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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Can not accept partners dog

171 replies

SugarBlossom92 · 04/01/2018 16:17

Iv been with my partner for 6 months he makes me really happy and we get on amazing apart from the issue of his dog.

When we met neither of us were looking for a relationship but that soon changed , We got together after a couple of months, we was originally just seeing each other once a week I was travelling to him ( we live about 30 miles apart) but we grew more and more attached to each other so about 2 and a half months in he started coming to my house regularly and staying over alot. The thing is though he would always have to bring his dog as he obviously couldn't leave it alone.

I have tried and tried to adjust to the dog but it is a really destructive dog and has chewed my bathroom floor, a whole skirting board and the wall behind it , a trampoline, door frame, an outdoor pipe which then caused a leak from my bath and many other things. He steals any food given the chance and wants constant attention from my partner he hates to be left alone for any period of time. Baring in mind I have no dogs of my own and don't like them that much myself, I have tried and tried to adjust to having this dog in my home but I am so unhappy with the damage he has caused to my home it is causing me so much stress and resentment would I be unreasonable to consider ending the relationship over the dog even though I love my partner very much? I have spoke to him about my frustrations and he kinda understands but says if I want to be with him I must accept his dog and I should of thought about this in the beggining, but the thing is I never knew we would get so serious and I did not know his dog was so badly behaved.

OP posts:

Ragwort · 04/01/2018 17:54

You are totally not being selfish - the relationship isn't working, stop stressing over it, move on. I wouldn't dream of putting up with a dog or any other animal in a relationship - it's not about being selfish, it's about being strong and assertive in meeting your own needs - not your boyfriend's and certainly not a dog's. .

mustbemad17 · 04/01/2018 17:55

See that's just disgusting. Dogs shouldn't eat from people's plates & by mopping the way he does he is just spreading germs everywhere!!

I'm a dog lover...but i'd ditch him tbh. Not because of his dog (i feel desperately sorry for the poor dog) but because he sounds actually like quite a selfish, gross arse

Honeycombcrunch · 04/01/2018 17:57

I agree that you are definitely not selfish. You sound like a very caring and patient person as you have been putting up with this for months now.

chattykathyblue100 · 04/01/2018 17:57

Sounds like his dad has the right idea. Maybe suggest the dog doesn't come to yours until the BF has taken it to training classes and it's calmed down, a lot! The way I'd look at this is that you could possibly have this dog around for another 15 years!

Willswife · 04/01/2018 17:59

I have a dog, I love dogs but it makes me feel ill when people let them eat of their own plates!

A dog of that age should not be seeing inside the house. He is not doing the dog any favours at all and if he won't listen to you then I would get a dog trainer to do a home visit and do a behaviour assessment.

We got our dog when he was nearly two. After a couple of weeks setting in we got a trainer to come and do a home visit. She watched the dog, his interaction with us and ours with his.

Your boyfriend should have gone to training classes from puppyhood. He needs to act now otherwise nothing will change and it's not fair on the dog.

IdaDown · 04/01/2018 18:00

Your DP has chosen an interesting mix of breeds.
DP is too lazy to train the dog & uses discipline.
DP is too lazy to adequately walk and mentally stimulate the dog.
Dog is anxious, destructive and not well behaved (see 2&3)
You have (young?) kids (see 3&4).
Dog could live to 14yrs ish.
If you can’t agree on something (small, in lifetime context) like dog training/behaviour, what else are you not going to agree on?

Is there a serious man shortage where you live?

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 04/01/2018 18:03

What @IdaDown said!

He can't be bothered to get up to let the dog out so he wets the floor? And instead expects you to deal with it? That pretty much sums up his utter disrespect for you and piss poor dog ownership abilities.

You're not selfish in the slightest to end this relationship. It's never going to work. Don't let it drag on any longer.

Thedietstartsnow · 04/01/2018 18:06

Soooo,does he allow his dog to destroy other people's houses apart from yours? Would he visit a friend and allow the dog to eat the wall / trampoline ect etc ? I'm guessing no he wouldn't...so why is he allowing the dog to destroy your house....if I took my dog to a friends/ relatives house I would ensure the dog was watched at all times or in a crate so it couldn't wee/poo/destroy house...because dogs do that....if my dog did destroy something belonging to another person in their home I would expect to pay for that or fix it..you see it's called respect for the other person....if I didn't ..I would expect the person to end the friendship...your man dosnt respect you ,or your home..he allows his dog to destroy your things,when he could A ,watch the dog or B ,crate the dog or god forbid C ,put dog in kennels when he visits..so in conclusion your man either A ,doesn't respect you and your home or B ,doesn't respect you and your home ,or C ....you get the picture

TheCraicDealer · 04/01/2018 18:10

Sorry, you have kids? And he's got that breed combo and refuses to train it? Never mind the damage to your house, that's an accident waiting to happen.

Branleuse · 04/01/2018 18:12

Im sure hes a lovely bloke, but this is really not worth the hassle.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 04/01/2018 18:14

I hate in anyway stirring up fear of dogs (and am a big believer in deed not breed) but other users are correct - any dog who has been that poorly trained is an utter liability when it comes to kids. Unless you are not planning on your kids ever meeting him or the dogs.

Original poster

SugarBlossom92 · 04/01/2018 18:17

The thing is I know once I bring this up my partner will say but he hasn't even destroyed anything for a while (the last major thing was the pipe about 4 weeks ago ) and since then he's been continuing to chew the skirting boards and door/doorframes where he sleeps and pulling the floor up where he sleeps, but he only hasn't done anything 'big' because he hasn't been given the chance to. It gets me annoyed for my kids sakes too why should they live in a messed up and destroyed home because of a dog that isn't even ours.

OP posts:

Original poster

SugarBlossom92 · 04/01/2018 18:20

Iv never thought the dog would be a danger as he's gentle towards people and very soft if I shout at him he puts his head down and he listens to commands it's just that he's very destructive and seems to have issues to do with food too he's always trying to get food he never stops.

OP posts:

Original poster

SugarBlossom92 · 04/01/2018 18:22

He will snatch food from plates given the chance so I myself have been trying to train him to be patient around food for example by putting food down and making him wait untill I give him permission and if he waits I praise him and allow him to have the food.

OP posts:

Thedietstartsnow · 04/01/2018 18:22

I've just read the whole thread...I'm sorry but I would of ended it a long time ago...it's madness what yr putting up with.utter madness

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 04/01/2018 18:24

Can you hear yourself?!
He's still destroying your home. Every time he's there.
And he has food issues too?!

"No" and "i don't feel this relationship is working" are complete sentences. You are not happy and you aren't compatible. That's all there is too it.

Original poster

SugarBlossom92 · 04/01/2018 18:28

Thank you so much everyone for talking sense into me I kind of feel relieved that I'm not actually being selfish and lots of other people would feel the same in my position.

OP posts:

TwitterQueen1 · 04/01/2018 18:28

PeppaPig8 "do you want to be with someone who would choose a dog over you?*

This is exactly the kind of stupid, irresponsible comment that makes me despair.... Yeah, ditch the dog. It's being a bit of a pain..... Forget the fact that it's an intelligent, loving creature who is dependent on its owners.

Absolutely no way would I ever, ever be with someone who was prepared to ditch a dog just because I didn't like it... that would speak volumes about the owner - and not in a good way.

LemonShark · 04/01/2018 18:29

YANBU to end a relationship that isn't working for you for any reason at all. Your decision.

I had an ex with a massive slobbery bouncy black lab who was so energetic and had zero chill, we broke up after a few months for other reasons but throughout the relationship I had a sinking feeling in my stomach every time I thought about what our future would look like with this dog. Only being able to live in houses not flats. Being limited to where we could rent due to landlords not wanting dogs. Not being able to have nice carpets or sofas. Being tied to the dog every day unable to go away or have a lazy day in the house. It was for the best we split as there's no way I'd have been able to eventually merge my life with him and dog in tow.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 04/01/2018 18:30

Sending you big hugs OP. You're not being unreasonable here. And I say that as a dog owner (and my dogs come with me as a package). But you deserved better than this - it's a boyfriend problem, not a dog problem.

You and your kids have to be the priority here and have every right to be.

AdaColeman · 04/01/2018 18:30

That the dog is frantically trying to get at food would worry me with children in the house.

MeadowHay · 04/01/2018 18:34

OP I appreciate you are trying to make efforts to improve the dog's behaviour as well but it's really not your responsibility. Your OH can't get a dog and expect you to be the one training it . It's not fair on you at all and not your problem to deal with, he should be one sorting it out. But please don't shout at the dog - this will make the dog upset, confused, and stressed, but it will not be able to learn that it has done wrong as dogs are unable to learn this way. The praise when he does things right is the correct way of doing things. Your OH should know that shouting at a dog will upset it but not help train it in any way, in fact you could make the dog more generally anxious and stressed which could result in worse behaviour as dogs can express their anxiety through destructive behaviours like chewing excessively.

Ragwort · 04/01/2018 18:35

I didn't realise you had children - no way should you be putting up with this dog.
Why is it such an issue, are you so desperate for a man that you will put up with anything. Do yourself - and your children - a favour and leave this man, don't worry about being 'selfish' or 'explaining' just tell him it isn't working.

Bellamuerte · 04/01/2018 18:38

Your OH is unlikely to give up the dog so if you can't cope with it the relationship is basically over. I myself have dumped people in the past for not accepting my dog. My dog and I come as a pair - reject one of us and you'll have neither.

Greyhorses · 04/01/2018 18:38

Sounds like a bored puppy who has no boundaries or training to me. Clueless adult buys a hard to train boisterous large breed and hasn't a clue what to do with it.

I also have a large breed puppy who has destroyed things, it does happen but I wouldn't allow her to do it to someone else's property and I am putting the effort in to try and train her.

I think you need to accept the dog or get rid as he clearly isn't bothered about doing something about it.

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