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AIBU?

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Original poster

To cut off MIL for stealing?

362 replies

Beingthere · 06/01/2018 18:34

Mil the gatekeeper has always asked family members to give gifts to her to send or give to us. I found this odd. There is no reason for it other than control but she rules the family and everyone did as they were told.

In the past this has meant she has held our presents hostage from everyone, using them as bait to go and see her. We’ve never given in to this, getting Christmas gifts in June once. We’ve asked people not to do it, and we send any gifts directly to the recipients not through MIL, but they still do. Oh well, up to them.

We have just found out that this year MIL opened a gift (I’ve suspected this in the past) took out one of the presents for DS, kept it, and rewrapped the parcel. We know this because the sender asked us if we liked it but we hadn’t received it. (I’d written a thank you note and didn’t mention it, so they rang.) DH spoke to his M and she admittted to taking the gift and keeping it herself because “it wasn’t suitable for DS”.

I’M FURIOUS!

MIL has form for lying and being passive aggressive. She speaks badly about the spouses of all her adult children in front of their children so I was always worried about DS being around her when he’s older and understands. So this is the final straw. DH is on board, he’s disgusted with her. Especially as when he told her that her behaviour was unacceptable, she said she was going to ring around th3 family and tell them not to speak to,us anymore! She has form for this also. We never took any notice when she ordered us to not send a birthday card to Auntie May or whoever, but DH’s siblings do.

So DH has told her not to contact us either.

Sorry about any mistakes. Angry and on mobile,

OP posts:
PositivelyPERF · 09/01/2018 01:05

As for the posters saying that the cross stitch is of no value, that's not true. If OP had asked someone to make a personal cross stitch, it can work out very expensive.

CheshireChat · 09/01/2018 02:09

I think it's quite rare someone gets cut off by family without a very good reason and from personal experience, I only know of 1 case (with the caveat this is from what I've observed).

As long as you're kind and open, your family will stick around in most cases

Motoko · 09/01/2018 02:22

Even small cross stitch pictures take several hours to do, so they are worth a lot of money.

My parents were NC with my maternal grandfather (grandmother died when my mum was a child). I was just told he wasn't a nice man. I only saw him once, as we drove past him when we were visiting relatives. It wasn't until I was in my late teens that my dad told me the reason why, that my mum's father had sexually abused her.

They were completely right to have NC with him.

It's obvious that this theft is just the straw that broke the camel's back. The children will be better off being protected from this toxic woman and her flying monkeys.

ptumbi · 09/01/2018 09:10

Corbyn - If you read the OP she says that MIL gets all the family to send all the presents to her, so she can distribute them. Thus forcing family to visit. Not so she can go to them - she is the 'gatekeeper'.

Family have been requested by OP and her DH not to do this, ,but to send them directly - postage would be no different, as they don't live near MIL but the other end of the country. MIL presumably goes through all presents (controlling behaviour - she knows, then before the recipient what they get) and in this case, took a liking to a cross-stitch that she can hang on her wall to show how much she 'loves' her grandchild.

OP and her DH would be prefectly entitled to cut out a toxic controlling person like this. Like others, I wonder what 'or else' means? A physical threat? A manipulation of other memebrs of the family to cut out OP from the wider family? Or that they will not speak to or see DH until he kow-tows?

BTW - I am NC with my toxic father (26 years) and my selfish bitch of a sister (10years). I don't regret a single minute of those years. My kids are late teens, and have never asked me why they don't have a grandfather or aunt. They have other family, and friends, as have I.

Toxic people should never be in your life. Only good people, who love you, blood or not.

Why do you feel you need to 'please' people who don't care about you?

Abbylee · 09/01/2018 09:28

My sil does mil stunt. "Just send things to me, I will, distribute." She does not like me, does not want her dc (grown) or gdc to like me. One dn gave me her address, I send her family gifts. She sees her family all the time. Just mean old bat.

wowfudge · 09/01/2018 09:35

I does not matter one jot what it was she removed from the present. I think YABVR not to see her again and tell those people who have left gifts for you with her that you don't see her because she has form for not passing everything on. Ask people to send things to you direct or just arrange to meet them or invite them round.

Someone like your MAIL has only herself to blame. She won't recognise that of course.

wowfudge · 09/01/2018 09:35

MIL obvs.

ktp100 · 09/01/2018 09:41

How awful that she controls the whole family like this! If she wasn't such a massive twunt i'm sure the kids would happily visit more and she wouldn't have to orchestrate the great present (thieving) fiasco. I hope the lovely relation who did the cross stitch is busy making a new one that is sent direct - then you can tell her to stick it right up her bitch arse! I do feel sorry for your DH, bless him. Families can be so vile.

Original poster
Beingthere · 09/01/2018 16:17

No sign of the cross-stitch. DH is going to give it a few days and then ring the sender and tell them we haven’t got it but thanks for the thought.

Would that be ok do you think? We don’t want to stir things, as far as we are concerned it’s over, but I in particular feel bad that this person went to a lot of trouble and the last thing they heard (from us anyway) was that MIL had taken it and we’d asked her to send it.

OP posts:
ptumbi · 09/01/2018 16:42

I think it's a good plan - you are not stirring things, you are letting the gifter know that it 'went astray' and MIL 'probably still has it'...

It will probably cause a few waves, but not your circus, not your monkeys.

MILs problem, of her own making. If her children/family see her for what she is, that is a good thing.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 09/01/2018 17:07

I would let them know too. But as you say in a non confrontational way

The fact they've asked specifically plus it sounds a really personal project - I'd be devastated if my present hadn't made its way to its intended recipient.

Hope all goes well op

Ermmm6 · 09/01/2018 17:15

Absolutely let them know she’s not passed it on to you. Your MIL is stealing from them too as until it reaches you it’s still theirs.

MIL sounds disgusting.

yorkrose · 09/01/2018 17:34

Perhaps she is struggling financially and lonely. If not, best keep your distance.

ineedaholidaynow · 09/01/2018 17:44

Wonder what MIL is planning to do with it, it's not like she can put it on the wall as the relative who made it will recognise it

ohfourfoxache · 09/01/2018 17:44

Struggling financially had crossed my mind too - but a personalised cross stitch isn’t really something she can flog.

Think it’s definitely a good idea to contact the sender. Regardless of whether you received it or not she’s put a lot of effort into it Sad

RainbowWish · 09/01/2018 17:45

Has anyone replied to dhs email?
Such a shame for the sender going to all the effort and dc may never see it.

Original poster
Beingthere · 09/01/2018 18:38

No one has replied to DH's mail yet. I'm surprised that one particular family haven't, but who knows what has been said. Perhaps they all just want to keep out of it. I would!

Ermmm6
I was wondering about that. Just who it belongs to legally until we get it. If we ever get it.

OP posts:
Ermmm6 · 09/01/2018 21:00

I’m not sure on the law but I know this... if I’d asked family or friends to pass on a gift for me and they decided to keep it and refuse to give it back or pass it on the the true recipient, I’d be taking legal advice and logging it as a crime/theft.

Makes my blood boil that your kleptomaniac MIL is enabled by the wider family to get away with stealing from family, and even worse - a child! Angry

Jux · 09/01/2018 22:57

I think you should call her to make sure she’s OK after the big email effort. She may now find herself ostracised by the rest of the family as she’s right in the middle of the situation, so I’d call her to check if she’s had any abuse over it (maybe FIL has contacted her to tell her to apologise too).

And then I’d make the effort to call her regularly just for a chat, which also doubles as a means of finding out if there are more repercussions, like other family members start breaking away.

MoKnickers · 09/01/2018 23:18

What a cow!

BewareOfDragons · 09/01/2018 23:42

Shocking that there is radio silence from everyone your DH has reached out to.

So much for family...

MIL is a lying, thieving cow who is not willing to give up her control of the family, and for some reason, most of the family is happy to let her to do this. Nuts.

I'd go NC. And it's not because of the missing cross-stitch; it's just a final nail in the coffin, really, one she is defending!

HuskyMcClusky · 09/01/2018 23:44

I’d be taking legal advice and logging it as a crime/theft.

🤣

Original poster
Beingthere · 10/01/2018 00:40

BewareOfDragons I don't think the siblings know how to speak amongst themselves in that family. Seriously. MIL seems to have trained them to go through her. MIL told us when DH's sister got engaged, when she was pregnant, the details of the baby when he was born... She told us our niece's exam results, that she had got a job... and more weird stuff like DH's brother was having medical tests and that he was fighting with his wife... These are things people should tell you themselves if they want to.

I don't know why she even knows some of this stuff. But she does and seems to have their permission to broadcast it to everyone.

When we got engaged MIL told me that she had seen the ring before I had. She said it several times. I think she wanted me to be upset or something but I didn't care. To this day DH wishes he hadn't shown her but that was just what you did in his family. Of course, when DH rang his siblings to tell them we were engaged, they knew already...

It is like a big spiders web where everyone goes through MIL in the center and she relays people's news. Or doesn't. We didn't get to know about a relative's retirement party for instance because MIL didn't like them and didn't want anyone to go.

She is the very definition of a control freak. But in being so has pushed her family apart. Several relatives in her own age bracket have cut her off and DH's siblings don't even have relationships with each other.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beingthere · 10/01/2018 00:41

Ooops sorry for the huge whiny post. Had a glass of wine and can't hold my drink these days!

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 10/01/2018 03:09

Perhaps it’s time to re-establish connections with people who have cut MIL off?

Or try to establish independent relationships with his siblings.

If nothing else it’ll piss her off nicely Grin

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