH spoke to his M and she admittted to taking the gift and keeping it herself because “it wasn’t suitable for DS”.

I’M FURIOUS!

MIL has form for lying and being passive aggressive. She speaks badly about the spouses of all her adult children in front of their children so I was always worried about DS being around her when he’s older and understands. So this is the final straw. DH is on board, he’s disgusted with her. Especially as when he told her that her behaviour was unacceptable, she said she was going to ring around th3 family and tell them not to speak to,us anymore! She has form for this also. We never took any notice when she ordered us to not send a birthday card to Auntie May or whoever, but DH’s siblings do.

So DH has told her not to contact us either.

Sorry about any mistakes. Angry and on mobile,

OP posts:
FannyTheFlamingo · 10/01/2018 07:03

I'll come back to rtft later, but my MIL does this!

ChasedByBees · 10/01/2018 07:32

I think emailing the sender as you described would be the right thing to do.

Figrollsnotfatrolls · 10/01/2018 07:45

Maybe have a big family get together but don't invite her? Re-establish ties with nice relatives? Your ds might find some nice ones who are honest!!

nonevernotever · 10/01/2018 08:30

!!! My MIL likes to know things, feel the matriarch at the centre of the family, distribute the presents sent to her for the family, arrange the family holidays etc BUT she's also a lovely woman who would never dream of withholding presents, opening other people's presents let alone stealing anything intended for anyone, let alone a handmade personal present like that cross stitch. SHe would also never instruct others to drop contact etc. Guess what - we all love her.

I think both of you are right in your decision to distance yourselves and I would also follow the advice of previous posters to phone relative who made the cross stitch regularly for a chat. If you phone them it may be easier (initially at least) for them rather than having to break MIL's rules by phoning you themselves.

Redken24 · 10/01/2018 08:38

Your poor dh. Does he have a normal relationship with his siblings?

Madwoman5 · 10/01/2018 09:04

So mil vets all gifts before passing them over? Wow. It is like she has her own customs point and no one is allowed through without her approval.
If I had sent a gift, especially one I had spent time creating, to a relative and my mil had withheld it, I would be furious.
If dh sent an email to mil/fil formally requesting the return of the item and copy in the sender then they know the sender knows and you are giving her one last chance to do the right thing. I fact, I would be tempted to copy in the family so they know what has been said and why.
Dear mil
I am shocked and disappointed to learn that you not only opened ds's gift from nice rellie but that you chose not to pass it on as you deemed it unsuitable. After having established the facts you agreed to forward it on and had you done so, this sad situation would not have escalated to the point where fil felt it necessary to admonish my behaviour for insisting you send said gift to it's rightful recipient.
It has not been received so we can only assume, in the absence of a proof of posting, that you have chosen to hold onto it.
The upsetting side to this is threefold:

  1. The discovery that you open and vet family gifts to one another and decide what does and does not get passed on to the recipient.
  2. That you have betrayed the trust granted to you by the family by doing so.
  3. That you will not accept your behaviour is wrong or take action to remediate the situation and persist in retaining goods and gifts that have acquired in this way.
Nice rellie has taken time and effort to create a special gift for ds. It is very sad that ds will never see it. I will not be apologising for informing the family of your actions. It is their decision whether they choose to entrust gifts to you in the future, knowing they may not make it to their intended recipient. I refuse to be drawn any further on this matter. Regards Dh
allaboutthatsass · 10/01/2018 09:08

Sounds exactly like my late paternal grandmother who my parents went NC with

mumpoints · 10/01/2018 10:26

It is like she does not want people to have lives of their own. She has to interfere. What is she scared of?

Does she tell people you are going to hers for Christmas and that is why she needs everything there?

bunbunny · 10/01/2018 14:57

I would also be pointing out to fil that he has it the wrong way around - you are the ones waiting for an apology from mil for stealing your dc's very special personalised gift that is something that you and they would treasure.

Original poster
Beingthere · 10/01/2018 19:10

Redken24 He absolutely does not have what I would class as a normal relationship with his siblings. They just don't see or speak to each other unless they are gathered in MIL and FIL's house. No texts, no emails, no nothing.

Mumpoints She may tell people we will see her at Christmas, I don't know. It would explain why people send her stuff meant for us.

DH is not responding to FIL. I think FIL might have sent another mail or text today because DH's face was > Angry but I haven't had chance to speak to DH about it yet because DS was around. Might have just been a bill though!

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 10/01/2018 20:07

Nothing like a bitch of a MIL to make you hope for a bill in January Grin

In all seriousness though I hope he’s ok and that it’s not from FIL

AHungryMum · 10/01/2018 20:09

I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this and I'm glad that your husband has got your back on this one. Your mother in law sounds horrendous. Can't believe some people on here actually feel sorry for her!!

You're well shot of her, imo. I hope you're able to salvage the relationships with the rest of the family though and the crazy parents in law don't spoil those for you too. :(

Original poster
Beingthere · 10/01/2018 22:05

None of the above. It was a message from DH's brother. Apparently we are making MIL ill.

Well there you go, the favourite son is loyal to the last. Oh well, it looks like that particular sibling won't be into an relationship with DH apart from his mother.

OP posts:
MipMipMip · 10/01/2018 22:22

I'm sorry. How is your DH coping?

DamsonGin · 10/01/2018 22:31

It rather appears that she doesn't like being told she's done something wrong, and she'd rather throw your DH under the bus than admit it.

Original poster
Beingthere · 10/01/2018 22:37

MipMipMip Surprisingly well except he's asked me not to mention his family which is a bit difficult for me considering the circumstances. I mean, I want to know what is going on because my son is involved. Perhaps he is embarrassed or finding it more difficult than I think.

OP posts:
MipMipMip · 10/01/2018 23:03

At a guess he will feel like he has been a fool to believe her and put up with her for so long. He's not of course, but emotions are rarely rooted in reality. All you can really do is show him love and it sounds like you're doing that already. It must be hard for you too - try not to neglect yourself while this is going on.

You sound good for each other.

MipMipMip · 10/01/2018 23:04

And he will always hope that maybe, this time, she's changed. Again, reality will not be involved.

GrooovyLass · 10/01/2018 23:39

Does your BIL actually know what his mother has done? I'm at a loss as to why her family are defending her!

WellThisIsShit · 11/01/2018 00:00

It can be surprisingly hard to break out of a family who are mean and dysfunctional in every way... but still they are your family and they are rooted deep.

shakingmyhead1 · 11/01/2018 02:17

send madwomans email draft, but bcc all family into it so they can get the full story

ohfourfoxache · 11/01/2018 02:54

Unfortunately this is now typical of someone who is toxic. Firstly she is now ill, and secondly she gets someone else to contact you (flying monkey). Both of which are in the script.

ptumbi · 11/01/2018 10:39

message from DH's brother. Apparently we are making MIL ill. - flying monkey indeed. And as ohfourfoxache says - symptomatic of a toxic narcissist following the script.

NC it is then?

OhCalamity · 11/01/2018 11:07

First the flying monkey (FIL) then the 'illness'.

Textbook narc I suppose.

I make baby blankets for all the babies in the family. I spend a lot of time choosing themes/ colours that I think the parents will like, and personalise them for each child. It can take me weeks and cost up to about £100 to make each one. I love the process and love thinking lovely things about the impending arrival and the excitement that will be in that household.

I would be FURIOUS if someone in the family intercepted a gift that I as an adult, choose to give to the child via their parent. It's up to the parent to decide if a gift is acceptable or not and if one told me they didn't want the blanket, I would be hurt but respect their wishes.

But it's not about witholding stuff. This is a wider issue or her being the gatekeeper of information and gossip and is nasty behind everyone's back. Far better if your DC are kept well away.

Original poster
Beingthere · 11/01/2018 13:10

The cross stitch arrived this morning. It was addressed to DH so had to wait an agonising hour until I could get hold of him to ask if I could open it (didn't want to "do a MIL" and start opening his mail).

It is lovely. I burst into tears when I saw it because MIL stole it. I don't want to be reminded of that everytime I see it.

I also told DH that I would ring the sender and say we had it because he was busy at work. I actually wanted to hear for myself what she thought about the situation but my questions went out of the window when I spoke to her because she said apparently MIL "thought the cross stitch was for her".

THAT IS AN ABSOLUTE BLATANT LIE. And the sender must know it. It was in a box addressed to all of us from the sender and presumably wrapped inside that box as well with a label on to DS, like his other presents were. I wish I had the packaging to take a photo to put on here but it was long gone even before we found out about MIL opening it. It was definitely inside "our" box and not separately in the bigger package MIL received because we had checked that when we first knew it was missing.

But, even if it wasn't, even if the sender made a mistake with that, why did MIL tell DH that it was "unsuitable for DS" when he rang her about it? Why didn't she say "Oh I think it's for me"?

So MIL gets away with whatever the fuck she likes because everyone just turns a blind eye. That is why she is bold enough to be a thief, there are no repercussions. If that is the story she is telling everyone, and even the sender is going along with it, there is nothing we can do except leave them all to it. She didn't just take DS's gift, she took half his family away from him.

Can't even bring myself to ring DH.

OP posts: