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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can not accept partners dog

171 replies

SugarBlossom92 · 04/01/2018 16:17

Iv been with my partner for 6 months he makes me really happy and we get on amazing apart from the issue of his dog.

When we met neither of us were looking for a relationship but that soon changed , We got together after a couple of months, we was originally just seeing each other once a week I was travelling to him ( we live about 30 miles apart) but we grew more and more attached to each other so about 2 and a half months in he started coming to my house regularly and staying over alot. The thing is though he would always have to bring his dog as he obviously couldn't leave it alone.

I have tried and tried to adjust to the dog but it is a really destructive dog and has chewed my bathroom floor, a whole skirting board and the wall behind it , a trampoline, door frame, an outdoor pipe which then caused a leak from my bath and many other things. He steals any food given the chance and wants constant attention from my partner he hates to be left alone for any period of time. Baring in mind I have no dogs of my own and don't like them that much myself, I have tried and tried to adjust to having this dog in my home but I am so unhappy with the damage he has caused to my home it is causing me so much stress and resentment would I be unreasonable to consider ending the relationship over the dog even though I love my partner very much? I have spoke to him about my frustrations and he kinda understands but says if I want to be with him I must accept his dog and I should of thought about this in the beggining, but the thing is I never knew we would get so serious and I did not know his dog was so badly behaved.

OP posts:
TwitterQueen1 · 04/01/2018 18:39

To address your question OP (instead of ranting), no YANBU at all. It's your choice and the dog is obviously badly trained - you have to put yourself and your DC top of your priority list.

IamLucyBarton · 04/01/2018 18:39

I see a lot of red flags here and I am not a ltb type of poster at all.

He fact that you are so worried about telling him basic stuff and that he is going to make you feel bad ir you feel selfish. To me it sounds like alarm bells tbh.

Because really a dog in someone's home is a big imposition as it is, let alone a puppy that is so disruptive.
He could sort out a place to leave him, crate him etc. He ahould feel devastated at the damage and do whatever he can to repair and make aure he doesn't happen again. Certainly not minimise. This to me is worrying for future issues too. Very.

Be cautious.

I have dogs and would never ever take them anywhere where they were not welcome, where they could cause trouble. It will be up to me them to decide how o handle the situation of course.
If the dog is badly behaved it would seem perfectly reasonable to me that any new partner would jot want it and it would bw up to me to fix the situation.
If the new partner does not like the dog then it would be up to me to decide how to go about it.
What is certain is that nobody likes a badly behaved dog, especially one that os not yours and that destroys your house. I'd be furious! And for me a dog that steals is a deal breaker.

You are in the right.

IamLucyBarton · 04/01/2018 18:41

Gow to walk, train, crate the dog ia secondary to all of this tbh.

However, minimising the need for trainining of a dog of thag size and breed is also a red alert. Really?

Original poster
SugarBlossom92 · 04/01/2018 18:45

Ragwort- no I am not so desperate for a man. I don't have any difficultly finding men to date. I just started to really like him and the dog wasn't an issue at first because the dog was not coming to my home. I tried to be patient and my partner would assure me the dog would not destroy anything else, but then it would and he would really apologise and say he didn't think that was going to happen.

But anyway the reason I haven't been sure what to do is because we get on so great he's really kind and caring and treats me lovely and although I really care for him and would love us to stay together there just is no future long term because really when it comes down to it I do not want the dog in my life and my home it is making me unhappy. Now I just need to find a way to tell him.

OP posts:
Original poster
SugarBlossom92 · 04/01/2018 18:49

The reason I'm worried about looking bad is because I do love him and care for him and don't want him to think I am throwing our relationship away lightly. Last time we spoke about it he said well if I can accept your children why can't you accept my dog. But I said it's completely upto him what he chooses to accept and it completely upto me what I choose to accept he can't just say you must accept my dog in your life and home, behaviour problems and all.

OP posts:
Original poster
SugarBlossom92 · 04/01/2018 18:51

IamLucyBarton- thank you, your so right and its good to hear coming from someone who is a dog owner themselves.

OP posts:
MorningstarMoon · 04/01/2018 18:57

End the relationship. It's between you getting on with the dog or leaving. To be fair I would be the same dog before partner ❤

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 04/01/2018 19:46

Ah, Im getting an image of your BF. He's a common or garden twat who has a certain type of dog but not the first idea about canine behaviour or training. How cliched! Consequently the dog is a PITA which sooner or later will be more of a problem than just chewing skirting boards! I'm a huge dog lover, and like these bull breeds, but no way would I put up with a BF's dog wrecking my house, or be with someone so blase about training. I also don't like his attitude that despite knowing his dog has form for weeing in the house, can't be arsed to get out of bed and let him out.

What I suggest, if you want to stay with this bloke, is he takes his dog to a training class run by the Association of Pet Dog Trainers to ensure the dog is socialised and has basic training, and also get someone from the Association of Pet Behaviour Counsellors to visit the dog at home and give advice on how to train him to be OK being left. This situation is salvagable but your BF has to want to get help and want to put the hard work required into this dog. He sounds like he doesn't have a clue unfortunately. so is not best qualified to train his dog without expert help.

IamLucyBarton · 04/01/2018 19:48

See him comparing your kids to his dogs in this way is wrong. Are your children this disruptive? Are your children always with you? Do you impose your children and their crappy behaviour on him and shrug and say "they are just children?". Prob not.

I think you are right what makes you unconfortable is not a dog per se but this dog/owner combo. And you are right you both have a choice in what you accept or not but be careful of the guilt tripping.

And I am sure he is a nice guy in all other aspect.

IamLucyBarton · 04/01/2018 19:56

Ps: sorry for typos but typing fast on phone.

Also the 'dog steal deal breaker' is my personal view not at all a universal one. But I hate sneaking and would hate not being able to leave a loaf of bread or my half eaten meal on the coffe table because of the dogs, or cats for that matter. It'd drive me bonkers.

AdaColeman · 04/01/2018 20:12

As soon as you have given him the "Dear John" message/talk, block him on all the various ways he can contact you, because he will certainly try to guilt trip/emotionally blackmail into staying with him.

Be prepared. Good luck.

Nanny0gg · 04/01/2018 20:12

He's clearly one of those dog owners.

Sad
strangerhoes · 04/01/2018 20:13

I’m sorry but it’s not even YOURS! And you have to put up with it destroying your property!
Dump him. He doesn’t respect you or your property.

LEMtheoriginal · 04/01/2018 20:23

I feel for you but I agree with pp that say you should end the relationship.

You don't like dogs - that isn't a crime. Weird, but not a crime Wink however he does and I wouldn't be giving up my dog for a six month relationship.

So it's catch 22 isn't it.

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 04/01/2018 20:27

I had a sinking feeling in my stomach every time I thought about what our future would look like with this dog. Only being able to live in houses not flats. Being limited to where we could rent due to landlords not wanting dogs. Not being able to have nice carpets or sofas. Being tied to the dog every day unable to go away or have a lazy day in the house.

Gosh, I wish I’d thought about that before having dogs, in our nice house, with our nice furniture, and the excellent dog training school down the road, and the lovely kennels in the next village for when we go away... oh wait. Hmm

Seriously. It’s not that bad! Some people just aren’t cut out for dogs and the effort required to have a lovely relationship with a loving, adoring, obedient, clean, friendly, safe companion. Much like the Op’s boyfriend who clearly hasn’t got the first fucking clue what dog ownership entails.

I really wish there could be some sort of test and licence before owning dogs. Would weed out so many useless idiots.

echt · 04/01/2018 20:33

You don't like dogs - that isn't a crime Where has the OP said she doesn't like dogs? She doesn't like this dog's behaviour. quite different matter.

OP, your partner is an arse and you need to bin him off, quick smart. He knows nothing about raising a dog, and is unlikely to change. Poor dog. He has no respect for you, either.

I have a dog and would not tolerate such behaviour, or allow such a dog in my home.

ohfortuna · 04/01/2018 20:37

Allowing his dog to destroy your home and cause you such a lot of grief is an act of dominance, the dog is an extension of him and he is using the dog to control and dominate you

I say run for the hills

ohfortuna · 04/01/2018 20:41

He might treat you lovely but the thing is he lets his dog do the dirty work for him, it's a kind of passive-aggressive thing, he's not openly unpleasant so you can't really complain about it but he lets his dog be unpleasant on his behalf

rightknockered · 04/01/2018 20:42

I would dump someone who was so neglectful of his beloved dog that he couldn't be bothered to train him, frankly. He is selfish and lazy, the dog is probably very unhappy.

ohfortuna · 04/01/2018 20:45

He has also numerous times tried to mop up water that the dog spilled in the kitchen with the mop he has just used to clean the wee up with which I have said no way that is not acceptable and disgusting and he said looks at me annoyed, he doesn't like the fact I don't allow to dog to eat from my bowls and plates ( he does at his house apparantly )
WARNING WARNING WARNING
⛳⛳⛳⛳⛳⛳⛳

rightsaidfrederickII · 04/01/2018 20:48

The dog is 1 year old now so was 6 months when me and my partner got together and it has always destroyed his house too but he would always say he would grow out of it and It was because he was young.

Is he taking steps to train him, or is he hoping that this behaviour is going to stop by magic? Spoiler: it won't

Is he walking the dog sufficiently? A tired dog is a good dog, but a frustrated one will make its own entertainment

Is he giving the dog sufficient enrichment activity including chew toys? A bored dog will make its own entertainment.

Looking down the line, realise that this is an approximation of how good a parent he would be. I'd run a mile.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 04/01/2018 20:51

It’s not the dog that’s the problem, it’s your BF and even if he did rehome the dog, your BF would still be a problem.

Just tell him that it’s not working for you, don’t blame his dog, because he might rehome it, but you’d still have the same problems.

He’s said he accepts your kids, so you should accept his dog (incredibly immature view point) and clearly indicates he TOLERATES your kids. Surely your kids deserve more than being tolerated?

He doesn’t walk his dog enough and already your nagging him to take care of HIS responsibilities. If he can’t even be responsible for his own responsibilities he’s going to be SHIT at bein* a step dad to your kids and other joint responsibilities.

He got a dog he has no fucking clue how to train & expects to just ‘grow up’ and magically know how to behave.

He’s mopping wee around the floors, not cleaning them. He’s an adult FFS. Basic hygiene should be a given. I expect 10 year olds to have more sense.

It’s an untrained large dog around your children.

...I could go on....

Love. It’s been 6 months. More like infatuation, lust, obsession...but it’s irrelevant. You’re over looking basic issues of incompatibility because you’re ‘in love/lust’. Even if it IS love, love is not enough.

Just tell him you love him, but aren’t compatible long term so you want to end it now before either of you get any more hurt.

NewYearNiki · 04/01/2018 20:54

I had a similar issue years ago with a boyfriend cat and it was worse as you cant train a cat.

It wouldn't use a litter tray or go outside. It stay the floor. Sometimes the kitchen but mostly the bathroom.

The cat started doing it at a couple of years old and kept doing it no matter what he tried.

I tired of it and the final straw was getting up one morning and going to the bathroom, pushing the door open to smear the pile of cat shit that was behind the door across the floor. There were 2 piles of cat shit next to the bath. A pile of shit in the bath and a bit next to the toilet.

I dragged DP into clean it and he was surprised I had a problem with it as that was just what the cat did. I would never want to live with that cat and he wouldnt get rid so I ended it.

I cannot live with an animal that shits all over the house and can't be trained. We hadnt been going out long so not too painful.

NewYearNiki · 04/01/2018 20:55

shat the floor not stay

ohfortuna · 04/01/2018 21:00

This is the honeymoon phase of the relationship where he tries to impress you and show you what a good partner he's going be
can you imagine what he'll turn out to be like once he gets his feet under the table and he's no longer trying to impress you
it's going to be a f nightmare