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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can not accept partners dog

171 replies

SugarBlossom92 · 04/01/2018 16:17

Iv been with my partner for 6 months he makes me really happy and we get on amazing apart from the issue of his dog.

When we met neither of us were looking for a relationship but that soon changed , We got together after a couple of months, we was originally just seeing each other once a week I was travelling to him ( we live about 30 miles apart) but we grew more and more attached to each other so about 2 and a half months in he started coming to my house regularly and staying over alot. The thing is though he would always have to bring his dog as he obviously couldn't leave it alone.

I have tried and tried to adjust to the dog but it is a really destructive dog and has chewed my bathroom floor, a whole skirting board and the wall behind it , a trampoline, door frame, an outdoor pipe which then caused a leak from my bath and many other things. He steals any food given the chance and wants constant attention from my partner he hates to be left alone for any period of time. Baring in mind I have no dogs of my own and don't like them that much myself, I have tried and tried to adjust to having this dog in my home but I am so unhappy with the damage he has caused to my home it is causing me so much stress and resentment would I be unreasonable to consider ending the relationship over the dog even though I love my partner very much? I have spoke to him about my frustrations and he kinda understands but says if I want to be with him I must accept his dog and I should of thought about this in the beggining, but the thing is I never knew we would get so serious and I did not know his dog was so badly behaved.

OP posts:
thecatsabsentcojones · 04/01/2018 17:17

This is only a young dog, I adore dogs and have two. My two year old lab is lying beside me now, she was destructive when I was out but is way calmer. So my guess is that this dog will calm down fairly soon, but in the interim how about using games that keep the dog entertained? The best are ones they have to interact with to get treats, mine have spent hours rolling these things round the floor to get occasional treats.

I think it's unfair that you put him in the position of having to choose between you both. Bull breeds don't get adopted readily so putting this dog up for rescue is akin to a death sentence. If I was him I'd resent you forever for that (not that I'd do it, I'd never be in a relationship with a dog hater, no way), so if you really can't see yourself ever being won over then you need to end the relationship.

Oh and how much is this dog walked? That makes a huge difference.

Viviennemary · 04/01/2018 17:17

No I wouldn't put up with a dog wrecking my home if it belonged to somebody else. Tell him to start dog training classes and you'll have it back if its behaviour improves. Otherwise it's permanently banned and must go into kennels.

AdaColeman · 04/01/2018 17:17

If it were me, I'd be reluctant to have a dog of that breed around my children, even more so when it was not trained.

BertrandRussell · 04/01/2018 17:18

It's a big, powerful untrained dog with an irresponsible owner who doesn't see an issue.
Run.Run like the wind.

OllyBJolly · 04/01/2018 17:18

The dog isn't the issue, your boyfriend is

I agree with this. He is showing tremendous disrespect to you by allowing his dog to destroy your home. He's the owner, he's in charge.

I'd run for the hills now.

WhataLovelyPear · 04/01/2018 17:19

No, you're not being selfish - you are self-caring. I speak as a dog-lover myself, and I remember the awful destruction our labrador caused as a puppy. Luckily, he did grow out of it, but you have the right to decide how much to put up with.
Tell your partner how bad this is making you feel. Maybe suggest that the puppy is crate trained? It might be a bit late now but no one should have to put up with their house being destroyed. In the end, if your partner puts his dog before you, then that is his right, but you don't have to put up with it and you are not selfish for saying "This is not what I'm looking for".

19lottie82 · 04/01/2018 17:22

OP...... you still seem to be skirting round the issue that your boyfriend needs to address this issue and train the dog properly?

RhiannonOHara · 04/01/2018 17:24

The dog sounds like it might be distressed. I agree with those saying it is displaying separation anxiety. Training and handling a dog is not about 'disciplining' it in the sense of telling it off; it's an ongoing process of socialising it and understanding its behaviour and the way its mind and instincts work, in order to (without force) compel it to behave in a way that's acceptable for human society.

Properly trained and socialised and managed dogs are much happier as well as being much less of a nuisance to people. He needs to deal with it, and the sooner the better.

sonjadog · 04/01/2018 17:24

I think it is fair to end a relationship over a dog. The dog could do with training, certainly, but even with a well-trained dog, it is reasonable to break up if you don´t like dogs and don´t want one in your life. Having a dog is a lifestyle choice. They impact everything you do. If that isn´t for you then I think it is commendable that you have enough insight to realize it and take the appropriate steps.

Your boyfriend might get his act together regarding the dog if you tell him you want to break up, but he may also choose the dog. If he does, try not to take it personally. Dogs and owners come as a team. I would never date anyone who didn't accept my dog, and it has all to do with my bond with my dog and nothing to do with the other person.

Goodasgoldilox · 04/01/2018 17:27

Agree - a DP problem not a dog one.

It isn't the dog you would be ending the relationship over. It would be the man who sees you unhappy but still won't put in a bit of effort to train the dog AND to repair any damage it does. He doesn't feel what you do and isn't prepared to see things from your point of view. You deserve better than this.

(+For the sake of the rest of the world: no-one with the breed of dog you mention should be keeping it in an untrained state!)

Original poster
SugarBlossom92 · 04/01/2018 17:28

Is the dog actually classed as a puppy? It looks like a fully grown dog to me. But anyway we have a great relationship in every other way he is so caring and kind and is great with my kids he's done work on my house for me and all sorts he's not generally a lazy person. It's just this one aspect with the dog that is a problem and I agree with what other people have said I believe he got a 'trophy ' dog and I believe he feels out of his depth with the dogs behaviour but will not admit it, he gets really frustrated with the dog destroying stuff too. When he does go back home with the dog he's always texting me saying I miss you so much I want to see you and putting pressure on me for them to come back.

OP posts:
ladystarkers · 04/01/2018 17:29

He really needs to train it.

Original poster
SugarBlossom92 · 04/01/2018 17:31

I agree the dog needs to properly trained but I don't know what proper training for this type of dog is so how do I know if he is doing the correct amount of training with it? He does some training with it but I don't believe it's anywhere near enough but I don't know a thing about training dogs.

OP posts:
Honeycombcrunch · 04/01/2018 17:32

How much does he walk the dog?

ChinwagCharlieBear · 04/01/2018 17:32

Poor dog.

If you get a proper cage (a large one) the dog will not be able to get out. We have always had large breed dogs, a lot bigger than a Staffie X American Bulldog and we've had no issues with them escaping (but then, they have always been well trained) As an owner of large breed dogs we have a responsibility to make sure they are 110% perfect, far more well behaved than smaller breed dogs, IMO. A big dog can cause a lot of damage.

It is not unreasonable for you to expect the dog to be well trained when in your house. My puppy is currently 8 months old and would not display any of the behaviours listed above, he is a Bullmastiff. This is because he well exercised, socialised and trained. I would be mortified if he damaged someone's home.

How much exercise does the dog get? Mental and physical? Can he go to dog classes, doggy day care? You may find that more social interaction and him being tired will stop the destructive behaviour. Bored, under stimulated dogs act as above. If he is weeing in the night his bladder is clearly not strong enough to hold it all night. Can he not set an alarm and let the dog out in the middle of the night?

19lottie82 · 04/01/2018 17:35

A 1 year old dog is still a puppy, yes. I’d say they are until the age of 2.

Your BF should be looking up methods online about how to deal with separation anxiety and taking it from there...... and also considering dog training classes.

It sounds like the dog is being destructive because he’s stressed or stressed. If your BF babies the dog a lot, then chances are it becomes stressed when left alone, and that’s why he starts eating the furniture.

19lottie82 · 04/01/2018 17:36

PS obviously it’s a bit more complicated than that, but that could be the gist of it

wiltingfast · 04/01/2018 17:40

Maybe you need to break it down in your mind a bit more.

The dog is not actually your problem or responsibility . That is your BFs.

All you really have to decide is whether to continue being with your bf.

This depends on whether you have enough and just want to end it, or are wistful and want to give it a bit more time.

If you have had enough, it is perfectly acceptable to say you don't want to be with a man who won't control his dog. It's just not acceptable to you and not sustainable when you can't have the dog in your home or around your children etc. Your life interests are just not compatible. You just say you are ending it now to be kind, you wish him and dog well etc.

If on the other hand you want to try a bit more, then you say you can't have the dog in the house again until he has put it through some formal training. Then you will see.

Cbaanymore123 · 04/01/2018 17:42

Shock another person with a large out of control dog which has clearly had no proper training.

The dog is one it should be trained by now.

Why don't you do to his house instead of him having the dog at yours. Sorry if I missed that point.

wednesdayswench · 04/01/2018 17:43

Was the dog locked in the bathroom when he chewed skirting etc.

Ylvamoon · 04/01/2018 17:46

There is a book: "Love me Love my dog" ...

mustbemad17 · 04/01/2018 17:47

Staffs exhibit 'puppy' behaviour a bit longer than most other breeds i've found (always have staffs!). But yes, even at pup age he will be big because of his breeding. And a big untrained dog can be a menace.

It sounds to me like your boyfriend has no frigging clue what he is doing with the dog - which can do more damage than good!! He needs to get outside help & he needs to do it now. Aside from the dog peeing you off with his destruction it's clearly an unhappy soul.

And yes. As someone else has said above, staff/ambulls are bloody hard work to rehome even when they have the best temperament & obedience levels. An untrained, anxious staff x ambull stands no chance in a rescue centre. I work with rehoming bull breeds & it is soul destroying to read things like this when it is so fixable!!!

Original poster
SugarBlossom92 · 04/01/2018 17:48

He is walked once sometimes twice a day ( which I don't think is enough and have regulary been on his case about) I have been on his case every time the dog destroys something and him weeing on the floor I made the suggestion he must get up earlier to let him out but he hasn't so far.

He has also numerous times tried to mop up water that the dog spilled in the kitchen with the mop he has just used to clean the wee up with which I have said no way that is not acceptable and disgusting and he said looks at me annoyed, he doesn't like the fact I don't allow to dog to eat from my bowls and plates ( he does at his house apparantly ) and while he generally sticks to my rules he has said he thinks I'm very strict about the dog and on his case too much about the dog which I think I have every right to in my home.

But I appreciate the replies because I really was wondering if I was being selfish refusing to put up with it all anymore so I wanted to get people's opinions.

OP posts:
SureIusedtobetaller · 04/01/2018 17:48

I agree the dog sounds stressed rather than naughty and needs positive training not discipline- you have to praise/treat the instant the dog is doing what’s needed as they have no idea why otherwise.
The dog won’t be happy if not trained- they need gentle but firm boundaries. Our dog was similar to this when we got him at 10 months old. Lots of training classes and work made him a lovely (and no longer destructive) dog.
For the dog’s sake if no one else’s he needs to sort this.

Honeycombcrunch · 04/01/2018 17:54

It's confusing for the dog to have different rules in your house. I like animals but no way would I want one of my pets eating from my plates or bowls!